harry stayed a little too long with his love,—a little longer at least than had been computed, and in consequence met theodore burton in the crescent as he was leaving it. this meeting could hardly be made without something of pain, and perhaps it was well for harry that he should have such an opportunity as this for getting over it quickly. but when he saw mr. burton under the bright gas-lamp he would very willingly have avoided him, had it been possible.
"well, harry?" said burton, giving his hand to the repentant sheep.
"how are you, burton?" said harry, trying to speak with an unconcerned voice. then in answer to an inquiry as to his health, he told of his own illness, speaking of that confounded fever having made him very low. he intended no deceit, but he made more of the fever than was necessary.
"when will you come back to the shop?" burton asked. it must be remembered that though the brother could not refuse to welcome back to his home his sister's lover, still he thought that the engagement was a misfortune. he did not believe in harry as a man of business, and had almost rejoiced when florence had been so nearly quit of him. and now there was a taint of sarcasm in his voice as he asked as to harry's return to the chambers in the adelphi.
"i can hardly quite say as yet," said harry, still pleading his illness. "they were very much against my coming up to london so soon. indeed i should not have done it had i not felt so very—very anxious to see florence. i don't know, burton, whether i ought to say anything to you about that."
"i suppose you have said what you had to say to the women?"
"oh, yes. i think they understand me completely, and i hope that i understand them."
"in that case i don't know that you need say anything to me. come to the adelphi as soon as you can; that's all. i never think myself that a man becomes a bit stronger after an illness by remaining idle." then harry passed on, and felt that he had escaped easily in that interview.
but as he walked home he was compelled to think of the step which he must next take. when he had last seen lady ongar he had left her with a promise that florence was to be deserted for her sake. as yet that promise would by her be supposed to be binding. indeed he had thought it to be binding on himself till he had found himself under his mother's influence at the parsonage. during his last few weeks in london he had endured an agony of doubt; but in his vacillations the pendulum had always veered more strongly towards bolton street than to onslow crescent. now the swinging of the pendulum had ceased altogether. from henceforth bolton street must be forbidden ground to him, and the sheepfold in onslow crescent must be his home till he should have established a small peculiar fold for himself. but, as yet, he had still before him the task of communicating his final decision to the lady in bolton street. as he walked home he determined that he had better do so in the first place by letter, and so eager was he as to the propriety of doing this at once, that on his return to his lodgings he sat down, and wrote the letter before he went to his bed. it was not very easily written. here, at any rate, he had to make those confessions of which i have before spoken;—confessions which it may be less difficult to make with pen and ink than with spoken words, but which when so made are more degrading. the word that is written is a thing capable of permanent life, and lives frequently to the confusion of its parent. a man should make his confessions always by word of mouth if it be possible. whether such a course would have been possible to harry clavering may be doubtful. it might have been that in a personal meeting the necessary confession would not have got itself adequately spoken. thinking, perhaps, of this he wrote his letter as follows on that night.
bloomsbury square, july, 186—.
the date was easily written, but how was he to go on after that? in what form of affection or indifference was he to address her whom he had at that last meeting called his own, his dearest julia? he got out of his difficulty in the way common to ladies and gentlemen under such stress, and did not address her by any name or any epithet. the date he allowed to remain, and then he went away at once to the matter of his subject.
i feel that i owe it you at once to tell you what has been my history during the last few weeks. i came up from clavering to-day, and have since that been with mrs. and miss burton. immediately on my return from them i sit down to write you.
after having said so much, harry probably felt that the rest of his letter would be surplusage. those few words would tell her all that it was required that she should know. but courtesy demanded that he should say more, and he went on with his confession.
you know that i became engaged to miss burton soon after your own marriage. i feel now that i should have told you this when we first met; but yet, had i done so, it would have seemed as though i told it with a special object. i don't know whether i make myself understood in this. i can only hope that i do so.
understood! of course she understood it all. she required no blundering explanation from him to assist her intelligence.
i wish now that i had mentioned it. it would have been better for both of us. i should have been saved much pain; and you, perhaps, some uneasiness.
i was called down to clavering a few weeks ago, about some business in the family, and then became ill,—so that i was confined to my bed instead of returning to town. had it not been for this i should not have left you so long in suspense,—that is if there has been suspense. for myself, i have to own that i have been very weak,—worse than weak, i fear you will think. i do not know whether your old regard for me will prompt you to make any excuse for me, but i am well sure that i can make none for myself which will not have suggested itself to you, without my urging it. if you choose to think that i have been heartless,—or rather, if you are able so to think of me, no words of mine, written or spoken now, will remove that impression from your mind.
i believe that i need write nothing further. you will understand from what i have said all that i should have to say were i to refer at length to that which has passed between us. all that is over now, and it only remains for me to express a hope that you may be happy. whether we shall ever see each other again who shall say?—but if we do i trust that we may not meet as enemies. may god bless you here and hereafter.
harry clavering.
when the letter was finished harry sat for a while by his open window looking at the moon, over the chimney-pots of his square, and thinking of his career in life as it had hitherto been fulfilled. the great promise of his earlier days had not been kept. his plight in the world was now poor enough, though his hopes had been so high! he was engaged to be married, but had no income on which to marry. he had narrowly escaped great wealth. ah!—it was hard for him to think of that without a regret; but he did strive so to think of it. though he told himself that it would have been evil for him to have depended on money which had been procured by the very act which had been to him an injury,—to have dressed himself in the feathers which had been plucked from lord ongar's wings,—it was hard for him to think of all that he had missed, and rejoice thoroughly that he had missed it. but he told himself that he so rejoiced, and endeavoured to be glad that he had not soiled his hands with riches which never would have belonged to the woman he had loved had she not earned them by being false to him. early on the following morning he sent off his letter, and then, putting himself into a cab, bowled down to onslow crescent. the sheepfold now was very pleasant to him when the head shepherd was away, and so much gratification it was natural that he should allow himself.
that evening, when he came from his club, he found a note from lady ongar. it was very short, and the blood rushed to his face as he felt ashamed at seeing with how much apparent ease she had answered him. he had written with difficulty, and had written awkwardly. but there was nothing awkward in her words.
dear harry,—we are quits now. i do not know why we should ever meet as enemies. i shall never feel myself to be an enemy of yours. i think it would be well that we should see each other, and if you have no objection to seeing me, i will be at home any evening that you may call. indeed i am at home always in the evening. surely, harry, there can be no reason why we should not meet. you need not fear that there will be danger in it.
will you give my compliments to miss florence burton, with my best wishes for her happiness? your mrs. burton i have seen,—as you may have heard, and i congratulate you on your friend.
yours always, j. o.
the writing of this letter seemed to have been easy enough, and certainly there was nothing in it that was awkward; but i think that the writer had suffered more in the writing than harry had done in producing his longer epistle. but she had known how to hide her suffering, and had used a tone which told no tale of her wounds. we are quits now, she had said, and she had repeated the words over and over again to herself as she walked up and down her room. yes! they were quits now,—if the reflection of that fact could do her any good. she had ill-treated him in her early days; but, as she had told herself so often, she had served him rather than injured him by that ill-treatment. she had been false to him; but her falsehood had preserved him from a lot which could not have been fortunate. with such a clog as she would have been round his neck,—with such a wife, without a shilling of fortune, how could he have risen in the world? no! though she had deceived him, she had served him. then,—after that,—had come the tragedy of her life, the terrible days in thinking of which she still shuddered, the days of her husband and sophie gordeloup,—that terrible deathbed, those attacks upon her honour, misery upon misery, as to which she never now spoke a word to any one, and as to which she was resolved that she never would speak again. she had sold herself for money, and had got the price; but the punishment of her offence had been very heavy. and now, in these latter days, she had thought to compensate the man she had loved for the treachery with which she had used him. that treachery had been serviceable to him, but not the less should the compensation be very rich. and she would love him too. ah, yes; she had always loved him! he should have it all now,—everything, if only he would consent to forget that terrible episode in her life, as she would strive to forget it. all that should remain to remind them of lord ongar would be the wealth that should henceforth belong to harry clavering. such had been her dream, and harry had come to her with words of love which made it seem to be a reality. he had spoken to her words of love which he was now forced to withdraw, and the dream was dissipated. it was not to be allowed to her to escape her penalty so easily as that! as for him, they were now quits. that being the case, there could be no reason why they should quarrel.
but what now should she do with her wealth, and especially how should she act in respect to that place down in the country? though she had learned to hate ongar park during her solitary visit there, she had still looked forward to the pleasure the property might give her, when she should be able to bestow it upon harry clavering. but that had been part of her dream, and the dream was now over. through it all she had been conscious that she might hardly dare to hope that the end of her punishment should come so soon,—and now she knew that it was not to come. as far as she could see, there was no end to the punishment in prospect for her. from her first meeting with harry clavering on the platform of the railway station his presence, or her thoughts of him, had sufficed to give some brightness to her life,—had enabled her to support the friendship of sophie gordeloup, and also to support her solitude when poor sophie had been banished. but now she was left without any resource. as she sat alone, meditating on all this, she endeavoured to console herself with the reflection that, after all, she was the one whom harry loved,—whom harry would have chosen, had he been free to choose. but the comfort to be derived from that was very poor. yes; he had loved her once,—nay, perhaps he loved her still. but when that love was her own she had rejected it. she had rejected it, simply declaring to him, to her friends, and to the world at large, that she preferred to be rich. she had her reward, and, bowing her head upon her hands, she acknowledged that the punishment was deserved.
her first step after writing her note to harry was to send for mr. turnbull, her lawyer. she had expected to see harry on the evening of the day on which she had written, but instead of that she received a note from him in which he said that he would come to her before long. mr. turnbull was more instant in obeying her commands, and was with her on the morning after he received her injunction. he was almost a perfect stranger to her, having only seen her once and that for a few moments after her return to england. her marriage settlements had been prepared for her by sir hugh's attorney; but during her sojourn in florence it had become necessary that she should have some one in london to look after her own affairs, and mr. turnbull had been recommended to her by lawyers employed by her husband. he was a prudent, sensible man, who recognized it to be his imperative interest to look after his client's interest. and he had done his duty by lady ongar in that trying time immediately after her return. an offer had then been made by the courton family to give julia her income without opposition if she would surrender ongar park. to this she had made objections with indignation, and mr. turnbull, though he had at first thought that she would be wise to comply with the terms proposed, had done her work for her with satisfactory expedition. since those days she had not seen him, but now she had summoned him, and he was with her in bolton street.
"i want to speak to you, mr. turnbull," she said, "about that place down in surrey. i don't like it."
"not like ongar park?" he said. "i have always heard that it is so charming."
"it is not charming to me. it is a sort of property that i don't want, and i mean to give it up."
"lord ongar's uncles would buy your interest in it, i have no doubt."
"exactly. they have sent to me, offering to do so. my brother-in-law, sir hugh clavering, called on me with a message from them saying so. i thought that he was very foolish to come, and so i told him. such things should be done by one's lawyers. don't you think so, mr. turnbull?" mr. turnbull smiled as he declared that, of course, he, being a lawyer, was of that opinion. "i am afraid they will have thought me uncivil," continued julia, "as i spoke rather brusquely to sir hugh clavering. i am not inclined to take any steps through sir hugh clavering; but i do not know that i have any reason to be angry with the little lord's family."
"really, lady ongar, i think not. when your ladyship returned there was some opposition thought of for a while, but i really do not think it was their fault."
"no; it was not their fault."
"that was my feeling at the time; it was indeed."
"it was the fault of lord ongar,—of my husband. as regards all the courtons i have no word of complaint to make. it is not to be expected,—it is not desirable that they and i should be friends. it is impossible, after what has passed, that there should be such friendship. but they have never injured me, and i wish to oblige them. had ongar park suited me i should, doubtless, have kept it; but it does not suit me, and they are welcome to have it back again."
"has a price been named, lady ongar?"
"no price need be named. there is to be no question of a price. lord ongar's mother is welcome to the place,—or rather to such interest as i have in it."
"and to pay a rent?" suggested mr. turnbull.
"to pay no rent! nothing would induce me to let the place, or to sell my right in it. i will have no bargain about it. but as nothing also will induce me to live there, i am not such a dog in the manger as to wish to keep it. if you will have the kindness to see mr. courton's lawyer and to make arrangements about it."
"but, lady ongar; what you call your right in the estate is worth over twenty thousand pounds. it is indeed. you could borrow twenty thousand pounds on the security of it to-morrow."
"but i don't want to borrow twenty thousand pounds."
"no, no; exactly. of course you don't. but i point out that fact to show the value. you would be making a present of that sum of money to people who do not want it,—who have no claim upon you. i really don't see how they could take it."
"mrs. courton wishes to have the place very much."
"but, my lady, she has never thought of getting it without paying for it. lady ongar, i really cannot advise you to take any such step as that. indeed, i cannot. i should be wrong, as your lawyer, if i did not point out to you that such a proceeding would be quite romantic,—quite so; what the world would call quixotic. people don't expect such things as that. they don't, indeed."
"people don't often have such reasons as i have," said lady ongar. mr. turnbull sat silent for a while, looking as though he were unhappy. the proposition made to him was one which, as a lawyer, he felt to be very distasteful to him. he knew that his client had no male friends in whom she confided, and he felt that the world would blame him if he allowed this lady to part with her property in the way she had suggested. "you will find that i am in earnest," she continued, smiling. "and you may as well give way to my vagaries with a good grace."
"they would not take it, lady ongar."
"at any rate we can try them. if you will make them understand that i don't at all want the place, and that it will go to rack and ruin because there is no one to live there, i am sure they will take it."
then mr. turnbull again sat silent and unhappy, thinking with what words he might best bring forward his last and strongest argument against this rash proceeding.
"lady ongar," he said, "in your peculiar position there are double reasons why you should not act in this way."
"what do you mean, mr. turnbull? what is my peculiar position?"
"the world will say that you have restored ongar park because you were afraid to keep it. indeed, lady ongar, you had better let it remain as it is."
"i care nothing for what the world says," she exclaimed, rising quickly from her chair;—"nothing; nothing!"
"you should really hold by your rights; you should, indeed. who can possibly say what other interests may be concerned? you may marry, and live for the next fifty years, and have a family. it is my duty, lady ongar, to point out these things to you."
"i am sure you are quite right, mr. turnbull," she said, struggling to maintain a quiet demeanour. "you, of course, are only doing your duty. but whether i marry or whether i remain as i am, i shall give up this place. and as for what the world, as you call it, may say, i will not deny that i cared much for that on my immediate return. what people said then made me very unhappy. but i care nothing for it now. i have established my rights, and that has been sufficient. to me it seems that the world, as you call it, has been civil enough in its usage of me lately. it is only of those who should have been my friends that i have a right to complain. if you will please to do this thing for me, i will be obliged to you."
"if you are quite determined about it—"
"i am quite determined. what is the use of the place to me? i never shall go there. what is the use even of the money that comes to me? i have no purpose for it. i have nothing to do with it."
there was something in her tone as she said this which well filled him with pity.
"you should remember," he said, "how short a time it is since you became a widow. things will be different with you soon."
"my clothes will be different, if you mean that," she answered; "but i do not know that there will be any other change in me. but i am wrong to trouble you with all this. if you will let mr. courton's lawyer know, with my compliments to mrs. courton, that i have heard that she would like to have the place, and that i do not want it, i will be obliged to you." mr. turnbull having by this time perceived that she was quite in earnest, took his leave, having promised to do her bidding.
in this interview she had told her lawyer only a part of the plan which was now running in her head. as for giving up ongar park, she took to herself no merit for that. the place had been odious to her ever since she had endeavoured to establish herself there and had found that the clergyman's wife would not speak to her,—that even her own housekeeper would hardly condescend to hold converse with her. she felt that she would be a dog in the manger to keep the place in her own possession. but she had thoughts beyond this,—resolutions only as yet half-formed as to a wider surrender. she had disgraced herself, ruined herself, robbed herself of all happiness by the marriage she had made. her misery had not been simply the misery of that lord's lifetime. as might have been expected, that was soon over. but an enduring wretchedness had come after that from which she saw no prospect of escape. what was to be her future life, left as she was and would be, in desolation? if she were to give it all up,—all the wealth that had been so ill-gotten,—might there not then be some hope of comfort for her?
she had been willing enough to keep lord ongar's money, and use it for the purposes of her own comfort, while she had still hoped that comfort might come from it. the remembrance of all that she had to give had been very pleasant to her, as long as she had hoped that harry clavering would receive it at her hands. she had not at once felt that the fruit had all turned to ashes. but now,—now that harry was gone from her,—now that she had no friend left to her whom she could hope to make happy by her munificence,—the very knowledge of her wealth was a burden to her. and as she thought of her riches in these first days of her desertion, as she had indeed been thinking since cecilia burton had been with her, she came to understand that she was degraded by their acquisition. she had done that which had been unpardonably bad, and she felt like judas when he stood with the price of his treachery in his hand. he had given up his money, and would not she do as much? there had been a moment in which she had nearly declared all her purpose to the lawyer, but she was held back by the feeling that she ought to make her plans certain before she communicated them to him.
she must live. she could not go out and hang herself as judas had done. and then there was her title and rank, of which she did not know whether it was within her power to divest herself. she sorely felt the want of some one from whom in her present need she might ask counsel; of some friend to whom she could trust to tell her in what way she might now best atone for the evil she had done. plans ran through her head which were thrown aside almost as soon as made, because she saw that they were impracticable. she even longed in these days for her sister's aid, though of old she had thought but little of hermy as a counsellor. she had no friend whom she might ask;—unless she might still ask harry clavering.
if she did not keep it all might she still keep something,—enough for decent life,—and yet comfort herself with the feeling that she had expiated her sin? and what would be said of her when she had made this great surrender? would not the world laugh at her instead of praising her,—that world as to which she had assured mr. turnbull that she did not care what its verdict about her might be? she had many doubts. ah! why had not harry clavering remained true to her? but her punishment had come upon her with all its severity, and she acknowledged to herself now that it was not to be avoided.
