joins the methodist society—nature and use of class-meetings—the witness of the spirit—faith and its fruits—religious experience—resolves to end his days in the service of god.

y views of the way of life were by this time greatly enlightened; i had also thoroughly informed myself relative to the drift and tenor of methodism. under a deep persuasion that the truth and power of scriptural piety prevailed among its professors, i joined their society in january, 1828; and trust never to be found without its pale, till mortality is exchanged for life. many persons are aware, and every one who intends becoming a member ought to know, that there are constantly held certain social weekly assemblies, entitled class-meetings, an entrance to one of which constitutes the beginning of membership. these are of first-rate importance. the conversations thus taking place under the direction of a leader, who is so named on account of his supposed superior religious experience and stability, tend, beyond any other plan ever formed, to keep alive a sense of spiritual things during the busy seasons of secular engagement; beside which, the general effect of these meetings in reference to the society at large, operates as a bond of union, so strong and indissoluble, that wherever the members are found, and let the outward circumstances be what they may under which they meet, they have, in reference to spiritual things and the mode of establishing their general worship, an immediate understanding. by the aid of this uniformity 245in opinion and belief, if a class were composed one half of london members and the other half of cherokee indians it would not, in a religious view, make the smallest difference. they would be sure to understand one another; for their pursuits are exactly the same. they walk by the same rule, they mind the same thing, and endeavour by one and the same simple process to keep the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.

in support of these regular meetings, which are peculiar to this section of the church, many cogent and conclusive arguments are urged. it should be understood that they are intended to promote the purposes of experimental piety, and nothing else. reasonings in their behalf are adduced from scripture: ‘they that feared the lord spake often one to another, and the lord hearkened and heard, and a book of remembrance was written before him for them that feared the lord, and that thought upon his name; and they shall be mine, saith he, when i make up my jewels.’ proofs of their propriety are derived from analogy. in most worldly schemes, and in the circle of arts, the actual value of improvements and discoveries is estimated by experiment. the purity of metals is ascertained by tests too nice to admit of imposition. the power of mechanics is tried by the application of certain criteria. in scientific pursuits and lectures, the positions advanced are usually illustrated by experiment, exhibited for the mutual instruction of assembled professors. these plans are adopted to prevent mistake and error, and give to the art or science those principles of perpetuity founded on demonstrated truth, that shall render them worthy of universal acceptance. is religion, then, to be the only pursuit in the prosecution of which experience is superfluous? shall a system of verities, involving eternal consequences, referrible to every human being, and, therefore, the most important the world ever saw, or can see, be suffered to float on the waters of 246contingency, when opportunities offer of coming at its nature and effect by actual experience? the reason, the happiness, the present well-being, and the future condition of man, conspire in giving a decided negative, and to censure conduct so rash and ruinous.

so, at least, the methodists think, and it will take some trouble to prove them wrong. i had not long met in one of these classes, which was conducted by a young man, the qualities of whose mind singularly fitted him for the office, when i discovered more clearly than ever my own moral deficiency and spiritual condemnation. i found, to my surprise, that several of the persons then present possessed a sense of their acceptance with god, through the merits of his son; and i was forcibly struck with the modest though decided manner in which this profession was made. the leader, i observed, took the principal part in the conversation; and moderated, advised, or explained, on the passing topic, as occasion required. i had received the spirit of bondage again to fear, which confined me in the prison-house of condemnation, and the discovery of those high attainments, of which i had living proofs, sent me with all imaginable haste to the scriptures; and, sure enough, i found the methodists knew what they were about.

the confidence they spake of is expressly mentioned as the privilege of all true believers. in writing to ‘all that be in rome, beloved of god, called to be saints,’ st. paul exults in the thought that, ‘the spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of god.’ the same doctrine is enforced in his epistle to the galatians, ‘because ye are sons, god hath sent forth the spirit of his son into your hearts, crying, abba, father.’ this delightful fruition of christian experience was exemplified in the instance of the great apostle himself. in addressing ‘all the saints in christ jesus which are at philippi, with the bishops and deacons,’ he is so filled with holy exultation 247and hope, that he declares himself to be ‘in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart and to be with christ, which is far better.’ and it is equally clear that this spiritual attainment was not an exclusive apostolical privilege; for in the epistle ‘to the saints and faithful brethren in christ, which are at colosse,’ he affirms concerning them, ‘and you, being dead in your sins, and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses.’ it is equally certain that those who live in the enjoyment of this distinguished mercy are conscious of it; for ‘he which establisheth us with you in christ, and hath anointed us, is god; who hath also sealed us, and given the earnest of his spirit in our hearts.’ no one, indeed, could possess a gift so estimable without knowing it, any more than a man could escape from dungeon-gloom into daylight without being sensible of deliverance.

this doctrine is also held forth where some people never think of looking for it, that is, in the service of the church of england. the worthy compilers of the book of common prayer seem in such haste to divulge the high attainment, that soon after the morning service has commenced we are told that the almighty ‘pardoneth and absolveth all them that truly repent, and unfeignedly believe his holy gospel.’ in the collect for the epiphany the assembled church is taught to pray, ‘that we, which know thee by faith, may after this life have the fruition of thy glorious godhead through jesus christ our lord.’ in the service for ash-wednesday the same doctrine is finely held forth: ‘create and make in us new and contrite hearts, that we, worthily lamenting our sins, and acknowledging our wretchedness, may obtain of thee, the god of all mercy perfect remission and forgiveness, through jesus christ our lord.’ verily, these are glorious truths; and were it not for their exceeding antiquity, i should conclude they were composed by one of the methodist preachers.

248with, a cloud of witnesses so commanding and influential, i could no longer question the truth of the doctrine of reconciliation by faith in jesus christ; so far from that, i felt a desire to obtain the blessing for myself. there was an impulse within me which seemed to say, ‘make the trial,’ this, i believe, was the call of mercy; and, thank god, my heart was eventually inclined to listen and obey. but the anguish that succeeded was excessive. the more closely i examined myself, the more aggravated and incurable my sins appeared. in this state i went one evening to the class; but was so cast down, and had fallen so deep into the bunyanite slough of despond, that i was nearly guilty of pliable’s error, who got out on the wrong side. i had resolved to tell my leader, that feeling myself no better i should come no more, and relinquish religious profession. on entering the room and taking a seat, the thought of my sinfulness almost drank up my spirit. it struck me, ‘why do you come here? you are a greater sinner than mary magdalene.’ nevertheless, i felt a desire, like the publican mentioned in the gospel, to look up and adopt his penitential request. i asked the leader to pray, and he kindly consented. while we were jointly engaged in this service, the lord spake peace to my heart. the change was indescribable, and inconceivable to all but the restored sinner. my burden was gone, and i rejoiced in the god of my salvation. i felt myself, as it were, elevated into a freer atmosphere, surrounded by a new creation. the means of grace appeared of more value than my daily food. i found special light and power by reading the scriptures on my knees, preceded or followed by prayer.

the retrospect of my past life fills me with amazement. i am astonished at the infatuation under which i formerly laboured, and at the forbearance of god who so long winked at my waywardness and folly. i well remember, that some time since, on sitting down to dinner, which i used to do 249without the least acknowledgment to god, a religious friend, who happened to come in, civilly asked if it was a custom to take my meals without asking the blessing of the giver? he made another observation or two, no doubt with the best intention. those were the days of soldierly hauteur and impatience. i was deeply offended with his interference, and felt half inclined to throw my adviser down stairs. my better sense, however, mastered the meditated revenge; and, thank the lord, i was preserved from laying hostile hands upon a man whose good counsel was so sadly despised, and who was, no doubt, in many respects a man far superior to myself. god forbid that i should cease to thank him for his restraining and enlightening grace.

but were i to retrace and collect all the causes, on account of which my gratitude arises, i know not where the end would be. one more i must mention, by reason of its magnitude. it is for delivering me from the errors and abominations of the church of rome. but if i rejoice, it must be mixed with trembling. i have greater cause for humility; and know, that ever since i had chosen the better part, had i been more faithful to the grace given my spiritual progress would have been greater. surrounded with a praying people, i felt anxious to adopt the methodist method of offering up extemporaneous petitions. i saw many others had no difficulty in the exercise, whose addresses to the almighty were remarkably copious and proper, though unaided by a printed form. ‘this,’ i thought, ‘is delightful; as the requests preferred arise from a sense of want, felt at the time; and i will join the company.’ i had miscalculated my gifts at that period; and accordingly, having uttered a few sentences, was unable to proceed. somewhat disconcerted at this misadventure, i resolved to act with more caution, and applied to my leader for a written prayer, which i proposed to commit to memory, before i attempted to deliver anything more in public. his reply 250was, ‘jesus will teach you how to pray.’ i felt at first rather discouraged at this answer, though i afterwards saw its propriety. my adversary, noticing the feebleness of my faith, immediately suggested, ‘there now, you see he cares nothing about you; he neglects even your small request!’ thank god, i gradually surmounted the difficulty, and have ever since been enabled, by a few plain sentences, to give expression to my wants, and to join my fellow-christians in their joint supplications to the throne of grace, the offering up of which has been so beneficial to the church of christ.

soon after this period i made another discovery, much more affecting and momentous than the deficiency of gifts,—it was deficiency of grace; and most seriously awful were the consequences. the scantiness of my knowledge, and very slender christian experience, had so far warped my judgment, that i began to conclude that the work in my heart was complete; and as all enemies were destroyed, little more remained but to ascend quietly to heaven. painful experience soon overthrew my air-built fabric, and taught the necessity of watchfulness and circumspection. it was about the season of christmas, when being inveigled into company by far too gay and mirthful for christian gravity, i was unhappily seduced into the sinful practices then in the ascendant. i felt at first some checks of conscience, but unhappily disregarded them. the beginning of sin is like the letting out of water. resistance must be immediate, or the mountain-torrent will defy opposition. the season of festive merriment, so called, continued for three days; and during the whole of that time, i was seduced by the indecent levities of thoughtless men, to whom i ought to have presented a better example. on the third night i awoke to a sense of my situation. my first sensations were like those of one who, having taken a wrong road, is suddenly smitten with the widening obliquity of his path, 251and knows not how to repair his error. my peace was gone. i felt that the spirit of god was grieved, and had withdrawn his influence. shorn of my strength, i had become weak as other men. i was afraid to be left alone, lest, impelled by satanic suggestion, i should rashly throw away my life. from this dread alternative i was, however, mercifully preserved.

after some time i so far rallied as to make an effort to pray; but i had no power to kneel before the lord. having betrayed my trust, i thought the divine anger had waxed hot against me, and that the weighty penalties of the holy law would fall upon and grind me to powder; nor had i courage to open my bible, as each of its denunciations seemed to stand in battle-array against me. i could neither eat nor sleep, so that my health visibly declined. my wife sent for medical help; but my case came not within the powers of the healing art. indeed i was ashamed to see the good man who paid the professional visit. nothing was fitted for my malady, save the balm of gilead, and the heavenly physician whose favour i had forfeited. hope itself seemed to expire; the enemy of my soul whispered: ‘it will require at least twenty years to recover what you have lost; and where will you be by that time?’ such, indeed, was my deplorable condition that i felt persuaded i should not survive many days. at last, when despair had almost devoured me, a gleam of encouragement, as the first dawn of light on the horizon’s extremest verge, arose on my soul. man’s extremity is god’s opportunity. the relief was like life from the dead, and came just in time to save me from impending destruction. the resurrection of lazarus was scarcely a greater miracle than this timely and critical deliverance; for in each instance there was an exertion of nothing less than omnipotence.

animated by this beginning of renewed confidence, i ventured again to approach the throne of grace. it was 252in the evening, at the family altar; and there the lord, in his infinite mercy, was pleased to cancel my transgression, and write his pardon on my heart. with him who had fled to tarshish, when overtaken in his folly, i was empowered to plead, ‘i am cast out of thy sight, yet will i look again toward thy holy temple.’ the saviour looked on me as heretofore. the glance of him i had denied humbled me at his feet, and i felt ready to hide myself in the dust. the undeserved and extraordinary manifestation of divine clemency i now experienced was so overwhelming that my faculties were hardly able to sustain it, and i had nearly fainted. that night, after a long and wearisome season, i retired to rest rejoicing; and from that period, all praise be to god, i have never been deprived of an abiding sense of his favour, and of my acceptance through the merit of his son. i have great reason to be thankful that for several years last past i have proved the all-sufficiency of divine grace, and have been able, in some humble degree, i trust, to walk circumspectly, redeeming the time. i have long since discovered, and hope never to forget, that the work of god in the soul of man is to be progressively matured. in the journeyings of a christian, no idle delays can exist with safety. he pulls against wind and tide; and if he cease to labour, the opposing current must waft him back. philosophy teaches that nature abhors a vacuum. the same thing may be said of grace. every portion of the space allotted as our earthly course, must be properly filled, so that our great pattern and example may be imitated, who was ever engaged in doing good, even to the unthankful.

i must here crave permission to recite another instance of divine goodness to myself, the unworthiest of all the servants who wait upon the lord. one evening i was invited to attend a band-meeting at sloane-terrace chapel, at which one of the stated ministers presided. i had for 253some time previously felt the necessity of more complete conformity to the will of god. i began to consider more deeply that if religion had any importance at all, it was all-important, and demanded the undivided homage of my heart. several passages of scripture bearing, as i thought, on the subject were applied to my mind with great energy; especially the 25th verse of the 36th of ezekiel: ‘then will i sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean; from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will i cleanse you. a new heart also will i give unto you, and a new spirit will i put within you; and i will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and i will give you an heart of flesh.’ another passage in the new testament, i thought had respect to the same subject, 1 john i. 7: ‘but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another; and the blood of jesus christ, his son, cleanseth us from all sin.’ on the strength of these gracious declarations, the anticipation of some added and glorious spiritual blessing was present with me. as the time of holding the band-meeting drew nigh, unbelief arose, by whose evil agency i was greatly shaken. ‘what right have you to appear among the people of god? why intrude yourself? you have been unfaithful already; do you mean to walk the same course again? are you fitted for duty so sacred as that you approach, or to enter into the presence of god and his chosen people?’ these were terrible siftings; but, sustained by the almighty, i surmounted the assault, and kept to my determination. i pleaded the promises, and found them exceeding great and precious. my past unfaithfulness was, indeed, a source of deep repentance and regret; but i remembered it was written: ‘all manner of sin shall be forgiven unto men;’ and, ‘whosoever cometh unto me, i will in no wise cast them out.’ according to my faith, so was it done unto me. my soul in confidence arose,—it rose and broke 254through all. the meeting was honoured with the master’s presence. like the disciples at emmaus, our hearts burned within us, while he opened our understandings, and applied his own merciful promises. god was pleased on this occasion to enlarge and renovate the hearts of his people. i was able with an unwavering hand to set to my seal that god is truth and love; and felt that from him alone proceeds the power to conquer inbred sin. the peace of god, which passeth all understanding, filled and satiated every power of my soul; while on earth, nor perhaps in heaven, shall i ever forget that season of holy exultation.

‘wherefore to him my feet shall run,

my eyes on his perfections gaze;

my soul shall live for god alone,

and all within me shout his praise.’

a few weeks after this memorable occasion, i had another visitation of divine mercy. this was in my own house, and just at midnight. i had indulged in wakeful meditations on the goodness of god, when my faith became gloriously strong. i beheld the saviour, high on his mediatorial throne, dispensing the gifts of his grace to fallen and repentant man. i felt a powerful application of his merits to my heart; was filled with an eager desire to be dissolved, and be with christ; and have reason to be thankful that the healing influence of this manifestation, though not always equally present, remains to the present day. i love the lord, because he hath heard the voice of my supplication. let my right hand forget her cunning, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, if i prefer not jerusalem to my chief joy.

conceiving it to be my duty to recommend religion to others, i invited several of my friends and neighbours to hear the word preached: of the effects produced upon them i am not perhaps competent to judge. some professed 255to differ with me in judgment. others, with the indifference of gallio, put off my importunities to a more convenient season. by a few my weakness was pitied; nor was i altogether exempt from contempt and derision. but none of these things move me. ‘all hail, reproach! and welcome, shame!’ only bring me to heaven at last, and i will make no complaint, though straight and thorny be the road. instances, i think, remain in which my well-intended, though humble efforts were not useless. may the bread cast upon the waters be found after many days! anxious to do something more for the benefit of others, i have been engaged for several years as a visitor in the stranger’s friend society, and a missionary collector; and i trust that he, in whose hands are the hearts of all men, will favour me with his cheering aid in running the errands of his love.

on all of my life that is past, i look back with humility and gratitude; on what is to come, with confidence. he that has thus far been my preserver and guide will not forsake me in the end. ‘being justified by faith, i have peace with god, through our lord jesus christ.’ nor can i reasonably doubt of the reality of the work; for ‘the spirit itself beareth witness’ to my adoption, that i am a child of god. i desire, therefore, tremblingly, but in the exercise of steadfast reliance on the promises, to exult in a consciousness of the divine presence; which, though invisible to mortal eye, is nigh to uphold and save. ‘behold, i go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but i cannot perceive him; on the left hand, where he doth work, but i cannot behold him; he hideth himself on the right hand, that i cannot see him; but he knoweth the way that i take: when he hath tried me, i shall come forth as gold.’

the almighty sustained me when foremost in the files of war, and no weapon was permitted to give the fatal 256blow. to repress vanity, and prove my dependence upon the shield of his protection, i was struck at the breach of badajos. but mercy was mingled with judgment; and though i fell, it was to rise again. the injury was not mortal. space was given for repentance; and now, such is the goodness of the lord, he hath placed me among the living in jerusalem. ‘for who hath despised the day of small things? for they shall rejoice, and shall see the plummet in the hands of zerubbabel, with those seven. his hands have laid the foundation, and his hands shall finish it. not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the lord of hosts.’

‘contented now upon my thigh

i halt, till life’s short journey end;

all helplessness, all weakness, i

on thee alone for strength depend,

nor have i power from thee to move;

thy nature and thy name is love.’