to

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{312}

scene i

{313} in guy fallon’s garden

katya. what you have never understood, dear, is that mamma is terribly indelicate. proper people nearly always are.

mariana. yes, but.... how can she?

katya. i don’t know. but she’s doing it now, this very minute. imagine guy’s blushes.

mariana. poor guy! but, really, if it’s any one’s duty to ask him, surely it’s yours?

katya. but i have asked him! he always says no. he detests children—or, at least, he says he does. it’s a disease with mamma. “how i should like to hold a grandchild on my knee ... the patter of its little feet ... its first childish attempts to talk ... its soft smooth cheeks.” that’s how she goes on. really, she embarrasses even me.

mariana. well, i s’pose it’s only natural. but what does your papa say?

katya. oh, it hasn’t got as far as that; i hope it never will. you see, mamma will only amuse guy; papa would make him angry. after all, dear, it’s very soon. and you must remember that even mamma only had one.

mariana. ’m yes. she needn’t talk, need she?

katya. but she does. she has asked me all sorts of questions about guy.

mariana. yes? what sort of questions?

katya. mariana! as if i’d tell you!

mariana. do—please!

katya. can’t you guess?{314}

mariana. i’ve tried—hard. but, you see, i know so little about these things. in fact, i know nothing at all.

katya. these things?

mariana. well, you know what i mean.

katya. oh! you might mean anything.

mariana. i do.

katya. if you were married, now, i might.

mariana. i should love to be there, listening.

katya. it’s a grandson she wants. she’ll order it from guy. and he will look so awfully solemn and feel so frightfully tickled.

mariana. oh, i do wish i was married. it must be so tremendously—well, exciting. so unexpected, you know—the things that happen, i mean.

katya. well, it is rather wonderful at first. i have a friend in brussels—elise deschamps. the other day she wrote me such a funny letter. she wanted to know whether she ought to behave just naturally or pretend to be shy.

mariana. and what did you say?

katya. what could i say?

mariana. really, katya, you’re frightfully exasperating. you always seem to be on the point of telling me things, but you never do.

katya. well, there’s nothing to tell—nothing, that is, that you don’t know already.

mariana. oh, how dreadfully disappointing! isn’t there really more in it than that?

katya. than what?

mariana. than what i know already.

katya. but what do you know?

{315}

* * *

scene ii

in guy fallon’s library

mrs. kontorompa. i was just saying the same thing as i came upstairs. “what an exquisite day!” that’s what i was saying.

guy. but a trifle too hot.

mrs. k. ye—es. [a long pause.] oh yes, quite.

guy. seen katya?

mrs. k. i waved my hand to her in the garden as i came up the drive.... how is katya, guy?

guy. tophole.

mrs. k. [significantly.] have you anything to tell me about—well, about katya?

guy. let me see, now.... n-no; i think not. she bought three new hats yesterday, but i haven’t seen them yet.

mrs. k. what i meant was.... well, it’s no use beating about the bush—how is she?

guy. but i’ve already told you, mamma. she has the appetite of a horse.

mrs. k. nothing at all? well—quite?... no sign that?... you know!

guy. i wish i did. what is it you want me to tell you?

mrs. k. just the truth—the honest, simple truth.

guy. [wilfully misunderstanding her.] oh, your {316}new toque! how stupid i am! i think it’s simply splendid. but you always do look nice in pink.

mrs. k. [beaming.] how sweet of you, guy! but that wasn’t it.... have you ever considered, guy, that i should like to be a grandmother?

guy. no. would you really? really and truly?

mrs. k. yes, guy. the patter of little feet, the ... the soft, smooth cheeks....

guy. but i detest children.

mrs. k. ah! you’ll never make me believe that. no good man hates children.

guy. no, i s’pose not. but then, mamma, i’m not good. i remember that when i was a boy....

mrs. k. but poor katya! consider her. consider me.

guy. in what way?

mrs. k. you—you know perfectly well what i mean. if i could only be the grandmother of one child—well, that would be something, wouldn’t it?

guy. it would be a great deal.

mrs. k. for my part, i had four brothers and three sisters. my grandmother had seventy-three grandchildren.

guy. yes, people were very thorough half a century ago. quite like the old testament.

mrs. k. but you will promise, won’t you?

guy. {317}do you know, mamma, you have the manner of being most direct and open, but as a matter of fact you are speaking in riddles. now, tell me—what is it you want me to promise you?

mrs. k. i don’t quite know.

guy. i thought you didn’t.

mrs. k. you see, katya is so reticent in these matters. but you’ll do your best, i’m sure. to win over katya, i mean. that is, if it is katya.

guy. who is to blame, you mean?

mrs. k. oh, i shouldn’t say “blame.” although if it goes on much longer, i may. but you’ll think it over, eh? that is the most i can expect at our first interview on this subject.

guy. there are to be others?

mrs. k. if necessary.

guy. but, mamma, you don’t know how much at sea i feel. as a matter of fact, i’m not absolutely certain that we’re both talking about the same thing. will you tell me what you have been talking about?

mrs. k. n-no. you tell me first.

guy. i daren’t.

mrs. k. that’s it! we are talking about the same thing. i felt sure we were.

guy. well, so long as you’re satisfied, mamma....

mrs. k. i shall look forward to it with the greatest pleasure. you see, you’ve got such a big house. i should have this room, if i were you. bars across the windows, and so on.

guy. but the stairs!

mrs. k. a little wicket ga{318}te on the landing. they begin to prowl about quite early. i remember katya eighteen years ago—always on her hands and knees!

guy. she’s in the garden with mariana.

mrs. k. yes, i saw her.... well, then, that’s settled.

guy. one can only do what one can.

mrs. k. yes, win her over, guy: win her over.

* * *

scene iii

in guy fallon’s garden

mrs. kontorompa. what an exquisite day! how do you do?

mariana. how do you do? yes, isn’t it?

guy. we’ve been talking, katya.

katya. yes?... i think the fuchsias are better than ever this year, don’t you, mamma?

mrs. k. yes, darling. oh, katya, i am so pleased.

katya. how nice, mamma! i like you to be happy. but what has happened?

mrs. k. oh—er—nothing. nothing that i know of. but guy has promised to....

mariana. i’m afraid i must be really going now, katya, dear.

mrs. k. oh, don’t run away just because i’ve come.

mariana. oh, mrs. kontorompa, it wasn’t that. but, you see..{319}..

katya. mariana feels embarrassed.

mariana. oh—no, dear: why should i?

guy. you felt that mamma was going to say something.

mrs. k. yes—that’s quite right. you’ve reminded me. katya, i was going to say that guy has promised to....

guy. to do my best to....

mrs. k. win you over.

katya. me? win me over? to what?

guy. bars on the window—a wicket-gate on the landing.

katya. but i am won over. i always have been.

mrs. k. then it is your fault, guy.

guy. if i’d only known! you see, you never told me.

mariana. how mysterious all this sounds.

mrs. k. well, mariana, this is how it stands. you see, guy and katya have been married three years and....

mariana. oh yes: quite. i understand. good-bye, mrs. kontorompa. good-bye, katya. goo....

guy. really, mamma.

katya. really, mamma.

mrs. k. oh, dear, dear! what have i said?

katya. ah, here’s tea coming!

mrs. k. oh, i can’t stop. i must hurry home and tell papa the good news. so very satisfactory! these modern times—the things people do. don’t they, dear?

mariana. and don’t do, too.{320}

mrs. k. yes. well, guy, i keep you to your word. i shall expect to hear some news shortly. good-bye, dear katya. so satisfactory. take care of yourself, dear.

guy. why, what has happened, katya?

katya. nothing. mother merely anticipates.