janet and annie came up to me to-night. "hullo!" i cried, "what's become of ellen and gladys and jean?"
"we're no speakin' to them," said annie loftily.
"cheeky things!" said janet with scorn.
i became interested at once.
"rivals in a love affair?" i asked.
they sniffed, and ignored the query.
"it was jean," said annie bitterly. "she went and telt the mester that aw spoke when he was oot o' the room."
"aye," said janet, "she put doon my name tae. wait er i get her at hame the nicht!"
i understood. macdonald evidently favours the obnoxious practice of setting a bairn to spy on the others ... a silly thing to do.
"aye," went on annie, "and she called us navvies' lasses!"
"and you replied?"
"aw telt her to g'wa hame and darn the hole in her stockin'. 'aye,' aw said, 'and ye can wash yer neck at the same time, jean broon!'"
"but," i said, "jean never has a dirty neck, annie."
"weel, what did she say that aw was a navvy's lass for then?" she demanded indignantly.
[pg 176]
"i'm afraid that she has seen you speaking to navvies, annie."
annie became excited. she clutched janet by the sleeve.
"eh! what an insult!" she cried. "janet broon, div aw speak to navvies?"
"never in a' yer life," said janet firmly, "never wance ... unless yon day that the twa o' them speered at ye the wye to the huts."
"but aw didna answer," said annie quickly; "aw just pointed."
"are you sure?" i asked.
"sure as daith," she declared solemnly, and she cut her breath. "aw maybe wud ha' spoken," she admitted, "but aw had a muckle lump o' jaw-stickin' toffee in my mooth, and aw cudna speak supposin' aw had wanted to."
"pointing was as bad as speaking," i said.
"if it was," said annie tensely, "jean never washes her neck. so there!"
they departed, and in half-an-hour the enemy came up. they sat in the bothy in silence for a time.
"well," i said cheerily, "what's the news to-night?"
"we're fechtin'," said gladys, "fechtin' wi' annie and janet."
"what's it all about, eh?"
"the mester gar me write doon the names o' them that was speakin'," blurted out jean, "and aw put doon their names."
[pg 177]
"yes," chimed in ellen, "and syne they ca'ed jean a tramp, and said that the mester gae her the job o' writin' doon the names cos she was sic a bad writer and needed practice."
"aye," said gladys, "and they telt me my mither got my pink frock dyed black when my faither deed."
"and it wasna her pink frock," cried ellen; "it was her green ane."
"this is alarming," i said with concern. "but tell me, jean, did you say anything to them?"
"aw never said a word!"
"not one word?"
"they cried to us that we was navvies' dochters, and aw just said: 'aw wud rather be a navvy's dochter than the dochter o' annie miller's faither onywye.'"
"they telt jean to wash her neck," said gladys.
jean smiled grimly.
"aye, but they got mair than they bargained for! i just says to them, aw says: 'annie miller, gang hame and tell yer faither to redd up his farm-yaird. aye, and tell yer mither to wash yer heid ilka week instead o' twice a year!'"
"but," i protested, "annie gets her hair washed every saturday night!"
"and aw get my neck washen ilka mornin'!"
"all right, jean, but you haven't told me what you said to janet."
"jan! i soon settled her! i just says to[pg 178] her says aw: 'wha stailt the plums that mither brocht hame on saturday nicht?'"
"and did jan steal the plums?" i asked.
"she did that!"
"and you never touched them?"
"no the plums," she said frankly; "aw wasna sic a thief as that. aw only took a wee corner o' the fig toffee."
i scratched my head thoughtfully.
"this is a bonny racket, girls. i don't know what to make of it. i think you'll better make it up."
"never!" cried jean stoutly. "ellen and gladys and me's never to speak to them again; are'n we no, ellen?"
"never!" cried ellen.
"no if they were to gang doon on their bended knees!" declared gladys.
"that's awkward for you, jean," i said. "do you mean to tell me that you won't speak to jan when you are sleeping together?"
"aw'll just gie her a dig in the ribs wi' my elbow to mak her lie ower, but aw'll no open my mooth."
"and what if your mother says to you: 'jean, tell janet to feed the hens?'"
"aw'll just hand her the corn-dish and point to the henhoose."
"and put oot my tongue at her," she added.
"jean," i said suddenly, "i'll bet you a shilling that you are speaking to jan and annie by to-morrow night at four."
[pg 179]
"aw dinna hae a shillin'," she said ruefully, "but aw bet ye a hapenny aw'm no!"
* * *
to-night jean came running up to me when school was dismissed.
"gie's my hapenny!" she cried; "aw didna speak to annie and janet a' day!"
"honest?"
"it's true," said ellen, "isn't it gladys?"
"then i'll pay up my debt of honour," i said, and i held out a ha'penny.
jean took it, and then she set off round the steading in great haste. she returned with her arms round janet and annie.
"aw got bets burnett to tell them aboot the ha'penny," she confessed, "and to speer them no to speak to me a' day and aw wud gie them a bit o' sugarelly."
"you scheming besom!" i cried and i laid her on my bothy table and sat on her.
"eh! jean!" said gladys, "if only ye had said ye wud bet a shillin'!"
"dear me," i said hastily, "when i come to think of it i did bet a shilling. jean bet a hapenny, but i distinctly remember saying that i was betting a shilling. here you are, jean!" but jean refused it with indignation. not one of them would touch it.
"right!" i cried. "i'm going down to get cigarettes. who's coming?"
i spent a shilling on sweets and chocolate. no one would accept a single sweetie.
[pg 180]
"i'll give myself toothache if i eat them," i said. they paid no heed.
"i won't invite one of you to my marriage if you don't take them." they wavered, but did not give way.
"all right," i said with an air of great determination, "here goes!" and i tossed the bag into the field. they made no sign of interest, and we walked up the brae. jim jackson was coming down with his milk.
"jim," i began, "if you go down to that first gate, and look over the hedge you'll find—"
i got no farther.
"come on!" cried janet, "aw dinna want them, but jim jackson's no to get them onywye!"
i was glad to note that they gave jim a handful as he passed.
* * *
to-day was fair day, and the bairns all went to town. i cycled in in the afternoon, and took the girls on the hobby-horses. i also stood jim jackson and dickie gibson into the stirring drama entitled: "the moaning spirit of the moat ... a drama of the supernatural." i had a few shies at the hairy-dolls, and won two cocoanuts and a gold tie-pin. then i stood fascinated by the style of the gentleman who kept the ring stall. several articles were hung from hooks, and you tried to throw a ring on to a hook. his invariable comment on a ploughman's attempt was: "hard luck[pg 181] for the alarum-clock! give the gentleman a collar-stud."
about five o'clock jim came up to me.
"how now, duke," i said breezily, "how much money have you left?"
i was astonished to hear that he had half-a-crown.
"why!" i cried, "you told me at three o'clock that you had only ninepence left!"
he smiled enigmatically.
"aw've been speculatin'," he said proudly. "have ye seen the mannie that's sellin' watches and things at the cross? aw was standin' there wi' geordie steel this mornin', and the mannie speered if onybody wud gie him a penny for a shillin', and naebody wud dae it at first. syne a ploughman gae him a penny and he got the shillin'. syne the mannie speers again, and geordie got a shillin' for a ha'penny. syne he began to sell watches, and the first man that bocht a watch got his money back. syne he held up a gold chain, and the man that bocht that he got his money back. syne he held up anither gold chain and said he wud sell it for half-a-crown. so geordie ups and hauds oot his half-croon, and it was a' the money he had. weel, he gets the chain, but no his money back. 'don't go away,' says the mannie; 'each and every man as buys an article of jewellery will have his reward.'
"weel, aw waited for half-an-hoor, but geordie hadna got onything by that time, so aw goes and sees the boxin' show. after that[pg 182] aw had a shot o' the shoagin' boats, and syne aw went back to the cross. geordie was ay waitin' for his reward. so aw says to him: 'he's likely forgot a' aboot it, geordie; tell him!' so geordie hauds up his gold chain and says: 'hi, mannie, ye said aw was to get a reward!' 'o, yes,' says the mannie, 'and so you shall! i want you to keep these eighteen carat gold sleeve-links as a memento of this occasion,' and he shoved a pair o' links into geordie's hands. after that he shut his box and said he wud hae anither sale at four punctual.
"weel, aw began to think aboot the thing, and when he began again he did the same thing. 'will anyone oblige me by giving me a penny for half-a-crown?' he says, and aw was just puttin' up my hand when a man held up his penny. 'hi!' i cried, 'aw'll gie ye tuppence if ye like!' and the mannie that was selling the things he lauched and handed me the half-croon. 'you're the kind of lad i'm looking for for an apprentice,' he says, but whenever aw got the money aw turned and ran awa, and he cries after me: 'yes, you are the lad i want, but i see you are too clever for me.'"
i asked jim to show me the half-crown, and i examined it. it was quite genuine, but i said to jim: "men like that usually give away bad money." he was off like a flash, and when he came back he carried twenty-five pennies and ten hapennies.
[pg 183]
"if he starts to sell again," he announced, "aw'll get geordie to hand up the penny, but aw'll no stand aside him."
the girls each brought my "market" to me to-night ... a packet of rock. i asked about their spendings. janet had bought three lucky-bags and nine lucky eggs. she had had no luck, and was somewhat grieved at the fact that jean had bought only one lucky-egg and had got a new hapenny in it. janet would have bought another egg with the hapenny, but i was not surprised to hear that jean had bought sugarelly. ellen had bought a tupenny note-book and a copying-ink pencil, a rubber and a card of assorted pen-nibs. gladys had spent her all on lemon-kailie, the heavenly powder you get in oval boxes, with two wee tin spoons to sup it with.
jim came up later. his pockets contained three trumps, or jewish harps as they are called in catalogues, three copying-ink pencils, a pencil that wrote red at one end and blue at the other, two mouth-organs, a wire puzzle, and ... geordie's gold chain. the latter he had bought for tuppence and a double-stringed trump.
"aw spent three and fowerpence," he said, "but dinna tell the mester!"
"why not, jim?"
"cos he'll be angry. he told us yesterday no to spend oor money at the market, but to bring it and put it in the savin's bank."
i wonder what becomes of the money that[pg 184] children put into the savings bank. i think that their parents usually collar it at some time or another. i half suspect that quite a number of cottage pianos owe their appearance to the children's bank-books. i stopped the saving business when i was down in the school. bairns seldom get money, and sugarelly is like robinson crusoe: you must tackle it when you are young, or you never enjoy it thoroughly. i think it cruel to make a bairn bank the penny it gets for running a message. spending is always a pleasant thing, but a bairn gets more delirious joy out of buying a hapenny lucky-bag than an adult gets out of buying a thousand guinea rolls royce motor.
some parents are foolish enough to give their bairns too much to spend. little mary wallace has a penny every day of the year. i think that foolish of her mother. spending must be a very rare thing if it is to yield the highest pleasure.
i would advise bairns to save when they have a definite object in view. to lay up treasure in the post office savings bank is, for a bairn, about as tempting as laying up treasure in heaven. bairns can't entertain remote possibilities. you can tell a boy that a sum in the bank will help him to buy clothes or a bicycle when he is a man, and the prospect does not thrill him. you can't persuade a boy to cast his eyes on the years to come when his eyes are rivetted on a cake of chewing-gum in the village shop window. if he saves it[pg 185] should be for a direct tangible object. he takes up a gamage catalogue (the most delightful of books to a boy), and he sees an illustration of a water-pistol costing a shilling. if he is a boy of spirit he will deny himself sweeties for a month in order to get that pistol. the self-discipline necessary to enable a village boy to buy a water-pistol will do him infinitely more good than all the discipline of all the macdonalds in scotland. i would have all children poor in money, but i would give them the opportunity of earning enough money to buy their toys. a little poverty is good for anybody; i would recommend a young man to live on twelve shillings a week for a year or two; he would begin to see things in proportion.
a friend of mine bases his antipathy to socialism on this view of poverty. he argues that poverty brings out self-reliance, pluck, grit. when i ask him why he doesn't support socialism as a means of bringing all these advantages to the poor wealthy folk, he is at a loss. in a manner i agree with him; poverty will often give a race splendid characteristics. but socialism recognises that the wealth of the world is divided most unequally. at one end you have luxury that makes men degenerate; at the other end you have poverty that makes men swine. if shaw's idea of equal incomes could be carried out each person would be in the position of a member of the present lower middle class; he would be rich enough to be well-fed and happy, and he would be[pg 186] poor enough to discipline himself to make sacrifices to attain an object. i don't think that any man should satisfy more than one desire at a time. if andrew carnegie wants a motor-car and a four manual organ he has simply to tell his secretary to write out two cheques. but if i want a motor-cycle and an angelus player-piano i've got to give up one desire. i know that i'll tire of either, and all i have to do is to sit down and wonder which novelty will last the longer. i want both very much. a 2?-h.p. douglas would be delightful, and an angelus with lots of rolls would charm the long nights away. but ... there is margaret. i begin to think of blankets and sheets and pots and pans. i don't want any of these plebeian articles, but i want margaret very much, and i know that along with her i must take the whole bunch of kitchen utensils.
i begin to feel sorry for millionaires. one of the finer pleasures of life is the desiring of a thing you can't buy. the sorriest man in story is the millionaire who arrived at a big hotel very late, so late that he couldn't be served with supper. he straightway sent for the proprietor and asked the price of the hotel. he wrote out a cheque on the spot ... and called for his sausage and mashed—or whatever the dish was. no wonder that millionaires complain of indigestion.
that story contains a fine moral. i don't exactly know what the moral is, but i hazard[pg 187] the opinion that the moral is this:—never buy a hotel in order to get a plate of sausage and mashed. millionaires might be defined as men who buy hotels in order to get sausage and mashed ... and they can't digest the sausage when they have got it. when a carnegie builds a great organ in a great hall he is really buying the whole hotel. he is taking an unfair advantage of his fellow music-lovers. a plate of sausage and mashed would be of far greater moment to g. k. chesterton than to the millionaire, but g. k. couldn't buy the whole hotel; he would merely swear volubly and tighten the belt of his waistcoat ... if that were possible. the millionaire should not have this advantage over chesterton. so a millionaire should not have any advantage over a music-lover. collinson, the edinburgh university organist, has no doubt a greater appreciation of organ music than a carnegie, but he has to go down to his church organ on a winter night if he wants to play a bach fugue. money is power, they say, but money is worse than power; it is tyranny. a successful pork-merchant whose one talent is his ability to tell at a glance how much pig it takes to fill a thousand tins of lamb cutlet, may buy up half the treasures of the world if he likes. priceless pictures and violins lie in millionaires' halls, while students of genius study prints and practise on two guinea fiddles. at first sight this seems a problem that horatio bottomley would handle eagerly and [pg 188]popularly, but the problem is really a deep one. when humanity abolishes the power to amass millions who is to have the priceless treasures? in the case of art the community of course. (i see in to-day's paper that rodin has bequeathed all his works to france.) but what of the stradivarius violins? i would have them lent to the geniuses. who is to decide who the geniuses are? that is a question of fundamentals, and if i had left the question to mr. bottomley i think he would have recommended his readers to "write to john bull about it."
i begin to feel that i am talking through my hat as the vulgar phrase has it. my baccy's finished, and i can't concentrate my attention on any subject. what i meant to do was to show that a millionaire is a man to be pitied. to buy a titian painting when your tastes lie in the direction of heath robinson's frightful war pictures is as pathetic a thing to do as to sit out a classical concert when your tastes lead you to a passionate love for ragtime. and buying a titian is a simple case of buying the hotel in order to get the sausage and mashed that you can't eat.
millionaires ... no, it's no good; i'll have to fold up my typewriter till i get some more baccy.
