"'i do not know whether it is due to some inborn fatality of imagination, or to having heard some story or other of the kind with which children are so rashly allowed to be frightened, but the fact is, that since my earliest years nothing has caused me so much horror and alarm as a woman alone, in the street, at a late hour of the night. the effect is the same whether i actually encounter her, or simply have an image of her in my mind.
"'you can testify that i was never a coward. i fought a duel once, when i had to, like any other man. just after i had left the school of engineers, my workmen in despenaperros revolted, and i fought them with stick and pistol until i made them submit. all my life long, in jaen, in madrid, and elsewhere, i have walked the streets at all hours, alone and unarmed, and if i have chanced to run upon suspicious-looking persons, thieves, or mere sneaking beggars, they have had to get out of my way or take to their heels. but if the person turned out to be a solitary woman, standing still or walking, and i was also alone, with no one in sight in any direction—then (laugh if you want to, but believe me) i would be all covered over with goose-flesh; vague fears would assail me; i would think about beings of the other world, about imaginary existences, and about all the superstitious stories which would make me laugh under other circumstances. i would quicken my pace, or else turn back, and would not get over my fright in the least until safe in my own house.
"'once there i would fall a-laughing, and would be ashamed of my crazy fears. the only comfort i had was that nobody knew anything about it. then i would dispassionately remind myself that i did not believe in goblins, witches, or ghosts, and that i had no reason whatever to be afraid of that wretched woman driven from her home at such an hour by poverty, or some crime, or accident, to whom i might better have offered help, if she needed it, or given alms. nevertheless, the pitiable scene would be gone over again as often as a similar thing occurred—and remember that i was twenty-four years old, that i had experienced a great many adventures by night, and yet that i had never had the slightest difficulty of any sort with such solitary women in the streets after midnight! but nothing of what i have so far told you ever came to have any importance, since that irrational fear always left me as soon as i reached home, or saw any one else in the street, and i would scarcely recall it a few minutes afterwards, any more than one would recall a stupid mistake which had no result of any consequence.
"'things were going on so, when, nearly three years ago (unhappily, i have good reason for knowing the date, it was the night of november 15-16, 1857), i was coming home at three in the morning. as you remember, i was living then in that little house in jardines street, near montera street. i had just come, at that late hour, a bitter, cold wind blowing at the time, out of a sort of a gambling-house—i tell you this, although i know it will surprise you. you know that i am not a gambler. i went into the place, deceived by an alleged friend. but the fact was, that as people began to drop in about midnight, coming from receptions or the theatre, the play began to be very heavy, and one saw the gleam of gold in plenty. then came bank-bills and notes of hand. little by little i was carried away by the feverish and seductive passion, and lost all the money i had. i even went away missing a second sum, for which i had left my note behind me. in short, i ruined myself completely; and but for the legacy that came to me afterwards, together with the good jobs i have had, my situation would have been extremely critical and painful.
"so i was going home, i say, at so late an hour that night, numb with the cold, hungry, ashamed, and disgusted as you can imagine, thinking about my sick old father more than about myself. i should have to write to him for money, and this would astonish as much as it would grieve him, since he thought me in very easy circumstances. just before reaching my street, where it crosses peligros street, as i was walking in front of a newly-built house, i perceived something in its doorway. it was a tall, large woman, standing stiff and motionless, as if made of wood. she seemed to be about sixty years old. her wild and malignant eyes, unshaded by eyelashes, were fixed on mine like two daggers. her toothless mouth made a horrible grimace at me, meant to be a smile.
"the very terror or delirium of fear which instantly overcame me gave me somehow a most acute perception, so that i could distinguish at a glance, in the two seconds it took me to pass by that repugnant vision, the slightest details of her face and dress. let me see if i can put together my impressions in the way and form in which i received them, as they were engraved ineffaceably on my brain in the light of the street-lamp which shone luridly over that ghastly scene. but i am exciting myself too much, though there is reason enough for it, as you will see further on. don't be concerned, however, for the state of my mind. i am not yet crazy!
"'the first thing which struck me in that woman, as i will call her, was her extreme height and the breadth of her bony shoulders. then, the roundness and fixity of her dry, owl-eyes, the enormous size of her protruding nose, and the great dark cavern of her mouth. finally, her dress, like that of a young woman of avapies—the new little cotton handkerchief which she wore on her head, tied under her chin, and a diminutive fan which she carried open in her hand, and with which, in affected modesty, she was covering the middle of her waist.
"'nothing could be at the same time more ridiculous and more awful, more laughable and more taunting, than that little fan in those huge hands. it seemed like a make-believe sceptre in the hands of such an old, hideous, and bony giantess! a like effect was produced by the showy percale handkerchief adorning her face by the side of that cut-water nose, hooked and masculine; for a moment i was led to believe (or i was very glad to) that it was a man in disguise.
"'but her cynical glance and harsh smile were of a hag, of a witch, an enchantress, a fate, a—i know not what! there was something about her to justify fully the aversion and fright which i had been caused all my life long by women walking alone in the streets at night. one would have said that i had had a presentiment of that encounter from my cradle. one would have said that i was frightened by it instinctively, as every living being fears and divines, and scents and recognizes, its natural enemy before ever being injured by it, before ever having seen it, and solely on hearing its tread.
"'i did not dash away in a run when i saw my life's sphinx. i restrained my impulse to do so, less out of shame and manly pride than out of fear lest my very fright should reveal to her who i was, or should give her wings to follow me, to overtake me—i do not know what. panic like that dreams of dangers which have neither form nor name.
"'my house was at the opposite end of the long and narrow street, in which i was alone, entirely alone with that mysterious phantom whom i thought able to annihilate me with a word. how should i ever get home? oh, how anxiously i looked towards that distant montera street, broad and well lighted, where there are policemen to be found at all hours! i decided, finally, to get the better of my weakness; to dissemble and hide that wretched fear; not to hasten my pace, but to keep on advancing slowly, even at the cost of years of health or life, and in this way, little by little, to go on getting nearer to my house, exerting myself to the utmost not to fall fainting on the ground before i reached it.
"'i was walking along in this way—i must have taken about twenty steps after leaving behind me the doorway where the woman with the fan was hidden, when suddenly a horrible idea came to me—horrible, yet very natural nevertheless—the idea that i would look back to see if my enemy was following me. one thing or the other i thought, with the rapidity of a flash of lightning: either my alarm has some foundation or it is madness; if it has any foundation, this woman will have started after me, will be overtaking me, and there is no hope for me on earth. but if it is madness, a mere supposition, a panic fright like any other, i will convince myself of it in the present instance, and for every case that may occur hereafter, by seeing that that poor old woman has stayed in that doorway to protect herself from the cold, or to wait till the door is opened; and thereupon i can go on to my house in perfect tranquillity, and i shall have cured myself of a fancy that causes me great mortification.
"'this reasoning gone through with, i made an extraordinary effort and turned my head. ah, gabriel!—gabriel! how fearful it was! the tall woman had followed me with silent tread, was right over me, almost touching me with her fan, almost leaning her head on my shoulder.
"'why was she doing it?—why, my gabriel? was she a thief? was she really a man in disguise? was she some malicious old hag who had seen that i was afraid of her? was she a spectre conjured up by my very cowardice? was she a mocking phantasm of human self-deception?
"'i could never tell you all i thought in a single moment. if the truth must be told, i gave a scream and flew away like a child of four years who thinks he sees the black man. i did not stop running until i got out into montera street. once there, my fear left me like magic. this in spite of the fact that that street also was deserted. then i turned my head to look back to jardines street. i could see down its whole length. it was lighted well enough for me to see the tall woman, if she had drawn back in any direction, and, by heaven! i could not see her, standing still, walking, or in any way! however, i was very careful not to go back into that street again. the wretch, i said to myself, has slunk into some other doorway. but she can't move without my seeing her.
"'just then i saw a policeman coming up caballero de gracia street, and i shouted to him without stirring from my place. i told him that there was a man dressed as a woman in jardines street. i directed him to go round by the way of peligros and aduana streets, while i would remain where i was, and in that way the fellow, who was probably a thief or murderer, could not escape us. the policeman did as i said. he went through aduana street, and as soon as i saw his lantern coming along jardines street i also went up it resolutely.
"'we soon met at about the middle of the block, without either of us having encountered a soul, although we had examined door after door.
"'"he has got into some house," said the policeman.
"'"that must be so," i replied, opening my door with the fixed purpose of moving to some other street the next day.
"'a few moments later i was in my room; i always carried my latchkey, so as not to have to disturb my good jose. nevertheless, he was waiting for me that night. my misfortunes of the 15th and 16th of november were not yet ended.
"'"what has happened?" i asked him, in surprise.
"'"major falcon was here," he replied, with evident agitation, "waiting for you from eleven till half-past two, and he told me that, if you came home to sleep, you had better not undress, as he would be back at daybreak."
"'those words left me trembling with grief and alarm, as if they had predicted my own death to me. i knew that my beloved father, at his home in jean, had been suffering frequent and dangerous attacks of his chronic disease. i had written to my brothers that, if there should be a sudden and fatal termination of the sickness, they were to telegraph major falcon, who would inform me in some suitable way. i had not the slightest doubt, therefore, that my father had died.
"'i sat down in an arm-chair to wait for the morning and my friend, and, with them, the news of my great misfortune. god only knows what i suffered in those two cruel hours of waiting. all the while, three distinct ideas were inseparably joined in my mind; though they seemed unlike, they took pains, as it were, to keep in a dreadful group. they were: my losses at play, my meeting with the tall woman, and the death of my revered father.
"'precisely at six major falcon came into my room, and looked at me in silence. i threw myself into his arms, weeping bitterly, and he exclaimed, caressing me:
"'"yes, my dear fellow, weep, weep."'"
