to wonder sadly, did i say? no: a new influence began to act upon my life, and sadness, for a certain space, was held at bay. conceive a dell, deep-hollowed in forest secresy; it lies in dimness and mist: its turf is dank, its herbage pale and humid. a storm or an axe makes a wide gap amongst the oak-trees; the breeze sweeps in; the sun looks down; the sad, cold dell becomes a deep cup of lustre; high summer pours her blue glory and her golden light out of that beauteous sky, which till now the starved hollow never saw.
a new creed became mine — a belief in happiness.
it was three weeks since the adventure of the garret, and i possessed in that case, box, drawer up-stairs, casketed with that first letter, four companions like to it, traced by the same firm pen, sealed with the same clear seal, full of the same vital comfort. vital comfort it seemed to me then: i read them in after years; they were kind letters enough — pleasing letters, because composed by one well pleased; in the two last there were three or four closing lines half-gay, half-tender, “by feeling touched, but not subdued.” time, dear reader, mellowed them to a beverage of this mild quality; but when i first tasted their elixir, fresh from the fount so honoured, it seemed juice of a divine vintage: a draught which hebe might fill, and the very gods approve.
does the reader, remembering what was said some pages back, care to ask how i answered these letters: whether under the dry, stinting check of reason, or according to the full, liberal impulse of feeling?
to speak truth, i compromised matters; i served two masters: i bowed down in the houses of rimmon, and lifted the heart at another shrine. i wrote to these letters two answers — one for my own relief, the other for graham’s perusal.
to begin with: feeling and i turned reason out of doors, drew against her bar and bolt, then we sat down, spread our paper, dipped in the ink an eager pen, and, with deep enjoyment, poured out our sincere heart. when we had done — when two sheets were covered with the language of a strongly-adherent affection, a rooted and active gratitude —(once, for all, in this parenthesis, i disclaim, with the utmost scorn, every sneaking suspicion of what are called “warmer feelings:” women do not entertain these “warmer feelings” where, from the commencement, through the whole progress of an acquaintance, they have never once been cheated of the conviction that, to do so would be to commit a mortal absurdity: nobody ever launches into love unless he has seen or dreamed the rising of hope’s star over love’s troubled waters)— when, then, i had given expression to a closely-clinging and deeply-honouring attachment — an attachment that wanted to attract to itself and take to its own lot all that was painful in the destiny of its object; that would, if it could, have absorbed and conducted away all storms and lightnings from an existence viewed with a passion of solicitude — then, just at that moment, the doors of my heart would shake, bolt and bar would yield, reason would leap in vigorous and revengeful, snatch the full sheets, read, sneer, erase, tear up, re-write, fold, seal, direct, and send a terse, curt missive of a page. she did right.
i did not live on letters only: i was visited, i was looked after; once a week i was taken out to la terrasse; always i was made much of. dr. bretton failed not to tell me why he was so kind: “to keep away the nun,” he said; “he was determined to dispute with her her prey. he had taken,” he declared, “a thorough dislike to her, chiefly on account of that white face-cloth, and those cold grey eyes: the moment he heard of those odious particulars,” he affirmed, “consummate disgust had incited him to oppose her; he was determined to try whether he or she was the cleverest, and he only wished she would once more look in upon me when he was present:” but that she never did. in short, he regarded me scientifically in the light of a patient, and at once exercised his professional skill, and gratified his natural benevolence, by a course of cordial and attentive treatment.
one evening, the first in december, i was walking by myself in the carré; it was six o’clock; the classe-doors were closed; but within, the pupils, rampant in the licence of evening recreation, were counterfeiting a miniature chaos. the carré was quite dark, except a red light shining under and about the stove; the wide glass-doors and the long windows were frosted over; a crystal sparkle of starlight, here and there spangling this blanched winter veil, and breaking with scattered brilliance the paleness of its embroidery, proved it a clear night, though moonless. that i should dare to remain thus alone in darkness, showed that my nerves were regaining a healthy tone: i thought of the nun, but hardly feared her; though the staircase was behind me, leading up, through blind, black night, from landing to landing, to the haunted grenier. yet i own my heart quaked, my pulse leaped, when i suddenly heard breathing and rustling, and turning, saw in the deep shadow of the steps a deeper shadow still — a shape that moved and descended. it paused a while at the classe-door, and then it glided before me. simultaneously came a clangor of the distant door-bell. life-like sounds bring life-like feelings: this shape was too round and low for my gaunt nun: it was only madame beck on duty.
“mademoiselle lucy!” cried rosine, bursting in, lamp in hand, from the corridor, “on est là pour vous au salon.”
madame saw me, i saw madame, rosine saw us both: there was no mutual recognition. i made straight for the salon. there i found what i own i anticipated i should find — dr. bretton; but he was in evening-dress.
“the carriage is at the door,” said he; “my mother has sent it to take you to the theatre; she was going herself, but an arrival has prevented her: she immediately said, ‘take lucy in my place.’ will you go?”
“just now? i am not dressed,” cried i, glancing despairingly at my dark merino.
“you have half an hour to dress. i should have given you notice, but i only determined on going since five o’clock, when i heard there was to be a genuine regale in the presence of a great actress.”
and he mentioned a name that thrilled me — a name that, in those days, could thrill europe. it is hushed now: its once restless echoes are all still; she who bore it went years ago to her rest: night and oblivion long since closed above her; but then her day — a day of sirius — stood at its full height, light and fervour.
“i’ll go; i will be ready in ten minutes,” i vowed. and away i flew, never once checked, reader, by the thought which perhaps at this moment checks you: namely, that to go anywhere with graham and without mrs. bretton could be objectionable. i could not have conceived, much less have expressed to graham, such thought — such scruple — without risk of exciting a tyrannous self-contempt: of kindling an inward fire of shame so quenchless, and so devouring, that i think it would soon have licked up the very life in my veins. besides, my godmother, knowing her son, and knowing me, would as soon have thought of chaperoning a sister with a brother, as of keeping anxious guard over our incomings and outgoings.
the present was no occasion for showy array; my dun mist crape would suffice, and i sought the same in the great oak-wardrobe in the dormitory, where hung no less than forty dresses. but there had been changes and reforms, and some innovating hand had pruned this same crowded wardrobe, and carried divers garments to the grenier — my crape amongst the rest. i must fetch it. i got the key, and went aloft fearless, almost thoughtless. i unlocked the door, i plunged in. the reader may believe it or not, but when i thus suddenly entered, that garret was not wholly dark as it should have been: from one point there shone a solemn light, like a star, but broader. so plainly it shone, that it revealed the deep alcove with a portion of the tarnished scarlet curtain drawn over it. instantly, silently, before my eyes, it vanished; so did the curtain and alcove: all that end of the garret became black as night. i ventured no research; i had not time nor will; snatching my dress, which hung on the wall, happily near the door, i rushed out, relocked the door with convulsed haste, and darted downwards to the dormitory.
but i trembled too much to dress myself: impossible to arrange hair or fasten hooks-and-eyes with such fingers, so i called rosine and bribed her to help me. rosine liked a bribe, so she did her best, smoothed and plaited my hair as well as a coiffeur would have done, placed the lace collar mathematically straight, tied the neck-ribbon accurately — in short, did her work like the neat-handed phillis she could be when she those. having given me my handkerchief and gloves, she took the candle and lighted me down-stairs. after all, i had forgotten my shawl; she ran back to fetch it; and i stood with dr. john in the vestibule, waiting.
“what is this, lucy?” said he, looking down at me narrowly. “here is the old excitement. ha! the nun again?”
but i utterly denied the charge: i was vexed to be suspected of a second illusion. he was sceptical.
“she has been, as sure as i live,” said he; “her figure crossing your eyes leaves on them a peculiar gleam and expression not to be mistaken.”
“she has not been,” i persisted: for, indeed, i could deny her apparition with truth.
“the old symptoms are there,” he affirmed: “a particular pale, and what the scotch call a ‘raised’ look.”
he was so obstinate, i thought it better to tell him what i really had seen. of course with him it was held to be another effect of the same cause: it was all optical illusion — nervous malady, and so on. not one bit did i believe him; but i dared not contradict: doctors are so self-opinionated, so immovable in their dry, materialist views.
rosine brought the shawl, and i was bundled into the carriage.
the theatre was full — crammed to its roof: royal and noble were there: palace and hotel had emptied their inmates into those tiers so thronged and so hushed. deeply did i feel myself privileged in having a place before that stage; i longed to see a being of whose powers i had heard reports which made me conceive peculiar anticipations. i wondered if she would justify her renown: with strange curiosity, with feelings severe and austere, yet of riveted interest, i waited. she was a study of such nature as had not encountered my eyes yet: a great and new planet she was: but in what shape? i waited her rising.
she rose at nine that december night: above the horizon i saw her come. she could shine yet with pale grandeur and steady might; but that star verged already on its judgment-day. seen near, it was a chaos — hollow, half-consumed: an orb perished or perishing — half lava, half glow.
i had heard this woman termed “plain,” and i expected bony harshness and grimness — something large, angular, sallow. what i saw was the shadow of a royal vashti: a queen, fair as the day once, turned pale now like twilight, and wasted like wax in flame.
for awhile — a long while — i thought it was only a woman, though an unique woman, who moved in might and grace before this multitude. by-and-by i recognised my mistake. behold! i found upon her something neither of woman nor of man: in each of her eyes sat a devil. these evil forces bore her through the tragedy, kept up her feeble strength — for she was but a frail creature; and as the action rose and the stir deepened, how wildly they shook her with their passions of the pit! they wrote hell on her straight, haughty brow. they tuned her voice to the note of torment. they writhed her regal face to a demoniac mask. hate and murder and madness incarnate she stood.
it was a marvellous sight: a mighty revelation.
it was a spectacle low, horrible, immoral.
swordsmen thrust through, and dying in their blood on the arena sand; bulls goring horses disembowelled, made a meeker vision for the public — a milder condiment for a people’s palate — than vashti torn by seven devils: devils which cried sore and rent the tenement they haunted, but still refused to be exorcised.
suffering had struck that stage empress; and she stood before her audience neither yielding to, nor enduring, nor, in finite measure, resenting it: she stood locked in struggle, rigid in resistance. she stood, not dressed, but draped in pale antique folds, long and regular like sculpture. a background and entourage and flooring of deepest crimson threw her out, white like alabaster — like silver: rather, be it said, like death.
where was the artist of the cleopatra? let him come and sit down and study this different vision. let him seek here the mighty brawn, the muscle, the abounding blood, the full-fed flesh he worshipped: let all materialists draw nigh and look on.
i have said that she does not resent her grief. no; the weakness of that word would make it a lie. to her, what hurts becomes immediately embodied: she looks on it as a thing that can be attacked, worried down, torn in shreds. scarcely a substance herself, she grapples to conflict with abstractions. before calamity she is a tigress; she rends her woes, shivers them in convulsed abhorrence. pain, for her, has no result in good: tears water no harvest of wisdom: on sickness, on death itself, she looks with the eye of a rebel. wicked, perhaps, she is, but also she is strong; and her strength has conquered beauty, has overcome grace, and bound both at her side, captives peerlessly fair, and docile as fair. even in the uttermost frenzy of energy is each maenad movement royally, imperially, incedingly upborne. her hair, flying loose in revel or war, is still an angel’s hair, and glorious under a halo. fallen, insurgent, banished, she remembers the heaven where she rebelled. heaven’s light, following her exile, pierces its confines, and discloses their forlorn remoteness.
place now the cleopatra, or any other slug, before her as an obstacle, and see her cut through the pulpy mass as the scimitar of saladin clove the down cushion. let paul peter rubens wake from the dead, let him rise out of his cerements, and bring into this presence all the army of his fat women; the magian power or prophet-virtue gifting that slight rod of moses, could, at one waft, release and re-mingle a sea spell-parted, whelming the heavy host with the down-rush of overthrown sea-ramparts.
vashti was not good, i was told; and i have said she did not look good: though a spirit, she was a spirit out of tophet. well, if so much of unholy force can arise from below, may not an equal efflux of sacred essence descend one day from above?
what thought dr. graham of this being?
for long intervals i forgot to look how he demeaned himself, or to question what he thought. the strong magnetism of genius drew my heart out of its wonted orbit; the sunflower turned from the south to a fierce light, not solar — a rushing, red, cometary light — hot on vision and to sensation. i had seen acting before, but never anything like this: never anything which astonished hope and hushed desire; which outstripped impulse and paled conception; which, instead of merely irritating imagination with the thought of what might be done, at the same time fevering the nerves because it was not done, disclosed power like a deep, swollen winter river, thundering in cataract, and bearing the soul, like a leaf, on the steep and steelly sweep of its descent.
miss fanshawe, with her usual ripeness of judgment, pronounced dr. bretton a serious, impassioned man, too grave and too impressible. not in such light did i ever see him: no such faults could i lay to his charge. his natural attitude was not the meditative, nor his natural mood the sentimental; impressionable he was as dimpling water, but, almost as water, unimpressible: the breeze, the sun, moved him — metal could not grave, nor fire brand.
dr. john could think and think well, but he was rather a man of action than of thought; he could feel, and feel vividly in his way, but his heart had no chord for enthusiasm: to bright, soft, sweet influences his eyes and lips gave bright, soft, sweet welcome, beautiful to see as dyes of rose and silver, pearl and purple, imbuing summer clouds; for what belonged to storm, what was wild and intense, dangerous, sudden, and flaming, he had no sympathy, and held with it no communion. when i took time and regained inclination to glance at him, it amused and enlightened me to discover that he was watching that sinister and sovereign vashti, not with wonder, nor worship, nor yet dismay, but simply with intense curiosity. her agony did not pain him, her wild moan — worse than a shriek — did not much move him; her fury revolted him somewhat, but not to the point of horror. cool young briton! the pale cliffs of his own england do not look down on the tides of the channel more calmly than he watched the pythian inspiration of that night.
looking at his face, i longed to know his exact opinions, and at last i put a question tending to elicit them. at the sound of my voice he awoke as if out of a dream; for he had been thinking, and very intently thinking, his own thoughts, after his own manner. “how did he like vashti?” i wished to know.
“hm-m-m,” was the first scarce articulate but expressive answer; and then such a strange smile went wandering round his lips, a smile so critical, so almost callous! i suppose that for natures of that order his sympathies were callous. in a few terse phrases he told me his opinion of, and feeling towards, the actress: he judged her as a woman, not an artist: it was a branding judgment.
that night was already marked in my book of life, not with white, but with a deep-red cross. but i had not done with it yet; and other memoranda were destined to be set down in characters of tint indelible.
towards midnight, when the deepening tragedy blackened to the death-scene, and all held their breath, and even graham bit his under-lip, and knit his brow, and sat still and struck — when the whole theatre was hushed, when the vision of all eyes centred in one point, when all ears listened towards one quarter — nothing being seen but the white form sunk on a seat, quivering in conflict with her last, her worst-hated, her visibly-conquering foe — nothing heard but her throes, her gaspings, breathing yet of mutiny, panting still defiance; when, as it seemed, an inordinate will, convulsing a perishing mortal frame, bent it to battle with doom and death, fought every inch of ground, sold every drop of blood, resisted to the latest the rape of every faculty, would see, would hear, would breathe, would live, up to, within, well-nigh beyond the moment when death says to all sense and all being —“thus far and no farther!”—
just then a stir, pregnant with omen, rustled behind the scenes — feet ran, voices spoke. what was it? demanded the whole house. a flame, a smell of smoke replied.
“fire!” rang through the gallery. “fire!” was repeated, re-echoed, yelled forth: and then, and faster than pen can set it down, came panic, rushing, crushing — a blind, selfish, cruel chaos.
and dr. john? reader, i see him yet, with his look of comely courage and cordial calm.
“lucy will sit still, i know,” said he, glancing down at me with the same serene goodness, the same repose of firmness that i have seen in him when sitting at his side amid the secure peace of his mother’s hearth. yes, thus adjured, i think i would have sat still under a rocking crag: but, indeed, to sit still in actual circumstances was my instinct; and at the price of my very life, i would not have moved to give him trouble, thwart his will, or make demands on his attention. we were in the stalls, and for a few minutes there was a most terrible, ruthless pressure about us.
“how terrified are the women!” said he; “but if the men were not almost equally so, order might be maintained. this is a sorry scene: i see fifty selfish brutes at this moment, each of whom, if i were near, i could conscientiously knock down. i see some women braver than some men. there is one yonder — good god!”
while graham was speaking, a young girl who had been very quietly and steadily clinging to a gentleman before us, was suddenly struck from her protector’s arms by a big, butcherly intruder, and hurled under the feet of the crowd. scarce two seconds lasted her disappearance. graham rushed forwards; he and the gentleman, a powerful man though grey-haired, united their strength to thrust back the throng; her head and long hair fell back over his shoulder: she seemed unconscious.
“trust her with me; i am a medical man,” said dr. john.
“if you have no lady with you, be it so,” was the answer. “hold her, and i will force a passage: we must get her to the air.”
“i have a lady,” said graham; “but she will be neither hindrance nor incumbrance.”
he summoned me with his eye: we were separated. resolute, however, to rejoin him, i penetrated the living barrier, creeping under where i could not get between or over.
“fasten on me, and don’t leave go,” he said; and i obeyed him.
our pioneer proved strong and adroit; he opened the dense mass like a wedge; with patience and toil he at last bored through the flesh-and-blood rock — so solid, hot, and suffocating — and brought us to the fresh, freezing night.
“you are an englishman!” said he, turning shortly on dr. bretton, when we got into the street.
“an englishman. and i speak to a countryman?” was the reply.
“right. be good enough to stand here two minutes, whilst i find my carriage.”
“papa, i am not hurt,” said a girlish voice; “am i with papa?”
“you are with a friend, and your father is close at hand.”
“tell him i am not hurt, except just in my shoulder. oh, my shoulder! they trod just here.”
“dislocation, perhaps!” muttered the doctor: “let us hope there is no worse injury done. lucy, lend a hand one instant.”
and i assisted while he made some arrangement of drapery and position for the ease of his suffering burden. she suppressed a moan, and lay in his arms quietly and patiently.
“she is very light,” said graham, “like a child!” and he asked in my ear, “is she a child, lucy? did you notice her age?”
“i am not a child — i am a person of seventeen,” responded the patient, demurely and with dignity. then, directly after: “tell papa to come; i get anxious.”
the carriage drove up; her father relieved graham; but in the exchange from one bearer to another she was hurt, and moaned again.
“my darling!” said the father, tenderly; then turning to graham, “you said, sir, you are a medical man?”
“i am: dr. bretton, of la terrasse.”
“good. will you step into my carriage?”
“my own carriage is here: i will seek it, and accompany you.”
“be pleased, then, to follow us.” and he named his address: “the h?tel crécy, in the rue crécy.”
we followed; the carriage drove fast; myself and graham were silent. this seemed like an adventure.
some little time being lost in seeking our own equipage, we reached the hotel perhaps about ten minutes after these strangers. it was an hotel in the foreign sense: a collection of dwelling-houses, not an inn — a vast, lofty pile, with a huge arch to its street-door, leading through a vaulted covered way, into a square all built round.
we alighted, passed up a wide, handsome public staircase, and stopped at numéro 2 on the second landing; the first floor comprising the abode of i know not what “prince russe,” as graham informed me. on ringing the bell at a second great door, we were admitted to a suite of very handsome apartments. announced by a servant in livery, we entered a drawing-room whose hearth glowed with an english fire, and whose walls gleamed with foreign mirrors. near the hearth appeared a little group: a slight form sunk in a deep arm-chair, one or two women busy about it, the iron-grey gentleman anxiously looking on.
“where is harriet? i wish harriet would come to me,” said the girlish voice, faintly.
“where is mrs. hurst?” demanded the gentleman impatiently and somewhat sternly of the man-servant who had admitted us.
“i am sorry to say she is gone out of town, sir; my young lady gave her leave till to-morrow.”
“yes — i did — i did. she is gone to see her sister; i said she might go: i remember now,” interposed the young lady; “but i am so sorry, for manon and louison cannot understand a word i say, and they hurt me without meaning to do so.”
dr. john and the gentleman now interchanged greetings; and while they passed a few minutes in consultation, i approached the easy-chair, and seeing what the faint and sinking girl wished to have done, i did it for her.
i was still occupied in the arrangement, when graham drew near; he was no less skilled in surgery than medicine, and, on examination, found that no further advice than his own was necessary to the treatment of the present case. he ordered her to be carried to her chamber, and whispered to me:—“go with the women, lucy; they seem but dull; you can at least direct their movements, and thus spare her some pain. she must be touched very tenderly.”
the chamber was a room shadowy with pale-blue hangings, vaporous with curtainings and veilings of muslin; the bed seemed to me like snow-drift and mist — spotless, soft, and gauzy. making the women stand apart, i undressed their mistress, without their well-meaning but clumsy aid. i was not in a sufficiently collected mood to note with separate distinctness every detail of the attire i removed, but i received a general impression of refinement, delicacy, and perfect personal cultivation; which, in a period of after-thought, offered in my reflections a singular contrast to notes retained of miss ginevra fanshawe’s appointments.
the girl was herself a small, delicate creature, but made like a model. as i folded back her plentiful yet fine hair, so shining and soft, and so exquisitely tended, i had under my observation a young, pale, weary, but high-bred face. the brow was smooth and clear; the eyebrows were distinct, but soft, and melting to a mere trace at the temples; the eyes were a rich gift of nature — fine and full, large, deep, seeming to hold dominion over the slighter subordinate features — capable, probably, of much significance at another hour and under other circumstances than the present, but now languid and suffering. her skin was perfectly fair, the neck and hands veined finely like the petals of a flower; a thin glazing of the ice of pride polished this delicate exterior, and her lip wore a curl — i doubt not inherent and unconscious, but which, if i had seen it first with the accompaniments of health and state, would have struck me as unwarranted, and proving in the little lady a quite mistaken view of life and her own consequence.
her demeanour under the doctor’s hands at first excited a smile; it was not puerile — rather, on the whole, patient and firm — but yet, once or twice she addressed him with suddenness and sharpness, saying that he hurt her, and must contrive to give her less pain; i saw her large eyes, too, settle on his face like the solemn eyes of some pretty, wondering child. i know not whether graham felt this examination: if be did, he was cautious not to check or discomfort it by any retaliatory look. i think he performed his work with extreme care and gentleness, sparing her what pain he could; and she acknowledged as much, when he had done, by the words:—“thank you, doctor, and good-night,” very gratefully pronounced as she uttered them, however, it was with a repetition of the serious, direct gaze, i thought, peculiar in its gravity and intentness.
the injuries, it seems, were not dangerous: an assurance which her father received with a smile that almost made one his friend — it was so glad and gratified. he now expressed his obligations to graham with as much earnestness as was befitting an englishman addressing one who has served him, but is yet a stranger; he also begged him to call the next day.
“papa,” said a voice from the veiled couch, “thank the lady, too; is she there?”
i opened the curtain with a smile, and looked in at her. she lay now at comparative ease; she looked pretty, though pale; her face was delicately designed, and if at first sight it appeared proud, i believe custom might prove it to be soft.
“i thank the lady very sincerely,” said her father: “i fancy she has been very good to my child. i think we scarcely dare tell mrs. hurst who has been her substitute and done her work; she will feel at once ashamed and jealous.”
and thus, in the most friendly spirit, parting greetings were interchanged; and refreshment having been hospitably offered, but by us, as it was late, refused, we withdrew from the h?tel crécy.
on our way back we repassed the theatre. all was silence and darkness: the roaring, rushing crowd all vanished and gone — the damps, as well as the incipient fire, extinct and forgotten. next morning’s papers explained that it was but some loose drapery on which a spark had fallen, and which had blazed up and been quenched in a moment.
