“happy the man, who void of cares and strife,
in silken or in leathern purse retains
a splendid shilling! he nor hears with pain
new oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale;
but i, whom griping penury surrounds,
and hunger, sure attendant upon want,
with scanty offal and small acid tiff,
wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain!
or solitary walk, or dose at home
in garret vile!”
talking over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the preceding day—“on my conscience!” exclaimed tallyho, “were the antediluvian age restored, and we daily perambulated the streets of this immense metropolis during a hundred years to come, i firmly believe that every hour would bring a fresh accession of incident.”
“ad infinitum,” answered dashall; “where happiness is the goal in view, and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the manouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an interesting and boundless variety. london,
“. . . the needy villain's general home,
the common sewer of paris and of rome!”
where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth—where folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent obscurity.—allons donc!—another ramble, and chance may probably illustrate my observation.”
“take notice,” said the discriminating dashall to his friend, as they reached the mall in st. james's park, “of that solitary knight of the woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote disappointment and privation;—ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian [328] shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a distressed poet.”
the object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have attained the age of fifty, or more—a bat that had once been black—a scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear—a striped waistcoat—his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something resembling trowsers, but “a world too wide for his shrunk shanks”—short gaiters—shoes in the last stage of consumption—whiskers of full dimensions—his head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey hair: such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity!
the two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the stranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach.
the silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by tom, who, with his usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on the common topic of weather, et cetera, without eliciting in reply more than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, “you have seen some service, sir?”
“yes.”
“in the army, i presume?”
“no.”
“under government?”
“yes.”
“in the navy, probably?”
“no.”
“i beg your pardon,” continued dashall—“my motives originate not in idle inquisitiveness; if i can be of any service———”
the stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. “i ask not from impertinent curiosity,” resumed dashall, “neither would i wish indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate.”
“sir,” said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and freedom of communication—“i am inexpressibly indebted for the honour of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that i am a literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently inaccessible.”
[329] here tallyho interrupted the narrator by asking—whence it was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, precarious, and unproductive?
“necessity,” was the reply. “during a period of eight years, i performed
the duties as senior clerk of an office under government; four years
ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its
subordinate dependents; and thus i became one of the twenty thousand
distressed beings in london, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing
where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a
dinner!”{1} 1 the following calculation, which is curious in all its
parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:—
the aggregate population on the surface of the known
habitable globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. if
therefore we reckon with the ancients, that a generation
lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000,000,000 human beings
will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping
into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every
minute, and more than one every second. of these
1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be pagans,
160,000,000 mahomedans, 9,000,000 jews, only 175,000,000 are
called christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are
protestants.
there are in london 502 places of worship—one cathedral,
one abbey, 114 churches, 132 chapels and chapels of ease,
220 meet-ings and chapels for dissenters, 43 chapels for
foreigners, and 6 synagogues for jews. about 4050 public and
private schools, including inns of courts, colleges, &c.
about 8 societies for morals; 10 societies for learning and
arts; 112 asylums for sick and lame; 13 dispensaries, and
704 friendly societies. charity distributed ￡800,000 per
annum.
there are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one
year: the annual depredations amount to about ￡2,100,000.
there are 19 prisons, and 5204 alehouses within the bills of
mortality. the amount of coin counterfeited is ￡200,000 per
annum. forgeries on the bank of england in the year
￡150,000. about 3000 receivers of stolen goods. about 10,000
servants at all times out of place. above 20,000 miserable
individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by
what means they are to be supported during the passing day,
or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the
succeeding night.
london consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and
lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs;
7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000
acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for
fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals;
1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of
spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine;
17,000,000 pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese;
14,500 boat loads of cod.
[330] “may i ask,” said mr. dashall, “from what species of literary composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?”
“from puffing—writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculative and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations; for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of jet or japan blacking—the wonderful effects of tyrian-dye and macassar oil in producing a luxuriant growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly scattered and hoary fragments of age to the redundant and auburn tresses of youth—shewing forth that the “riding master to his late majesty upwards of thirty years, and professor of the royal menage of hanover, sets competition at defiance, and that all who dare presume to rival the late professor of the royal menage of hanover, are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally undeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public! in fact, sir, i am reduced to this occasional humiliating employment, derogatory certainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach of famine. i write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, and illustrate each subject by incontrovertible facts, with appropriate incident and interesting anecdote.”
“and these facts,” observed bob tallyho, “respectably authenticated?”
“by no means,” answered the poet; “nor is it necessary, nobody takes the trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and the fertility of his invention.”
“on the same theme, does not there exist,” asked dashall, “a difficulty in giving it the appearance of variety?”
“certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when i assure you, that i have written for a certain blacking manufacturer above two hundred different productions on the subject of his unparalleled jet, each containing fresh incident, and very probably fresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more! but the misfortune is, that every thing is left to my invention, and the remuneration is of a very trifling nature for such mental labour: besides, it has frequently happened that the toil has proved unavailing—the production is rejected—the anticipated half-crown remains in the accumulating coffers of the blacking-manufacturer, and the author returns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, if fortune at last befriends him, he probably may breakfast dine and sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour in the evening!” [331] “and,” exclaimed the feeling dashall, “this is real life in london!”
“with me actually so,” answered the poet.
the blacking-maker's laureat now offered to the perusal of his sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode of composition:—
pug in armour;
or,
the garrison alarmed.
“whoe'er on the rock of gibraltar has been,
a frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen
assailing each stranger with volleys of stones,
as if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones!
a monkey one day took his turn as a scout,
and gazing his secret position about,
a boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd,
by w * * * *n's jet; blacking transcendently grac'd;
and, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection,
he cautiously ventured on closer inspection.
the gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin,
thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within,
he pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout,
head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out;
and thus he seem'd cas'd—from his head to his tail,
in suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail!
erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion,
it stalk'd; on the sentry impressing a notion
that this hostile figure, of non-descript form,
the fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm!
now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls—
“a legion of devils are scaling the walls!”
the guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms,
signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms;
and governor then, and whole garrison, ran
to meet the dread foe in this minikin man!
“a man—'tis a monkey!” mirth loudly exclaim'd,
and peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd;
and pug was released, the strange incident backing
the merits, so various, of w* * * *n's jet blacking.”
[332] this trifle, well enough for the purpose, was honoured with approbation.
the two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the poet by a premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at his lodgings in the evening.
“i would not, were i a bricklayer's labourer,” exclaimed bob, “exchange situations with this unfortunate literary hack—this poor devil of mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded by liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the sordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of benevolence!—but let us hope that few such cases of genius in adversity occur, even in this widely extended and varied scene of human vicissitude.”
“that hope,” replied his cousin, “is founded on
“the baseless fabric of a vision!”
there are, at this moment, thousands in london of literary merit, of whom we may truly say,
“chill penury repress their noble rage,
and freeze the genial current of the soul!”
men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded obscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable requisites, or obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent ignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just been informed, even of blacking manufacturers!
“but here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last; and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the principal retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior clerk and his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or starve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and education, the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the hand of famine in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret; or, what is worse than either, consigned to linger out their remaining wretched [333] days under the “cold reluctant charity” of a parish workhouse.{1}
“when the principal of a public-office has battened for many years on his liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those of occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his salary on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out in pensions to those disbanded clerks by whose indefatigable exertions the business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted? these allowances, however inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all the comforts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of absolute destitution.”
a pause ensued—dashall continued in silent rumination—a few moments brought our heroes to the horse guards; and as the acquirement “devoutly to be wished” was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, they proceeded to the observance of real life in a suttling house.
child's suttling house at the horse guards is the almost exclusive resort of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervals between duty, drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint.
“to fight their battles o'er again,
thrice to conquer all their foes,
and thrice to slay the slain.”
in the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified inscription, in legible characters on the door, of “the non-commissioned officers' room.” in front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, and appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the private men; and passing through the bar, looking into whitehall, is the sanctum sanctorum, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the golden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, serjeant-majors and serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants of paymasters and adjutants' clerks, et cetera. into this latter apartment our accomplished friends were ushered with becoming
1 “swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye
o'er the deserted being, poor and old,
whom cold reluctant parish-charity
consigns to mingle with his kindred mold.”
—charlotte smith.
[334] respect to their superior appearance, at the moment when a warm debate was carrying on as to the respective merits of the deceased napoleon and the hero of waterloo.
the advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: the adherent to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a colour-serjeant of the foot guards, and was decorated with a waterloo medal, conspicuously suspended by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his jacket; and of this honourable badge the possessor seemed not less vain than if he had been adorned with the insignia of the most noble order of the garter.
“i contend, and i defy the universe to prove the contrary,” exclaimed the pertinacious serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, “that the duke of wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or hereafter may exist!”
“by no means,” answered the civilian. “i admit, so far as a thorough knowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victory constitutes greatness, his grace of wellington to be a great hero, but certainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter may exist!” “is there a greater man? did there ever exist a greater?—when and where?” the serjeant impatiently demanded.
“buonaparte was a greater,” answered the opposing disputant; “because to military renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although his actions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is the human being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and sustained, in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of france, till crushed by the union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterion of greatness, who was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, emerging from obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energies to the highest elevation of human glory; and who, this island excepted, commanded the destinies of all europe! the most determined of his enemies will not deny, calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he possessed unrivalled talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause you so vehemently espouse, would, i have no doubt, be the foremost in acknowledging.”
in deficiency of argument, the serjeant resorted to invective; the vociferous disputation reached the next [335] room, and was taken up by the rank and file in a manner not less tumultuous; when an honest native of the “emerald isle” good-humouredly terminated the war of words, calling for half a quartern of gin, with which to qualify a pint of whitbread's entire.
“to the immortal memory of st. patrick, and long life to him!” exclaimed patrick o'shaughnessy. “if there did not exist but them two selves, bad luck to the spalpeen who will say that the duke and my lord londondery would not be the greatest men in the universe!”
this sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the d?mon of discord again made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, who, hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the fireplace, had escaped observation.
dashall and his cousin emerging from the sanctum sanctorum, where their presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of discussion, had just seated themselves in the room allotted to the private soldiers, when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaid taciturn gentleman, selecting the two strangers, who, of all the company, seemed alone worthy the honour of his notice, thus addressed them:
“i crave your pardon, sirs—but i guess frae your manner that ye are no unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life—do you ken how lang the king means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his hair-brain'd irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae mony preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race o' people?”
“i am not in possession,” answered dashall, “of any information on the subject.”
“by the manes of the priest,” exclaimed mr. o'shaughnessy, “but the king (god bless him) has visited the land of green erin, accompanied by the spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!—arrah, what mane you by a preposterous exhibition? by hecky, the warm hearts of the sons and daughters of st. patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated feeling of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not to say worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as sir william, the big baronet of the city, said in the house [336] that gives laws to the land, why should not his majesty be cheered up a little?”
this effusion of loyalty was well received, and dashall and his cousin cordially united in the general expression of approbation.
“this is a' vera weel,” said the northern; “but an overstrained civility wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there is my ain country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate sovereign there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the king condescend to honor wi' his presence the palace o' holyrod house, he wad experience as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and government in auld reekie as that shown him in dublin, though aiblins no quite sae tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen the preference to a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony centuries, and whare, in the castle of edinburgh, is still preserved the sacred regalia, with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced his royal head and hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a scotch coronation. sure i am that north britain has never been honored publicly wi' a royal visit.—whether ony branch o' the present reigning family hae been there incognita they best ken themselves.”
“you seem to have forgot,” observed tallyho, “the visit of the duke of cumberland to scotland in the year 1745.”
“begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular,” answered the cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, “that, sir, was not a visit, but a visitation!”
“appropriate enough,” whispered dashall to tallyho.
“augh, boderation to nice distinctions!” exclaimed o'shaughnessy; “here, mister suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, wid which to drink success to the royal visitant.”
“and that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of attachment to their sovereign, landlord,” said dashall, “let the glass go round.”
“testifying our regard for the sovereign,” resumed the northern, “it canna be understood that we include a' the underlings o' government. we ought, as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house; bat it is [337] by no means necessary that we should pay a similar respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his maid-servant. may be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy solemnity, blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae been avoided.”
“we perfectly understand your allusion,” said one from the group of life-guardsmen: “of us now present there were none implicated in the unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet we must not silently hear our comrades traduced—perhaps then it may be as well to drop the subject.”
“i canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse,” answered the northern, “replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; it may be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable occasion, o' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the duty o' the country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will not be forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' your corps a vera serious verdick.”
here the life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediate interposition of dashall averted me impending storm; while tallyho, imitating the generosity of his cousin, ordered the circulation once more of the bottle, to unanimity betwixt the military and the people. harmony thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the grateful acknowledgments of the company, o'shaughnessy swearing on their departure, that doubtless the two strangers were begot in ireland, although they might have come over to england to be born! while the pertinacious northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful, although, to be sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0' perfectly well-bred gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense o' national honor.
proceeding into whitehall, tallyho much admired the statue-like figures of the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the horse-guards; the relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the one party, and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearance of the appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses, and their instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedly prolonged attention,
[338] “one would think,” said tallyho, “that these noble animals are really actuated by reasoning faculties.”
“hereafter,” replied dashall, “you will still more incline to this opinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalry field-day in hyde park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained its acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as the discipline of the rider."{l}
“but hold, who have we here?—our friend sparkle, gazing about him with an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property.”
as his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinth of conjecture.—“i have lost my horse!” he exclaimed, in answer to the inquiry of dashall. “having occasion to stop half an hour at drummond's, i gave the animal in charge of an israelite urchin, and now neither are to be seen.”
casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the jew lad, quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted on its back. thoroughly instructed in the maxim—get money, honestly if you can, but get it by any means! young moses had made the most of the present opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, from charing cross to the horse guards; this, by his own confession, was the fifteenth trip! sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply the discipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, when tallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitable admonition.
1 not long since some cavalry horses, deemed “unfit for
further service,” were sold at tattersal's. of one of these
a miller happened to be the purchaser. subservient now to
the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was
led, 'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market-
town; there while the miller entered a house for a few
moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a
squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming
by sound of trumpet; the instant that the miller's horse
heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much
celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great
amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators,
took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the
accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the
service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the
miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the
animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still
appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity!
sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his [339] pedestrian friends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, proceeding up st. martin's lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the church, reached, without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of leicester square.
close by is barker's panorama, an object of attraction too prominent to be passed without inspection. they now entered, and tallyho stood mute with delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as if by the powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported into other regions. amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vast amphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from the noisy bustle of the metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination; and after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusion with evident reluctance.
emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in search of real life in london, proceeded through covent garden market, where fruit, flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and the appetite.
onwards they reached the classic ground of drury, “where catherine street descends into the strand.”
“i never,” said the hon. tom dashall, “pass this spot without a feeling of veneration—the scenes of “olden times” rise on my view, and the shades of garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustrious sheridan, flit before me! this was then, as now, the seat of cyprian indulgence—the magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth and beauty in their most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out by the unprincipled procuress, and the shrines of venus and apollo invited the votaries of each to nocturnal sacrifice.{1}
1 the avenue to the boxes of drury lane theatre was, in the
time of garrick, through vinegar yard. in this passage an
old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a
procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a bagnio, and
obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who
unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. those
who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the
loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted
with smiles or insults every one that passed. it happened
that a noble lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two
daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this
band of “flaming ministers.” he immediately went behind the
scenes, and insisted on seeing mr. garrick, to whom he
represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the
little manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook
himself to this unholy sybil:—
“twin-child of cacus; vulcan was their sire, full offspring
both of healthless fume and fire!”
finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut
to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by
swearing that he would have her ousted. to this assault she
was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she
was much more powerful in abusive language than our roscius,
though he had recourse in his speech to milton's “hell-born
bitch,” and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she
entirely depended on her own natural resources. those to
whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting
any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast
a “state the more gracious,” and are the more happy in their
ignorance. none of this rhapsody, however, although teeming
with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on garrick, and he
would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the
following manner, which so excited the laughter of the
collected mob, and disconcerted “the soul of richard,”
that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter
in the theatre. putting her arms akimbo, and letting down
each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of
contempt, she exclaimed—“you whipper snapper! you oust me!
you be d——-d! my house is as good as your's—aye, and
better too. i can come into your's whenever i like, and
see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d——-me if
you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a
fifteen-penny negus.”
[340] “this street and neighbourhood was wont to exhibit, nightly, a melancholy proof of early infamy. here might be seen a prolonged succession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of them under fourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminate prostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring the passengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, from which retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, and frequently accompanied by personal violence. the nuisance has been partly abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of more difficult accomplishment than that of cleansing the augean stable, and would baffle all the labours of hercules!”
“this fact,” observed tallyho, “throws an indelible stain on metropolitan police.”
“not so,” answered his companion, “scarce a day passes without groups of these unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposed of in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicious habits,—but in vain;—the stain is more attributed to the depraved nature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off [341] to infamy and indigence the unhappy victim of credulity. many of these wretched girls would, in all probability, gladly have abstained from the career of vice, if, on their first fall, they had experienced the consoling protection of parents or friends;—but, shut out from home,—exiled from humanity,—divested of character, and without resources,—no choice is left, other than mendicity or prostitution!”{1}
the sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way to those of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along the strand. the various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of useful and ornamental articles,—the continued bustle of the street,—the throng of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activity of business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse of curiosity,—the endless succession of new faces, and frequent occurrence of interesting incident;—these united in forming an inexhaustible fund of amusement and admiration.
1 “hatton garden.—on saturday, no less than fifteen
unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the
bar, charged by cadby, the street-keeper on the foundling
estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their
nocturnal purposes. the constable stated, that repeated
complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants,
of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones,
who resort every night to brunswick square. he had been
therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance.
about twelve o'clock on friday night, while perambulating
the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in
brunswick square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them
were in the act of picking up gentlemen. he procured
assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed
to the watch-house.
none of the prisoners could deny the charge, but expressed
great contrition at being under the painful necessity of
procuring their subsistence in so disgraceful a manner. they
were examined individually, by the magistrates, as to the
origin that brought them to disgrace. some, from their
admission, were farmers' daughters, and had been decoyed
from their relatives, and brought to london, and
subsequently deserted by their seducers. some were nursery-
maids—others, girls seduced from boarding schools. their
tales were truly distressing—some had only been six months
in such infamy, others twelve months, and some two years and
upwards.
the worthy magistrate, with much feeling, admonished them on
the evil course they were following, and pointed out the
means still left for them to return to the paths of virtue;
and on their severally promising never to appear again in
that quarter, they were discharged.”
passing through temple bar, “once more,” said [342] dashall, “we enter the dominions of another sovereign,—the monarch of the city,—than whom there is none more tenacious of the rights and immunities of his subjects. professing a strictly civil government, and consequent hostility to military interference, it does not always happen that the regal sway of the east harmonizes with that of the west, and the limited reign of the former is generally most popular when most in opposition to that of the latter. several important events have occurred wherein a late patriotic right honourable chief magistrate has had the opportunity of manifesting a zealous, firm, and determined attachment to the privileges of the community: the good wishes of his fellow-citizens have accompanied his retirement, and his private and public worth will be long held in deserved estimation.”
turning up the old bailey, and passing, with no pleasing sensations, that structure in front of which so many human beings expiate their offences with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency of the dreadful example lessening the perpetration of crime,—“the crowd thickens,” exclaimed the 'squire; and advancing into smithfield, a new scene opened on the view of the astonished tallyho. an immense and motley crowd was wedged together in the open space of the market, which was surrounded by booths and shows of every description, while the pavement was rendered nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, attracted by the long line of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, the gorgeously gilt array of ginger-bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, toys for children and those of elder growth, and the numerous other et cetera of bartholomew fair, which at that moment the lord mayor of london, with accustomed state and formality, was in the act of proclaiming.
a more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of bob than ever issued from the hounds at falt in the field or at variance in the kennel! the prolonged stunning and vociferous acclamation of the mob, accompanied by the deeply sonorous clangor of the gong—the shrill blast of the trumpet—the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, straining their lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes—the screams of women and children, and the universal combination of discord, announced the termination of the civic sovereign's performance in the drama; “the revelry now had began,” [343] and all was obstreperous uproar, and “confusion worse confounded.”
in the vortex of the vast assemblage, the hon. tom dashall and his cousin were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been at the rout of female distinction, where inconvenience is the order of the night, and pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rank and fashion. borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable; alternately then, stationary and advancing with the multitude, as it urged its slow and undulating progress; or paused at the attractions of wombwell and gillman's rival menageries—the equestrian shows of clark and astley—the theatres of richardson and gyngell, graced by the promenade of the dramatis person? and lure of female nudity—the young giantess—the dwarfs—and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, cuts out watch-papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with her teeth!—amidst these and numerous other seductive impediments to their progress, our pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, penetrated the mass of spectators, and gained an egress at long lane, uninjured in person, and undamaged in property, “save and except” the loss, by bob, of a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable cousin. to repair the one and replace the other was now the predominant consideration. by fortunate proximity to a descendant of st. crispin, the latter object was speedily effected; but the difficulty of finding, in that neighbourhood, a knight of the thimble, appearing insurmountable, the two friends pursued their course, dashall drawing under his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, until they reached playhouse yard, in upper whitecross street, st. luke's, to which they had been previously directed, the epitome of monmouth street, chiefly inhabited by tailors and old clothes retailers, where purchase and repair are equally available.
entering a shop occupied by an intelligent scotch tailor, who, with his son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymere waistcoats, his spouse, a native of edinburgh, with a smile of complacency and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view to the main chance, put her usual inquiry:
“what is your wull, gentlemen—what wad you please to want?”
“my good lady,” answered dashall, “we would be [344] glad to accept the services of your husband,” exhibiting at same time the rent skirts of his frock. “this accident was sustained in passing, or rather in being squeezed through the fair; my friend too, experienced a trifling loss; but, as it has been replaced, i believe that he does not require present amendment.”
the materials destined to form the black waistcoats were then put aside, while the northern adept in the exercise of the needle proceeded to operate on the fractured garment; and a coat being supplied, ad interim, tom and his friend accepted the “hospitable invitation of the guid wife, and seated themselves with unhesitating sociability.
“and sae ye hae been to the fair, gentlemen?” “we have, madam,” said dashall, “and unintentionally so; we were not, until on the spot, aware of any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the lord mayor had licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene of idleness, riot and dissipation!”
“hoot awa, sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o' our amusements; poor folks dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bit o' it now and then, as weel as the rich?”
“i know not, my good lady,” exclaimed bon, “that i can altogether assimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure; if it consists in being pressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in attempts on your pocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of a drayman's ponderous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thus produced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, i would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefit of its enjoyment.”
“accidents wull happen ony where and in ony situation,” replied the garrulous wife; “ye may be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur,—and, for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic a way that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel as ever.”
the promise was verified; the reparation was made with equal neatness and celerity; something beyond the required remuneration was given; and dashall inquiring if the worthy dame of auld reekie would take a drop of cordial, the friendly offer was accepted, and the glass of [345] good fellowship having been drank, and civilities interchanged, the strangers departed.
they were now in whitecross street, where sojourned their acquaintance of the morning, the distressed poet; and, from the accuracy of description, had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence.
it was in a public-house; a convenient lodging for the forlorn being, who, exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties of consanguinity, can dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and where casual generosity may sometimes supply him with a draught of hanbury's exhilarating beverage.
at the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiring for the poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcastical expression of countenance, to “the first floor down the chimney!” while the hostess, whose demeanour perfectly accorded with that of the well-manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing the parlour, sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted below stairs.
the summons was instantaneously obeyed; but as the parlour precluded the opportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorous butchers, with whom this street abounds to redundancy, the poet had no other alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants to his attic, or, as the landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, his first floor down the chimney!
real life in london must be seen, to be believed. the hon. tom dashall and his friend tallyho were reared in the lap of luxury, and never until now formed an adequate conception of the distressing privations attendant on suffering humanity.
with a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliating necessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum of penury, the poet led the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitors regretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance of giving pain to adversity; yet they felt that to recede would be more indelicate than to advance.
the apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for the reception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing not fewer than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description; and the limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point of view, [346] was encroached upon by three uncurtained beds, of most impoverished appearance,—while, exhibiting the ravages of time in divers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the trowel in many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no unapt resemblance to the pye-bald horse in chiswell-street! calculating on its utility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had given to this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for many years been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. two windows had originally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, one was internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was preserved. a demolished pane of glass in the remaining window, close to which stood a small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; the convenient household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood against the wall; and several parallel lines of cord were stretched across the room, on which to hang wet linen, a garret being considered of free access to all the house, and the comfort or health of its occupant held in utter derision and contempt!
here then,—
“in the worst inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung,
the walls of plaster and the floors of dung,”
entered dashall and his cousin tallyho. the latter familiarly seating himself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, but now a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the precarious equilibrium gave way under the unaccustomed shock of the contact, and the 'squire came to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, and amusement of dashall!
with many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humble accommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honour conferred upon him, the poet replaced tallyho in a firmer seat, and a silence of some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss in what manner to explain, and the poet unwilling to inquire the object of their visit.
dashall began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge of real life in london, he and his accompanying friend had met with many incidents both ludicrous and interesting; but that in the present instance their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than [347] curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest of merit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the exercise of a duty so perfectly congenial with their feelings.
many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks were addressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect was instantaneous; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened by the glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of his unfortunate circumstances with jocularity:
“the elevated proximity of a garret,” he observed, “to the sublimer regions, has often been resorted to as the roost of genius; and why should i, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain? and yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodical publications of this and our sister island, if collected together, would form a very voluminous compilation.”
“i have always understood,” said bob, “that the quality, not the quantum, constituted the fame of an author's productions.”
“true, sir,” answered the poet; “and i meant not the vanity of arrogating to myself any merit from my writings, with reference either to quantum or quality. i alluded to the former, as merely proving the inefficacy of mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to an author whom celebrity declines acknowledging. similarly situated, it would appear was the dutchman mentioned by the late doctor walcot,
“my broder is te poet, look,
as all te world must please,
for he heb wrote, py got, a book
so big as all this cheese!”
“on the other hand, collins, hammond, and gray, wrote each of them but little, yet their names will descend to posterity!—and had gray, of his poems the bard, and the elegy in a country church yard, written only one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or better passport to immortality!”{1}
1 of that great and multitudinous writer, doctor samuel
johnson, the following anecdote is told: “being one morning
in the library at buckingham house honoured with the
presence of royalty, the king, his late majesty, inquired
why he, (mr. johnson) did not continue to write. “may it
please your majesty,” answered the doctor, “i think i have
written enough.”—“i should have thought so too,” his
majesty replied, “if, doctor johnson, you had not written so
well.”
[348] in this opinion the visitants, who were both well conversant with our native literature, readily acquiesced.
“have you never,” asked dashall, “thought of publishing a volume by subscription?”
“i meditated such intention,” answered the poet, “not long ago; drew up the necessary prospectus, with a specimen of the poetry, and perambulated the metropolis in search of patronage. in some few instances i was successful, and, though limited the number, yet the high respectability of my few subscribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction; several of our nobility honoured me with their names, and others, my patrons, were of the very first class of literature. nevertheless, i encountered much contumelious reception; and after an irksome and unavailing perseverance of a month's continuance, i was at last compelled to relinquish all hope of success.
“having then on my list the name of a very worthy alderman who lately filled the civic chair with honour to himself and advantage to his fellow-citizens, i submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to another alderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety!
“waiting in his banking-house the result of my application, he condescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, with the lofty demeanour of conscious importance, when, in the presence of his clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification and amusement, the following colloquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unlucky prospectus, with a respectful epistle which had accompanied it:—
“are you the writer,” he asked in a majesterial tone, “of this here letter?”
“i am, sir w*****m, unfortunately!”
“then,” he continued, “you may take them there papers back again, i have no time to read prospectuses, and so mister poet my compliments, and good morning to you!!!”
“these literally were his words; and such was the astounding effect they produced on my mind, that, although i had meant to have passed through the royal exchange, i yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered i knew not where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in the centre of london bridge!”
[349] the detail of this fact, so characteristic of rude, ungentlemanly manners, and the barbarian ignorance of this great man of little soul, excited against him, with dashall and his friend, a mingled feeling of ridicule, contempt and reprobation!
“real life in london still!” exclaimed talltho; “intellect and indigence in a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house!—i would at least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesome castigation of reproof.”
“i did,” said the poet, “stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, i retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the recantation: i cannot accommodate you at present with a copy of the poem, but the concluding stanzas i can repeat from memory:—
“c****s, thy house in lombard street
affords thee still employment meet,
thy consequence retaining;
for there thy partners and thy clerks
must listen to thy sage remarks,
subservient, uncomplaining.
and rob'd in aldermanic gown,
with look and language all thy own,
thou mak'st thy hearers stare,
when this here cause, so wisely tried,
thou put'st with self-applause aside,
to wisely try that there.
nor can thy brother cits forget
when thou at civic banquet sate,
and ask'd of heaven a boon,
a toast is call'd, on thee all eyes
intent, when peals of laughter rise—
a speedy peace and soon!
nor yet orthography nor grammar,
vain effort on thy pate to hammer,
impregnable that fort is!
witness thy toast again,—three cs;
for who would think that thou by these
meant cox, and king, and curtis
c****s, though scant thy sense, yet heaven
to thee the better boon hast given
or wealth—then sense despise,
and deem not fate's decrees amiss,
for still “where ignorance is bliss
?tis folly to be wise!”
[350] “bravo!” exclaimed dashall; “re-issue your prospectus, my friend, and we will accelerate, with our best interest and influence, the publication of your volume. let it be dedicated to the hon. tom dashall and his cousin bob tallyho. in the meanwhile, accept this trifle, as a complimentary douceur uniformly given on such occasions; and, amidst the varied scenes of real life in london, i shall frequently recur to the present as the most gratifying to my feelings.”
“by this the sun was out of sight,
and darker gloamin brought the night.”
the benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences of the day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunity was afforded them of extending consolation and relief to genius in adversity!
