jenny’s son lived six weeks—exactly forty-four days and a half, she said bitterly to herself, thinking again and again of the short time she had felt really happy.
she did not cry for the first days after his death, but she could not leave the dead child, and sat moaning deep down in her throat and taking it in her arms to caress it:
“darling little boy—mother’s pretty little boy, you must not go—i cannot let you go. can’t you see i want you so?”
the child was tiny and feeble at birth, but jenny and mrs. schlessinger had both thought he was thriving and making good progress. then one morning he fell ill, and by midday it was all over.
after the funeral she started to cry, and could not stop; for weeks afterwards she sobbed unceasingly night and day. she fell ill herself too; inflammation of the breasts developed, and mrs. schlessinger had to send for the doctor, who performed an operation. the despair of her soul, together with the pains of her body, gave her many a dreadful, delirious night.
mrs. schlessinger slept in the adjoining room, and on hearing her cries of agony, rushed in and sat down by the bed, comforting her, stroking her thin, clammy hands with her own fat, warm ones, and coaxing and lecturing her a little. it was god’s will, and was probably much better for the boy and for her too—still so young as she was. mrs. schlessinger had lost two children herself—little bertha when she was two years old, and wilhelm at fourteen, such a dear boy too—yet they were born in wedlock and should have been the support and comfort of her old age. but this little one would only have been a chain round the feet of the fr?ulein who was so young[247] and pretty. he had been very dear and sweet, the little angel, and it was very hard....
mrs. schlessinger had lost her husband too, and many of the young ladies who had stayed in her house had seen their little ones die; some of them had been pleased, others had put their babies out to nurse at once so as to get rid of them. it was not nice, of course, but what could one do? some had cried and wailed as jenny did, but they got over it in time, and married and settled down happily afterwards. but a despair like fr?ulein’s she had never yet witnessed.
mrs. schlessinger suspected in her heart that her patient’s despair was caused to a great extent by the departure of the cousin first to dresden and then to italy just about the time the boy died. but that is exactly what they always did—the men.
the memory of those maddening, agonizing nights was ever afterwards associated with the picture of mrs. schlessinger sitting on the stool by her bed while the light rays from the lamp were refracted in the tears dropping from her small, kind eyes on to her round red cheeks. and her mouth, which did not stop talking for a second, her little grey plait of hair, the white night-jacket trimmed with pointed lace, and her petticoat of grey and pink stripped flannel scalloped at the bottom. and the small room with plaster medallions in brass frames.
she had written to heggen about her great joy, and he had replied saying he would have loved to come and have a look at the boy, but the journey was long and expensive and he was on the point of starting for italy. he sent his best wishes to her and the little prince, hoping to welcome them both in italy soon. at the time of the child’s death heggen was in dresden and sent her a long and sympathetic letter.
as soon as she was well enough to write she sent a few lines to gert, giving him her address, but asking him not to come and see them until the spring, when baby would be big and pretty.[248] only his mother could see now that he was lovely. she wrote him a longer letter when she was up and about again.
on the day the child was buried she wrote telling gram in a few words of her loss, informing him of her intention to go south the same evening, and asking him not to expect to hear from her until she was more like herself again. “do not worry about me,” she wrote. “i am fairly composed now, but hopelessly miserable, of course.”
her letter crossed one from gert, who wrote:
“my dearest jenny,—thank you for your last letter. i see that you reproach yourself because of your relations to me; my dear little girl, i have nothing to reproach you for, so you must not do it yourself. you have never been anything but kind and sweet and loving to your friend, and i shall never forget your tenderness and affection during the short time you loved me—your charming youth, your gentle devotion in the days of our short happiness.
“we ought to have known, both of us, that it would be short. i certainly ought to have understood, and if you had reflected you might have known too, but do two people, who are attracted by one another, ever reflect? do you think i reproach you because one day you ceased to love me and caused me the greatest suffering in my far from happy life—a twofold suffering when i learnt simultaneously that our relations would have consequences which you would have to bear all through life?
“from your letter i see too that those consequences, which have probably been a much greater source of despair to me than to you, in spite of all you may have experienced of worry and bodily suffering, have brought a deeper joy and happiness than anything else in all your life—that the joy of being a mother gives you peace, satisfaction, and courage to live, and that with your child in your arms you think you will have[249] strength to meet all difficulties, economic as well as social, which the future may place in the way of a young woman in your position. it gives me more pleasure than you think to read it. it is to me a fresh proof that the eternal justice, which i have never doubted, exists. to you, who made a mistake because your heart was warm and tender and thirsting for love, this very mistake, which has caused you so many agonizing hours, will in the end bring you all you have sought, in a better, finer, and purer degree than ever you dreamt of, now that your heart is filled with love for your child. and it will increase as he grows and begins to know his mother, to cling to her, and to return her love with a stronger, more profound and conscious affection as the years go by.
“and to me, who received your love, although i should have known that love between us was impossible and unnatural, to me these months have brought indescribable suffering and sorrow and—emptiness. you have no idea, jenny, how i miss you, your youth, your beauty, the bliss of your love; and every memory of it all is embittered by repentance, an insistent questioning: how could i let her do it? how could i accept it—how believe in the possibility of happiness for myself with her? i did believe it, jenny, however mad it may sound, because i felt young when i was with you. remember that i forfeited my own youth when i was much younger than you; the happiness of work and the happiness of love in youth have never been mine, and it was all my own fault. and this was retribution! my dead youth came back to life when i met you; in my heart i did not feel older than you. nothing is more terrible in life than for a man to be old while his heart is still young.
“you write that you wish me to come some day when the boy has grown a little, to see you and our child. what a preposterous thought—our child! do you know what constantly comes into my mind? the old joseph on the italian altar[250] paintings. you will remember that he is always standing in the background, or on one side, sadly and tenderly contemplating the divine child and its young and beautiful mother, who are absorbed in each other and do not notice his presence. don’t misunderstand me, dear jenny; i know that the little child lying in your lap is also flesh and blood of mine, but, when i think of you as a mother, i cannot help feeling myself out in the cold like poor old joseph.
“you must not hesitate to accept my name as my wife and the protection it would give you and the child any more than mary hesitated to submit herself to the care of joseph. and i do not consider it quite right towards the child to rob it of its father’s name, to which it has a right, however much confidence you may have in yourself. it goes without saying that in such a marriage you would remain as free and independent as before, and that it could be legally dissolved whenever you wished. i beg of you to think it over. we might go through the ceremony abroad, and a few months afterwards steps might be taken to obtain a divorce, if that is your wish; you need not come back to norway, nor even live under the same roof with me at all.
“there is not much to tell about myself. i have two small rooms in this part of the country, not far from the place where i was born and lived till i was ten years old. from my window i can see the tops of the two big chestnut trees standing at the entrance to the home of my childhood. they look very much the same as they did then. up here the evenings are beginning to be long and light and spring like, and their naked brown branches stand outlined against the pale green sky, where a few solitary stars glitter in the sharp, clear air. evening after evening i sit by my window staring in the same direction, dreaming and recalling to memory my whole life. how could i ever forget, jenny dear, that between you and me there was a whole life almost twice as long as yours, and more[251] than half of it spent in incessant humiliation, defeat, and sorrow?
“that you think of me without anger and bitterness is more than i dared to hope and expect, and to read your joy between every line of your letter has given me the greatest satisfaction. may god bless and help you and the child, and grant you all the happiness i wish for both of you.
“my fondest love is yours, dear jenny—you who were once mine.—your devoted,
gert gram.”
