“how wretched those who tasteless live,
and say this world no joys can give:
why tempts yon turtle sprawling,
why smoaks the glorious haunch,
are these not joys still calling
to bless our mortal paunch?
o 'tis merry in the hall
when beards wag all,
what a noise and what a din;
how they glitter round the chin;
give me fowl and give me fish,
now for some of that nice dish;
cut me this, sir, cut me that,
send me crust, and send me fat.
some for tit bits pulling hauling,
legs, wings, breast, head,—some for liquor, scolding, bawling,
hock, port, white, red, here 'tis cramming, cutting, slashing,
there the grease and gravy splashing,
look, sir, look, sir, what you've done,
zounds, you've cut off the alderman's thumb.”
the hon. tom dashall, who was fully aware that city appointments for twelve o'clock mean one, was nevertheless anxious to arrive at their place of destination some time before the commencement of the business of the day; and fortunately meeting with no obstruction on the road, they were set down at the corner of king-street, about half-past twelve.
“come,” said he, “we shall now have time to look about us at leisure, and observe the beauties of this place of civic festivity. the hall you see in front of you, is the place devoted to the entertainment usually given by the lord mayor on his entrance upon the duties and dignities of his office. it is a fine gothic building, in which the various courts of the city are held. the citizens also meet there for the purpose of choosing their representatives in parliament, the lord mayor, sheriffs, &c. it was originally built in the year 1411, previous to which period the public, or as they term it the common hall, was held at a small room in aldermanbury.
[210] the expense of the building was defrayed by voluntary subscription, and its erection occupied twenty years. it was seriously damaged by the fire of 1666, since which the present edifice, with the exception of the new gothic front, has been erected. that, however, was not finished till the year 1789, and many internal improvements and decorations have been introduced since. there is not much of attraction in its outward appearance. that new building on the right has recently been erected for the accommodation of meetings of bankrupts; and on the left is the justice-room, where the aldermen attend daily in rotation as magistrates to decide petty causes; but we must not exhaust our time now upon them.”
on entering the hall, tallyho appeared to be highly pleased with its extent, and was presently attracted by the monuments which it contains. “it is a noble room,” said he.—“yes,” replied tom, “this hall is 153 feet in length, 48 in breadth, and the height to the roof is 55.” tallyho was, however, more engaged in examining the monument erected to the memory of lord nelson, and an occasional glance at the two enormous figures who stand at opposites, on the left of the entrance.—having read the tablet, and admired the workmanship of the former, he hastily turned to the latter. “and who in the name of wonder are these?” he inquired.
“these,” replied his communicative cousin, “are called gog and magog. they are two ancient giants carved in wood, one holding a long staff suspending a ball stuck with pikes, and the other a halbert, supposed to be of great antiquity, and to represent an ancient briton and a saxon. they formerly used to stand on each side of that staircase which leads to the chamberlain's office, the courts of king's bench and common pleas, the court of aldermen, and the common council chamber. at the other end are two fine monuments, to the memory of lord chatham, the father of mr. pitt, and his son. the windows are fine specimens of the revived art of painting on glass. there is also a monument of mr. beckford.”
while they were taking a view of these several objects of curiosity, their attention was suddenly attracted by a confused noise and bustle at the door, which announced the arrival of the lord mayor and his attendants, who passed them in state, and were followed by our friends to the council chamber; on entering which, they were [211] directed by the city marshall, who guarded the door, to keep below the bar. tallyho gazed with admiration and delight on the numerous pictures with which the chamber is decorated, as well as the ceiling, which forms, a dome, with a skylight in the centre. the lord mayor having first entered the court of aldermen, the business of the day had not yet commenced. tom directed his cousin's eye in the first instance to the very large and celebrated painting by copley, which fronts the lord mayor's chair, and represents the destruction of the floating batteries before gibraltar, to commemorate the gallant defence of that place by general elliott, afterwards lord heath field, in 1782. the statue of the late king george the third; the death of david rizzio, by opie; the miseries of civil war, from shakespeare; domestic happiness, exemplified in portraits of an alderman and his family; the death of wat tyler; the representation of the procession of the lord mayor to westminster hall, by water; and the ceremony of swearing in the lord mayor at guildhall, in 1781; containing portraits of all the principal members of the corporation of london at that time. meanwhile the benches were filling with the deputies and common councilmen from their several wards. at one o'clock, the lord mayor entered the court, attended by several aldermen, who took their seats around him, and the business of the day commenced. among those on the upper seats, tom gave his cousin to understand which were the most popular of the aldermen, and named in succession messrs. waithman, wood, sir claudius stephen hunter, birch, flower, and curtis; and as their object was not so much to hear the debates as to see the form and know the characters, he proposed an adjournment from their present rather uncomfortable situation, where they were obliged to stand wedged in, by the crowd continually increasing, during which they could take a few more observations, and he could give some little clue to the origin and present situations of the persons to whom he had directed his cousin's attention. making the best of their way out of the court, they found themselves in an anti-room, surrounded by marshalmen, beadles of wards waiting for their aldermen, and the lord mayor's and sheriffs' footmen, finding almost as much difficulty to proceed, as they had before encountered.
[212] having struggled through this formidable phalanx of judicial and state appendages,
“now,” said dashall, “we shall be enabled to breathe again at liberty, and make our observations without fear; for where we have just quitted, there is scarcely any possibility of making a remark without having it snapped up by newspaper reporters, and retailers of anecdotes; here, however, we can indulge ad libitum.”
“yes,” replied tallyho, “and having seen thus far, i am a little inquisitive to know more. i have, it is true, at times seen the names of the parties you pointed out to me in the daily prints, but a sight of their persons in their official stations excites stronger curiosity.”
“then,” said tom, “according to promise i will give you a sort of brief sketch of some of them. the present lord mayor is a very eminent wholesale stationer, carrying on an extensive trade in queen-street; he ought to have filled the chair before this, but some temporary circumstances relative to his mercantile concerns induced him to give up his rotation. he has since removed the obstacle, and has been elected by his fellow-citizens to the high and important office of chief magistrate. i believe he has not signalized himself by any remarkable circumstance, but he has the character of being a worthy man. perhaps there are few in the court of aldermen who have obtained more deservedly the esteem of the livery of london, than alderman waithman, whose exertions have long been directed to the correction of abuses, and who represented them as one of their members during the last parliament, when he displaced the mighty alderman curtis. waithman is of humble origin, and has, like many others of civic notoriety, worked his way by perseverance and integrity as a linen-draper, to respectable independence, and the hearts of his fellow-citizens: he has served the office of sheriff, and during that time acted with a becoming spirit at the death of the late queen, by risking his own life to save others. his political sentiments are on the opposition side, consequently he is no favorite with ministers.”
“and if he were,” replied tallyho, “that would scarcely be considered an honour.”
“true,” continued tom, “but then it might lead to profit, as it has done with many others, though he appears to hold such very light.
[213] “alderman wood has not yet been so fortunate as the celebrated whittington, whom you may recollect was thrice lord mayor of london; but he has had the honour to serve that office during two succeeding years: he is a member of parliament, and his exertions in behalf of the late queen, if they have done him no great deal of good among the higher powers, are at least honourable to his heart.
“of sir claudius stephen hunter there is but little to be said, except that he has served the office, and been a colonel of the city militia—led off the ball at a jew's wedding—used to ride a white charger—and is so passionately fond of military parade, that had he continued another year in the office, the age of chivalry would certainly have been revived in the east, and knights-errant and esquires have completely superseded merchants, traders, and shopkeepers.
“alderman birch is an excellent pastry-cook, and that perhaps is the best thing that can be said of him: he has written some dramatic pieces; but the pastry is beyond all comparison best of the two, and he needs no other passport to fame, at least with his fellow-citizens.
“but last, though not least, under our present consideration, comes the renowned sir william, a plain bluff john bull; he is said to be the son of a presbyterian citizen, and was rigidly educated in his father's religion. he obtained the alderman's gown, and represented the city in the year 1790: he is a good natured, and, i believe, a good hearted man enough, though he has long been a subject for satirical wit. he was lord mayor in 1796: you may recollect what was related of him by the literary labourer we met with in the park—anecdotes and caricatures have been published in abundance upon him: he may, however, be considered in various points of view—as an alderman and a biscuit baker—as a fisherman “—
“how!” cried tallyho!
“why, as a fisherman, he is the polyphemus of his time.
“his rod was made out of the strongest oak,
his line a cable which no storm e'er broke,
his hook was baited with a dragon's tail,
he sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale.”
“besides which,” continued dashall, “he is a great sailor; has a yacht of his own, and generally accompanies
[214] royalty on aquatic excursions. i remember a laughable caricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own vessel, with a turtle suspended on a pole, with the following lines, in imitation of black-eyed susan, said to be written by mr. jekyll:—
“all in the downs the fleet lay moor'd,
the streamers waving in the wind,
when castlereagh appeared on board,
?ah where shall i my curtis find.
tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true,
does my fat william sail among your crew.'”
he is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of parliament, and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit and humour—at all events he is the cause of it in others. his first occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great fame.
“the worthy alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and gossiping james boswell, the humble follower and biographer of dr. johnson, is well known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the table, in which no man more joyously engaged, shortened his life. to write the life of a great man is no easy task, and to write that of a big one may be no less arduous. whether the alderman really expected to be held up to future fame by the biographer of johnson, cannot be very easily ascertained; however that wish and expectation, if it ever existed, was completely frustrated by the death of poor boswell.
“i recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy alderman, on the glorious victory of the nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his wit, and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the memorable toast he once gave—
“great nelson, in the grandest stile,
bore down upon the shores of nile,
and there obtained a famous victory,
which puzzled much the french directory.
the impudence of them there fellows,
as all the newspapers do tell us,
had put the grand turk in a pet,
which caus'd him send to nelson an aigrette;
likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon—
then let us hope—a speedy peace and soon."{1}
1 whether the following lines are from the same hand or not,
we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great
similarity of character:
i give you the three glorious c's.
our church, constitution, and king;
then fill up three bumpers to three noble vs.
wine, women, and whale fish-ing.
[215] “egad,” said bob, “if this be true, he appears to knock up rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits” (smothering a laugh.)
“why,” replied dashall, “i believe that it has not been positively ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated by the worthy alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his worship's barber might have had a hand in their composition. it would be hard indeed, if in his operations upon the alderman's pericranium, he should not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius contained therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and caput, i ought to give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the election of his lordship to the mayoralty—
“our present mayor is william curtis,
a man of weight and that your sort is.”
“this epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute of point, upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share of commendation; and his lordship declared to the company present, that it had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore.”
tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor alderman.
“however,” continued tom, “a man with plenty of money can bear laughing at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though i suspect he will hardly laugh or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in the house of commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at knightsbridge. i suspect his wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that instance.”
1 on a motion made by mr. favell in the court of common
council, on the 21st of march, the following resolution was
passed, indicative of the opinion that court entertained of
the conduct of alderman curtis on the occasion here alluded
to:
“that sir william curtis, bart, having acknowledged in his
place in this court, that a certain speech now read was
delivered by him in the house of commons, in which, among
other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at
knightsbridge, he said, 'that he had been anxious that a
committee should investigate this question, because he
wished to let the world know the real character of this
great common council, who were always meddling with matters
which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above
their wisdom and energy. it was from such principles they
had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend
they had no right to enter upon. not only was evidence
selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the
party putting them desired.'
“that the conduct of sir william curtis, one of the repre-
sentatives of this city in parliament, lias justly merited
the censure and indignation of this court and of his fellow
citizens.”
[216] after taking a cursory look into the chamberlain's office, the court of king's bench and common pleas, they took their departure from guildhall, very well satisfied with their morning's excursion.
it was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the hall. tom dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his cousin a chevy for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on a friday, he proposed a stroll among the prad-sellers in smithfield, where, after partaking of a steak and a bottle at dolly's, they accordingly repaired.
“you will recollect,” said tom, “that you passed through smithfield (which is our principal cattle market) during the time of bartholomew fair; but you will now find it in a situation so different, that you would scarcely know it for the same place: you will now see it full of horse-jockeys, publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like ourselves, who having no real business either in the purchase or sale of the commodities of the market, are watching the manners and manouvres of those who have.”
as tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive cousin, they were entering smithfield by the way of giltspur-street, and were met by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends so strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they could not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they suddenly broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which a roar of laughter ensued from the byestanders, who [217] perceiving the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not dirty their boots, or get near the hoofs of the prancing prads, tom was not much disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though his cousin seemed to have but little relish for it.
“come along,” said tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him forward, “although this is not bartholomew fair time, you must consider all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a horse-laugh.”
struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of various sizes, prices, and pretensions,
“there is little difference,” said tom, “between this place as a market for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom,
here the friend and the brother
meet to humbug each other,
except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling may be found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to be offered for sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his absence is ascertained by the legal owner.—i have already given you some information on the general character of horse-dealers during our visit to tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is practised, of which numerous instances might be produced; and though i admit good horses are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a man to be perfectly upon his guard as to who he deals with, and how he deals, although the regulations of the market are, generally speaking, good.”
“i wouldn't have him at no price,” said a costermonger, who it appeared was bargaining for a donkey; “the h———y sulkey b——— von't budge, he's not vorth a fig out of a horses———.”
“i knows better as that 'are,” cried a chimney-sweeper; “for no better an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. here, bill, you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil a'ter a parson.”
here bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor bill in the
[218] mud, to the great discomfiture of the donkey seller, and the mirth of the spectators. the animal brayed, the byestanders laughed, and the bargain, like poor bill, was off.
after a complete turn round smithfield, hearing occasionally the chaffing of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, they took their departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and confusion, taking their way down king-street, up holborn hill, and along great queen-street.
“now,” said tom, “we will have a look in at covent garden theatre; the exile is produced there with great splendour. the piece is certainly got up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in the theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims upon approbation. the original has been altered, abridged, and (by some termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular species of entertainment lately.”
upon entering the theatre, tallyho was almost riveted in attention to the performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its splendid pageantry before he discovered that his cousin had given him the slip, and a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at his elbow, with whom entering into a conversation, the minutes were not measured till dashall's return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared inclined to retire, and leave the cooing couple to their apparently agreeable tete-a-tete. bob, however, observing him, immediately wished his fair incognita good night, and joined his cousin.
“d———d dull,” said tom,—“all weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable.”
“but very grand,” rejoined bob.
“i have found nothing to look at,” replied tom; “i have hunted every part of the house, and only seen two persons i know.”
“and i,” said tallyho, “have been all the while looking at the piece.”
“which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?”
“the performance—the coronation.”
“i have had so much of that,” said tom, “that finding you so close in attention to the stage, that i could get no [219] opportunity of speaking to you, i have been hunting for other game, and have almost wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that i am for quitting the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place near at hand, which used to be called the finish. come along, therefore, unless you have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some engagements?”
“none upon earth to supersede the one i have with you,” was the reply. upon which they left the house, and soon found themselves in covent garden market. “this,” said tom, “has been the spot of many larks and sprees of almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap in the market as any of the vegetables of the venders; but i am going to take you to a small house that has in former times been the resort of the greatest wits of the age. sheridan, fox, and others of their time, have not disdained to be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the votaries of genius, though considerably altered, and conducted in a different manner: it still, however, affords much amusement and accommodation. it was formerly well known by the appellation of the finish, and was not opened till a late hour in the night, and, as at the present moment, is generally shut up between 11 and 12 o'clock, and re-opened for the accommodation of the market people at 4 in the morning. the most respectable persons resident in the neighbourhood assemble to refresh themselves after the labours of the day with a glass of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. the landlord is a pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing young lass in the bar, whom i believe to be his sister—this is the house.”
“house,” said bob, “why this is a deviation from the customary buildings of london; it appears to have no up stairs rooms.”
“never mind that,” continued dashall, “there is room enough for us, i dare say; and after your visit to the woolpack, i suppose you can stand smoke, if you can't stand fire.”
by this time they had entered the carpenter's arms, when turning short round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled with company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in the right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave [220] to himself indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, which it afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent was shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind.
“it's of no use,” said jemmy,{2} as they called him, “for you to enter the lists along with me, for you know very well i must have you at last.”
“and no doubt it will prove a good fit,” said an elderly shoemaker of respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the company, “for all of us are subject to the pinch.”
“there's no certainty of his assertion, however,” replied the unsuccessful opponent of jemmy.
“surely not,"{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of snuff, and offering it to the shoemaker; “for you know jemmy may come to the finch before john.”
1 “mighty.”—this high sounding title has recently been
given to a full glass of ale,—the usual quantity of what is
termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a
large glass which would hold more—and which when filled is
consequently subjected to an additional charge.
2 to those who are in the habit of frequenting the house,
this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually
smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening.
“with his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, and with
honest old stingo still soaking his clay.”
with a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of
human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and
neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them
in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words
of the song, that
“the right end of life is to live and be jolly.”
his countenance and manners seldom fail to excite
risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling,
and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of
many, after the finish; he is, however, generally good
humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses
to see any person in company for a mighty, usually
concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful
countenance, according to the situation in which he is left
as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with
a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance,
indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance,
and can only be judged of by being seen.
3 “surely not,” are words in such constant use by one
gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the
character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial
to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. he
is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and
probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however,
without disparagement to his general character, which is
that of a respectable tradesman. he is fond of a lark, a
bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good
living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes
every one to wear the cap that fits him.
[221] “never mind,” continued jemmy, “i take my chance in this life, and sing toll de roll loll.”
by this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in the laugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers.
“it is possible i may go first,” said the undertaker, resuming his pipe; “and if i should, i can't help it.”
“surely not,—but i tell you what, jemmy, if you are not afraid, i'll see you for two more mighties before i go, and i summons you to shew cause.”
“d———n your summons,"{1} cried the former unsuccessful opponent of the risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a hearty laugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last speaker.
“the summons is a sore place,” said jemmy.
“surely not. i did not speak to him, i spoke to you, sir; and i have a right to express myself as i please: if that gentleman has an antipathy to a summons, am i to be tongue-tied? although he may sport with sovereigns, he must be accountable to plebeians; and if i summons you to shew cause, i see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation.”
1 “d——-n your summons.” this, as one of the company
afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a
moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part.
the speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery,
staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a
playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another
frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. the
original possessor sought restitution from the person who
took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the
actual possessor, but refused to make the application. the
return of the money was formally demanded of the man of
porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. in this
state of things the loser obtained a summons against the
taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion
to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject,
together with the payment of the customary expenses, a
circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in
the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. whether he broke
any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence
has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have
broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such
breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or
cracked crockery.
[222] “surely not,” was reverberated round the room, accompanied with a general laugh against the interrupter, who seizing the paper, appeared to read without noticing what was passing.
the company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers, and our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening.
