"high-handed outrage at utica"
by artemus ward
bishop fowler and other lecturers and authors have drawn for us beautiful pictures of lincoln reading to his cabinet a chapter in the bible before submitting his draft of the emancipation proclamation. the true story of that incident is related in the foregoing pages. it may be that some readers who are unfamiliar with the now little-read writings of "artemus ward" will be glad to know precisely what it was that the president read on that day; and as the chapter is very short, it will be given herewith.
no form of literature is more evanescent than humor. the fun-loving public of one generation labors hard to discover the reasons why other generations laughed over the old-time jokes. but there are elements in artemus ward that still provoke a smile. the chapter which amused lincoln on that day related to the virtue of a community which would not permit the exhibition of artemus ward's famous wax works because the reproduction of the last supper contained the figure of judas. some reader may need to be told that there was no such show. the author of this and the other burlesques that bore the name of artemus ward (charles f. browne), presented himself in these sketches as a good-natured humbug, running a "highly moral show" with "wax-figgers" and other attractions. he was never so delightful as when disclosing his own shams, as when the mob pulled the hay out of the fat man.
browne's book had a chapter in which he assisted lincoln to form his cabinet. his first assistance was to turn out all the office-seekers by threatening to turn his "boy constrictor" in[pg 308] among them; and then advised mr. lincoln to fill his cabinet with showmen, all of whom were honest and had nary a politic; "for particulars see small bills." this and other chapters delighted lincoln; but the one he read to his cabinet just before presenting the second draft of the emancipation proclamation, was the following:
high-handed outrage at utica
in the faul of 1856, i showed my show in utiky, a trooly grate sitty in the state of new york.
the people gave me a cordyal recepshun. the press was loud in her prases.
1 day as i was giving a description of my beests and snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly fellew walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the lord's supper, and cease judas iscarrot by the feet and drag him onto the ground. he then commenced fur to pound him as hard as he cood.
"what under the son are you abowt?" cried i.
sez he, "what did you brung this pussylanermus cuss here fur?" & he hit the wax figger another tremjis blow on the hed.
sez i, "you egrejes ass, that air's a wax figger—a representashun of the false 'postle."
sez he, "that's all very well fur you to say but i tell you, old man, that judas iscarrot can't show hisself in utiky by a darn site!" with whuch observashun he caved in judassis hed. the young man belonged to 1 of the first famerlies in utiky. i sood him, and the joory brawt in a verdick of arson in the 3rd degree.
