two years elapsed. their history is easily told. i lived and moved and had my being in a profound apathy to all that passed around me. the material conditions of my existence caused me no distress. i dwelt in a dingy room in a dirty house; ate poor food, wore poor clothing, worked long hours; was treated as a menial and had to put up with a hundred indignities every day; but i was wholly indifferent, had other things to think of. my thoughts and my feelings were concentrated upon my one great grief. my heart had no room left in it for pettier troubles. i do not believe that there was a waking moment in those two years’ when i was unconscious of my love and my loss. veronika abode with me morning, noon, and night. my memory of her and my unutterable sorrow for her engrossed me to the exclusion of all else.
my violin i did not unlock from year’s end to year’s end. i could not get over my hatred for the bare idea of music. music recalled the past too vividly. i had not the fortitude to endure it. the sound of a hand-organ in the street was enough to cause me a twinge like that of a nerve touched by steel.
as the winter leaped into spring, and days came which were the duplicates of those i had spent with her, of course my pain grew more acute. the murmur of out-door life and the warmth and perfume of the spring air, penetrated to the very quick of memory and made it quiver. but at about this time i began to taste an unexpected pleasure. it was an odd one. of old, during our betrothal, i had been tormented almost nightly by bad dreams. as surely as i laid my head upon its pillow, so surely would i be wafted off into an ugly nightmare—she and i were separated—we had quarreled—she had ceased to love me. but now that my worst dream had been excelled by the reality, i began to have dreams of quite another sort. as soon as sleep closed upon me, the truth was annihilated, veronika came back. all night long we were supremely happy; we played and sang and talked together, just as we had been used to do. these dreams were astonishingly life-like. indeed, in the morning after one, i would wonder which was the very fact, the dream or the waking. my nightly dream got to be a goal to look forward to during the day. but as the summer deepened, i dreamed less and less frequently, and at length ceased altogether.
autumn returned, and winter; and my life did not vary. time was slow about healing my wounds, if time meant to heal them at all. but time did not mean to heal them at all, as ere long became apparent.
one afternoon in november, a month or so before the two years would have terminated, a young man entered the shop and ensconced himself at a table in the corner. having delivered his order and lighted a cigarette, he pulled out a yellow covered french book from the pocket of his coat, and speedily became immersed in its perusal. i don’t know what it was in the appearance of this young man that attracted my attention. almost from the moment of his advent my eyes kept going back to him. his own eyes being fastened upon his book, i could stare at him without giving offense. and stare at him i did to my heart’s content.
he was a tall young fellow and wore his hair a trifle longer than the fashion is. he was dressed rather carelessly; he knocked his cigarette ashes about so that they soiled his clothes. he had a dark skin, and, in singular contrast to it, a pair of large blue eyes. his forehead, nose, and chin were strongly modeled and expressed force of character without pretending to conventional beauty. he was not a handsome, but a distinguished looking man. the absence of beard and mustache lent him somewhat of the aspect of a catholic priest. his big blue eyes were full of good-nature and intelligence. he had a quick, energetic way of moving which announced plenty of dash within. he had entered the shop like a gust of wind, had shot across the floor and taken his seat at the table as if impelled by the force of gunpowder, and now he turned the pages of his book with the air of a man whose life depended upon what he was doing. no sooner had he consumed one of his cigarettes than he applied a match to its successor.
i stared at him mercilessly and wondered what manner of individual he was.
“he is not a business-man,” i said, “nor a lawyer nor a doctor: that is evident from his whole bearing; and besides, what would he be doing in a wine-shop at this hour of the afternoon? i don’t think he is a musician, either—he hasn’t the musician’s eyes or mouth. possibly he is a school-teacher, or it may be—yes, i should say most certainly, he is an artist of some sort, a painter or sculptor, or perhaps a writer.”
my speculations had proceeded thus far when in the quick, energetic way above alluded to the young man looked at his watch, slammed to his book, shoved back his chair, and commenced hammering upon the table with the bottom of his empty beer-mug.
“yes, sir,” i said, responding to his summons.
“check,” he demanded laconically.
i handed him his check. he thrust his fingers into his waistcoat-pocket for the money. they roamed about, apparently unrewarded.
a puzzled expression came upon his face. the fingers paused in their occupation; presently emerged and dived into another pocket and then into another. the puzzled expression deepened: at last changed its character, became an expression of intense annoyance. he knitted his brows and bit his lip. glancing up, he said, “this is really very awkward. i—i find i haven’t a sou about me. it’s—bother it all, i suppose you’ll take me for a beat. but—here, i can leave my watch.”
“oh, that’s entirely unnecessary,” i hastened to put in. “don’t let it distress you. tomorrow, or any other day you happen to be passing, will do as well.”
he looked at the same time surprised and relieved. “that’s not a conservative way of doing business,” he said. “how do you know i may not take advantage of you?”
“oh, i’m quite at rest about that. you need not be disturbed.”
“well, such faith in human nature is stimulating,” he answered. “i should hate to imperil it. so you may be sure i’ll turn up to-morrow. meanwhile i’m awfully obliged.”
thereat he went away.
i paid his reckoning from my own purse, and immediately fell again to wondering about him.
by and by it occurred to me, “why, that is the first human being who has taken you out of yourself for the last two years!” and thereupon i transferred my wonder to the interest he had managed to arouse in my own preoccupied mind. then gradually my thoughts flowed back into their customary channels.
but early the next day i caught myself asking, “will he return?” and devoutly hoping that he would. not on account of the money; i had no anxiety about the money. but somehow, self-centered as i was, i had felt drawn toward this blue-eyed young man, and anticipated seeing him again with an approach to genuine pleasure.
surely enough, in the course of the afternoon the door opened and he entered.
“ah,” he said, “you see, i am faithful to my trust. here is the lucre: count it and be satisfied that the sum is just. really,” he added, dropping the mock theatrical manner he had assumed, “really, it was frightfully embarrassing yesterday. but i’m a victim of absentmindedness, and in changing my clothes i had omitted to transfer my pocket-book from the one suit to the other. i can’t tell you how much indebted i am for your considerateness. i suppose you are overrun with dead-beats who play that dodge regularly—eh?”
i gave him the answer his question called for, served him with the drinkables he ordered, and stationed, myself at a respectful distance.
he lighted his inevitable cigarette and produced his book. he read and smoked for a few moments in silence. suddenly he flung the book angrily upon the table, pushed back his glass, and uttered an audible “confound it!”
i hastened forward to learn the subject of his discomposure and to supply what remedy i might.
“i beg your pardon,” i ventured, “is there any thing wrong with the wine?”
“eh—what?” he queried. “with the wine? any thing wrong? oh—i perceive. oh, no—the wine s all right. it’s this beastly pedantic author. he is describing the jewish ritual, and now just observe his idiocy. he goes on at a great rate about the beauty of a certain prayer—gets the reader’s curiosity all screwed up—and then—fancy his airs!—and then quotes the stuff in the original hebrew! it’s ridiculous. he doesn’t even condescend to affix a translation in a foot-note. look.”
he opened the book and pointed, with a finger dyed brown by tobacco-smoke, to the troublesome passage.
now i, having been brought up as an orthodox jew, had a smattering of hebrew, and at a glance i saw that i could easily translate the few sentences in question. so, impulsively and without stopping to reflect that my conduct might seem officious, i said, “if you would like, i think perhaps i may be able to aid you.”
“what!” he exclaimed, fixing a pair of wide open eyes upon my face.
“yes, i think i can translate it.”
“the deuce!” he cried. “i didn’t suspect you were a scholar. how in the name of goodness did you learn hebrew?”
“a scholar i am not, surely enough: but i am a jew, and like the rest of my faith i studied hebrew as a boy.”
“ah, i understand. well, fire away.”
i took the book and read the hebrew aloud. it was a prayer, which, when a child, i had known by heart. afterward i explained its sense while my friend jotted it down with a pencil upon the margin.
“thanks,” he was good enough to say. “i don’t know what i should have done without your help.—and so you are a jew? you don’t look it. you look like a full-blown teuton. but i congratulate you all the same.”
“congratulate me for looking like a teuton?” the shop being empty, there was no harm in my joining in conversation with a client. besides, i did not stop to think whether there was harm in it or not. i yielded to the attraction which this young man exerted over me.
“no—for belonging to the ancient and honorable race of jews,” he answered. “your ancestors were civilized and dwelt in cities and wrote poems, thousands of years ago: whereas mine at that epoch inhabited caves and dressed in bearskins and occasionally dined on a roasted neighbor. i should be proud of my lineage, were i a jew.”
“but it is the fashion for the gentiles to despise us.”
“oh, bosh! it is the fashion for a certain ignorant, stupid set of philistines to do so—but those who pretend to the least enlightenment, on the contrary, regard the jews as a most enviable people. they envy your history, they envy the success that waits upon your enterprises. for my part, i believe the whole future of america depends upon the jews.”
“indeed, how is that?”
“why, look here. what is the american people to-day? there is no american people—or rather there are twenty american peoples—the irish, the german, the jewish, the english, and the negro elements—all existing independently at the same time, and each as truly american as any of the others. good! but in the future, after emigration has ceased, these elements will begin to amalgamate. a single people of homogeneous blood will be the consequence. do you follow?”
“i think i follow. but the jews?”
“but the jews—precisely, the jews. it is the jewish element that is to leaven the whole lump—color the whole mixture. the english element alone is, so to speak, one portion of pure water; the german element, one portion of eau sucr茅e; now add the jewish—it is a dose of rich strong wine. it will give fire and flavor to the decoction. the future americans, thanks to the jew in them, will have passions, enthusiasms. they will paint great pictures, compose great music, write great poems, be capable of great heroism. have i said enough?”
the result was that we chatted together for half an hour with the freedom of old acquaintances. he quite made me forget that i was his servant for the time, and led me to speak out my mind with the unreserve of equal to equal. i enjoyed a peculiar sense of exhilaration that lasted even after he had gone away. in spite of myself i could not help relishing this contact with a superior man. again i fell to wondering about his occupation. i was more and more persuaded that he must be an artist of some sort, or a writer.
the next day he came again, and the next, and the next, and regularly every day at about the same hour for a fortnight. as surely as he seated himself at the corner table, so surely would he beckon to me and begin to talk. in these dialogues he afforded me no end of entertainment, touching in a racy way upon a score of topics. he had resided abroad for some years—seemed equally at home in paris, rome, and munich—and his anecdotes of foreign life were like glimpses into dream-land for me. he had the faculty of making me forget myself, and for that reason, if for no other, i should have valued his friendliness. our interviews occurred as bright spots in the sad gray monotone of my daily life.
