i found myself standing on my feet, with the tingling sensation of having come down rapidly upon the ground from a height. there was a similar feeling in my head, as of the whirling and sickening sensation of passing downward through the air, like the description dante gives of his descent upon geryon. my mind, curiously enough, was sufficiently disengaged to think of that, or at least to allow swift passage for the recollection through my thoughts. all the aching of wonder, doubt, and fear which i had been conscious of a little while before was gone. there {2}was no distinct interval between the one condition and the other, nor in my fall (as i supposed it must have been) had i any consciousness of change. there was the whirling of the air, resisting my passage, yet giving way under me in giddy circles, and then the sharp shock of once more feeling under my feet something solid, which struck yet sustained. after a little while the giddiness above and the tingling below passed away, and i felt able to look about me and discern where i was. but not all at once: the things immediately about me impressed me first—then the general aspect of the new place.

first of all the light, which was lurid, as if a thunderstorm were coming on. i looked up involuntarily to see if it had begun to rain; but there was nothing of the kind, though what i saw above me was a lowering canopy of cloud, dark, threatening, with a faint reddish tint diffused upon the vaporous darkness. it was, however, quite sufficiently clear to {3}see everything, and there was a good deal to see. i was in a street of what seemed a great and very populous place. there were shops on either side, full apparently of all sorts of costly wares. there was a continual current of passengers up and down on both sides of the way, and in the middle of the street carriages of every description, humble and splendid. the noise was great and ceaseless, the traffic continual. some of the shops were most brilliantly lighted, attracting one’s eyes in the sombre light outside, which, however, had just enough of day in it to make these spots of illumination look sickly; most of the places thus distinguished were apparently bright with the electric or some other scientific light; and delicate machines of every description, brought to the greatest perfection, were in some windows, as were also many fine productions of art, but mingled with the gaudiest and coarsest in a way which struck me with astonishment. i was also much surprised by the fact that the traffic, which was never stilled for a moment,{4} seemed to have no sort of regulation. some carriages dashed along, upsetting the smaller vehicles in their way, without the least restraint or order, either, as it seemed, from their own good sense, or from the laws and customs of the place. when an accident happened, there was a great shouting, and sometimes a furious encounter—but nobody seemed to interfere. this was the first impression made upon me. the passengers on the pavement were equally regardless. i was myself pushed out of the way, first to one side, then to another, hustled when i paused for a moment, trodden upon and driven about. i retreated soon to the doorway of a shop, from whence with a little more safety i could see what was going on. the noise made my head ring. it seemed to me that i could not hear myself think. if this were to go on for ever, i said to myself, i should soon go mad.

‘oh no,’ said some one behind me, ‘not at all; you will get used to it; you will be{5} glad of it. one does not want to hear one’s thoughts; most of them are not worth hearing.’

i turned round and saw it was the master of the shop, who had come to the door on seeing me. he had the usual smile of a man who hoped to sell his wares; but to my horror and astonishment, by some process which i could not understand, i saw that he was saying to himself, ‘what a d—— d fool! here’s another of those cursed wretches, d—— him!’ all with the same smile. i started back, and answered him as hotly, ‘what do you mean by calling me a d——d fool?—fool yourself, and all the rest of it. is this the way you receive strangers here?’

‘yes,’ he said, with the same smile, ‘this is the way; and i only describe you as you are, as you will soon see. will you walk in and look over my shop? perhaps you will find something to suit you if you are just setting up, as i suppose.’

i looked at him closely, but this time i{6} could not see that he was saying anything beyond what was expressed by his lips, and i followed him into the shop, principally because it was quieter than the street, and without any intention of buying—for what should i buy in a strange place where i had no settled habitation, and which probably i was only passing through?

‘i will look at your things,’ i said, in a way which i believe i had, of perhaps undue pretension. i had never been over-rich, or of very elevated station; but i was believed by my friends (or enemies) to have an inclination to make myself out something more important than i was. ‘i will look at your things, and possibly i may find something that may suit me; but with all the ateliers of paris and london to draw from, it is scarcely to be expected that in a place like this——’

here i stopped to draw my breath, with a good deal of confusion; for i was unwilling to let him see that i did not know where i was.{7}

‘a place like this,’ said the shopkeeper, with a little laugh which seemed to me full of mockery, ‘will supply you better, you will find, than—any other place. at least you will find it the only place practicable,’ he added. ‘i perceive you are a stranger here.’

‘well—i may allow myself to be so—more or less. i have not had time to form much acquaintance with—the place: what—do you call the place?—its formal name, i mean,’ i said, with a great desire to keep up the air of superior information. except for the first moment i had not experienced that strange power of looking into the man below the surface which had frightened me. now there occurred another gleam of insight, which gave me once more a sensation of alarm. i seemed to see a light of hatred and contempt below his smile, and i felt that he was not in the least taken in by the air which i assumed.

‘the name of the place,’ he said, ‘is not{8} a pretty one. i hear the gentlemen who come to my shop say that it is not to be named to ears polite; and i am sure your ears are very polite.’ he said this with the most offensive laugh, and i turned upon him and answered him, without mincing matters, with a plainness of speech which startled myself, but did not seem to move him, for he only laughed again. ‘are you not afraid,’ i said, ‘that i will leave your shop and never enter it more?’

‘oh, it helps to pass the time,’ he said; and without any further comment began to show me very elaborate and fine articles of furniture. i had always been attracted to this sort of thing, and had longed to buy such articles for my house when i had one, but never had it in my power. now i had no house, nor any means of paying so far as i knew, but i felt quite at my ease about buying, and inquired into the prices with the greatest composure.

‘they are just the sort of thing i want.{9} i will take these, i think; but you must set them aside for me, for i do not at the present moment exactly know——’

‘you mean you have got no rooms to put them in,’ said the master of the shop. ‘you must get a house directly, that’s all. if you’re only up to it, it is easy enough. look about until you find something you like, and then—take possession.’

‘take possession’—i was so much surprised that i stared at him with mingled indignation and surprise—‘of what belongs to another man?’ i said.

i was not conscious of anything ridiculous in my look. i was indignant, which is not a state of mind in which there is any absurdity; but the shopkeeper suddenly burst into a storm of laughter. he laughed till he seemed almost to fall into convulsions, with a harsh mirth which reminded me of the old image of the crackling of thorns, and had neither amusement nor warmth in it; and presently this was echoed all around, and looking up, i saw{10} grinning faces full of derision, bent upon me from every side, from the stairs which led to the upper part of the house and from the depths of the shop behind—faces with pens behind their ears, faces in workmen’s caps, all distended from ear to ear, with a sneer and a mock and a rage of laughter which nearly sent me mad. i hurled i don’t know what imprecations at them as i rushed out, stopping my ears in a paroxysm of fury and mortification. my mind was so distracted by this occurrence that i rushed without knowing it upon some one who was passing, and threw him down with the violence of my exit; upon which i was set on by a party of half a dozen ruffians, apparently his companions, who would, i thought, kill me, but who only flung me, wounded, bleeding, and feeling as if every bone in my body had been broken, down on the pavement—when they went away, laughing too.

i picked myself up from the edge of the{11} causeway, aching and sore from head to foot, scarcely able to move, yet conscious that if i did not get myself out of the way one or other of the vehicles which were dashing along would run over me. it would be impossible to describe the miserable sensations, both of body and mind, with which i dragged myself across the crowded pavement, not without curses and even kicks from the passers-by; and, avoiding the shop from which i still heard those shrieks of devilish laughter, gathered myself up in the shelter of a little projection of a wall, where i was for the moment safe. the pain which i felt was as nothing to the sense of humiliation, the mortification, the rage with which i was possessed. there is nothing in existence more dreadful than rage which is impotent, which cannot punish or avenge, which has to restrain itself and put up with insults showered upon it. i had never known before what that helpless, hideous exasperation was; and i was humiliated{12} beyond description, brought down—i, whose inclination it was to make more of myself than was justifiable—to the aspect of a miserable ruffian beaten in a brawl, soiled, covered with mud and dust, my clothes torn, my face bruised and disfigured: all this within half an hour or thereabout of my arrival in a strange place where nobody knew me or could do me justice! i kept looking out feverishly for some one with an air of authority to whom i could appeal. sooner or later somebody must go by, who, seeing me in such a plight, must inquire how it came about, must help me and vindicate me. i sat there for i cannot tell how long, expecting every moment that, were it but a policeman, somebody would notice and help me. but no one came. crowds seemed to sweep by without a pause—all hurrying, restless: some with anxious faces, as if any delay would be mortal; some in noisy groups intercepting the passage of the others. sometimes one{13} would pause to point me out to his comrades, with a shout of derision at my miserable plight; or if by a change of posture i got outside the protection of my wall, would kick me back with a coarse injunction to keep out of the way. no one was sorry for me—not a look of compassion, not a word of inquiry was wasted upon me; no representative of authority appeared. i saw a dozen quarrels while i lay there, cries of the weak, and triumphant shouts of the strong; but that was all.

i was drawn after a while from the fierce and burning sense of my own grievances by a querulous voice quite close to me. ‘this is my corner,’ it said. ‘i’ve sat here for years, and i have a right to it. and here you come, you big ruffian, because you know i haven’t got the strength to push you away.’

‘who are you?’ i said, turning round horror-stricken; for close beside me was a miserable man, apparently in the last stage of disease. he was pale as death, yet{14} eaten up with sores. his body was agitated by a nervous trembling. he seemed to shuffle along on hands and feet, as though the ordinary mode of locomotion was impossible to him, and yet was in possession of all his limbs. pain was written in his face. i drew away to leave him room, with mingled pity and horror that this poor wretch should be the partner of the only shelter i could find within so short a time of my arrival. i who—— it was horrible, shameful, humiliating; and yet the suffering in his wretched face was so evident that i could not but feel a pang of pity too. ‘i have nowhere to go,’ i said. ‘i am—a stranger. i have been badly used, and nobody seems to care.’

‘no,’ he said; ‘nobody cares—don’t you look for that. why should they? why, you look as if you were sorry for me! what a joke!’ he murmured to himself—‘what a joke! sorry for some one else! what a fool the fellow must be!{15}’

‘you look,’ i said, ‘as if you were suffering horribly; and you say you have come here for years.’

‘suffering! i should think i was,’ said the sick man; ‘but what is that to you? yes; i’ve been here for years—oh, years!—that means nothing,—for longer than can be counted. suffering is not the word—it’s torture—it’s agony. but who cares? take your leg out of my way.’

i drew myself out of his way from a sort of habit, though against my will, and asked, from habit too, ‘are you never any better than now?’

he looked at me more closely, and an air of astonishment came over his face. ‘what d’ye want here,’ he said, ‘pitying a man! that’s something new here. no; i’m not always so bad, if you want to know. i get better, and then i go and do what makes me bad again, and that’s how it will go {16}on; and i choose it to be so, and you needn’t bring any of your d——d pity here.’

‘i may ask, at least, why aren’t you looked after? why don’t you get into some hospital?’ i said.

‘hospital!’ cried the sick man, and then he too burst out into that furious laugh, the most awful sound i ever had heard. some of the passers-by stopped to hear what the joke was, and surrounded me with once more a circle of mockers. ‘hospitals! perhaps you would like a whole red cross society, with ambulances and all arranged?’ cried one. ‘or the misericordia!’ shouted another. i sprang up to my feet, crying, ‘why not?’ with an impulse of rage which gave me strength. was i never to meet with anything but this fiendish laughter? ‘there’s some authority, i suppose,’ i cried in my fury. ‘it is not the rabble that is the only master here, i hope.’ but nobody took the least trouble to hear what i had to say for myself. the last speaker struck me on the mouth, and called me an accursed fool for talking of what i did not{17} understand; and finally they all swept on and passed away.

i had been, as i thought, severely injured when i dragged myself into that corner to save myself from the crowd; but i sprang up now as if nothing had happened to me. my wounds had disappeared, my bruises were gone. i was, as i had been when i dropped, giddy and amazed, upon the same pavement, how long—an hour?—before? it might have been an hour, it might have been a year, i cannot tell. the light was the same as ever, the thunderous atmosphere unchanged. day, if it was day, had made no progress; night, if it was evening, had come no nearer: all was the same.

as i went on again presently, with a vexed and angry spirit, regarding on every side around me the endless surging of the crowd, and feeling a loneliness, a sense of total abandonment and solitude, which i cannot describe, there came up to me a man of remarkable appearance. that he was{18} a person of importance, of great knowledge and information, could not be doubted. he was very pale, and of a worn but commanding aspect. the lines of his face were deeply drawn, his eyes were sunk under high arched brows, from which they looked out as from caves, full of a fiery impatient light. his thin lips were never quite without a smile; but it was not a smile in which any pleasure was. he walked slowly, not hurrying, like most of the passengers. he had a reflective look, as if pondering many things. he came up to me suddenly, without introduction or preliminary, and took me by the arm. ‘what object had you in talking of these antiquated institutions?’ he said.

and i saw in his mind the gleam of the thought, which seemed to be the first with all, that i was a fool, and that it was the natural thing to wish me harm,—just as in the earth above it was the natural thing, professed at least, to wish well—to say,{19} good morning, good day, by habit and without thought. in this strange country the stranger was received with a curse, and it woke an answer not unlike the hasty ‘curse you, then, also!’ which seemed to come without any will of mine through my mind. but this provoked only a smile from my new friend. he took no notice. he was disposed to examine me—to find some amusement perhaps—how could i tell?—in what i might say.

‘what antiquated things?’

‘are you still so slow of understanding? what were they? hospitals: the pretences of a world that can still deceive itself. did you expect to find them here?’

‘i expected to find—how should i know?’ i said, bewildered—‘some shelter for a poor wretch where he could be cared for—not to be left there to die in the street. expected! i never thought. i took it for granted——’

‘to die in the street!’ he cried, with a smile, and a shrug of his shoulders. ‘you’ll{20} learn better by and by. and if he did die in the street, what then? what is that to you?’

‘to me!’ i turned and looked at him amazed; but he had somehow shut his soul, so that i could see nothing but the deep eyes in their caves, and the smile upon the close-shut mouth. ‘no more to me than to any one. i only spoke for humanity’s sake, as—a fellow-creature.’

my new acquaintance gave way to a silent laugh within himself, which was not so offensive as the loud laugh of the crowd, but yet was more exasperating than words can say. ‘you think that matters? but it does not hurt you that he should be in pain. it would do you no good if he were to get well. why should you trouble yourself one way or the other? let him die—if he can—— that makes no difference to you or me.’

‘i must be dull indeed,’ i cried,—‘slow of understanding, as you say. this is going back to the ideas of times{21} beyond knowledge—before christianity——’ as soon as i had said this i felt somehow—i could not tell how—as if my voice jarred, as if something false and unnatural was in what i said. my companion gave my arm a twist as if with a shock of surprise, then laughed in his inward way again.

‘we don’t think much of that here; nor of your modern pretences in general. the only thing that touches you and me is what hurts or helps ourselves. to be sure, it all comes to the same thing—for i suppose it annoys you to see that wretch writhing: it hurts your more delicate, highly-cultivated consciousness.’

‘it has nothing to do with my consciousness,’ i cried, angrily; ‘it is a shame to let a fellow-creature suffer if we can prevent it.’

‘why shouldn’t he suffer?’ said my companion. we passed as he spoke some other squalid wretched creatures shuffling among the crowd, whom he{22} kicked with his foot, calling forth a yell of pain and curses. this he regarded with a supreme contemptuous calm which stupefied me. nor did any of the passers-by show the slightest inclination to take the part of the sufferers. they laughed, or shouted out a gibe, or, what was still more wonderful, went on with a complete unaffected indifference, as if all this was natural. i tried to disengage my arm in horror and dismay, but he held me fast, with a pressure that hurt me. ‘that’s the question,’ he said. ‘what have we to do with it? your fictitious consciousness makes it painful to you. to me, on the contrary, who take the view of nature, it is a pleasurable feeling. it enhances the amount of ease, whatever that may be, which i enjoy. i am in no pain. that brute who is’—and he flicked with a stick he carried the uncovered wound of a wretch upon the roadside—‘makes me more satisfied with my condition. ah!{23} you think it is i who am the brute? you will change your mind by and by.’

‘never!’ i cried, wrenching my arm from his with an effort, ‘if i should live a hundred years.’

‘a hundred years—a drop in the bucket!’ he said, with his silent laugh. ‘you will live for ever, and you will come to my view; and we shall meet in the course of ages, from time to time, to compare notes. i would say good-bye after the old fashion, but you are but newly arrived, and i will not treat you so badly as that.’ with which he parted from me, waving his hand, with his everlasting horrible smile.

‘good-bye!’ i said to myself, ‘good-bye—why should it be treating me badly to say good-bye——’

i was startled by a buffet on the mouth. ‘take that!’ cried some one, ‘to teach you how to wish the worst of tortures to people who have done you no harm.’

‘what have i said? i meant no harm{24} i repeated only what is the commonest civility, the merest good manners.’

‘you wished,’ said the man who had struck me,—‘i won’t repeat the words: to me, for it was i only that heard them, the awful company that hurts most—that sets everything before us, both past and to come, and cuts like a sword and burns like fire. i’ll say it to yourself, and see how it feels. god be with you! there! it is said, and we all must bear it, thanks, you fool and accursed, to you.’

and then there came a pause over all the place—an awful stillness—hundreds of men and women standing clutching with desperate movements at their hearts as if to tear them out, moving their heads as if to dash them against the wall, wringing their hands, with a look upon all their convulsed faces which i can never forget. they all turned to me, cursing me, with those horrible eyes of anguish. and everything was still{25}—the noise all stopped for a moment—the air all silent, with a silence that could be felt. and then suddenly out of the crowd there came a great piercing cry; and everything began again exactly as before.

while this pause occurred, and while i stood wondering, bewildered, understanding nothing, there came over me a darkness, a blackness, a sense of misery such as never in all my life, though i have known troubles enough, i had felt before. all that had happened to me throughout my existence seemed to rise pale and terrible in a hundred scenes before me, all momentary, intense, as if each was the present moment. and in each of these scenes i saw what i had never seen before. i saw where i had taken the wrong instead of the right step—in what wantonness, with what self-will it had been done; how god (i shuddered at the name) had spoken and called me, and even entreated, and{26} i had withstood and refused. all the evil i had done came back, and spread itself out before my eyes; and i loathed it, yet knew that i had chosen it, and that it would be with me for ever. i saw it all in the twinkling of an eye, in a moment, while i stood there, and all men with me, in the horror of awful thought. then it ceased as it had come, instantaneously, and the noise and the laughter, and the quarrels and cries, and all the commotion of this new bewildering place, in a moment began again. i had seen no one while this strange paroxysm lasted. when it disappeared, i came to myself emerging as from a dream, and looked into the face of the man whose words, not careless like mine, had brought it upon us. our eyes met, and his were surrounded by curves and lines of anguish which were terrible to see.

‘well,’ he said, with a short laugh, which was forced and harsh, ‘how do {27}you like it? that is what happens when—— if it came often, who could endure it?’ he was not like the rest. there was no sneer upon his face, no gibe at my simplicity. even now, when all had recovered, he was still quivering with something that looked like a nobler pain. his face was very grave, the lines deeply drawn in it, and he seemed to be seeking no amusement or distraction, nor to take any part in the noise and tumult which was going on around.

‘do you know what that cry meant?’ he said. ‘did you hear that cry? it was some one who saw—even here once in a long time, they say, it can be seen——’

‘what can be seen?’

he shook his head, looking at me with a meaning which i could not interpret. it was beyond the range of my thoughts. i came to know after, or i never could have made this record. but on that subject he said no more. he turned the way i was going, though it mattered nothing what way i went, for all were the{28} same to me. ‘you are one of the new-comers?’ he said; ‘you have not been long here——’

‘tell me,’ i cried, ‘what you mean by here. where are we? how can one tell who has fallen—he knows not whence or where? what is this place? i have never seen anything like it. it seems to me that i hate it already, though i know not what it is.’

he shook his head once more. ‘you will hate it more and more,’ he said; ‘but of these dreadful streets you will never be free, unless——’ and here he stopped again.

‘unless—what? if it is possible, i will be free of them, and that before long.

he smiled at me faintly, as we smile at children, but not with derision.

‘how shall you do that? between this miserable world and all others there is a great gulf fixed. it is full of all the bitterness and tears that come from all the universe. these drop from them, but stagnate{29} here. we, you perceive, have no tears, not even at moments——’ then, ‘you will soon be accustomed to all this,’ he said. ‘you will fall into the way. perhaps you will be able to amuse yourself, to make it passable. many do. there are a number of fine things to be seen here. if you are curious, come with me and i will show you. or work—there is even work. there is only one thing that is impossible—or if not impossible——’ and here he paused again, and raised his eyes to the dark clouds and lurid sky overhead. ‘the man who gave that cry! if i could but find him—he must have seen——’

‘what could he see?’ i asked. but there rose in my mind something like contempt. a visionary! who could not speak plainly, who broke off into mysterious inferences, and appeared to know more than he would say. it seemed foolish to waste time when evidently there was still so much to see, in the company of such a man. and i began already to feel more at home.{30} there was something in that moment of anguish which had wrought a strange familiarity in me with my surroundings. it was so great a relief to return out of the misery of that sharp and horrible self-realisation, to what had come to be, in comparison, easy and well known. i had no desire to go back and grope among the mysteries and anguish so suddenly revealed. i was glad to be free from them, to be left to myself, to get a little pleasure perhaps like the others. while these thoughts passed through my mind, i had gone on without any active impulse of my own, as everybody else did; and my latest companion had disappeared. he saw, no doubt, without any need for words, what my feelings were. and i proceeded on my way. i felt better as i got more accustomed to the place, or perhaps it was the sensation of relief after that moment of indescribable pain. as for the sights in the streets, i began to grow used to them. the wretched creatures{31} who strolled or sat about with signs of sickness or wounds upon them disgusted me only, they no longer called forth my pity. i began to feel ashamed of my silly questions about the hospital. all the same, it would have been a good thing to have had some receptacle for them, into which they might have been driven out of the way. i felt an inclination to push them aside as i saw other people do, but was a little ashamed of that impulse too; and so i went on. there seemed no quiet streets, so far as i could make out, in the place. some were smaller, meaner, with a different kind of passengers, but the same hubbub and unresting movement everywhere. i saw no signs of melancholy or seriousness; active pain, violence, brutality, the continual shock of quarrels and blows: but no pensive faces about, no sorrowfulness, nor the kind of trouble which brings thought. everybody was fully occupied, pushing on as if in a race, pausing for nothing.

the glitter of the lights, the shouts, and{32} sounds of continual going, the endless whirl of passers-by, confused and tired me after a while. i went as far out as i could go to what seemed the outskirts of the place, where i could by glimpses perceive a low horizon all lurid and glowing, which seemed to sweep round and round. against it in the distance stood up the outline, black against that red glow, of other towers and house-tops, so many and great that there was evidently another town between us and the sunset, if sunset it was. i have seen a western sky like it when there were storms about, and all the colours of the sky were heightened and darkened by angry influences. the distant town rose against it, cutting the firmament so that it might have been tongues of flame flickering between the dark solid outlines; and across the waste open country which lay between the two cities, there came a distant hum like the sound of the sea, which was in reality the roar of that other multitude. the country between showed no green{33}ness or beauty; it lay dark under the dark over-hanging sky. here and there seemed a cluster of giant trees scathed as if by lightning, their bare boughs standing up as high as the distant towers, their trunks like black columns without foliage; openings here and there, with glimmering lights, looked like the mouths of mines: but of passengers there were scarcely any. a figure here and there flew along as if pursued, imperfectly seen, a shadow only a little darker than the space about. and in contrast with the sound of the city, here was no sound at all, except the low roar on either side, and a vague cry or two from the openings of the mine—a scene all drawn in darkness, in variations of gloom, deriving scarcely any light at all from the red and gloomy burning of that distant evening sky.

a faint curiosity to go forward, to see what the mines were, perhaps to get a share in what was brought up from them, crossed my mind. but i was afraid of the{34} dark, of the wild uninhabited savage look of the landscape: though when i thought of it, there seemed no reason why a narrow stretch of country between two great towns should be alarming. but the impression was strong and above reason. i turned back to the street in which i had first alighted, and which seemed to end in a great square full of people. in the middle there was a stage erected, from which some one was delivering an oration or address of some sort. he stood beside a long table, upon which lay something which i could not clearly distinguish, except that it seemed alive and moved, or rather writhed, with convulsive twitchings, as if trying to get free of the bonds which confined it. round the stage in front were a number of seats occupied by listeners, many of whom were women, whose interest seemed to be very great, some of them being furnished with note-books; while a great unsettled crowd coming and going, drifted round—many, arrested for{35} a time as they passed, proceeding on their way when the interest flagged, as is usual to such open-air assemblies. i followed two of those who pushed their way to within a short distance of the stage, and who were strong, big men, more fitted to elbow the crowd aside than i, after my rough treatment in the first place, and the agitation i had passed through, could be. i was glad, besides, to take advantage of the explanation which one was giving to the other. ‘it’s always fun to see this fellow demonstrate,’ he said, ‘and the subject to-day’s a capital one. let’s get well forward, and see all that’s going on.’

‘which subject do you mean?’ said the other; ‘the theme or the example?’ and they both laughed, though i did not seize the point of the wit.

‘well, both,’ said the first speaker; ‘the theme is nerves: and as a lesson in construction and the calculation of possibilities, it’s fine. he’s very clever at that. he shows how they are all strung to give as{36} much pain and do as much harm as can be; and yet how well it’s all managed, don’t you know, to look the reverse. as for the example, he’s a capital one—all nerves together, lying, if you like, just on the surface, ready for the knife.’

‘if they’re on the surface i can’t see where the fun is,’ said the other.

‘metaphorically speaking: of course they are just where other people’s nerves are; but he’s what you call a highly organised nervous specimen. there will be plenty of fun. hush! he is just going to begin.’

‘the arrangement of these threads of being,’ said the lecturer, evidently resuming after a pause, ‘so as to convey to the brain the most instantaneous messages of pain or pleasure, is wonderfully skilful and clever. i need not say to the audience before me, enlightened as it is by experiences of the most striking kind, that the messages are less of pleasure than of pain. they report to the brain the stroke of injury far more{37} often than the thrill of pleasure: though sometimes that too, no doubt, or life could scarcely be maintained. the powers that be have found it necessary to mingle a little sweet of pleasurable sensation, else our miserable race would certainly have found some means of procuring annihilation. i do not for a moment pretend to say that the pleasure is sufficient to offer a just counterbalance to the other. none of my hearers will, i hope, accuse me of inconsistency. i am ready to allow that in a previous condition i asserted somewhat strongly that this was the case. but experience has enlightened us on that point. our circumstances are now understood by us all, in a manner impossible while we were still in a condition of incompleteness. we are all convinced that there is no compensation. the pride of the position, of bearing everything rather than give in, or making a submission we do not feel, of preserving our own will and individuality to all eternity, is the only{38} compensation. i am satisfied with it, for my part.’

the orator made a pause, holding his head high, and there was a certain amount of applause. the two men before me cheered vociferously. ‘that is the right way to look at it,’ one of them said. my eyes were upon them, with no particular motive, and i could not help starting, as i saw suddenly underneath their applause and laughter a snarl of cursing, which was the real expression of their thoughts. i felt disposed in the same way to curse the speaker, though i knew no reason why.

he went on a little further, explaining what he meant to do; and then turning round, approached the table. an assistant, who was waiting, uncovered it quickly. the audience stirred with quickened interest, and i with consternation made a step forward, crying out with horror. the object on the table, writhing, twitching, to get free, but bound down by every limb, was a living man. the lecturer went{39} forward calmly, taking his instruments from their case with perfect composure and coolness. ‘now, ladies and gentlemen,’ he said: and inserted the knife in the flesh, making a long clear cut in the bound arm. i shrieked out, unable to restrain myself. the sight of the deliberate wound, the blood, the cry of agony that came from the victim, the calmness of all the lookers-on, filled me with horror and rage indescribable. i felt myself clear the crowd away with a rush, and spring on the platform, i could not tell how. ‘you devil!’ i cried, ‘let the man go. where is the police?—where is a magistrate?—let the man go this moment! fiends in human shape! i’ll have you brought to justice!’ i heard myself shouting wildly, as i flung myself upon the wretched sufferer, interposing between him and the knife. it was something like this that i said. my horror and rage were delirious, and carried me beyond all attempt at control.{40}

through it all i heard a shout of laughter rising from everybody round. the lecturer laughed, the audience roared with that sound of horrible mockery which had driven me out of myself in my first experience. all kinds of mocking cries sounded around me. ‘let him a little blood to calm him down.’ ‘let the fool have a taste of it himself, doctor.’ last of all came a voice mingled with the cries of the sufferer whom i was trying to shield—‘take him instead; curse him! take him instead.’ i was bending over the man with my arms outstretched, protecting him, when he gave vent to this cry. and i heard immediately behind me a shout of assent, which seemed to come from the two strong young men with whom i had been standing, and the sound of a rush to seize me. i looked round, half mad with terror and rage; a second more and i should have been strapped on the table too. i made one wild bound into the midst of the crowd, and struggling among{41} the arms stretched out to catch me, amid the roar of the laughter and cries—fled—fled wildly, i knew not whither, in panic and rage and horror, which no words could describe. terror winged my feet. i flew, thinking as little of whom i met, or knocked down, or trod upon in my way, as the others did at whom i had wondered a little while ago.

no distinct impression of this headlong course remains in my mind, save the sensation of mad fear such as i had never felt before. i came to myself on the edge of the dark valley which surrounded the town. all my pursuers had dropped off before that time, and i have the recollection of flinging myself upon the ground on my face in the extremity of fatigue and exhaustion. i must have lain there undisturbed for some time. a few steps came and went, passing me; but no one took any notice, and the absence of the noise and crowding gave me a momentary respite. but in my heat and fever i got no{42} relief of coolness from the contact of the soil. i might have flung myself upon a bed of hot ashes, so much was it unlike the dewy cool earth which i expected, upon which one can always throw one’s self with a sensation of repose. presently the uneasiness of it made me struggle up again and look around me. i was safe: at least the cries of the pursuers had died away, the laughter which made my blood boil offended my ears no more. the noise of the city was behind me, softened into an indefinite roar by distance, and before me stretched out the dreary landscape in which there seemed no features of attraction. now that i was nearer to it, i found it not so unpeopled as i thought. at no great distance from me was the mouth of one of the mines, from which came an indication of subterranean lights: and i perceived that the flying figures which i had taken for travellers between one city and another, were in reality wayfarers endeavouring to keep clear of what{43} seemed a sort of pressgang at the openings. one of them, unable to stop himself in his flight, adopted the same expedient as myself, and threw himself on the ground close to me when he had got beyond the range of pursuit. it was curious that we should meet there, he flying from a danger which i was about to face, and ready to encounter that from which i had fled. i waited for a few minutes till he had recovered his breath, and then: ‘what are you running from?’ i said; ‘is there any danger there?’ the man looked up at me with the same continual question in his eyes—who is this fool?

‘danger!’ he said. ‘are you so new here, or such a cursed idiot, as not to know the danger of the mines? you are going across yourself, i suppose, and then you’ll see.’

‘but tell me,’ i said; ‘my experience may be of use to you afterwards, if you will tell me yours now.’

‘of use!’ he cried, staring; ‘who cares?{44} find out for yourself. if they get hold of you, you will soon understand.’

i no longer took this for rudeness, but answered in his own way, cursing him too for a fool. ‘if i ask a warning i can give one; as for kindness,’ i said, ‘i was not looking for that.’

at this he laughed, indeed we laughed together—there seemed something ridiculous in the thought: and presently he told me, for the mere relief of talking, that round each of these pit-mouths there was a band to entrap every passer-by who allowed himself to be caught, and send him down below to work in the mine. ‘once there, there is no telling when you may get free,’ he said; ‘one time or other most people have a taste of it. you don’t know what hard labour is if you have never been there. i had a spell once. there is neither air nor light, your blood boils in your veins from the fervent heat, you are never allowed to rest. you are put in every{45} kind of contortion to get at it, your limbs twisted, and your muscles strained.’

‘for what?’ i said.

‘for gold!’ he cried with a flash in his eyes—‘gold! there it is inexhaustible; however hard you may work there is always more, and more!’

‘and to whom does all that belong?’ i said.

‘to whoever is strong enough to get hold and keep possession—sometimes one, sometimes another. the only thing you are sure of is that it will never be you.’

why not i as well as another? was the thought that went through my mind, and my new companion spied it with a shriek of derision.

‘it is not for you nor your kind,’ he cried. ‘how do you think you could force other people to serve you? can you terrify them or hurt them, or give them anything? you have not learnt yet who are the masters here.{46}’

this troubled me, for it was true. ‘i had begun to think,’ i said, ‘that there was no authority at all—for every man seems to do as he pleases: you ride over one, and knock another down; or you seize a living man and cut him to pieces’—i shuddered as i thought of it—‘and there is nobody to interfere.’

‘who should interfere?’ he said. ‘why shouldn’t every man amuse himself as he can? but yet for all that we’ve got our masters,’ he cried, with a scowl, waving his clenched fist in the direction of the mines; ‘you’ll find it out when you get there.’

it was a long time after this before i ventured to move—for here it seemed to me that for the moment i was safe—outside the city, yet not within reach of the dangers of that intermediate space which grew clearer before me as my eyes became accustomed to the lurid threatening afternoon light. one after another the fugitives came flying past{47} me,—people who had escaped from the armed bands whom i could now see on the watch near the pit’s mouth. i could see, too, the tactics of these bands—how they retired, veiling the lights and the opening, when a greater number than usual of travellers appeared on the way, and then suddenly widening out, throwing out flanking lines, surrounded and drew in the unwary. i could even hear the cries with which their victims disappeared over the opening which seemed to go down into the bowels of the earth. by and by there came flying towards me a wretch more dreadful in aspect than any i had seen. his scanty clothes seemed singed and burnt into rags; his hair, which hung about his face unkempt and uncared for, had the same singed aspect; his skin was brown and baked. i got up as he approached, and caught him and threw him to the ground, without heeding his struggles to get on. ‘don’t you see,’ he cried with a gasp,{48} ‘they may get me again.’ he was one of those who had escaped out of the mines; but what was it to me whether they caught him again or not? i wanted to know how he had been caught, and what he had been set to do, and how he had escaped. why should i hesitate to use my superior strength when no one else did? i kept watch over him that he should not get away.

‘you have been in the mines?’ i said.

‘let me go!’ he cried; ‘do you need to ask?’ and he cursed me as he struggled, with the most terrible imprecations. ‘they may get me yet. let me go!’

‘not till you tell me,’ i cried. ‘tell me and i’ll protect you. if they come near i’ll let you go. who are they, man? i must know.’

he struggled up from the ground, clearing his hot eyes from the ashes that were in them, and putting aside his singed hair. he gave me a glance of hatred and impotent resistance (for i{49} was stronger than he), and then cast a wild terrified look back. the skirmishers did not seem to remark that anybody had escaped, and he became gradually a little more composed. ‘who are they!’ he said hoarsely; ‘they’re cursed wretches like you and me; and there are as many bands of them as there are mines on the road: and you’d better turn back and stay where you are. you are safe here.’

‘i will not turn back,’ i said.

‘i know well enough: you can’t. you’ve got to go the round like the rest,’ he said, with a laugh which was like a sound uttered by a wild animal rather than a human voice. the man was in my power, and i struck him, miserable as he was. it seemed a relief thus to get rid of some of the fury in my mind. ‘it’s a lie,’ i said; ‘i go because i please. why shouldn’t i gather a band of my own if i please, and fight those brutes, not fly from them like you?’

he chuckled and laughed below his breath, struggling and cursing and crying{50} out, as i struck him again, ‘you gather a band! what could you offer them?—where would you find them? are you better than the rest of us? are you not a man like the rest? strike me you can, for i’m down. but make yourself a master and a chief—you!’

‘why not i?’ i shouted again, wild with rage and the sense that i had no power over him, save to hurt him. that passion made my hands tremble: he slipped from me in a moment, bounded from the ground like a ball, and with a yell of derision escaped, and plunged into the streets and the clamour of the city from which i had just flown. i felt myself rage after him, shaking my fists with a consciousness of the ridiculous passion of impotence that was in me, but no power of restraining it; and there was not one of the fugitives who passed, however desperate he might be, who did not make a mock at me as he darted by. the laughing-stock of all those miserable objects, the sport of fate,{51} afraid to go forward, unable to go back, with a fire in my veins urging me on! but presently i grew a little calmer out of mere exhaustion, which was all the relief that was possible to me. and by and by, collecting all my faculties, and impelled by this impulse, which i seemed unable to resist, i got up and went cautiously on.

fear can act in two ways: it paralyses and it renders cunning. at this moment i found it inspire me. i made my plans before i started, how to steal along under the cover of the blighted brushwood which broke the line of the valley here and there. i set out only after long thought, seizing the moment when the vaguely perceived band were scouring in the other direction intercepting the travellers. thus, with many pauses, i got near to the pit’s mouth in safety. but my curiosity was as great as, almost greater than, my terror. i had kept far from the road, dragging myself sometimes on hands and feet over broken{52} ground, tearing my clothes and my flesh upon the thorns; and on that farther side all seemed so silent and so dark in the shadow cast by some disused machinery, behind which the glare of the fire from below blazed upon the other side of the opening, that i could not crawl along in the darkness, and pass, which would have been the safe way; but with a breathless hot desire to see and know, dragged myself to the very edge to look down. though i was in the shadow, my eyes were nearly put out by the glare on which i gazed. it was not fire; it was the lurid glow of the gold, glowing like flame, at which countless miners were working. they were all about like flies, some on their knees, some bent double as they stooped over their work, some lying cramped upon shelves and ledges. the sight was wonderful, and terrible beyond description. the workmen seemed to consume away with the heat and the glow, even in the few minutes i gazed. their eyes shrank into their{53} heads, their faces blackened. i could see some trying to secrete morsels of the glowing metal, which burned whatever it touched, and some who were being searched by the superiors of the mines, and some who were punishing the offenders, fixing them up against the blazing wall of gold. the fear went out of my mind, so much absorbed was i in this sight. i gazed, seeing farther and farther every moment, into crevices and seams of the glowing metal, always with more and more slaves at work, and the entire pantomime of labour and theft, and search and punishment, going on and on—the baked faces dark against the golden glare, the hot eyes taking a yellow reflection, the monotonous clamour of pick and shovel, and cries and curses, and all the indistinguishable sound of a multitude of human creatures. and the floor below, and the low roof which overhung whole myriads within a few inches of their faces, and the irregular walls all breached and shelved, were every{54} one the same, a pandemonium of gold,—gold everywhere. i had loved many foolish things in my life, but never this: which was perhaps why i gazed and kept my sight, though there rose out of it a blast of heat which scorched the brain.

while i stooped over, intent on the sight, some one who had come up by my side to gaze too was caught by the fumes (as i suppose); for suddenly i was aware of a dark object falling prone into the glowing interior with a cry and crash which brought back my first wild panic. he fell in a heap, from which his arms shot forth wildly as he reached the bottom, and his cry was half anguish yet half desire. i saw him seized by half a dozen eager watchers, and pitched upon a ledge just under the roof, and tools thrust into his hands. i held on by an old shaft, trembling, unable to move. perhaps i cried too in my horror—for one of the overseers who stood in the centre of the glare looked up. he had the air of ordering all that{55} was going on, and stood unaffected by the blaze, commanding the other wretched officials, who obeyed him like dogs. he seemed to me, in my terror, like a figure of gold, the image, perhaps, of wealth or pluto, or i know not what: for i suppose my brain began to grow confused, and my hold on the shaft to relax. i had strength enough, however, for i cared not for the gold, to fling myself back the other way upon the ground, where i rolled backward, downward, i knew not how, turning over and over, upon sharp ashes and metallic edges, which tore my hair and beard,—and for a moment i knew no more.

this fall saved me. i came to myself after a time, and heard the pressgang searching about. i had sense to lie still among the ashes thrown up out of the pit, while i heard their voices. once i gave myself up for lost. the glitter of a lantern flashed in my eyes, a foot passed, crashing among the ashes so close to my cheek that the shoe grazed it. i found the mark after,{56} burned upon my flesh: but i escaped notice by a miracle. and presently i was able to drag myself up and crawl away. but how i reached the end of the valley i cannot tell. i pushed my way along mechanically on the dark side. i had no further desire to see what was going on in the openings of the mines. i went on, stumbling and stupid, scarcely capable even of fear, conscious only of wretchedness and weariness, till at last i felt myself drop across the road within the gateway of the other town—and lay there, with no thought of anything but the relief of being at rest.

when i came to myself, it seemed to me that there was a change in the atmosphere and the light. it was less lurid, paler, gray, more like twilight than the stormy afternoon of the other city. a certain dead serenity was in the sky—a black paleness, whiteness, everything faint in it. this town was walled, but the gates stood open, and i saw no defences of troops or other guardians.{57} i found myself lying across the threshold, but pushed to one side, so that the carriages which went and came should not be stopped or i injured by their passage. it seemed to me that there was some thoughtfulness and kindness in this action, and my heart sprang up in a reaction of hope. i looked back as if upon a nightmare on the dreadful city which i had left, on its tumults and noise, the wild racket of the streets, the wounded wretches who sought refuge in the corners, the strife and misery that were abroad, and, climax of all, the horrible entertainment which had been going on in the square, the unhappy being strapped upon the table. how, i said to myself, could such things be? was it a dream? was it a nightmare? was it something presented to me in a vision—a strong delusion to make me think that the old fables which had been told concerning the end of mortal life were true? when i looked back it appeared{58} like an allegory, so that i might have seen it in a dream; and still more like an allegory were the gold-mines in the valley, and the myriads who laboured there. was it all true? or only a reflection from the old life, mingling with the strange novelties which would most likely elude understanding, on the entrance into this new? i sat within the shelter of the gateway, on my awakening, and thought over all this. my heart was quite calm—almost, in the revulsion from the terrors i had been through, happy. i persuaded myself that i was but now beginning; that there had been no reality in these latter experiences, only a curious succession of nightmares, such as might so well be supposed to follow a wonderful transformation like that which must take place between our mortal life and—the world to come. the world to come! i paused and thought of it all, until the heart began to beat loud in my breast. what was this, where i{59} lay? another world; a world which was not happiness, not bliss? oh no—perhaps there was no world of bliss save in dreams. this, on the other hand, i said to myself, was not misery: for was not i seated here, with a certain tremulousness about me, it was true, after all the experiences which, supposing them even to have been but dreams, i had come through,—a tremulousness very comprehensible, and not at all without hope?

i will not say that i believed even what i tried to think. something in me lay like a dark shadow in the midst of all my theories; but yet i succeeded to a great degree in convincing myself that the hope in me was real, and that i was but now beginning—beginning, with at least a possibility that all might be well. in this half conviction, and after all the troubles that were over (even though they might only have been imaginary troubles), i felt a certain sweetness in resting there,{60} within the gateway, with my back against it. i was unwilling to get up again, and bring myself in contact with reality. i felt that there was pleasure in being left alone. carriages rolled past me occasionally, and now and then some people on foot; but they did not kick me out of the way or interfere with my repose.

presently as i sat trying to persuade myself to rise and pursue my way, two men came up to me in a sort of uniform. i recognised with another distinct sensation of pleasure that here were people who had authority, representatives of some kind of government. they came up to me and bade me come with them in tones which were peremptory enough; but what of that?—better the most peremptory supervision than the lawlessness from which i had come. they raised me from the ground with a touch, for i could not resist them, and led me quickly along the street, into which that gateway gave access, which was a handsome street with{61} tall houses on either side. groups of people were moving about along the pavement, talking now and then with considerable animation; but when my companions were seen, there was an immediate moderation of tone, a sort of respect which looked like fear. there was no brawling nor tumult of any kind in the street. the only incident that occurred was this: when we had gone some way, i saw a lame man dragging himself along with difficulty on the other side of the street. my conductors had no sooner perceived him than they gave each other a look and darted across, conveying me with them, by a sweep of magnetic influence, i thought, that prevented me from staying behind. he made an attempt with his crutches to get out of the way, hurrying on—and i will allow that this attempt of his seemed to me very grotesque, so that i could scarcely help laughing: the other lookers-on in the street laughed too, though some put on an{62} aspect of disgust. ‘look, the tortoise!’ some one said; ‘does he think he can go quicker than the orderlies?’ my companions came up to the man while this commentary was going on, and seized him by each arm. ‘where were you going? where have you come from? how dare you make an exhibition of yourself?’ they cried. they took the crutches from him as they spoke and threw them away, and dragged him on until we reached a great grated door which one of them opened with a key, while the other held the offender, for he seemed an offender, roughly up by one shoulder causing him great pain. when the door was opened, i saw a number of people within, who seemed to crowd to the door as if seeking to get out. but this was not at all what was intended. my second companion dragged the lame man forward, and pushed him in with so much violence that i could see him fall forward on his face on the floor. then the other locked the door, and we pro{63}ceeded on our way. it was not till some time later that i understood why.

in the meantime i was hurried on, meeting a great many people who took no notice of me, to a central building in the middle of the town, where i was brought before an official attended by clerks, with great books spread out before him. here i was questioned as to my name and my antecedents, and the time of my arrival, then dismissed with a nod to one of my conductors. he led me back again down the street, took me into one of the tall great houses, opened the door of a room which was numbered, and left me there without a word. i cannot convey to any one the bewildered consternation with which i felt myself deposited here; and as the steps of my conductor died away in the long corridor, i sat down, and looking myself in the face, as it were, tried to make out what it was that had happened to me. the room was small and bare. there was but one thing hung upon the undecor{64}ated walls, and that was a long list of printed regulations which i had not the courage for the moment to look at. the light was indifferent, though the room was high up, and the street from the window looked far away below. i cannot tell how long i sat there thinking, and yet it could scarcely be called thought. i asked myself over and over again, where am i? is it a prison? am i shut in, to leave this enclosure no more? what am i to do? how is the time to pass? i shut my eyes for a moment and tried to realise all that had happened to me; but nothing save a whirl through my head of disconnected thoughts seemed possible, and some force was upon me to open my eyes again, to see the blank room, the dull light, the vacancy round me in which there was nothing to interest the mind, nothing to please the eye, a blank wherever i turned. presently there came upon me a burning regret for everything i had left, for the noisy town with all its tumults and cruelties, for{65} the dark valley with all its dangers. everything seemed bearable, almost agreeable, in comparison with this. i seemed to have been brought here to make acquaintance once more with myself, to learn over again what manner of man i was. needless knowledge, acquaintance unnecessary, unhappy! for what was there in me to make me to myself a good companion? never, i knew, could i separate myself from that eternal consciousness; but it was cruelty to force the contemplation upon me. all blank, blank, around me, a prison! and was this to last for ever?

i do not know how long i sat, rapt in this gloomy vision; but at last it occurred to me to rise and try the door, which to my astonishment was open. i went out with a throb of new hope. after all, it might not be necessary to come back; there might be other expedients: i might fall among friends. i turned down the long echoing stairs, on which i met various people, who took no notice of me, and in{66} whom i felt no interest save a desire to avoid them, and at last reached the street. to be out of doors in the air was something, though there was no wind, but a motionless still atmosphere which nothing disturbed. the streets, indeed, were full of movement, but not of life—though this seems a paradox. the passengers passed on their way in long regulated lines—those who went towards the gates keeping rigorously to one side of the pavement, those who came, to the other. they talked to each other here and there; but whenever two men in uniform, such as those who had been my conductors, appeared, silence ensued, and the wayfarers shrank even from the looks of these persons in authority. i walked all about the spacious town. everywhere there were tall houses, everywhere streams of people coming and going, but no one spoke to me, or remarked me at all. i was as lonely as if i had been in a wilderness. i was indeed in a wilderness of men, who were as though they did not{67} see me, passing without even a look of human fellowship; each absorbed in his own concerns. i walked and walked till my limbs trembled under me, from one end to another of the great streets, up and down, and round and round. but no one said, how are you? whence come you? what are you doing? at length in despair i turned again to the blank and miserable room, which had looked to me like a cell in a prison. i had wilfully made no note of its situation, trying to avoid rather than to find it, but my steps were drawn thither against my will. i found myself retracing my steps, mounting the long stairs, passing the same people, who streamed along with no recognition of me, as i desired nothing to do with them; and at last found myself within the same four blank walls as before.

soon after i returned i became conscious of measured steps passing the door, and of an eye upon me. i can say no more than this. from what point it was that i was{68} inspected i cannot tell; but that i was inspected, closely scrutinised by some one, and that not only externally, but by a cold observation that went through and through me, i knew and felt beyond any possibility of mistake. this recurred from time to time, horribly, at uncertain moments, so that i never felt myself secure from it. i knew when the watcher was coming by tremors and shiverings through all my being: and no sensation so unsupportable has it ever been mine to bear. how much that is to say, no one can tell who has not gone through those regions of darkness, and learned what is in all their abysses. i tried at first to hide, to fling myself on the floor, to cover my face, to burrow in a dark corner. useless attempts! the eyes that looked in upon me had powers beyond my powers. i felt sometimes conscious of the derisive smile with which my miserable subterfuges were regarded. they were all in vain.

and what was still more strange was{69} that i had not energy to think of attempting any escape. my steps, though watched, were not restrained in any way, so far as i was aware. the gates of the city stood open on all sides, free to those who went as well as to those who came; but i did not think of flight. of flight! whence should i go from myself? though that horrible inspection was from the eyes of some unseen being, it was in some mysterious way connected with my own thinking and reflections, so that the thought came ever more and more strongly upon me, that from myself i could never escape. and that reflection took all energy, all impulse from me. i might have gone away when i pleased, beyond reach of the authority which regulated everything,—how one should walk, where one should live,—but never from my own consciousness. on the other side of the town lay a great plain, traversed by roads on every side. there was no reason why i should not continue my journey there. but i did{70} not. i had no wish nor any power in me to go away.

in one of my long, dreary, companionless walks, unshared by any human fellowship, i saw at last a face which i remembered; it was that of the cynical spectator who had spoken to me in the noisy street in the midst of my early experiences. he gave a glance round him to see that there were no officials in sight, then left the file in which he was walking, and joined me. ‘ah!’ he said, ‘you are here already,’ with the same derisive smile with which he had before regarded me. i hated the man and his sneer, yet that he should speak to me was something, almost a pleasure.

‘yes,’ said i, ‘i am here.’ then, after a pause, in which i did not know what to say—‘it is quiet here,’ i said.

‘quiet enough. do you like it better for that? to do whatever you please with no one to interfere; or to do nothing you please, but as you are forced to do it,—which do you think is best?{71}’

i felt myself instinctively glance round, as he had done, to make sure that no one was in sight. then i answered, faltering, ‘i have always held that law and order were necessary things; and the lawlessness of that—that place—i don’t know its name—if there is such a place,’ i cried, ‘i thought it was a dream.’

he laughed in his mocking way. ‘perhaps it is all a dream—who knows?’ he said.

‘sir,’ said i, ‘you have been longer here than i——’

‘oh,’ cried he, with a laugh that was dry and jarred upon the air almost like a shriek, ‘since before your forefathers were born!’ it seemed to me that he spoke like one who, out of bitterness and despite, made every darkness blacker still. a kind of madman in his way; for what was this claim of age?—a piece of bravado, no doubt, like the rest.

‘that is strange,’ i said, assenting, as when there is such a hallucination it is best to do. ‘you can tell me, then,{72} whence all this authority comes, and why we are obliged to obey.’

he looked at me as if he were thinking in his mind how to hurt me most. then, with that dry laugh, ‘we make trial of all things in this world,’ he said, ‘to see if perhaps we can find something we shall like—discipline here, freedom in the other place. when you have gone all the round like me, then, perhaps, you will be able to choose.’

‘have you chosen?’ i asked.

he only answered with a laugh. ‘come,’ he said, ‘there is amusement to be had too, and that of the most elevated kind. we make researches here into the moral nature of man. will you come? but you must take the risk,’ he added, with a smile which afterwards i understood.

we went on together after this till we reached the centre of the place, in which stood an immense building with a dome, which dominated the city, and into a great hall in the centre of that, where a crowd{73} of people were assembled. the sound of human speech, which murmured all around, brought new life to my heart. and as i gazed at a curious apparatus erected on a platform, several people spoke to me.

‘we have again,’ said one, ‘the old subject to-day.’

‘is it something about the constitution of the place?’ i asked, in the bewilderment of my mind.

my neighbours looked at me with alarm, glancing behind them to see what officials might be near.

‘the constitution of the place is the result of the sense of the inhabitants that order must be preserved,’ said the one who had spoken to me first. ‘the lawless can find refuge in other places. here we have chosen to have supervision, nuisances removed, and order kept. that is enough. the constitution is not under discussion.’

‘but man is,’ said a second speaker. ‘let us keep to that in which we can mend nothing. sir, you may have to{74} contribute your quota to our enlightenment. we are investigating the rise of thought. you are a stranger; you may be able to help us.’

‘i am no philosopher,’ i said, with a panic which i could not explain to myself.

‘that does not matter. you are a fresh subject.’ the speaker made a slight movement with his hand, and i turned round to escape in wild, sudden fright, though i had no conception what could be done to me. but the crowd had pressed close round me, hemming me in on every side. i was so wildly alarmed that i struggled among them, pushing backwards with all my force, and clearing a space round me with my arms. but my efforts were vain. two of the officers suddenly appeared out of the crowd, and seizing me by the arms, forced me forward. the throng dispersed before them on either side, and i was half dragged, half lifted up upon the platform, where stood the strange apparatus which i had contem{75}plated with a dull wonder when i came into the hall. my wonder did not last long. i felt myself fixed in it, standing supported in that position by bands and springs, so that no effort of mine was necessary to hold myself up, and none possible to release myself. i was caught by every joint, sustained, supported, exposed to the gaze of what seemed a world of upturned faces: among which i saw, with a sneer upon it, keeping a little behind the crowd, the face of the man who had led me here. above my head was a strong light, more brilliant than anything i had ever seen, and which blazed upon my brain till the hair seemed to singe and the skin shrink. i hope i may never feel such a sensation again. the pitiless light went into me like a knife; but even my cries were stopped by the framework in which i was bound. i could breathe and suffer, but that was all.

then some one got up on the platform above me and began to speak. he said, so far as i could comprehend in the anguish{76} and torture in which i was held, that the origin of thought was the question he was investigating, but that in every previous subject the confusion of ideas had bewildered them, and the rapidity with which one followed another. ‘the present example has been found to exhibit great persistency of idea,’ he said. ‘we hope that by his means some clearer theory may be arrived at.’ then he pulled over me a great movable lens as of a microscope, which concentrated the insupportable light. the wild, hopeless passion that raged within my soul had no outlet in the immovable apparatus that held me. i was let down among the crowd, and exhibited to them, every secret movement of my being, by some awful process which i have never fathomed. a burning fire was in my brain, flame seemed to run along all my nerves, speechless, horrible, incommunicable fury raged in my soul. but i was like a child—nay, like an image of wood or wax in the pitiless hands that{77} held me. what was the cut of a surgeon’s knife to this? and i had thought that cruel! and i was powerless, and could do nothing—to blast, to destroy, to burn with this same horrible flame the fiends that surrounded me, as i desired to do.

suddenly, in the raging fever of my thoughts, there surged up the recollection of that word which had paralysed all around, and myself with them. the thought that i must share the anguish did not restrain me from my revenge. with a tremendous effort i got my voice, though the instrument pressed upon my lips. i know not what i articulated save ‘god,’ whether it was a curse or a blessing. i had been swung out into the middle of the hall, and hung amid the crowd, exposed to all their observations, when i succeeded in gaining utterance. my god! my god! another moment and i had forgotten them and all my fury in the tortures that arose within myself. what, then, was the light that racked my{78} brain? once more my life from its beginning to its end rose up before me—each scene like a spectre, like the harpies of the old fables rending me with tooth and claw. once more i saw what might have been, the noble things i might have done, the happiness i had lost, the turnings of the fated road which i might have taken,—everything that was once so possible, so possible, so easy! but now possible no more. my anguish was immeasurable; i turned and wrenched myself, in the strength of pain, out of the machinery that held me, and fell down, down among all the curses that were being hurled at me—among the horrible and miserable crowd. i had brought upon them the evil which i shared, and they fell upon me with a fury which was like that which had prompted myself a few minutes before. but they could do nothing to me so tremendous as the vengeance i had taken upon them. i was too miserable to feel the blows that rained upon me, but presently i suppose{79} i lost consciousness altogether, being almost torn to pieces by the multitude.

while this lasted, it seemed to me that i had a dream. i felt the blows raining down upon me, and my body struggling upon the ground; and yet it seemed to me that i was lying outside upon the ground, and above me the pale sky which never brightened at the touch of the sun. and i thought that dull, persistent cloud wavered and broke for an instant, and that i saw behind a glimpse of that blue which is heaven when we are on the earth—the blue sky—which is nowhere to be seen but in the mortal life; which is heaven enough, which is delight enough, for those who can look up to it, and feel themselves in the land of hope. it might be but a dream: in this strange world who could tell what was vision and what was true?

the next thing i remember was, that i found myself lying on the floor of a great room full of people, with every kind of disease and deformity, some pale with{80} sickness, some with fresh wounds, the lame, and the maimed, and the miserable. they lay round me in every attitude of pain, many with sores, some bleeding, with broken limbs, but all struggling, some on hands and knees, dragging themselves up from the ground to stare at me. they roused in my mind a loathing and sense of disgust which it is impossible to express. i could scarcely tolerate the thought that i—i! should be forced to remain a moment in this lazar-house. the feeling with which i had regarded the miserable creature who shared the corner of the wall with me, and who had cursed me for being sorry for him, had altogether gone out of my mind. i called out, to whom i know not, adjuring some one to open the door and set me free; but my cry was answered only by a shout from my companions in trouble. ‘who do you think will let you out?’ ‘who is going to help you more than the rest.’ my whole body was racked with pain; i could not move from the floor,{81} on which i lay. i had to put up with the stares of the curious, and the mockeries and remarks on me of whoever chose to criticise. among them was the lame man whom i had seen thrust in by the two officers who had taken me from the gate. he was the first to gibe. ‘but for him they would never have seen me,’ he said. ‘i should have been well by this time in the fresh air.’—‘it is his turn now,’ said another. i turned my head as well as i could and spoke to them all.

‘i am a stranger here,’ i cried. ‘they have made my brain burn with their experiments. will nobody help me? it is no fault of mine, it is their fault. if i am to be left here uncared for, i shall die.’

at this a sort of dreadful chuckle ran round the place. ‘if that is what you are afraid of, you will not die,’ somebody said, touching me on my head in a way which gave me intolerable pain. ‘don’t touch me,’ i cried. ‘why shouldn’t i?’ said the other, and pushed me again upon the throb{82}bing brain. so far as my sensations went, there were no coverings at all, neither skull nor skin upon the intolerable throbbing of my head, which had been exposed to the curiosity of the crowd, and every touch was agony; but my cry brought no guardian, nor any defence or soothing. i dragged myself into a corner after a time, from which some other wretch had been rolled out in the course of a quarrel; and as i found that silence was the only policy, i kept silent, with rage consuming my heart.

presently i discovered by means of the new arrivals which kept coming in, hurled into the midst of us without thought or question, that this was the common fate of all who were repulsive to the sight, or who had any weakness or imperfection which offended the eyes, of the population. they were tossed in among us, not to be healed, or for repose or safety, but to be out of sight, that they might not disgust or annoy those who were more fortunate, to whom{83} no injury had happened; and because in their sickness and imperfection they were of no use in the studies of the place, and disturbed the good order of the streets. and there they lay one above another, a mass of bruised and broken creatures, most of them suffering from injuries which they had sustained in what would have been called in other regions the service of the state. they had served like myself as objects of experiments. they had fallen from heights where they had been placed, in illustration of some theory. they had been tortured or twisted to give satisfaction to some question. and then, that the consequences of these proceedings might offend no one’s eyes, they were flung into this receptacle, to be released if chance or strength enabled them to push their way out when others were brought in, or when their importunate knocking wearied some watchman, and brought him angry and threatening to hear what was wanted. the sound of this knocking against the door, and of{84} the cries that accompanied it, and the rush towards the opening when any one was brought in, caused a hideous continuous noise and scuffle which was agony to my brain. every one pushed before the other; there was an endless rising and falling as in the changes of a feverish dream, each man as he got strength to struggle forward himself, thrusting back his neighbours, and those who were nearest to the door beating upon it without cease, like the beating of a drum without cadence or measure, sometimes a dozen passionate hands together, making a horrible din and riot. as i lay unable to join in that struggle, and moved by rage unspeakable towards all who could, i reflected strangely that i had never heard when outside this horrible continual appeal of the suffering. in the streets of the city, as i now reflected, quiet reigned. i had even made comparisons on my first entrance, in the moment of pleasant anticipation which came over me, of the happy stillness here, with the horror{85} and tumult of that place of unrule which i had left.

when my thoughts reached this point i was answered by the voice of some one on a level with myself, lying helpless like me on the floor of the lazar-house. ‘they have taken their precautions,’ he said; ‘if they will not endure the sight of suffering, how should they hear the sound of it? every cry is silenced there.’

‘i wish they could be silenced within too,’ i cried savagely; ‘i would make them dumb had i the power.’

‘the spirit of the place is in you,’ said the other voice.

‘and not in you?’ i said, raising my head, though every movement was agony; but this pretence of superiority was more than i could bear.

the other made no answer for a moment: then he said faintly, ‘if it is so, it is but for greater misery.’

and then his voice died away, and the hubbub of beating, and crying, and cursing,{86} and groaning filled all the echoes. they cried, but no one listened to them. they thundered on the door, but in vain. they aggravated all their pangs in that mad struggle to get free. after a while my companion, whoever he was, spoke again.

‘they would rather,’ he said, ‘lie on the roadside to be kicked and trodden on, as we have seen; though to see that made you miserable.’

‘made me miserable! you mock me,’ i said. ‘why should a man be miserable save for suffering of his own?’

‘you thought otherwise once,’ my neighbour said.

and then i remembered the wretch in the corner of the wall in the other town, who had cursed me for pitying him. i cursed myself now for that folly. pity him! was he not better off than i? ‘i wish,’ i cried, ‘that i could crush them into nothing, and be rid of this infernal noise they make!{87}’

‘the spirit of the place has entered into you,’ said that voice.

i raised my arm to strike him; but my hand fell on the stone floor instead, and sent a jar of new pain all through my battered frame. and then i mastered my rage, and lay still, for i knew there was no way but this of recovering my strength,—the strength with which, when i got it back, i would annihilate that reproachful voice, and crush the life out of those groaning fools, whose cries and impotent struggles i could not endure. and we lay a long time without moving, with always that tumult raging in our ears. at last there came into my mind a longing to hear spoken words again. i said, ‘are you still there?’

‘i shall be here,’ he said, ‘till i am able to begin again.’

‘to begin! is there here, then, either beginning or ending? go on: speak to me: it makes me a little forget my pain.’

‘i have a fire in my heart,’ he said; ‘i{88} must begin and begin—till perhaps i find the way.’

‘what way?’ i cried, feverish and eager; for though i despised him, yet it made me wonder to think that he should speak riddles which i could not understand.

he answered very faintly, ‘i do not know.’ the fool! then it was only folly, as from the first i knew it was. i felt then that i could treat him roughly, after the fashion of the place—which he said had got into me. ‘poor wretch!’ i said, ‘you have hopes, have you? where have you come from? you might have learned better before now.’

‘i have come,’ he said, ‘from where we met before. i have come by the valley of gold. i have worked in the mines. i have served in the troops of those who are masters there. i have lived in this town of tyrants, and lain in this lazar-house before. everything has happened to me, more and worse than you dream of.{89}’

‘and still you go on? i would dash my head against the wall and die.’

‘when will you learn,’ he said, with a strange tone in his voice, which, though no one had been listening to us, made a sudden silence for a moment—it was so strange: it moved me like that glimmer of the blue sky in my dream, and roused all the sufferers round with an expectation—though i know not what. the cries stopped, the hands beat no longer. i think all the miserable crowd were still, and turned to where he lay. ‘when will you learn—that you have died, and can die no more?’

there was a shout of fury all round me. ‘is that all you have to say?’ the crowd burst forth: and i think they rushed upon him and killed him: for i heard no more: until the hubbub began again more wild than ever, with furious hands beating, beating, against the locked door.

after a while i began to feel my strength come back. i raised my head. i sat up.{90} i began to see the faces of those around me, and the groups into which they gathered; the noise was no longer so insupportable—my racked nerves were regaining health. it was with a mixture of pleasure and despair that i became conscious of this. i had been through many deaths; but i did not die, perhaps could not, as that man had said. i looked about for him, to see if he had contradicted his own theory. but he was not dead. he was lying close to me, covered with wounds; but he opened his eyes, and something like a smile came upon his lips. a smile—i had heard laughter, and seen ridicule and derision, but this i had not seen. i could not bear it. to seize him and shake the little remaining life out of him was my impulse. but neither did i obey that. again he reminded me of my dream—was it a dream?—of the opening in the clouds. from that moment i tried to shelter him, and as i grew stronger and stronger, and pushed my way to the door, i dragged him along{91} with me. how long the struggle was i cannot tell, or how often i was balked—or how many darted through before me when the door was opened. but i did not let him go; and at the last, for now i was as strong as before—stronger than most about me—i got out into the air and brought him with me. into the air! it was an atmosphere so still and motionless that there was no feeling of life in it, as i have said; but the change seemed to me happiness for the moment. it was freedom. the noise of the struggle was over, the horrible sights were left behind. my spirit sprang up as if i had been born into new life. it had the same effect, i suppose, upon my companion, though he was much weaker than i, for he rose to his feet at once with almost a leap of eagerness, and turned instantaneously towards the other side of the city.

‘not that way,’ i said; ‘come with me and rest.’

‘no rest—no rest—my rest is to go on;’ and then he turned towards me and smiled{92} and said ‘thanks’—looking into my face. what a word to hear! i had not heard it since—— a rush of strange and sweet and dreadful thoughts came into my mind. i shrank and trembled, and let go his arm, which i had been holding. but when i left that hold i seemed to fall back into depths of blank pain and longing. i put out my hand again and caught him. ‘i will go,’ i said, ‘where you go.’

a pair of the officials of the place passed as i spoke. they looked at me with a threatening glance, and half paused, but then passed on. it was i now who hurried my companion along. i recollected him now. he was a man who had met me in the streets of the other city when i was still ignorant, who had convulsed me with the utterance of that name which, in all this world where we were, is never named but for punishment,—the name which i had named once more in the great hall in the midst of my torture, so that all who heard me were transfixed{93} with that suffering too. he had been haggard then, but he was more haggard now. his features were sharp with continual pain, his eyes were wild with weakness and trouble, though there was a meaning in them which went to my heart. it seemed to me that in his touch there was a certain help, though he was weak and tottered, and every moment seemed full of suffering. hope sprang up in my mind—the hope that where he was so eager to go there would be something better, a life more liveable than in this place. in every new place there is new hope. i was not worn out of that human impulse. i forgot the nightmare which had crushed me before—the horrible sense that from myself there was no escape—and holding fast to his arm, i hurried on with him, not heeding where. we went aside into less frequented streets, that we might escape observation. i seemed to myself the guide, though i was the follower. a great faith in this man{94} sprang up in my breast. i was ready to go with him wherever he went, anywhere—anywhere must be better than this. thus i pushed him on, holding by his arm, till we reached the very outmost limits of the city. here he stood still for a moment, turning upon me, and took me by the hands.

‘friend,’ he said, ‘before you were born into the pleasant earth i had come here. i have gone all the weary round. listen to one who knows: all is harder, harder, as you go on. you are stirred to go on by the restlessness in your heart, and each new place you come to the spirit of that place enters into you. you are better here than you will be farther on. you were better where you were at first, or even in the mines than here. come no farther. stay—unless——’ but here his voice gave way. he looked at me with anxiety in his eyes, and said no more.

‘then why,’ i cried, ‘do you go on? why do you not stay?{95}’

he shook his head, and his eyes grew more and more soft. ‘i am going,’ he said, and his voice shook again. ‘i am going—to try—the most awful and the most dangerous journey——’ his voice died away altogether, and he only looked at me to say the rest.

‘a journey? where?’

i can tell no man what his eyes said. i understood, i cannot tell how; and with trembling all my limbs seemed to drop out of joint and my face grow moist with terror. i could not speak any more than he, but with my lips shaped, how? the awful thought made a tremor in the very air around. he shook his head slowly as he looked at me—his eyes, all circled with deep lines, looking out of caves of anguish and anxiety; and then i remembered how he had said, and i had scoffed at him, that the way he sought was one he did not know. i had dropped his hands in my fear; and yet to leave him seemed dragging the heart out of my breast, for none{96} but he had spoken to me like a brother—had taken my hand and thanked me. i looked out across the plain, and the roads seemed tranquil and still. there was a coolness in the air. it looked like evening, as if somewhere in those far distances there might be a place where a weary soul might rest. and i looked behind me, and thought what i had suffered, and remembered the lazar-house and the voices that cried and the hands that beat against the door; and also the horrible quiet of the room in which i lived, and the eyes which looked in at me and turned my gaze upon myself. then i rushed after him, for he had turned to go on upon his way; and caught at his clothes, crying—‘behold me, behold me! i will go too!’

he reached me his hand and went on without a word; and i with terror crept after him, treading in his steps, following like his shadow. what it was to walk with another, and follow, and be at one, is more than i can tell; but likewise my heart{97} failed me for fear, for dread of what we might encounter, and of hearing that name, or entering that presence, which was more terrible than all torture. i wondered how it could be that one should willingly face that which racked the soul, and how he had learned that it was possible, and where he had heard of the way. and as we went on i said no word—for he began to seem to me a being of another kind, a figure full of awe; and i followed as one might follow a ghost. where would he go? were we not fixed here for ever, where our lot had been cast? and there were still many other great cities where there might be much to see, and something to distract the mind, and where it might be more possible to live than it had proved in the other places. there might be no tyrants there, nor cruelty, nor horrible noises, nor dreadful silence. towards the right hand, across the plain, there seemed to rise out of the gray distance a cluster of towers and roofs like another habitable place—and who could{98} tell that something better might not be there? surely everything could not turn to torture and misery. i dragged on behind him, with all these thoughts hurrying through my mind. he was going—i dare to say it now, though i did not dare then—to seek out a way to god; to try, if it was possible, to find the road that led back—that road which had been open once to all. but for me, i trembled at the thought of that road. i feared the name, which was as the plunging of a sword into my inmost parts. all things could be borne but that. i dared not even think upon that name. to feel my hand in another man’s hand was much, but to be led into that awful presence, by awful ways, which none knew—how could i bear it? my spirits failed me, and my strength. my hand became loose in his hand: he grasped me still, but my hold failed, and ever with slower and slower steps i followed, while he seemed to acquire strength with every winding of the way. at length he said to me, looking{99} back upon me, ‘i cannot stop: but your heart fails you. shall i loose my hand and let you go?’

‘i am afraid; i am afraid!’ i cried.

‘and i too am afraid; but it is better to suffer more and to escape than to suffer less and to remain.’

‘has it ever been known that one escaped? no one has ever escaped. this is our place,’ i said, ‘there is no other world.’

‘there are other worlds—there is a world where every way leads to one who loves us still.’

i cried out with a great cry of misery and scorn. ‘there is no love!’ i said.

he stood still for a moment and turned and looked at me. his eyes seemed to melt my soul. a great cloud passed over them, as in the pleasant earth a cloud will sweep across the moon; and then the light came out and looked at me again. for neither did he know. where he was going all might end in despair and double and{100} double pain. but if it were possible that at the end there should be found that for which he longed, upon which his heart was set! he said with a faltering voice—‘among all whom i have questioned and seen there was but one who found the way. but if one has found it, so may i. if you will not come, yet let me go.’

‘they will tear you limb from limb—they will burn you in the endless fires,’ i said. but what is it to be torn limb from limb, or burned with fire? there came upon his face a smile, and in my heart even i laughed to scorn what i had said.

‘if i were dragged every nerve apart, and every thought turned into a fiery dart—and that is so,’ he said; ‘yet will i go, if but, perhaps, i may see love at the end.’

‘there is no love!’ i cried again, with a sharp and bitter cry; and the echo seemed to come back and back from every side, no love! no love! till the man who was my friend faltered and stumbled like{101} a drunken man; but afterwards he recovered strength and resumed his way.

and thus once more we went on. on the right hand was that city, growing ever clearer, with noble towers rising up to the sky, and battlements and lofty roofs, and behind a yellow clearness, as of a golden sunset. my heart drew me there; it sprang up in my breast and sang in my ears, come, and come. myself invited me to this new place as to a home. the others were wretched, but this will be happy: delights and pleasures will be there. and before us the way grew dark with storms, and there grew visible among the mists a black line of mountains, perpendicular cliffs, and awful precipices, which seemed to bar the way. i turned from that line of gloomy heights, and gazed along the path to where the towers stood up against the sky. and presently my hand dropped by my side, that had been held in my companion’s hand; and i saw him no more.{102}

i went on to the city of the evening light. ever and ever, as i proceeded on my way, the sense of haste and restless impatience grew upon me, so that i felt myself incapable of remaining long in a place, and my desire grew stronger to hasten on and on; but when i entered the gates of the city this longing vanished from my mind. there seemed some great festival or public holiday going on there. the streets were full of pleasure-parties, and in every open place (of which there were many) were bands of dancers, and music playing; and the houses about were hung with tapestries and embroideries and garlands of flowers. a load seemed to be taken from my spirit when i saw all this—for a whole population does not rejoice in such a way without some cause. and to think that, after all i had found a place in which i might live and forget the misery and pain which i had known, and all that was behind me, was delightful to my soul. it seemed to me that all the dancers were{103} beautiful and young, their steps went gaily to the music, their faces were bright with smiles. here and there was a master of the feast, who arranged the dances and guided the musicians, yet seemed to have a look and smile for new-comers too. one of these came forward to meet me, and received me with a welcome, and showed me a vacant place at a table, on which were beautiful fruits piled up in baskets, and all the provisions for a meal. ‘you were expected, you perceive,’ he said. a delightful sense of well-being came into my mind. i sat down in the sweetness of ease after fatigue, of refreshment after weariness, of pleasant sounds and sights after the arid way. i said to myself that my past experiences had been a mistake, that this was where i ought to have come from the first, that life here would be happy, and that all intruding thoughts must soon vanish and die away.

after i had rested, i strolled about, and entered fully into the pleasures of the{104} place. wherever i went, through all the city, there was nothing but brightness and pleasure, music playing, and flags waving, and flowers and dancers and everything that was most gay. i asked several people whom i met what was the cause of the rejoicing; but either they were too much occupied with their own pleasures, or my question was lost in the hum of merriment, the sound of the instruments and of the dancers’ feet. when i had seen as much as i desired of the pleasure out of doors, i was taken by some to see the interiors of houses, which were all decorated for this festival, whatever it was—lighted up with curious varieties of lighting, in tints of different colours. the doors and windows were all open, and whosoever would could come in from the dance or from the laden tables, and sit down where they pleased and rest, always with a pleasant view out upon the streets, so that they should lose nothing of the spectacle. and the dresses, both of women and men, were beautiful in form{105} and colour, made in the finest fabrics, and affording delightful combinations to the eye. the pleasure which i took in all i saw and heard was enhanced by the surprise of it, and by the aspect of the places from which i had come, where there was no regard to beauty nor anything lovely or bright. before my arrival here i had come in my thoughts to the conclusion that life had no brightness in these regions, and that whatever occupation or study there might be, pleasure had ended and was over, and everything that had been sweet in the former life. i changed that opinion with a sense of relief, which was more warm even than the pleasure of the present moment; for having made one such mistake, how could i tell that there were not more discoveries awaiting me, that life might not prove more endurable, might not rise to something grander and more powerful? the old prejudices, the old foregone conclusion of earth that this was a world of punishment, had warped{106} my vision and my thoughts. with so many added faculties of being, incapable of fatigue as we were, incapable of death, recovering from every wound or accident as i had myself done, and with no foolish restraint as to what we should or should not do, why might not we rise in this land to strength unexampled, to the highest powers? i rejoiced that i had dropped my companion’s hand, that i had not followed him in his mad quest. some time, i said to myself, i would make a pilgrimage to the foot of those gloomy mountains, and bring him back, all racked and tortured as he was, and show him the pleasant place which he had missed.

in the meantime the music and the dance went on. but it began to surprise me a little that there was no pause, that the festival continued without intermission. i went up to one of those who seemed the masters of ceremony, directing what was going on. he was an old man, with a flowing robe of brocade, and a chain and{107} badge which denoted his office. he stood with a smile upon his lips, beating time with his hand to the music, watching the figure of the dance.

‘i can get no one to tell me,’ i said, ‘what the occasion of all this rejoicing is.’

‘it is for your coming,’ he replied, without hesitation, with a smile and a bow.

for the moment a wonderful elation came over me. ‘for my coming!’ but then i paused and shook my head. ‘there are others coming besides me. see! they arrive every moment.’

‘it is for their coming too,’ he said, with another smile and a still deeper bow; ‘but you are the first as you are the chief.’

this was what i could not understand; but it was pleasant to hear, and i made no further objection. ‘and how long will it go on?’ i said.

‘so long as it pleases you,’ said the old courtier.

{108}

how he smiled! his smile did not please me. he saw this, and distracted my attention. ‘look at this dance,’ he said; ‘how beautiful are those round young limbs! look how the dress conceals yet shows the form and beautiful movements! it was invented in your honour. all that is lovely is for you. choose where you will, all is yours. we live only for this: all is for you.’ while he spoke, the dancers came nearer and nearer till they circled us round, and danced and made their pretty obeisances, and sang: ‘all is yours; all is for you:’ then breaking their lines floated away in other circles and processions and endless groups, singing and laughing till it seemed to ring from every side, ‘everything is yours; all is for you.’

i accepted this flattery i know not why: for i soon became aware that i was no more than others, and that the same words were said to every new-comer. yet my heart was elated, and i threw myself into all that was set before me.{109} but there was always in my mind an expectation that presently the music and the dancing would cease, and the tables be withdrawn, and a pause come. at one of the feasts i was placed by the side of a lady very fair and richly dressed, but with a look of great weariness in her eyes. she turned her beautiful face to me, not with any show of pleasure, and there was something like compassion in her look. she said, ‘you are very tired,’ as she made room for me by her side.

‘yes,’ i said, though with surprise, for i had not yet acknowledged that even to myself. ‘there is so much to enjoy. we have need of a little rest.’

‘of rest,’ said she, shaking her head, ‘this is not the place for rest.’

‘yet pleasure requires it,’ i said, ‘as much as——’ i was about to say pain; but why should one speak of pain in a place given up to pleasure? she smiled faintly and shook her head again. all her movements were languid and faint;{110} her eyelids drooped over her eyes. yet, when i turned to her, she made an effort to smile. ‘i think you are also tired,’ i said.

at this she roused herself a little. ‘we must not say so: nor do i say so. pleasure is very exacting. it demands more of you than anything else. one must be always ready——’

‘for what?’

‘to give enjoyment, and to receive it.’ there was an effort in her voice to rise to this sentiment, but it fell back into weariness again.

‘i hope you receive as well as give,’ i said.

the lady turned her eyes to me with a look which i cannot forget, and life seemed once more to be roused within her. but not the life of pleasure: her eyes were full of loathing, and fatigue, and disgust, and despair. ‘are you so new to this place,’ she said, ‘and have not learned even yet what is the height of all{111} misery and all weariness: what is worse than pain and trouble, more dreadful than the lawless streets and the burning mines, and the torture of the great hall and the misery of the lazar-house——’

‘oh, lady,’ i said, ‘have you been there?’

she answered me with her eyes alone; there was no need of more. ‘but pleasure is more terrible than all,’ she said; and i knew in my heart that what she said was true.

there is no record of time in that place. i could not count it by days or nights: but soon after this it happened to me that the dances and the music became no more than a dizzy maze of sound and sight, which made my brain whirl round and round; and i too loathed what was spread on the table, and the soft couches, and the garlands, and the fluttering flags and ornaments. to sit for ever at a feast, to see for ever the merry-makers turn round and round, to hear{112} in your ears for ever the whirl of the music, the laughter, the cries of pleasure! there were some who went on and on, and never seemed to tire; but to me the endless round came at last to be a torture from which i could not escape. finally, i could distinguish nothing—neither what i heard nor what i saw: and only a consciousness of something intolerable buzzed and echoed in my brain. i longed for the quiet of the place i had left; i longed for the noise in the streets, and the hubbub and tumult of my first experiences. anything, anything rather than this! i said to myself; and still the dancers turned, the music sounded, the bystanders smiled, and everything went on and on. my eyes grew weary with seeing, and my ears with hearing. to watch the new-comers rush in, all pleased and eager, to see the eyes of the others glaze with weariness, wrought upon my strained nerves. i could not think, i could not rest, i could not endure.{113} music for ever and ever—a whirl, a rush of music, always going on and on; and ever that maze of movement, till the eyes were feverish and the mouth parched; ever that mist of faces, now one gleaming out of the chaos, now another, some like the faces of angels, some miserable, weary, strained with smiling, with the monotony, and the endless, aimless, never-changing round. i heard myself calling to them to be still—to be still! to pause a moment. i felt myself stumble and turn round in the giddiness and horror of that movement without repose. and finally, i fell under the feet of the crowd, and felt the whirl go over and over me, and beat upon my brain, until i was pushed and thrust out of the way lest i should stop the measure. there i lay, sick, satiate, for i know not how long; loathing everything around me, ready to give all i had (but what had i to give?) for one moment of silence. but always the music went on, and the dancers danced, and the people{114} feasted, and the songs and the voices echoed up to the skies.

how at last i stumbled forth i cannot tell. desperation must have moved me, and that impatience which, after every hope and disappointment, comes back and back, the one sensation that never fails. i dragged myself at last by intervals, like a sick dog, outside the revels, still hearing them, which was torture to me, even when at last i got beyond the crowd. it was something to lie still upon the ground, though without power to move, and sick beyond all thought, loathing myself and all that i had been and seen. for i had not even the sense that i had been wronged to keep me up, but only a nausea and horror of movement, a giddiness and whirl of every sense. i lay like a log upon the ground.

when i recovered my faculties a little, it was to find myself once more in the great vacant plain which surrounded that accursed home of pleasure—a great and{115} desolate waste upon which i could see no track, which my heart fainted to look at, which no longer roused any hope in me, as if it might lead to another beginning, or any place in which yet at the last it might be possible to live. as i lay in that horrible giddiness and faintness, i loathed life and this continuance which brought me through one misery after another, and forbade me to die. oh that death would come—death which is silent and still, which makes no movement and hears no sound! that i might end and be no more! oh that i could go back even to the stillness of that chamber which i had not been able to endure! oh that i could return—return! to what? to other miseries and other pain, which looked less because they were past. but i knew now that return was impossible until i had circled all the dreadful round; and already i felt again the burning of that desire that pricked and drove me on—not back, for that was impossible. little by little i had learned{116} to understand, each step printed upon my brain as with red-hot irons: not back, but on, and on. to greater anguish, yes; but on: to fuller despair, to experiences more terrible: but on, and on, and on. i arose again, for this was my fate. i could not pause even for all the teachings of despair.

the waste stretched far as eyes could see. it was wild and terrible, with neither vegetation nor sign of life. here and there were heaps of ruin, which had been villages and cities; but nothing was in them save reptiles and crawling poisonous life, and traps for the unwary wanderer. how often i stumbled and fell among these ashes and dust-heaps of the past—through what dread moments i lay, with cold and slimy things leaving their trace upon my flesh—the horrors which seized me, so that i beat my head against a stone,—why should i tell? these were nought; they touched not the soul. they were but accidents of the way.

at length, when body and soul were{117} low and worn out with misery and weariness, i came to another place, where all was so different from the last, that the sight gave me a momentary solace. it was full of furnaces and clanking machinery and endless work. the whole air round was aglow with the fury of the fires, and men went and came like demons in the flames, with red-hot melting metal, pouring it into moulds and beating it on anvils. in the huge workshops in the background there was a perpetual whir of machinery—of wheels turning and turning, and pistons beating, and all the din of labour, which for a time renewed the anguish of my brain, yet also soothed it; for there was meaning in the beatings and the whirlings. and a hope rose within me that with all the forces that were here, some revolution might be possible—something that would change the features of this place and overturn the worlds. i went from workshop to workshop, and examined all that was{118} being done and understood—for i had known a little upon the earth, and my old knowledge came back, and to learn so much more filled me with new life. the master of all was one who never rested, nor seemed to feel weariness, nor pain, nor pleasure. he had everything in his hand. all who were there were his workmen, or his assistants, or his servants. no one shared with him in his councils. he was more than a prince among them—he was as a god. and the things he planned and made, and at which in armies and legions his workmen toiled and laboured, were like living things. they were made of steel and iron, but they moved like the brains and nerves of men. they went where he directed them, and did what he commanded, and moved at a touch. and though he talked little, when he saw how i followed all that he did, he was a little moved towards me, and spoke and explained to me the conceptions that were{119} in his mind, one rising out of another, like the leaf out of the stem and the flower out of the bud. for nothing pleased him that he did, and necessity was upon him to go on and on.

‘they are like living things,’ i said—‘they do your bidding whatever you command them. they are like another and a stronger race of men.’

‘men!’ he said, ‘what are men? the most contemptible of all things that are made—creatures who will undo in a moment what it has taken millions of years, and all the skill and all the strength of generations to do. these are better than men. they cannot think or feel. they cannot stop but at my bidding, or begin unless i will. had men been made so, we should be masters of the world.’

‘had men been made so, you would never have been—for what could genius have done or thought?—you would have been a machine like all the rest.’

‘and better so!’ he said, and turned{120} away; for at that moment, watching keenly as he spoke the action of a delicate combination of movements, all made and balanced to a hair’s-breadth, there had come to him suddenly the idea of something which made it a hundredfold more strong and terrible. for they were terrible these things that lived yet did not live, which were his slaves, and moved at his will. when he had done this, he looked at me, and a smile came upon his mouth: but his eyes smiled not, nor ever changed from the set look they wore. and the words he spoke were familiar words, not his, but out of the old life. ‘what a piece of work is a man!’ he said; ‘how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! and yet to me what is this quintessence of dust?’ his mind had followed another strain of thought, which to me was bewildering, so that i did not know how to reply. i answered like a child, upon his last word.

‘we are dust no more,’ i cried, for{121} pride was in my heart—pride of him and his wonderful strength, and his thoughts which created strength, and all the marvels he did—‘those things which hindered are removed. go on, go on—you want but another step. what is to prevent that you should not shake the universe, and overturn this doom, and break all our bonds? there is enough here to explode this gray fiction of a firmament, and to rend those precipices and to dissolve that waste—as at the time when the primeval seas dried up, and those infernal mountains rose.’

he laughed and the echoes caught the sound and gave it back as if they mocked it. ‘there is enough to rend us all into shreds,’ he said, ‘and shake, as you say, both heaven and earth, and these plains and those hills.’

‘then why,’ i cried in my haste, with a dreadful hope piercing through my soul—‘why do you create and perfect, but never employ? when we had armies on the{122} earth we used them. you have more than armies. you have force beyond the thoughts of man: but all without use as yet.’

‘all,’ he cried, ‘for no use! all in vain!—in vain!’

‘o master!’ i said, ‘great, and more great, in time to come. why?—why?’

he took me by the arm and drew me close.

‘have you strength,’ he said, ‘to bear it if i tell you why?’

i knew what he was about to say. i felt it in the quivering of my veins, and my heart that bounded as if it would escape from my breast. but i would not quail from what he did not shrink to utter. i could speak no word, but i looked him in the face and waited—for that which was more terrible than all.

he held me by the arm, as if he would hold me up when the shock of anguish came. ‘they are in vain,’ he said, ‘in vain—because god rules over all.{123}’

his arm was strong; but i fell at his feet like a dead man.

how miserable is that image, and how unfit to use! death is still and cool and sweet. there is nothing in it that pierces like a sword, that burns like fire, that rends and tears like the turning wheels. o life, o pain, o terrible name of god, in which is all succour and all torment! what are pangs and tortures to that, which ever increases in its awful power, and has no limit, nor any alleviation, but whenever it is spoken penetrates through and through the miserable soul? o god, whom once i called my father! o thou who gavest me being, against whom i have fought, whom i fight to the end, shall there never be anything but anguish in the sound of thy great name?

when i returned to such command of myself as one can have who has been transfixed by that sword of fire, the master stood by me still. he had not fallen like me, but his face was drawn with anguish{124} and sorrow like the face of my friend who had been with me in the lazar-house, who had disappeared on the dark mountains. and as i looked at him, terror seized hold upon me, and a desire to flee and save myself, that i might not be drawn after him by the longing that was in his eyes.

the master gave me his hand to help me to rise, and it trembled, but not like mine.

‘sir,’ i cried, ‘have not we enough to bear? is it for hatred, is it for vengeance, that you speak that name!’

‘o friend,’ he said, ‘neither for hatred nor revenge. it is like a fire in my veins: if one could find him again——!’

‘you, who are as a god—who can make and destroy—you, who could shake his throne!’

he put up his hand. ‘i who am his creature, even here—and still his child, though i am so far, so far——’ he caught my hand in his, and pointed with the other trembling. ‘look! your eyes{125} are more clear than mine, for they are not anxious like mine. can you see anything upon the way?’

the waste lay wild before us, dark with a faintly-rising cloud, for darkness and cloud and the gloom of death attended upon that name. i thought, in his great genius and splendour of intellect, he had gone mad, as sometimes may be. ‘there is nothing,’ i said, and scorn came into my soul; but even as i spoke i saw—i cannot tell what i saw—a moving spot of milky whiteness in that dark and miserable wilderness,—no bigger than a man’s hand, no bigger than a flower. ‘there is something,’ i said unwillingly; ‘it has no shape nor form. it is a gossamer-web upon some bush, or a butterfly blown on the wind.’

‘there are neither butterflies nor gossamers here.’

‘look for yourself then!’ i cried, flinging his hand from me. i was angry with a rage which had no cause. i turned from him, though i loved him, with a desire to{126} kill him in my heart; and hurriedly took the other way. the waste was wild: but rather that than to see the man who might have shaken earth and hell thus turning, turning to madness and the awful journey. for i knew what in his heart he thought, and i knew that it was so. it was something from that other sphere—can i tell you what? a child perhaps—oh, thought that wrings the heart! for do you know what manner of thing a child is? there are none in the land of darkness. i turned my back upon the place where that whiteness was. on, on, across the waste! on to the cities of the night! on, far away from maddening thought, from hope that is torment, and from the awful name!

the above narrative, though it is necessary to a full understanding of the experiences of the little pilgrim in the unseen, does not belong to her personal story in any way, but is drawn from the archives in the heavenly city where all the records of the human race are laid up.