1
for some hours after sending his reply to rose-ann, felix kept his mind steeled against any realization of its consequences. he was in a peculiar state of righteousness—like one who has struck a fatal blow and keeps insisting that he has been struck first. to him, his letter to rose-ann appeared but the reflex of her own—and she, as it were, the author of both letters. yes, the crime was hers!
but just what this crime was, he still managed to keep from realizing—even when, after mailing his letter and sitting for an hour in a kind of stupour at his desk, he rose, took a book from the shelf, and went away to find a room. the book was “the bab ballads.”
he took the illinois central in, and a north side elevated train out again, as though seeking to be as far as possible from the studio. he got off, at a venture, at wilson avenue, and within an hour found a small apartment of two rooms and bath, furnished “for light-housekeeping,” situated over a coffee-and-tea store, three flights up. it had a fairly large sitting room at the front. he noticed a small book case filled with sets of “the ivanhoe novels” and “the complete works of bulwer-lytton.” felix told the fat middle-aged woman from the store who showed it to him that he would want the bookcase for books of his own, but not immediately; he remarked that he would probably buy some of her coffee in the morning to make his breakfast on; and assured her that he would not set the hot cup on the bare table-top, which she said was real mahogany and had been left her by a deceased roomer whom she had looked 354after when he was sick. when she had gone, leaving him the keys, felix put the bab ballads in between the waverly novels and the complete works of bulwer-lytton, and sat down in an old plush-upholstered chair, to make himself at home.
in a few minutes there was a knock—it was the fat woman from the store, who had brought him up a pound of her best coffee.
“not that i want to bother you,” she said. “you needn’t be afraid i’ll be knocking at your door and keeping watch of your comings and goings—live and let live, is what i say. but i knew from the way you spoke of coffee that you really liked it, and i just thought i’d bring you some for your breakfast. a man that makes his own coffee knows what coffee is—isn’t that so!”
he thanked her, and sat down to look out of the window. the interest of the room itself had been exhausted; it was empty equally of memories and of hopes; it was just so many dismal square feet of space. he had uprooted himself from the place in which he had lived for months that were like years, and years that were like lifetimes; he had lived in that studio—really lived in it; he was living there now, in his thoughts; it would take longer to uproot his mind from that place than it had his body. and yet—he could foresee the time, incredible though it was, when that studio life with rose-ann would be only a memory, a part of his past ... like his life with his iowa sweetheart during their brief idyl, years ago. yes, the time would come when all this, that was now so warm and near, would be dim and remote; a time when it would no longer hurt him to think about it all....
as he sat there facing the window, looking out unseeingly at the lighted facade of the building opposite, the strains of dance music reached him, and he saw couples float past the windows of the hall on the floor opposite his own. he watched and listened with a kind of dull fascination, for a long time.... he was very tired. he thought of going to bed. but that music from across the street would never 355stop—it would keep on with its silly gaiety hour after hour.
he rose at last and went out. he was going to his work-room. he could spend several hours cleaning up there—destroying manuscripts he didn’t want to keep, reducing the amount of things to be moved to a minimum.
phyllis might be in her room.... he thought of her there, and the thought comforted him. he saw her again, in his thoughts, as he had seen her first—serene and kind and strong. it was good to think of her.
still his mind did not quite encompass the situation. it was as though something had happened to him—something stupendous, terrible, and almost unbearable, like the death of a beloved friend—something not wholly to be realized. and it had the resistlessness of some such event; he did not conceive it as something within his power to alter or prevent—nor in any sense as something which he had done himself. if he had thought of himself as having done this thing, he might have thought of undoing it. but it was a thing which had happened, like an earthquake....
in his room he gathered up fragments of manuscript—jottings of ideas, efforts, experiments, unfinished things—and tore them up after a casual glance. there would be little to take with him. that was good.... he had the feeling that a new life had begun for him, a life at which he still stared in vague bewilderment, like a creature painfully new-born into an uncomprehended world.
2
he could hear phyllis moving about on the other side of the partition. he finished his work; the wastebasket was full of torn manuscript, and his roget’s thesaurus and his favourite penholder lay together on the table, ready to take to his new home. he no longer had need of a work-room, a special refuge from the distracting intimacies of marriage. he was free from all that. yes—think of that—free!... he laughed out loud.
presently phyllis would come and knock on his door. she had heard him enter, she knew he was there. he 356wanted to see her, he wanted the comfort of her eyes, her hands. he wanted her serenity, her kindness, her strength. but he lacked even the energy to ask for it. he could only sit and wait until she came to him.
he felt as though the last strength he possessed were being used up in some terrific effort—an effort that would cease when she came. then it would make no difference that he had no strength left—her courage and kindness would sustain him.
the impossible had happened—yes, the impossible. for it was unthinkable that rose-ann should have destroyed their marriage. but she had.... and now in this strange world there was only one certainty left—phyllis’s eyes, her arms, her understanding love. here was reality, here firm ground amidst a reeling chaos of fantastic madness.... phyllis!
he could hear, as in a dream, the bubbling of coffee, could taste the fragrance of its odour stealing through the door.... presently, very soon, she would come....
he heard her knock, and he thought he answered, but it seemed not, for she knocked again, and then opened the door. he sat there limply in his chair, glad she had come.
“did i disturb you?” she asked.
he shook his head.
“you’re tired!” she said, and came quickly to him and put her hand on his forehead. “i’ve made some coffee,” she said. “it will be good for you.”
“yes,” he said, and rose.
she led the way into her room, and pointed to the couch. “lie down and rest,” she said. “i’ll give you your coffee in a moment.”
she busied herself with cups and saucers, and he watched her from the couch. she came toward him, a cup of coffee in her hand, her arm bare to the elbow, and above it her eyes shining under a tangle of soft brown hair.
“here!” she said.
when he made no effort to take the cup, she set it down on the stool beside the bed. he took her hand, and drew 357her toward him. she yielded to his gesture and sat down beside him on the couch, looking at him with a kind of startled amusement as he took her arm and pressed his cheek against it.
“you’re very tired, aren’t you?” she said sympathetically, and touched his shoulder with her other hand.
he clung to her arm. it was cool against his cheek. all the beauty, all the peace, all the rest in the world seemed to be in that cool white flesh. was it because it was hers—or because it was a girl’s arm, promising rest and comfort? he did not know. he only clung to it.
“is it your work—are you having difficulties?” she asked.
he laughed. his work!
that laugh seemed to reassure her in some way. she smiled down at him, bent over him, her hair blinded him, and then her lips brushed his.
“dear!” she said.
he held her close to him, and their lips met—hungrily, thirstily. at first all her body relaxed into the embrace, and it seemed to him that the peace he needed flowed into him from her kiss, from her arms, her body—rest, the infinite sweetness of rest.... and then she seemed to grow frightened. she held herself away from him, she looked at him questioningly.
but, again reassured, she bent again, and surrendered herself to the embrace. but something in the exigence of his mood came to her even in this surrender, and once more, suddenly and coolly, she drew herself away.
“what is the matter?” she demanded, looking at him with alien eyes. she bent, not tenderly, and took his shoulder, as if to shake his secret out of him.
“the matter is,” said felix, “that my marriage has gone to hell.”
3
“what!” the exclamation came in a tone of utter incredulous astonishment from the girl at his side, who sat there, rigid, as though frozen by that news.
358“yes, i tell you!” he cried. “we’ve—busted up everything—for good and all.”
and feeling himself uncontrollably about to cry, he turned his face against the couch, and lay shaken with convulsive strangling sobs.
the girl sprang up, and looked down at him. she had never seen him cry. she had not known that he could cry. as a matter of fact, he had not cried very many times in his life, and he did not know how, and did it badly.
he looked up at last, brushing his eyes with his coatsleeve. he wanted her pity.
he saw her looking at him with haughty anger. her whole gesture was one of outrage. when she saw him look up, she clenched her fists, and said,
“you never told me—”
“never told you?” his anger burst out against her, anger mixed with self-pity. “what did you expect?”
she turned half away from him in disdain.
“not this!” she said.
“no!” he said, sitting up. “no, you little idiot, i suppose you didn’t.... and i didn’t either. well—you see.”
she looked back over her shoulder with repugnance, as if she were looking at something sick, wounded, or diseased.
“yes,” she said doubtfully, “i see....”
she turned back to him, her hostility gone, and a mournful look in her eyes.
“i never supposed,” she said haltingly, “that you—”
she paused, and then went on,
“—you too—”
under her glance he straightened up, ashamed of himself. he rose. he must, he supposed, have looked silly....
“i’m sorry,” he said.
“i’m sorry too—felix,” she answered, and there was in her tone the quality of a farewell.
there was something bracing at this moment in her scornful silence as she let him walk out of the room.... he went to the bathroom and washed his face; looked at himself in the mirror: was the face he saw there the one that 359had been twisted in grotesque sobbing a few minutes ago? no one would have guessed it.... he looked hard at that face, for some sign of weakness. but it seemed to him that the weakness had been burned out of it by the fire of a girl’s scorn. it was a face indifferent and aloof from sorrow, with amused eyes and jauntily smiling mouth. yes, that was felix fay as he should be.
he went back to his room, tossed his roget’s thesaurus and his favourite penholder into the wastebasket with the torn manuscripts, put on his hat—and then noticed his stick in the corner.
he picked it up, hung it over his arm, turned out the gas, and went out whistling.
