one afternoon, towards two o'clock, my father took his hat, and said to me, in rather a mysterious tone:

"i must go out on an errand. i'll be back in a moment."

half an hour later i became aware of shuffling going on outside my door. somebody knocked.

"come in!"

a little boy, dressed in black, appeared on the threshold. my heart gave a bound. that prominent forehead, where fair curls rolled, that straight, brilliant gaze. victor! victor, at five years old. victor as he had been when my eyes had opened on him as a little child.

it was his son—little robert.

behind him was my sister-in-law. she came straight up to my bed, and bent down, raising her long widow's veil. we kissed each other, and i demanded my little niece brigitte, who was shy and was burying her face in her mother's skirts.

the conversation immediately started off, quite naturally and delightfully, free of its whilom reserve. we ingenuously confessed that we had learnt to know each other, and how we had felt the mutual affection grow, in the course of these terrible months.

[pg 501]

madeleine had come to stay at vichy for a few days.

"we will give you new courage," she said.

"i'm not lacking in it! you're the one who needs it, poor little sister."

"oh! i have enough for three."

it was true enough. i was struck by her spirit of determination. and i had thought her in danger of giving way entirely beneath the blow. she spoke of nothing but the future; of her plans; of the education of her children. she thought of going to live at versailles: the rents were not so high there as in paris, they would be near the town, and the lycée hoche. for she wanted to keep robert with her, in order that the whole family should cling together.

as my eyes were again drawn irresistibly to the little boy, she said: "isn't he like——"

she did not complete the sentence. tears pearled on her eyelashes. it was one of the few allusions she allowed herself, to her great sorrow.

i told her that her children would find a second father in me.

"he counted on it," she assured me.

and she showed me a note which victor had written before leaving st. mihiel; a few lines in which he confided those dearest to him on earth, to my charge. what instinct warned him that he would fall; that i should be preserved?

i reverently welcomed this sacred bequest. when my father had gone i should be the head of the family. new duties which i hailed with delight. and in a short time, i said to myself, madeleine would find in jeannine a friend, more than a friend. i think that if we had been alone it would have been to her, first of all, that i should have revealed my secret.

[pg 502]

those were calm days perfumed by sympathy and friendship. i had to tell the story of my campaign in full detail. not even the children seemed bored as they listened.

dear mites they were! too quiet and good. i sent to a neighbouring bazaar for some toys for them. then i drew up a plan for the future.

i asked my sister-in-law what she meant to do for the winter. it was impossible for her to go back home. the enemy had just laid hands on st. mihiel.

"stay in paris," she said.

"how depressing that would be!"

i pretended to be seized with a sudden inspiration. "suppose we all went off to the riviera for a time, for a rest?"

the suggestion was carried unanimously. it was a landmark set up.... to draw all my belongings down there. it seemed to me that in accompanying me, they would share my joy. as for me—could i hesitate? the landrys' departure for antibes, seriously delayed by certain complications, was fixed for the following month. i had reminded jeannine of her promise to come round by the bourbon line. the matter was arranged.

i fondly imagined that i should have recovered by that date. bujard spoke to me every day of the marvellous apparatus which was to disguise my misfortune.

my sister left again with her children, recalled to paris by various purchases and other matters. the sweetness she had brought with her persisted. those were radiant days.

i began to get up. first a foot out of bed, nothing[pg 503] more. my father who was still vigorous lent me the support of his arm. my head swam when i stood up. i was just able to reach an arm-chair, and doubted whether my strength could ever come back. i was especially bewildered by the strange lack of equilibrium.

i held the crutches in abhorrence. i should never get accustomed to that. directly it was possible, bujard brought me a wooden stump. frightful! however, it was a way of progressing. my left leg was able to get exercise, and regain strength, little by little. i walked up and down the landings, and the hotel garden.

i was measured for a jointed limb. bujard had told me of an american firm which was supplying both groups of belligerents, so he assured me. i sent my order to them.

the delay demanded had seemed to me very reasonable. but, when i first began to go into the town i fell a prey to the embarrassing compassion of the passers-by. they nudged each other, when they met me.

"another one!"

"poor fellow!"

i, who aspired to losing myself in the crowd, like other people!

i happened just then to come across the prospectus of an english firm, which offered to provide the whole thing complete in a fortnight, at a price defying all competition!

"a hoax!" bujard warned me.

it couldn't be helped. i was consumed with impatience. i wrote, enclosing my cheque. we should see. it would be well worth the twelve pounds it would cost me.

[pg 504]

those were happy weeks, i repeat. i went before a board; i was passed, and left the hospital. i was free! and had the satisfaction of feeling that i had paid my debt to the full.

i wrote letters, and received them. madeleine wrote me jewels of sisterly affection. guillaumin, for his part, sent me picturesque epistles. they had had a rough time again, at the beginning of october, round champieu and de roye.

since then, trench warfare had been inaugurated: they were settling down for the winter. there was not a word of complaint, simply the tranquil and delightful keenness he had always shown. the morale of the men was intact. and they had had so few casualties during the last five weeks. they were well fed. the only drawback was the lack of heating arrangements!

i replied to him at length, and sent a real letter, too, to each man who had signed the collective post-card which i have already mentioned.

i asked my sister-in-law to go and call on guillaumin's sister in the little flat she had in the gobelins. they talked for a whole hour about him and me, like firm friends; and madeleine managed to procure some piano lessons for the other—a real feat!

the postal arrangements had improved considerably. neither jeannine nor i lost any time. directly a letter arrived—quick!—the answer was written. our eagerness was more intense than ever.

the german offensive in the north had not come to an end. the fighting round ypres had caused us a recurrence of anguish. my father had another attack one evening when we once more thought—from reticences in the communiqué—that our line had been[pg 505] forced and penetrated, and that the road to calais was open.

a few words from jeannine—a supplementary card, that one—were what reassured us, before all the papers. an aide-de-camp from foch had just been dining with them, and had given them details. the situation had been critical, desperate, one day, but it had been tardily re-established the next day, and was now consolidated, and no longer gave any cause for alarm.

i read the whole passage to my father. he gave a sigh of relief.

"we are saved, then! the source of your information seems reliable. is it one of your friends, who's written to you?"

"a friend, yes."

later on, quite soon, it would be sweet to open my heart to him, to claim his blessing on the daughter i should bring him.

the landrys had again put off the date of their departure. jeannine gave me to understand, with a certain emphasis, that some business matters could not be settled. i had the delicacy never to ask for details.

this delay suited me very well. i would have given a lot for them not to join us before the ghastly "stump" had been relegated to the rubbish heap. jeannine had, perhaps, guessed as much.

oh! our correspondence at that point. i cannot prevent myself from returning to the subject. its tone of complete confidence, of youthful abandonment. oh! my loving beloved; arrayed in every attraction, who did not intoxicate me solely by the enchantment of her clear life and warm seduction, nor solely by the[pg 506] goodness which all her being irradiated. she was the intellectual companion, too—the complement, for which man's instinct yearns, and which he discovers so rarely.

sometimes, after having come into collision with my father who could not be shaken in his opinions, i would turn to her in delight and admire her broader outlook. for instance, he did not desire, or even admit, the possibility of peace or a truce before the enemy had been completely crushed. according to him, the necessary conditions of the future treaty were that the central powers should be dismembered; large territories annexed; and our frontier extended as far as the rhine. the brutal law of force. the vanquished must bow his head. while, as for her it must be noted that she cursed the cruel blindness of the teuton caste which provoked the catastrophe just as much as i did. but she followed me—far better than that—she boldly out-stripped me in my desire simply for the repression of a minor race, in my wish for the future re-establishment of concord among all nations, not excepting even that one. did she not want to convince me that each great race in turn let itself be ensnared by the mirage of universal hegemony. look at us, under napoleon! in fifty or a hundred years, we should see these germans rallied to our republican wisdom.

what joy i experienced in playing lightly upon all the chords of this young soul, in hearing each one of them vibrate in harmony with me.

i will quote one touching incident. she it was who sent me, by telegram, too, the text of my promotion, as it appeared in the gazette on november the 23rd. so that was why she had sounded me so[pg 507] dexterously for a long time now. i had told her what i knew, what my captain proposed. i thought no more about it, instead of which, she had studied the lists for weeks and weeks, with the perseverance of a woman in love.

the english firm fulfilled their contract, the order was delivered on the promised date. bujard shook his head when he examined it. just as he had expected. a ready-made model!

as for me, the apparatus attracted me. i put it on hurriedly, and having pulled on my trousers, went and planted myself in front of the wardrobe looking-glass, which no longer reflected the former, monstrous and incomplete apparition. upright and firmly planted on my feet, and well-balanced, i admired myself, restored to my manly dignity. now, jeannine might come! i could not help telling her of the joy which was running over in me. i jokingly told her that i had to think before being sure which leg was missing.

she replied with the announcement that they were to start on their journey in a few days.

the fulness of life! the rapture of it! i was about to attain my supreme end, and was exalted by the prospect of it. the time was accomplished. i had escaped the wind of death which had felled so many others. the war might still be in progress—i must ask pardon for this return of egoism!—at a time when my brothers were still suffering and perishing, i awaited, with heart enthralled, the coming of my betrothed.

how strange is destiny. i looked back upon the weeks spent, not so very long ago, beside this girl. i[pg 508] had not had an inkling, then, of what she was to be to me. how fantastic it seemed that i should be beholden to that brutal separation. how near i had come to neglecting happiness!

but for the war——!

i dared to look this terrible truth in the face. thus are hearts tempered anew. i had had to undergo the dread ordeal by fire, which consumes the greater number, whence a few issue, purified.