1
coming out on the street, swinging his stick, felix was vividly conscious of the outer world—it was as if the curtain had just risen upon a stage scene. the shapes of the trees in the distance had all the interest of a beautifully painted set—artificial, as scenery should be, not aping nature, but symbolizing it. the houses that stood beside the road were cardboard shapes that suggested great masses of brick and stone. and the way the night sky bent down at the street-end to touch the earth—that was marvelous.
the whole scene was refreshing. it had the beauty of something made to be looked at. it was as if the outer-world were no longer the unnoted background of a drama in which he was a baffled participant: he had stepped out of the play now, he was a spectator—he could look on and enjoy the spectacle.
there was a sense of vast release in his mind. the burden of emotion, of pain, of grief, of anger, the intolerable burden of human illusion, was lifted. his shoulders felt lighter, and he carried himself with a jaunty air.
a man passed him—no spectator like himself of this play, but a participant in it, a man to whom things really seemed to matter. with a tired droop of the head and shoulders, putting one foot mechanically before another, he was going home. two girls passed, eagerly talking to each other. none of them saw him, or the world through which they moved—they were busy acting their parts, too busy thinking about yesterday and tomorrow.
how good it was no longer to have a part to play—to be able to look on, full of curiosity! he was like a disembodied 364spirit that wanders freely upon the earth without a care. the world was beautiful. all the time that he had been worrying about other things, it had been beautiful—and he had been too passionately entangled in the coil of personal emotions to notice.... the crooked branch of an elm, from which all but a few leaves had fallen, drooping black against the luminous sky—the world had been full of such things all along, and he had never paused to look before.
it was pleasant to have a mind able to notice little things—like the fantastic shadow that danced along the sidewalk, growing shorter and longer and dodging about in front and behind—a mind that could dwell upon light things, instead of revolving eternally in some cycle of hope and fear. a leisurely, disinterested, curious mind!
as he walked, his thoughts touched lightly upon rose-ann—he had a fleeting memory-picture, uncoloured by any painful emotion, of her standing on the balcony of that house in woods point, about to jump off into the snow-bank; he sensed her as a creature possessed by some wish which she did not understand, driven on by it to delightful and absurd actions.... and clive, ironically officiating as host to a bridal pair in the house which he had built to shelter his own happiness.... and phyllis, holding clive perpetually at arm’s length, because he was not utterly a god.... and himself, strangest shape of all, taking the emotions of all these other characters seriously and trying to adjust his life to them! they were like people in a play, strange and foolish, beautiful and pitiful. he saw them all, he saw his own past self, with a delicate and appreciating exactitude.
but they did not matter—he could stop thinking of them, and look at the nimbus of light around the arc lamp on the corner. that was strange and beautiful, too.
to be a spectator of the spectacle of existence! at first that was enough. but presently he was aware of a vague desire for a fellow-spectator. the desire was faint, but faint as it was it moved his steps to the illinois central platform, and presently he emerged upon michigan avenue.
365
2
that evening in the artists’ theatre there was a rehearsal of several episodes from schnitzler’s “anatol,” which was to be the second bill of the season. at midnight elva macklin saw felix fay stroll in and listen to the jaded end of the rehearsal from the theatre’s one tiny and inconvenient box.
felix saw her, too, and realized by what instinctive wish he had been led, without conscious thought, to the artists’ theatre. he wanted her for his fellow-spectator of the spectacle of existence.
he saw her as if for the first time. he had never talked with her much; and he had been drunk, on dreams if not on whiskey, the time he had danced with her at the ball. she had been a sort of dream-figure to him, an out-of-the-world creature. he saw her now clearly enough—an intense young egotist in her every word and gesture; no dryad, but soulless enough for all her human nature—a girl who still kept the hardness of a child about her. she would never make a good actress, he reflected; she was too much herself; she was acting abominably her part in this schnitzler play, but with her own special charm, the charm that made her what she was. but she was not a person to pity. he liked her for that. he would talk to her.
a few moments later, as elva macklin was putting on her coat to go home, felix fay appeared at the door of the tiny women’s dressing room.
the others had gone, she was there alone.
“may i come in?” he asked.
“yes,” she said, “whoever you are ... and you may button my spats if you want to, felix fay. i’m too tired, and i was going off without them.”
she continued, as he knelt at her feet and twisted the reluctant buttons one by one into place, “i’ve done the circus girl for hours, over and over again. gregory doesn’t like the way i do it—and i don’t like the way 366jimmy taylor does anatol. neither does gregory, for that matter. everything’s gone wrong tonight.... gregory gets more and more napoleonic. he says, ‘stop! we’ll do that scene all over again!’ nothing about what’s the matter, or how it should be done—we just know that it doesn’t suit him, and so we do it differently. and usually worse. then he frowns; he bites his lip; he even stamps his foot: but even that doesn’t do much good!”
she put out her other foot. “jimmie’s really impossible as anatol. he looks all right—but he hasn’t any spirit. you just can’t imagine jimmie’s having six mistresses. he treats me as though i were his aunt.... gregory wants me to do the circus girl ‘simply’—whatever that means. i wish he would condescend to explain, instead of just looking haughty.... i’m awfully tired.... thanks. i don’t feel quite clothed without my spats.”
felix stood up. “let’s go somewhere and get something to eat,” he said.
“i’d like to,” she said. “i don’t want to go home. i’m too tired to sleep.” she buttoned her coat about her.
it was a boyish coat, and she wore it with a boyish air. there was something puck-like in her face, something impish, mischievous.
“have you a nickname?” he asked curiously.
“yes,” she said, startled. “why?”
“what is it?”
“bobby. again, why?”
he laughed.
“because i was going to give you one if you hadn’t. i was going to name you till eulenspiegel. but bobby will do very well. i shall call you that, if you don’t mind.”
“i don’t mind. but you may regret it.—who was till eulenspiegel?” she asked.
“a celebrated scamp.—why should i regret it?”
“we’ll have to number our questions and answers—we’re getting all mixed up. bobby is a celebrated scamp, too. you haven’t heard of her? when i’m elva i’m on my very best behaviour.”
367“then come as bobby, by all means!” he said.
“it’s only fair to warn you that you may not like her at all. some people don’t.”
“i’m sure i shall. come along!” he laughed.
“wait a moment. how much money have you got? when i’m bobby, i insist on paying my own way. but i’ve only carfare home tonight. so you’ll have to lend me some.”
he took out a roll of bills from his pocket, all that was left of the two weeks’ salary after paying for his apartment, and solemnly divided it.
she accepted the money, and then handed it back. “no, i feel like being recklessly dependent tonight. i’ll let you buy my dinner.... one moment—i have to turn the lights out. go ahead, i can find my way out in the dark.”
she joined him in the hall a moment later. “the elevator’s stopped running,” she said, “we’ll have to walk down.”
half way down she stopped. “let’s rest and smoke a cigarette.”
she lighted her cigarette at his match, and then asked, “what brings you here tonight?”
“idle curiosity,” he said.
she puffed on her cigarette and scrutinized his face by the glow it made in the dark.
“something’s happened to you,” she said.
“right,” he answered cheerfully.
“want to tell me your troubles?” she asked indifferently.
“no,” he said. “i haven’t any troubles. i’ve ceased to have them. that’s what’s happened to me.”
she laughed lightly. “so that’s it. well, i’m glad you don’t want sympathy. i was afraid you might.”
“you misjudged me,” he said. “besides, if i had wanted sympathy, would i have come to you?”
“no, i guess you do know me better than that.... well, what do you want of me?”
“nothing in particular of you,” he said. “i just want somebody to bum around with tonight.”
368she puffed on her cigarette again. “you don’t look at all broken-hearted,” she said.
“why should i look broken-hearted?”
“i hear all the theatre-gossip. i suppose it’s true?”
“well, i don’t hear the theatre-gossip, so i don’t know whether it’s true or not. why should you care?”
“i don’t care. i’m just curious. you know, you’ve been looking worried and unhappy ever since i first saw you—until now. at first i thought you were worried about the play; but when it was a success you looked more unhappy than ever. and now—well, the transformation is astonishing!”
“i can explain that.... you probably have in your rooms—”
“my room,” she corrected him. “a quite singular room, in every sense.”
“in your room, then, you probably have five or six copies of the rubaiyat, presented you by different youths....”
“yes, all with a pencil mark beside the ‘book of verses’ verse. go on.”
“well, in that poem omar boasts of ‘striking from the calendar unborn tomorrow and dead yesterday.’ i’ve just performed that same astronomical feat.”
“i know just what you mean,” she said. “it’s—it’s like getting over a headache, isn’t it?... i’m glad.... well, let’s go on.”
she jumped up.
out in the street he asked her, “how do you come to know so much about it? when did you perform omar’s astronomical feat?”
she laughed.
“i? oh, fully twenty years ago—at the age of five!... you see, up to that time i had been the only child—the reigning princess, in fact. and then a little brother came along. people laugh about these things—but i don’t think anything in later life can hurt worse than a childish tragedy like that. to be considered the most wonderful 369being in all the world, and then—pushed out of the way.... well, i saw that my reign was ended, that human beings were fickle, and that my heart would be broken if i kept on caring. so i stopped—and i’ve never cared since. not for a single other living thing in all the world.”
“i see you are a person of great experience in—not caring. twenty years of it! tell me, how does it work out?”
she stopped suddenly, pulling at his sleeve. “look!” she said with apparent irrelevance.
he looked in the direction of her upward glance, and saw outlined against the sky a curious accidental roof-line made by the juxtaposition of two buildings. it was nothing—and it had the pure beauty of a design by hiroshige.
“yes,” he said, gazing at it. an accidental scrap of beauty, unseen by millions of passing eyes, and only revealed, it seemed, to such people as themselves! he gazed, and the knowledge that she too saw it, that her world was full of such moments, and that they could share them together, satisfied his need of companionship. he pressed her arm closer to his side.
they resumed their walk. “you can’t see things like that if you care about people,” she said. “and that’s how it works out.... but it’s nice to know some one else like that. only—i don’t think this will last, with you....”
“why?” he demanded.
“i don’t know.”
“so you believe i’ll go back to caring—to being human, as they call it—to having remorse about the past and worries about the future, to being all tangled up in unhappiness again!” he said incredulously.
she laughed, and sang, in a low voice, close to his ear, the lines of a song that went to an old ballad measure:
“oh, the briary-bush,
that pricks my heart so sore!
if i ever get out of the briary-bush
i’ll never get in any more!”
370“you think you won’t, felix, but you will! people do go back to the briary-bush. you have to learn early, to stay out.... but i’m glad you came to see me while you’re in this mood. you know, you may get over it in an hour or two!”
“wait and see!”
