i walked along aimlessly, recounting all the happenings of the last few weeks. i was astonished at my own blank insensibility. “why, veronika, the veronika you loved, is dead, murdered,” i said to myself, “and you, you who loved her, have been in prison and on trial for the crime. they have outraged you. they have sworn falsely against you. and the very core of your life has been torn out. yet you—what has come over you? are you heartless, have you no capacity for grief or indignation? oris it that you are still half stunned? and that presently you will come to and begin to feel?” i strode on and on. it was broad day now. by and by i looked around.
i was in second avenue, near its southern extremity. i was standing in front of a large red brick house. a white placard nailed to the door caught my eye. “room to let,” it said in big black letters.
“room to let?” i repeated. “why, i am in need of a room.” and i entered the house and engaged the room. the landlady asked my name. i told her it was lexow, that having been the maiden-name of my mother. neuman had acquired too unpleasant a notoriety through the published accounts of the trial. as lexow i have been known ever since.
i employed an express agent to go to the tombs and bring back my luggage.
then i sat at my window and watched the people pass in the street. i sat there stockstill all day. i was aware of a vague feeling of wretchedness, of a vague craving for a relief which i could not name. as dusk gathered, a lump grew bigger and bigger in my throat. “i am beginning to be unhappy,” i thought. “it is high time.” my insensibility had frightened as well as puzzled me. instinctively, i knew it could not last forever, knew it for the calm that precedes the storm. i was anxious that the storm should break while i was still strong enough to cope with its fury. waiting weakened me. besides, i was ashamed of myself, hated myself as one shallow and disloyal. that i could be indifferent to veronika’s death! i, who had called myself her lover!
but now, as the lump grew in my throat, now, i thought, perhaps the hour has come. i sat still in my chair, fanning this forlorn spark of hope.
in the end, by imperceptible degrees, sleep stole upon me. it was natural. i had been up for more than six-and-thirty hours.
when i awoke a singular thing happened. memory played me a singular trick.
i awoke, conscious of a great luminous joy in my heart. it was full morning. “ah,” i thought, “how bright the sunshine is! how sweet the air! to-day i will go to veronika to-day, after my lessons—and spend the lest of the afternoon and the evening at her side!” my heart leaped at this prospect of happiness in store: and i commenced to plan the afternoon and evening in detail. at last i jumped up, eager to begin the delicious day.
the trick that memory played me was a simple one, after all. the recent past had simply for the moment been obliterated, and i transported back for a moment into the old time. as i stood now in the middle of the floor, my eye was struck by the strangeness of my surroundings.
“why, how is this?” i questioned. “where am i?”
for a trice i was bewildered, but only for a trice. the truth reasserted itself all at once—rose up and faced me with its grim, deathly visage, as if cleared by a stroke of lightning. all at once i remembered; and what is more, all at once the stupor that had hung like a cloud between me and the facts, rolled away. i looked at my world. it was dust and ashes, a waste space, peopled by ghosts. my heart recoiled, sickened, horrified; then began to throb with the pain that had been ripening in its womb ever since the morning when tikulski pointed to her, stretched murdered upon the bed.
well, at last the storm had broken; at last i realized. at last i could no longer reproach myself for a want of sensibility. at last i had my desire. i yielded myself to the enjoyment of it for the remainder of the day.
for weeks afterward i lay at the point of death. the slow convalescence that ensued afforded me plenty of time to examine my position from every point of view, and to get accustomed to understanding that the light had gone out of my sky. of course i hated the fate that condemned me to regain my health. the thought that i should have to drag out years and years of blank, aimless, joyless life, appalled me. the future was a night through which i should be compelled to toil with no hope of morning. strangely enough, the idea of suicide never once suggested itself.
when i was able to go out, i repaired to epstein’s office. several little matters remained to be settled with him. as i was about to leave, he said, “neuman, do you propose to take any steps toward finding the murderer?”
“toward finding the murderer? why, no; i had not thought of doing so.”
“but of course you will. you won’t allow the affair to rest in statu quo?”
“why not?”
“why, considering your relations to miss pathzuol, i should think your motive would be plain. don’t you want to see her murderer punished, her death atoned for?”
“her death atoned for! her death can never be atoned for. and the punishment of her murderer—would that restore her to me? would that undo the fact that she is dead? else, why should i bestir myself about it?”
“common human nature ought to be enough; the natural wish to square accounts with him.”
“do you fancy, epstein, that such an account as this can be squared? suppose we had him here now at our mercy, what could we do by way of squaring accounts? put him to death? would that square the account? to say so would be to compare his miserable life to hers.—but besides, he is not at our mercy. we have no clew to him.”
“yes, on the contrary, we have.”
“indeed? what is it?”
“why, the most apparent one. you are sure the marshalls lied?”
“oh yes; i am sure of that.”
“well, what earthly inducement could they have had for lying—for perjuring themselves, mind you, and running the risk of being caught and sent to prison—what earthly inducement, unless thereby they hoped to cover up their own guilt by throwing suspicion upon another man?”
“yes; that is so. i had not thought of that.”
“well, now, if you and i are sure that the marshalls participated in that crime, there is a solid starting-point. now, will you not join me and help to fasten the guilt upon them?”
“what good would it do? i say again, would that give her back to me?”
“but, my dear fellow, even if you have no desire to see the murderer punished, you must at least wish to retaliate upon the wretches who jeopardized your life by their false swearing, who sought to thrust upon your innocent shoulders the brunt of their own offending.”
“no; i confess, i have no such wish.”
“but—but you amaze me. have you not the ordinary instincts of a man?
“it is the business of the police, any how. let them move in the matter. you ought to understand that i am sick and tired, that all i wish for is to be left alone. no, no; if the marshalls should ever be brought to justice it will not be by my efforts. the police can manage it for themselves.”
“but there is just the point.” epstein hesitated; at length went on, “there is just the point i wanted to bring to your notice. it will be hard for you to hear, but you ought to understand—it is only right that i should tell you—that—that—why, hang it, the police will remain idle because they suppose they have already finished the business, already put their finger on the—the man.”
“well, why should they remain idle on that account? why don’t they arrest him and try him, as they did me, before a jury?”
“you don’t comprehend, neuman. the fact of the matter is—you must pardon me for saying so—the fact is, they still suspect you.”
“suspect me? what, after the very jury has acquitted me? i thought the verdict of the jury was conclusive.”
“so it is, in one sense. they can’t put you in jeopardy again. but this is the way they stand. they say, ‘we haven’t sufficient legal evidence to warrant a conviction, but we feel morally certain, all the same, and so there’s no use prying further.’ that is my reason for broaching the subject and for urging you so strongly. you ought to clear your character, vindicate your innocence, by proving to the police that they are wrong, that the guilt rests with their own witnesses, the marshalls.
“i thank you, epstein, for telling me this. i am glad to realize just what my status is. but let me cherish no misconception. is this theory of the police—is it held by others?”
“to be frank, i am afraid it is. the newspapers took it up and—and i’m afraid it s the opinion of the public generally.”
“then the verdict did not signify?”
“well, at least not so far as public opinion is concerned.”
“so that i am to rest under this stigma all my life?”
“why, no—not if you choose to exonerate yourself, as i have indicated.”
“oh, i don’t care about that. i don’t care to exonerate myself. what difference would it make? would it make the fact that she is lost to me forever one shade less true? only, it is well that i should have a clear understanding of my position, and i thank you for giving it to me.”
“you don’t mean to say that you are going to drop the case there?” epstein demanded. “i assure you, i never should have opened my mouth about it, had i foreseen this.”
“don’t reproach yourself. you have simply done your duty. it was my right to hear this from you.—yes, of course i shall drop the case. good-by.”
“you will think better of it; you will reconsider it; you will come back to-morrow in a wiser frame of mind. good-by.”
as i reentered my lodging-house the landlady met me; thrust an envelope into my hand; and vanished.
i was surprised to see that the envelope was addressed to “e. neuman, esquire.” it will be remembered that i had introduced myself as mr. lexow. i tore it open. it inclosed a memorandum of my arrears of rent and a notice to quit, the latter couched thus: “mr. neuman’s real name having been learned during his sickness, please move out as soon as you have paid up.”
i caught sight of myself in the glass. “so,” i said, “you are the person whom people suspect as a murderer! and it is thus that you are to be regarded all the rest of your life as one touched with the plague.”
i counted my ready money and paid the landlady her due.
“i am very sorry,” she began, “but the reputation of my house—but the other lodgers—but—”
“you needn’t apologize,” i interposed, and left the house.
it occurred to me that it would be necessary to find work whereby to earn my livelihood. i had quite forgotten that i was poor. what should i do?
the notion of giving music lessons again i could not entertain. music had become hateful to me. i could not touch my violin. i could not even unlock the case and look at the instrument. it was too closely associated with the cause of my sorrow. the mere memory of a strain of music, drifting through my mind, was enough to cut my heart like a knife. music was out of the question.
i had had a little money in the savings bank. with this sum i had intended to furnish the rooms which she and i were to have occupied! now it was all spent; three-quarters swallowed up by the expenses of my trial, the residue by the expenses of my illness and the landlady’s score for rent. i opened my purse. i had less than a dollar left. so it behooved me to lose no time. i must find a means of support at once.
but music apart, what remained?—my wits were sluggish. revolving the problem over and over as i walked along, they could arrive at no solution.
we were in december. the day was bitter cold. i had not proceeded a great distance before the cold began to tell upon me. “i must step in somewhere and warm myself,” i said. i was still feeble. i could not endure the stress of the weather as i might have done formerly. i made for the first shop i saw.
it was a wine-shop, kept by a german, as the name above the door denoted. i took a table near the stove and asked for a glass of wine. as my senses thawed, i became aware that a quarrel was going on in the room—angry voices penetrated my hearing.
the proprietor, a fat man in his shirt-sleeves, stood behind the bar. his face was very red! in his native tongue loudly and volubly he was berating one of his assistants—a waiter with a scared face.
“go, go at once. you are a rascal, a good-for-naught,” he was saying; “here is your money. clear out, before i hurt you.”
the culprit was nervously untying his apron strings. “yes, sir, at once, at once,” he stammered. in the end he put on his hat and accomplished a frightened exit. his confreres watched his decapitation with repressed sympathy.
after he had gone, the proprietor’s wrath began perceptibly to mitigate. he settled down in his chair. the tint of his skin gradually cooled. he lighted a cigar. he picked up a newspaper.
i had taken in these various proceedings mechanically, without bestowing upon them any special attention. but now an idea, prompted by them, began to fructify. by and by i approached the counter and ventured a timid, “i beg your pardon.”
the proprietor glanced up.
“i beg your pardon,” i continued in german, “but you have discharged a waiter!”
“well?” he responded.
“well, you will probably need somebody to take his place?”
“well? what of it?”
“i—i—that is, if you think i would do, i should like the employment.”
the proprietor looked thoughtful. he scratched his chin, puffed vigorously at his cigar, and asked my name. he shook his head when i confessed that i had had no experience of the business; but seemed impressed by my remark that on that account i would be willing to serve for smaller wages. he mentioned a stipend. it was ridiculously slender; but what cared i? it would keep body and soul together. i desired nothing more.
“what references can you give?” he inquired.
i mentioned epstein.
“all right,” he said. “you can go to work at once. to-morrow i will look up your reference. if it be satisfactory, i will keep you.”
the oberkellner provided me with an apron and a short alpaca jacket; and in this garb ernest neuman, musician, merged his identity, as he supposed for good and all, into that of ernest lexow, waiter.
