houses, churches, mixt together,
streets unpleasant in all weather;
prisons, palaces contiguous,
gates, a bridge—the thames irriguous;
gaudy things, enough to tempt ye,
showy outsides, insides empty;
bubbles, trades, mechanic arts,
coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts;
warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid,
lords of laundresses afraid;
rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men,
hangmen, aldermen, and footmen;
lawyers, poets, priests, physicians,
noble, simple, all conditions;
worth beneath a thread-bare cover,
villainy bedaubed all over;
women, black, red, fair, and grey,
prudes, and such as never pray;
handsome, ugly, noisy still,
some that will not, some that will;
many a beau without a shilling,
many a widow not unwilling;
many a bargain, if you strike it:—
this is london—how d'ye like it?
[88]on entering the public office, bow-street, we must leave our readers to guess at the surprise and astonishment with which the hon. tom dashall and his cousin beheld their lost friend, charles sparkle, who it appeared had been kindly accommodated with a lodging gratis in a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may readily be supposed, exactly suitable to his taste or inclination. nor was wonder less excited in the mind of sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as unlooked for as it was fortunate to all parties. there was however no opportunity at the present moment for an explanation, as the worthy magistrate immediately proceeded to an investigation of the case just brought before him, upon which there was no difficulty in deciding. the charge was made, the handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who [89]were well known as old hands upon the town, committed for trial. the most remarkable feature in the examination being the evidence of pat murphy, who by this time had recollected that the man who was taken with the property about his person, was the very identical aggressor who had offended him while the hod of mortar was on his shoulder, before the conversation commenced between himself and tom opposite the opera-house.
“sure enough, your honour,” said he, “its a true bill. i'm an irishman, and i don't care who knows it—i don't fight under false colours, but love the land of potatoes, and honour st. patrick. that there man with the blue toggery{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my stomach. i dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so mizzled{2} out of my way, or by the big bull of ballynafad, i'd have powdered his wig with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a little human kindness in the shape of an irishman's fist; and then that there other dirty end of a shelalah, while the jontleman—long life to your honour, (bowing to tom dashall)—was houlding a bit of conversation with pat murphy, grabb'd{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let me into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling—stop thief! he darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and i boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when i came up to him, down you go, says i, and down he was; and that's all i know about the matter.”
as the prisoners were being taken out of court, the hibernian followed them. “arrah,” said he, “my lads, as i have procured you a lodging for nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking jontleman gave me; it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps you may want it more than i do; and if you know the pleasure of spending money that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep you out of the clutches of jock ketch, and save
1 blue toggery—toggery is a flash term for clothing in
general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat.
2 mizzled—ran away.
3 grabb'd—took, or stole.
4 shewing a leg—or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg-
bail—making the best use of legs to escape detection.
[90]you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}—there, be off wid you.”
the hon. tom dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of pat, could not help moralizing upon this last act of the irishman, and the advice which accompanied it. “here,” said he to himself, “is a genuine display of national character. here is the heat, the fire, the effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much boasted of by the sons of erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who have visited the emerald isle.” and slipping a sovereign into his hand, after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them taking an arm of sparkle, they passed down bow-street, conversing on the occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary appearance of sparkle was the most prominent and interesting.
“how in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?” said tom.
“innocently enough, i can assure you,” replied sparkle—“with my usual luck—a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2}
“... 'twas waxing rather late,
and reeling bucks the street began to scour,
while guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait,
cried every thing quite clear, except the hour.”
1 horse's night-cap—a halter.
2 a bit of gig—a lark—a turn up—are terms made use of to
signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more
generally means a fight. among the bucks and bloods of the
metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending
in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house,
and a composition with the charleys in the morning, to avoid
exposure before the magistrate, is a proof of high spirit—a
prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's
character. some, however, who have not courage enough to
brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of
other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. “go it,
my boys,” says one of the latter description, “keep it up,
huzza! i loves fun—for i made such a fool of my father last
april day:—but what do you think i did now, eh?—ha! ha!
ha!—i will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were
keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in
the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was dick
the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire—done
up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: so
thinks 1, i'll have you, my boy—and what does i do, but i
goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as
big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run
away, because i loves fun, you know: so it has lamed him,
and that makes me laugh so—ha! ha! ha!—it was what i call
better than your rappartees and your bobinates. i'll
tell you more too: you must know i was in high tip-top
spirits, faith, so i stole a dog from a blind man—for i do
loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that
made me laugh heartily: so says i to the blind man—hallo,
master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want
your dog?—yes, sir, says he. now only you mark what i said
to the blind man—then go and look for him, old chap, says
i—ha! ha! ha!—that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep
it up, d—— me. that's the worst of it, i always turn
sick when i think of a parson—i always do; and my brother
he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so
you know i always swear like a trooper when i am near him,
on purpose to roast him. i went to dine with him one day
last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more
of what you call your modest women; but i sent 'em all from
the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for i loves fun, and
that was fun alive 0. and so there was nobody in the room
but my brother and me, and i begun to swear most sweetly: i
never swore so well in all my life—i swore all my new
oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear;
till at last my brother looked frightened, and d—— me that
was good fun. at last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to
heaven, and calls out o tempora, o mores! but i was not to
be done so. oh! oh! brother, says i, what you think to
frighten me by calling all your family about you; but i
don't care for you, nor your family neither—so stow it—
i'll mill the whole troop—only bring your tempora and mores
here, that's all—let us have fair play, i'll tip 'em the
gas in a flash of lightning—i'll box 'em for five pounds,
d—— me: here, where's tempora and mores, where are they?
my eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to—
i never laugh'd so in my life—he made but two steps out of
the room, and left me master of the field. what d'ye
think of that for a lark, eh?—keep it up—keep it up, d——
me, says i—so i sets down to the table, drank as much as i
could—then i mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and
broke all the empty ones—then bid adieu to tempora and
mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and
plummy order, d—— me.”
“coming along piccadilly last night after leaving you, i was overtaken at the corner of rupert-street by our old college-companion harry hartwell, pursuing his way to the hummums, where it seems he has taken up his abode. harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he studies too much, and pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of law cases, blackstone's commentaries, and other black books, to qualify himself for the black art, and as fit and proper person to appear at the bar. the length of time that had elapsed since our last meeting was sufficient inducement for us to crack a bottle together; [92]so taking his arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking over past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, when i sallied forth on my return to long's, having altogether abandoned my original intention of calling in golden-square. at the corner of leicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the night music—the rattles were in full chorus, and the charleys, in prime twig,{1} were mustering from all quarters.
page92 tom and bob catching a charley napping
“the street was all alive, and i made my way through the crowd to the immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half a dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these guardians of our peace. she was evidently under the influence of the bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without imparting discretion to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that the old files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were fearfully against her, and never did i feel my indignation more aroused, than when i beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head with his rattle, which in all probability, had it taken the intended effect, would have sent her in search of that peace in the other world, of which she was experiencing so little in this. it was not possible for me to stand by, an idle spectator of the destruction of a female who appeared to have no defender, whatever might be the nature of the offence alleged or committed. i therefore warded off the blow with my left arm, and with my right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3} which sent him piping into the kennel. in a moment i was surrounded and charged with a violent assault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with the guardians of the night in the execution of their duty. a complete diversion took place from the original object of their fury, and in the bustle to secure me, the unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or how, heaven
1 prime twig—any thing accomplished in good order, or with
dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is
considered to be in prime twig.
2 old jiles—a person who has had a long course of
experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in
the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file—a rum
file, or an old file.
3 conk—the nose.
4 charley—a watchman.
[93]only knows. upon finding this, i made no resistance, but marched boldly along with the scouts{1} to st. martin's watch-house, where we arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door.
“take her in, d——n her eyes, she shall stump up the rubbish{2} before i leave her, or give me the address of her flash covey,{3} and so here goes.” by this time we had entered the watch-house, where i perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, with a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease. a crowd of charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other symptoms of a row, together with several casual spectators, had gained admittance, when jarvis entered, declaring—by g——he wouldn't be choused by any wh——re or cull in christendom, and he would make 'em come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: “and so please your worship, sir”—then turning round, “hallo,” said he, “sam, what's becom'd of that there voman—eh—vhat, you've been playing booty eh, and let her escape.” the man to whom this was intended to be addressed did not appear to be present, as no reply was made. however, the case was briefly explained.
“but, by g——, i von't put any thing in sam's vay again,” cried jarvey.{4} for my own part, as i knew nothing of the occurrences adverted to, i was as much in the dark as if i had gone home without interruption. the representations of the charleys proved decisive against me—in vain i urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity i felt of protecting a defenceless female from the violence of accumulating numbers, and that i had done no more than every man ought to have done upon such an occasion. old puff and swill, the lord of the night, declared that i must have acted with malice afore-thought—that i was a pal in the concern, and that i had been instrumental in the design of effecting a rescue; and, after a very short deliberation, he concluded that i must be a notorious rascal, and desired me to make up my mind to remain with him for the remainder of the night. not relishing this, i proposed to send for bail, assuring him of my
1 scouts—watchmen.
3 stump up the rubbish—meaning she (or he) shall pay, or
find money.
3 flash covey—a fancy man, partner or protector
4 jarvey—a coachman.
[94]attendance in the morning; but was informed it could not be accepted of, as it was clearly made out against me that i had committed a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that time could be produced that would prove satisfactory. under these circumstances, and partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome in other quarters, i submitted to a restraint which it appeared i could not very well avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, i soon fell fast asleep, from which i was only aroused by the occasional entrances and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, when a sort of general muster of the charleys took place, and each one depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation. finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the effect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely to be prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, i began to feel my situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when i was informed by the watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to turn in,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd out, which would be about six o'clock, and, as i had the appearance of a gentleman, if there was any thing i wanted, she would endeavour to make herself useful in obtaining it. “but lord,” said he, “there is no such thing as believing any body now-a-days—there was such sets out, and such manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody.”
“i am obliged to you, my friend,” said i, “for this piece of information, and in order that you may understand something of the person you are speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here is half-a-crown for your communication.”
“why, sir,” said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals, “this here makes out what i said—don't you see, said i, that 'are gentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says i—as don't want nothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's got himself in a bit of a hobble, i knows very well as how he's got the tip{2} in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull it out—perhaps you might like some breakfast, sir?”
1 turn in—going to bed. this is a term most in use among
seafaring men.
2 tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money.
[95]"why yes,” said i—for i began to feel a little inclined that way.
“o my wife, sir,” said he, “will do all you want, when she rouses herself.”
“i suppose,” continued i, “you frequently have occasion to accommodate persons in similar situations?”
“lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we have too sometimes—why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed here as thick as three in a bed. we had 'em all upon the hop{1}—you never see'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full of curiosities as pidcock's at exeter change, or bartlemy-fair—show 'em up here, all alive alive o!”
“indeed!” said i, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; “and how did this happen?”
“why it was a rummish piece of business altogether. there was a large party of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in st. martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. the fiddlers wagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till about one o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, in burst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. the appearance of these gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present: the cause of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken into custody, to give an account of themselves, and was brought here in hackney-coaches. the delicate miss and her assiduous partner, who, a short time before had been all spirits and animation, were now sunk in gloomy reflections upon the awkwardness of their situation; and many of our inhabitants would have fainted when they were informed they would have to appear before the magistrate in the morning, but for the well-timed introduction of a little drap of the cratur, which an irish lady ax'd me to fetch for her. but the best of the fun was, that in the group we had a lord and a parson! for the dignity of the one, and the honour of the other, they were admitted to bail—lord have mercy upon us! said the parson—amen, said the lord; and this had the desired effect upon the constable of the night, for he let them off on the sly, you understand: but my eyes what work there was in the morning! sixteen jarveys, full of live lumber,
1 hop—a dance.
[96]were taken to bow-street, in a nice pickle you may be sure, dancing-pumps and silk-stockings, after setting in the watch-house all night, and surrounded by lots of people that hooted and howled, as the procession passed along, in good style. they were safely landed at the brown bear, from which they were handed over in groups to be examined by the magistrate, when the men were discharged upon giving satisfactory accounts, and the women after some questions being put to them. you see all this took place because they were dancing in an unlicensed room. it was altogether a laughable set-out as ever you see'd—the dandys and the dandyzettes—the exquisites—the shopmen—the ladies' maid and the prentice boys—my lord and his reverence—mingled up higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw, with bow-street officers, runners and watchmen—ladies squalling and fainting, men swearing and almost fighting. it would have been a pleasure to have kick'd up a row that night, a purpose to get admission—you would have been highly amused, i'll assure you—good morning, sir.” and thus saying, he turned the lock upon me, and left me to my meditations. in about a couple of hours the old woman made her appearance, and prepared me some coffee; and at eleven o'clock came the constable of the night, to accompany me before the magistrate.
“aware that the circumstances were rather against me, and that i had no right to interfere in other persons' business or quarrels, i consulted him upon the best mode of making up the matter; for although i had really done no more than becomes a man in protecting a female, i had certainly infringed upon the law, in effecting the escape of a person in custody, and consequently was liable to the penalty or penalties in such cases made and provided. on our arrival at the brown bear, i was met by a genteel-looking man, who delivered me a letter, and immediately disappeared. upon breaking the seal, i found its contents as follows:
dear sir, although unknown to me, i have learned enough of your character to pronounce you a trump, a prime cock, and nothing but a good one. i am detained by john doe and richard roe with their d——d fieri facias, or i should be with you. however, i trust you will excuse the liberty i take in requesting you will make use of the enclosed for the purpose of shaking yourself out of the [97]hands of the scouts and their pals. we shall have some opportunities of meeting, when i will explain: in the mean time, believe me i am
your's truly,
tom.
“with this advice, so consonant with my own opinion, i immediately complied; and having satisfied the broken-headed charley, and paid all expences incurred, i was induced to walk into the office merely to give a look around me, when by a lucky chance i saw you enter. and thus you have a full, true, and particular account of the peregrinations of your humble servant.”
listening with close attention to this narrative of sparkle's, all other subjects had escaped observation, till they found themselves in the strand.
“whither are we bound?” inquired sparkle.
“on a voyage of discoveries,” replied dashall, “and we just wanted you to act as pilot.”
“what place is this?” inquired bob.
“that,” continued sparkle, “is somerset-house. it is a fine old building; it stands on the banks of the thames, raised on piers and arches, and is now appropriated to various public offices, and houses belonging to the various offices of the government.”
“the terrace, which lies on the river, is very fine, and may be well viewed from waterloo bridge. the front in the strand, you perceive, has a noble aspect, being composed of a rustic basement, supporting a corinthian order of columns crowned with an attic in the centre, and at the extremities with a balustrade. the south front, which looks into the court, is very elegant in its composition.
“the basement consists of nine large arches; and three in the centre open, forming the principal entrance; and three at each end, filled with windows of the doric order, are adorned with pilasters, entablatures, and pediments. on the key-stones of the nine arches are carved, in alto relievo, nine colossal masks, representing the ocean, and the eight main rivers of england, viz. thames, humber, mersey, dee, medway, tweed, tyne, and severn, with appropriate emblems to denote their various characters.
“over the basement the corinthian order consists of ten columns upon pedestals, having their regular entablature. it comprehends two floors, and the attic in the centre of the front extends over three intercolomniations, and is divided into three parts by four colossal statues placed on [98]the columns of the order. it terminates with a group consisting of the arms of the british empire, supported on one side by the genius of england, and by fame, sounding the trumpet, on the other. these three open arches in the front form the principal entrance to the whole of the structure, and lead to an elegant vestibule decorated with doric columns.
“the terrace, which fronts the thames, is spacious, and commands a beautiful view of part of the river, including blackfriars, waterloo, and westminster bridges. it is reared on a grand rustic basement, having thirty-two spacious arches. the arcade thus formed is judiciously relieved by projections ornamented with rusticated columns, and the effect of the whole of the terrace from the water is truly grand and noble. there is however, at present, no admission for the public to it; but, in all probability, it will be open to all when the edifice is completed, which would form one of the finest promenades in the world, and prove to be one of the first luxuries of the metropolis.
“that statue in the centre is a representation of our late king, george the third, with the thames at his feet, pouring wealth and plenty from a large cornucopia. it is executed by bacon, and has his characteristic cast of expression. it is in a most ludicrous situation, being placed behind, and on the brink of a deep area.
“in the vestibule are the rooms of the royal society, the society of antiquarians, and the royal academy of arts, all in a very grand and beautiful style. over the door of the royal academy is a bust of michael angelo; and over the door leading to the royal society and society of antiquarians, you will find the bust of sir isaac newton.
“the government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objects of great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious and elegant, and worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. the hall of the navy office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing the terrace and river, and the other facing the court. on the right is the stamp-office: it consists of a multitude of apartments: the room in which the stamping is executed is very interesting to the curious. on the left you see the pay-office of the navy.
“the principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is [99]the solidity and completeness of the workmanship in the masonry, and indeed in every other part.”
after taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they again sallied forth into the strand, mingling with all the noise and bustle of a crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling each other, parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. the barber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to be careful in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must be the inevitable consequence.
“my dear fellow!” exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who dragged the honourable tom dashall on one side—“you are the very person i wanted—i'm very glad to see you in town again—but i have not a moment to spare—the blood-hounds are in pursuit—this term will be ended in two days, then comes the long vacation—liberty without hiring a horse—you understand—was devilishly afraid of being nabb'd just now—should have been dished if i had—lend me five shillings—come, make haste.”
“five shillings, diddler, when am i to be paid? you remember—' when i grow rich' was the reply.”
“know—yes, i know all about it—but no matter, i'm not going to settle accounts just now, so don't detain me, i hate debtor and creditor. fine sport to-morrow, eh—shall be at the ring—in cog.—take no notice—disguised as a quaker—obadiah lankloaks—d——d large beaver hat, and hide my physog.—lend me what silver you have, and be quick about it, for i can't stay—thank you, you're a d——a good fellow, tom, a trump—shall now pop into a hack, and drive into another county—thank ye—good day—by by.”
during this harangue, while tost was counting his silver, the ingenious mr. diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, in a few minutes was out of his sight.
sparkle observing dashall looking earnestly after diddler, approached, and giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder—“ha! ha! ha!” exclaimed he, “what are you done again?”
“i suppose so,” said dashall; “confound the fellow, he is always borrowing: i never met him in my life but [100]he had some immediate necessity or other to require a loan of a little temporary supply, as he calls it.”
“i wonder,” said sparkle, “that you are so ready to lend, after such frequent experience—how much does he owe you?”
“heaven only knows,” continued tom, “for i do not keep account against him, i must even trust to his honour—so it is useless to stand here losing our time—come, let us forward.”
“with all my heart,”, said sparkle, “and with permission i propose a visit to the bonassus, a peep at st. paul's, and a chop at dolly's.”
this proposition being highly approved of, they continued their walk along the strand, towards temple bar, and in a few minutes were attracted by the appearance of men dressed in the garb of the yeomen of the guards, who appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, and surrounded a house on the front of which appeared a long string of high and distinguished names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebrated animal called the bonassus. crossing the road in their approach to the door, tallyho could not help admiring the simple elegance of a shop-front belonging to a grocer, whose name is peck.
“very handsome and tasty, indeed,” replied sparkle; “that combination of marble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance of being laboured at. the inhabitant of the house i believe is a foreigner, i think an italian; but london boasts of some of the most elegant shops in the world.” and by this time they entered the opposite house.
