the most worldly society decided long ago that it is very “bad form” for boys and girls of school age to think of lovers, of engagements, or of marriage. not until the day of childish things is entirely passed, not until a young man has some settled purpose in life, some business or profession which insures an income, does “good society,” as it is called, smile upon any “serious intentions” between young people, and every effort is made to hold the children of the social world to this regulation.
all this is because of the fact which can not be repudiated that premature thinking along these channels is unhealthy, and disqualifies the youth for any real earnest preparation for practical life.
the world theoretically considers these preparatory years so important, and education so vital, that with every possible device 37 it seeks to keep the children unconscious of sex, and of the burdens which this consciousness always brings, until they have attained something like maturity.
of course the world fails, because it is trying to do by sheer force of human will, and by human methods from outside influence, that which can only be accomplished by the growing from within of a divinely planted principle. but that which the world is struggling after, that about which it has made so many laws, has written and talked so much, and in which it is so often foiled, christian parents ought to find practical and easy, because of the power of the spirit which always accompanies every truth.
it is a fact, however, that many worldly homes have succeeded at this point, because they have faithfully taught the principle, even if without prayer or faith; while many christian homes have failed, with all their praying and so-called faith, because they have ignored 38 the principle that marriage is for men and women, not for children; and that any association which takes cognizance of sex must be for marriage only; that if it is for any other object, it is coquetry, flirting, and consequently immoral.
this should be so faithfully taught to the growing child, and all words and conduct in home and christian social life should be so under the control of this principle, and he should be so taught those habits of social intercourse which will protect him from premature and unhealthy thought, that he shall be able to grow up to the time of his own home-making untrammeled by the entanglements of unhallowed associations and their distracting memories.
here again the boundaries of safety are marked by things which seem trivial. the social world counts it as “bad form” for young people to even shake hands upon introduction, because it has found out to its 39 shame and disgrace that there is danger in a hand-shake; and i am free to say that this social extreme is better than the freedom which sometimes obtains, because by that the young people become practised in a looseness of conduct which opens the way for trouble.
“good form” toned down from the extreme rigidity of the social world, so as to meet the requirements of ordinary christian intercourse, would teach that the hand-shake should be just what its name indicates—a clasp, a shake, and then a drop. teach your son that he should never place any lady in the embarrassing position of having her hand crushed, or held one second; for if she has been properly taught, she will be sure that he is either ignorant, careless, or ungentlemanly in so doing; and if she is herself ignorant and careless, if she is weak enough to allow her hand to be held, she is in a condition where she needs to be protected 40 from herself; and your son should be able to be that protector.
teach your daughter that if any man clings to her fingers when she has given him her hand in friendly, cordial fashion, if he takes the liberty of placing his other hand under her elbow, or taking hold of her arm, that it is her privilege and duty to teach him that he has committed a breach of good manners by withdrawing her hand, forcibly if she must, and stepping out of his reach. and any young man who is worthy of her friendship will in his heart thank her for the rebuke, and profit by it.
many a boy who has grown up in a family of sisters, and among their friends, has, in going out into the world, had to suffer over and over such tortures of chagrin and shame as were almost unendurable before he could learn those little things in “good form” which should have been taught him by precept and example in his home from childhood; 41 and for a lack of the right teaching in this “hand-to-hand” relation, many a boy has been taken captive by shameless women, simply because he practised in the wider and more wicked world the free habits which were common in the neighborhood life at home, which, while neither right nor safe there, were not absolutely dangerous, because each knew everybody, and all were held to respectability by the short rein of close social relations.
teach your daughter that it is not “good form” to allow a young man in walking with her to support her steps in any way, unless she has suffered some sudden injury. a sprained ankle would excuse any necessary help until a carriage could be called; or, if this were out of the question, until she was taken home. if she must have help, let her take his arm, and hold on; but teach your boy never to place his hand on a lady’s wrist, and lay her arm along his own, 42 holding her by hand and elbow. this is a most vulgar method of supporting any excepting one’s own wife, sister, mother, or some aged woman.
there is no possible reason why any young woman, who is in health, should, even after dusk, need support from any man. she ought to be able to keep her place in the road or field, or on the sidewalk, just as well as he can, and walk independently of his hand or arm. the notion that a woman must have a man’s arm for support is off the same loaf with all the other nonsense which belongs to all the rest of that “clinging-vine theory” which assumes that she is of necessity so much the weaker as to need his constant attention and care, especially as long as she is young and attractive. the old and wrinkled woman can as a rule take care of herself.
woman has been made weaker than man by the sinful habits of life to which social 43 custom condemned and held her during the dark ages. this subjugation was her part of the entailed curse. but from this, with all its disabilities, she is to become free in christ; and our daughters trained in christian homes should at least be able to walk anywhere that a young woman ought to go without leaning on some man for support.
how much more graceful are the movements of men and women as they walk together, keeping step, but far enough apart so that each is perfectly free, than when locked together by the arms, especially in daylight, on a smooth path.
as age comes on, it is a beautiful thing to see a son or daughter supporting the steps of father, mother, or grandparents; but it is a pathetic scene, the beauty of which depends entirely upon its necessity. as a show of any special regard which two people may have for each other, it is ridiculous.
