mosscrop turned the spring-lock noiselessly, and drew the door open with caressing gentleness. his eyes had intuitively prepared themselves to discern the slender form of vestalia in the dim light of the passage. they beheld instead, with bewildered repulsion, a burly masculine bulk. wandering upward in angry confusion from the level on which they had expected her dear face, they took in the fatuous, moon-like visage of lord drumpipes.
“dear god!” groaned david, in frank abandonment to disgust.
“i came up quietly this time,” said the earl. “you made such a row about my being noisy last night, i thought to myself, ‘now, anything to please davie! i’ll steal up like a mouse in list-slippers.’”
david scowled angry impatience at him. “who the deuce cares what you do?” he demanded, roughly. “you might have marched up with a salvation army band, for all it matters to me.”
“ah,” said drumpipes, placidly pushing his way past mosscrop through the open door. “well, give me a drink, davie, man, and then tell me all about it. where may the lady be at the present moment?”
mosscrop came in, and produced another glass with a gloomy air. he watched the earl seat himself in the biggest chair and help himself from the decanter, and light his pipe, all in moody silence. “she’s gone away,” he said at last, coldly.
“and a good job, too!” remarked the other. “distrust all yellow-hair, davie! have you been in my place and seen what that woman did? there was my athabaska moose actually torn from the wall, and pulled to bits on the floor! it’s a matter of fifty shillings, or even more, davie. considering what you’d already spent on her, i call that heartless behaviour on her part. she must be a bad sort indeed to take all you would give her, and fool you to the top of your bent, and then wantonly destroy property that she knew you’d have to make good, before she took french leave. ah, women are not given that kind of hair for nothing! you’re well out of a thankless mess, davie.”
mosscrop looked musingly at his friend. he smiled a little to himself, and then sighed as well. a calmer temper returned to him. “i don’t take your view of it, archie,” he said, almost gently. “i have been as sad about it as a child who’s lost its pet, but i’m less disconsolate than i was. some compensations occur to me—and besides, i have a letter from her. it came to-night, and from its tone——”
“burn it, man, burn it!” the other adjured him, with eager fervour. “drive the whole business from your mind! if you’ll give me your solemn word, davie, not to see her again”—the earl paused, to invest his further words with a deeper gravity—“if you’ll promise faithfully to have no more to do with her, i’ll forgive you the moose. i said fifty shillings, but i doubt your getting a good job much under three pounds. well, then, if you say the word, i’ll pocket that loss. hang it all, you’re my boyhood friend, and i’d go to a considerable length to save you from a dangerous entanglement of this sort. although it was by no means an ordinary head. man, i fair loved that moosie!”
mosscrop’s smooth-shaven and somewhat sallow visage had gradually lost its melancholy aspect. a cheerful grin began now to play about the corners of his mouth. “archie,” he said with an affectation of exaggerated seriousness, “a moose more or less is not worth mentioning by comparison with the situation which is about to confront you. i know the particular beast you speak of. it was not up to much. the fur was dropping out in patches on its neck, one of its eyes was loose, and the red paint on the nostrils was oxidized. you would not have got twelve-and-six for it anywhere in the world. but if it had been the choicest trophy that was ever mounted, and then its value were multiplied a hundred-fold, it would still be a waste of your time to give it a second thought. graver matters demand your attention, archie.”
the earl’s countenance lengthened, and he set down his glass. he apparently did not trust himself to speak, but stared in alarmed inquiry at his friend.
“as you said a while ago,” pursued david, with vexatious deliberation, “we have been pals from boyhood. my father was your grandfather’s man of business, and was your factor till his death. you and i played together before we were breeched. we went to school together, and i spent more holidays at skirl with you than i did at home. so i know the ins and outs of your family and its affairs practically as well as you do. i know your sisters——”
“you don’t mean that ellen has given up her zenana mission work in burmah, and returned here to england?” drumpipes interposed, with a convulsive catch in his breath.
“no; the lady ellen, so far as i know, is still peacefully occupied in harrowing up the domestic life of the orient in her well-known and most effective manner.”
“well, anything else must be a minor evil,” said the earl, with an accent of relief. “whichever of the rest of them it is, davie, i tell you at the outset that i wash my hands of the business. my sisters rendered the first twenty-five years of my life a torment upon earth. they bullied me out of all peace in life as a youngster; they made my rotten marriage for me; they took my money and then blackened my character in reward; they——”
“oh, i know all those gags by heart,” interposed mosscrop. “they’re really very decent bodies, those sisters of yours; if they had a fault, it was in believing that they could make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. but it’s not about them at all that i was speaking. the point is, archie, that i have made the acquaintance of mr. laban skinner and his extremely attractive daughter.”
the earl took in this intelligence with ponderous slowness. he sipped at his glass in silence, and then stared for a little at his friend. “well, what is there so alarming about that?” he demanded at last, roughening his voice in puzzled annoyance. “they’re respectable people, aren’t they? and what the deuce are you driving at, anyway?”
“ah, if you take that tone with me, old man, i pull out of the affair at once.”
drumpipes scowled. “what affair? how do you know there is any affair! and what business have you got being in it, if there is an affair? you’re over-officious, my friend. you take too much on yourself.”
mosscrop laughed with tantalising enjoyment in his eyes. “confess that you think of making a countess of the lady.”
“well, and what if i do?” the earl retorted. “damn it all, man, i haven’t to ask your leave, have i? and, come now, i put it to you straight, have you ever seen a finer woman in your life?”
david lifted his brows judicially, and held his head to one side. “oh, i’m not saying she’s amiss—in externals,” he admitted.
“man, she’s wonderful! just wonderful!” cried the other. “did you mind her walk? it is as if she’d never been outside a palace in her life. and the face, the eyes, the colour, the figure—what queen in europe can match them? man, since i first laid eyes on her, i’ve not been myself at all. the thought of her bewitches me. i hardly know what i’m doing. i’ve been to-day to my tailor’s, and i gave him orders that fair took his breath away. the most expensive clothes, and even furs, i ordered with as light a heart as if it were a matter of sixpences. the man knows me from childhood, and he gazed at me as if i was clean daft. he was shaking his head to himself when i came away. oh, i’m quite a different person, i assure you. i literally hurl money about me, nowadays.”
“you must indeed be in love,” said moss-crop. “the father—he gives one the notion of a man of wealth.”
the earl’s face glistened. “he’s in the standard oil company!” he whispered, impressively.
this fact created an atmosphere of dignified solemnity for itself. the two men looked at each other gravely for a while, saying nothing. then the earl, with a contemplative air, refilled his glass.
“she is the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known,” he said, earnestly; “and i think she will marry me.”
“physical beauty and standard oil do make an alluring combination,” remarked david philosophically; “but——”
“oh, there are no ‘buts,’” drum-pipes insisted. “she’s as fine in mind and temper as she is in body. i’m very particular about intellect, as you know, and i’ve studied her closely. she has a very sound brain, davie—for a woman. but how on earth did you come to stumble upon them?”
mosscrop did not explain. “the thing that impressed me about her, curiously enough,” he said, with tranquil discursiveness, “was her extremely democratic aversion to our ranks and hereditary titles. she and her father seem to be the most violent anti-aristocrats i ever knew.”
“yes, that is a trifle awkward,” the earl admitted. “i don’t think it’s more than skin-deep with the old man, but adele—that’s her name, as beautiful as herself, isn’t it?—she’s tremendously in earnest about it. that has rather queered my pitch—i haven’t told them, you know, about the title and all that. they know me just as simple mr. linkhaw.”
“‘simple’ is so precisely the word,” commented mosscrop.
“well, what was i to do?” the other protested in self-defence. “i was travelling under that name in kentucky—went there to look at a big sale of thoroughbreds, you know—and met the father, and then i met the girl, and they had me to their house in the country—a magnificent place, by george—and she had so much to say against the classes here, and took such a strong position against titles and all that—why, i would have been a juggins to tell her at the start; and after, it gradually occurred to me that i wouldn’t say anything at all, but just go on and win her as plain mr. linkhaw. then i could be sure i was being loved for myself alone, couldn’t i?”
“your sentimentality is most touching,” said david; “but i fear it will cost you heavily.”
“oh, by the way, yes,” remarked drum-pipes, collecting his thoughts; “you said something awhile ago about there being a bother of some sort. what is it?” then an idea occurred to him, and he lifted his head eagerly. “you haven’t gone and blabbed about me, have you—told her who i was, and all that?”
“quite the contrary,” smiled david. “it was she who recognised me at once as the earl of drumpipes. it seems you showed her my picture on shipboard, and told her who i was, and all about me. do you recall the incident?”
the earl nodded, foolishly. “it’s my confounded imagination,” he groaned. “i’m always making an ass of myself like that. god only knows why i should have gone out of my way to invent that idiotic rubbish. but you get awfully bard up for conversation on shipboard, you know. and so it all came out, and she’s chuckling to think what a clumsy liar and guy i made of myself—and i’ve gone and ordered all those clothes—and——”
“be reassured, most noble thane,” cried david, gaily. “there has been no disclosure. nothing came out. i accepted the situation. i did not for an instant betray you. i said, ‘certainly: i am the earl of drumpipes,’ without so much as the flicker of an eyelid. there’s friendship for you, if you like.”
“and did she believe—” the earl began to ask. then he choked with rising mirth, gasped, rolled about in his chair, and finally burst forth in resounding laughter. “she thinks you—you”—he started out again, and once more went off in loud merriment. “it’s the funniest thing i ever heard of,” he murmured at last, restoring his composure with difficulty, and grinning at mosscrop through eyes wet with joyful tears.
“it delights me to see how keenly the humorous aspect of the matter appeals to you,” observed david, “because there is another phase of it which may seem to be deficient in gaiety.”
“no; you as the earl, that’s too funny!” persisted drumpipes, with a fresh outbreak of laughter. but this somehow rang a little false at the finish. a half-doubtful look came into his eyes, and sobered his countenance. “but you’ll stand by me in this thing, old man, now that you’ve begun it, won’t you?” he asked, in in an altered tone.
“but i didn’t begin it,” david pointed out calmly. “you began it yourself, and she took it up of her own accord. i’ve simply sacrificed myself in your interest. i stood still, and heard my motives aspersed, my character vilified, my objects in life covered with contumely, all on account of your hereditary crimes, and took it all like a lamb. but to assume that i’m going to do this again, or indefinitely, is another matter. i don’t mind submitting to a single temporary humiliation for a friend’s sake, but to make a profession of it is too much. if it were even a decent fullblown peerage it might be different, but to be traduced for nothing better than a scotch title—no, thank you!”
“you’re not the friend i took you for,” commented the earl, in depressed tones. “for that matter,” he added, defiantly, “we were pilliewillies in slug-angus before the campbells were ever heard of, or the gordons had learnt not to eat their cattle raw. and no linkhaw has ever said to a mosscrop, ‘i see you’re in a hole and i’ll leave you there.’”
david smiled. “no, you would always give a hand—for a fixed price. well, archie, i’m not saying i won’t see you through all this, but there must be conditions. and there must be a plan. what on earth do you intend to do?”
“well, my idea is,” the other answered, hesitatingly, “that i should ask her to be my wife while she still supposes i am merely mr. linkhaw. she is like all american girls in this, that she believes entirely in love matches. so if she will marry me as mr. linkhaw, it will signify that she loves me. very well then, that being the case, i can say to her afterward that i ventured upon a trifling deception, solely to have the chance to win the woman i wanted, and to make sure that i was being loved for myself alone. and then, hang it all, i don’t believe it lies in any woman’s skin to be angry at finding that she’s been made a countess unawares. if i said i was an earl and turned out not to be one, then she’d have a grievance, but it’s the other way about.”
“precisely,” put in david, “that particular ignominy is reserved for me. but suppose she doesn’t accept you.”
“that’s hardly worth supposing. it’s as good as understood between us, i think, that she will accept me.”
“but then suppose she jilts you, after you disclose to her that you are not plain mr. linkhaw.”
“if that’s well managed, i’m not afraid of it, either. you see, her father’s not an out-and-out american. he was really born in england, and went out there as a boy. that’s a very curious thing, you know. englishmen who go there, and like the place, get to be more american than the yankees are themselves. but they don’t change their blood, do they? and women are pretty much alike, too, whatever their blood may be. they’re all organised to stand a coronet on the corner of their pocket handkerchiefs. no, it’ll be all right, if only you stay by me.”
“ah, now we come to realities,” said moss-crop, genially. “it’ll be rather an expensive business, archie. i have very high notions, my friend, as to the scale on which an earl should comport himself. i could not dream of doing the thing on the thrifty and contracted basis which suits you. the task is a difficult one to me. i shall have to sit and look entirely devoid of mental sensations of any sort for hours at a time. i know nothing of football and cricket, and have not the name of a single jockey on my tongue; this will render conversation an embarrassing matter for me. i shall suffer continually from the knowledge that i am being regarded as a vicious fool, a rake, a gambler, and libertine of the most heartless description, and this will wear a good deal on my nerves. compensation of some sort i must have. now, i entertain the theory that a nobleman should never have any small change about him at all. tips to waiters i would make a great point of. they should invariably be of gold. to slip a sovereign into a hall-porter’s hand is also a valuable action. his subsequent demeanour gives the cue to the attitude of the whole visible world toward you. a four-in-hand to brighton is good substantial form, too, if enough pains be taken with the outfit. a private hansom in town is, of course, indispensable. i realise, archie,” he concluded’ apologetically, “that i am not displaying a specially comprehensive grasp of the requirements of rank. i can only think of a few things now, on the spur of the moment; but i will concentrate all my energies on the task once i take it up in earnest. you may trust me to rise to the occasion. i will be a nobleman that mere baronets will turn round in the street to look after.”
drumpipes exhibited a wan and troubled smile. “you’d have your joke, davie, out of any man’s distress,” he said, weakly.
“joke!” cried mosscrop. “you make a woful error there, archie. never was man more serious.”
“but there’d be no opportunity for you to spend money, or display yourself,” urged the other. “not, of course, that i would begrudge a pound or two, more or less, if there were a real need of it. but in this case, the whole point is that you should lie low, and not be seen any more. there is no necessity that she should meet you again. in fact, the more i think of it, the clearer it is that she shouldn’t. it might spoil everything, don’t you see?”
“oh no, my lad!” rejoined david, cheerfully. “i’m not of the hermit variety of aristocrat. i’m the kind of earl who’s on the spot, and who lets people know that he is present. i will have rings on my fingers and bells on my toes. i will—why, let me see!”
his face brightened at some wandering thought. “why, man, i have a birthday in six days’ time! that’s it, the 24th. i knew there was the difference of a year lacking a week between us. she read it to me this morning out of the peerage—august 24th. very well, then, i will celebrate the anniversary as it has never been celebrated before. i will provide an entertainment for my immediate friends upon a scale befitting my position and the importance of the event commemorated. what do you think of a special saloon-carriage to portsmouth, and a dinner on my yacht, eh? one could be hired and manned for the occasion, and a staff of cooks and servants sent down from an hotel here. or could you get them in portsmouth? does anything more appropriate occur to you?”
“go on with your jest,” replied the other, sullenly. “all i can say is, it’s in damned bad taste, though. here i am in this predicament, and you pour vinegar into my wounds instead of oil.”
“standard oil, i assume that you refer to. no, you shall have the oil, archie. you shall be my guest on the occasion, and you shall meet mr. and miss skinner. we four will constitute the party; and i will provide such an engaging spectacle of the nobleman, the bearer of hereditary dignities and titles, seen close at hand among his intimate friends, that the lady will be moved to admiration. she will say, ‘ah, i never guessed before how delightful an earl could be, how perfect in manners, how admirable in tact, how superb in his capacity as host.’ i will reconcile her to the aristocracy en bloc.”
“say, you know,” interposed drumpipes, “i’m not sure there isn’t something in that.”
“something in it? my dear sir, it’s rammed with fructifying probabilities. i give this party, and i do it as an earl should do things. i exert myself to fascinate this transatlantic twain. i lead their imaginations captive to my hereditary seductiveness. i make them feel that to be the guests of an earl is more than beauty and fine raiment and standard oil. i excite them to a warm glow of tenderness toward feudalism, a mood that melts at mere thought of the mediaeval. at that psychological moment you jump in and intimate that you’re something of an earl yourself—and there you are!”
drumpipes nodded approving comprehension, while he pondered the project thus outlined. “i’m not sure i don’t like the scheme,” he repeated. “it’s risky, though. she’s fearfully keen of scent, that girl is. if you didn’t play it for all you were worth, every minute, she’d twig the thing like a shot. you’d leave her with me a good deal, wouldn’t you, and devote yourself to the old man? that would be the safest, you know.”
“that would hardly do. it wouldn’t be in character. when an earl is giving a party, and there is a beautiful young woman about, he doesn’t go and talk with windy old fossils in frock-coats. it would look unnatural. it might as like as not excite suspicion. and now you’d better clear out. i want to go to bed.”
the earl rose, stood irresolute for a moment, and then put a hand on mosscrop’s shoulder. “davie,” he said gravely, “there’s one thing you must remember. you’re not a good man to handle money—if i didn’t know your forbears, i’d never credit your being a scot at all—remember, laddie, that those lawyers have run up terrible bills against me, and farm values have all dropped in the most fearful fashion, and i’ve not kept so tight a hand on the purse-strings of late, myself, as usual, and so do this thing as moderately——”
“oh, you be damned!” laughed mosscrop, and pushed him from the room.
when he was alone, the notion of going to bed seemed to have lost its urgency. he lighted his pipe, and sat down to read vesta-lia’s letter once again.
