in the summer of 1911 immediately after the coronation of king george there came one of those storms of international suspicion that ever and again threaten europe with war. it seems to have been brewed by some german adepts at welt-politik, those privileged makers of giant bombs who sit at the ears of foreign ministers suggesting idiotic wickedness, and it was brewed with a sublime ignorance of nearly every reality in the case. a german warship without a word of notice seized agadir on the atlantic coast of morocco, within the regions reserved to french influence; an english demand for explanations was uncivilly disregarded and england and france and presently germany began vigorous preparations for war. all over the world it was supposed that germany had at last flung down the gauntlet. in england the war party was only too eager to grasp what it considered to be a magnificent opportunity. heaven knows what the germans had hoped or intended by their remarkable coup; the amazing thing to note is that they were not prepared to fight, they had not even the necessary money ready and they could not get it; they had [pg 319]perhaps never intended to fight, and the autumn saw the danger disperse again into diplomatic bickerings and insincerely pacific professions. but in the high summer the danger had not dispersed, and in common with every reasonable man i found myself under the shadow of an impending catastrophe that would have been none the less gigantic and tragic because it was an imbecility. it was an occasion when everyone needs must act, however trivially disproportionate his action may be to the danger. i cabled gidding who was in america to get together whatever influences were available there upon the side of pacific intervention, and i set such british organs as i could control or approach in the same direction. it seemed probable that italy would be drawn into any conflict that might ensue; it happened that there was to be a conference of peace societies in milan early in september, and thither i decided to go in the not very certain hope that out of that assemblage some form of european protest might be evolved.
that august i was very much run down. i had been staying in london through almost intolerably hot weather to attend a races congress that had greatly disappointed me. i don't know particularly now why i had been disappointed nor how far the feeling was due to my being generally run down by the pressure of detailed work and the stress of thinking about large subjects in little scraps of time. but i know that a kind of despair came over me as i sat and looked at that multicolored assembly and heard in succession the heavy platitudes of white men, the slick, thin cleverness of hindoos, the rich-toned florid rhetoric of negroes. i lost sight of any germ of splendid possibility in all those people, and saw all too plainly the vanity, the jealousy, the self-interests that show up so harshly against the professions of every altruistic movement. it seemed all such a windy business against the firm prejudices, the vast accumulated interests that grind race against race. we had no common purpose at all at that conference, no proposal to hold us together. so much of it was like bleating on a hillside....
i wanted a holiday badly, and then came this war crisis and i felt unable to go away for any length of time. even bleating it seemed to me was better than acquiescence in a crime against humanity. so to get heart to bleat at milan i snatched at ten days in the swiss mountains en route. a tour with some taciturn guide involving a few middling climbs and glacier excursions seemed the best way of recuperating. i had never had any time for switzerland since my first exile there years ago. i took the advice of a man in the club whose name i now forget—if ever i knew it, a dark man with a scar—and went up to the schwarzegg hut above grindelwald, and over the strahlegg to the grimsel. i had never been up into the central mass of the bernese oberland before, and i was amazed and extraordinarily delighted by the vast lonely beauty of those interminable uplands of ice. i wished i could have lingered up there. but that is the tragedy of those sunlit desolations; one may not stay; one sees and exclaims and then looks at a watch. i wonder no one has ever taken an arctic equipment up into that wilderness, and had a good healing spell of lonely exaltation. i found the descent from the strahlegg as much of a climb as i was disposed to undertake; for an hour we were coming down frozen snow that wasn't so much a slope as a slightly inclined precipice....
from the grimsel i went over the rhone glacier to the inn on the furka pass, and then, paying off my guide and becoming frankly a pedestrian, i made my way round by the schöllenen gorge to goeschenen, and over the susten joch to the susten pass and stein, meaning to descend to meiringen.
but i still had four days before i went on to italy, and so i decided to take one more mountain. i slept at the stein inn, and started in the morning to do that agreeable first mountain of all, the titlis, whose shining genial head attracted me. i did not think a guide necessary, but a boy took me up by a track near gadmen, and left me to my siegfried map some way up the great ridge of rocks that overlooks the engstlen alp. i a little overestimated my mountaineering, and it came about that i was benighted while i was still high above the joch pass on my descent. some of this was steep and needed caution. i had to come down slowly with my folding lantern, in which a reluctant candle went out at regular intervals, and i did not reach the little inn at engstlen alp until long after eleven at night. by that time i was very tired and hungry.
they told me i was lucky to get a room, only one stood vacant; i should certainly not have enjoyed sleeping on a billiard table after my day's work, and i ate a hearty supper, smoked for a time, meditated emptily, and went wearily to bed.
but i could not sleep. usually, i am a good sleeper, but ever and again when i have been working too closely or over-exerting myself i have spells of wakefulness, and that night after perhaps an hour's heavy slumber i became thinly alert and very weary in body and spirit, and i do not think i slept again. the pain in my leg that the panther had torn had been revived by the day's exertion. for the greater part of my life insomnia has not been disagreeable to me. in the night, in the stillness, one has a kind of detachment from reality, one floats there without light, without weight, feeling very little of one's body. one has a certain disembodiment and one can achieve a magnanimity of thought, forgiveness and self-forgetfulness that are impossible while the body clamors upon one's senses. but that night, because, i suppose, i was so profoundly fatigued, i was melancholy and despondent. i could feel again the weight of the great beast upon me as he clawed me down and i clung—desperately, in that interminable instant before he lost his hold....
yes, i was extraordinarily wretched that night. i was filled with self-contempt and self-disgust. i felt that i was utterly weak and vain, and all the pretensions and effort of my life mere florid, fruitless pretensions and nothing more. i had lost all control over my mind. things that had seemed secondary before became primary, difficult things became impossible things. i had been greatly impeded and irritated in london by the manœuvres of a number of people who were anxious to make capital out of the crisis, self-advertising people who wanted at any cost to be lifted into a position of unique protest.... you see, that unfortunate nobel prize has turned the advocacy of peace into a highly speculative profession; the qualification for the winner is so vaguely defined that a vast multitude of voluntary idealists has been created and a still greater number diverted from the unendowed pursuit of human welfare in other directions. such a man as myself who is known to command a considerable publicity is necessarily a prey to those moral entrepreneurs. all sorts of ridiculous and petty incidents had forced this side of public effort upon me, but hitherto i had been able to say, with a laugh or sigh as the case warranted, "so much is dear old humanity and all of us"; and to remember the great residuum of nobility that remained. now that last saving consideration refused to be credible. i lay with my body and my mind in pain thinking these people over, thinking myself over too with the rest of my associates, thinking drearily and weakly, recalling spites, dishonesties and vanities, feuds and absurdities, until i was near persuaded that all my dreams of wider human understandings, of great ends beyond the immediate aims and passions of common everyday lives, could be at best no more than the refuge of shy and weak and ineffective people from the failure of their personal lives....
we idealists are not jolly people, not honest simple people; the strain tells upon us; even to ourselves we are unappetizing. aren't the burly, bellowing fellows after all righter, with their simple natural hostility to everything foreign, their valiant hatred of everything unlike themselves, their contempt for aspiring weakness, their beer and lush sentiment, their here-to-day-and-gone-tomorrow conviviality and fellowship? good fellows! while we others, lost in filmy speculations, in moon-and-star snaring and the chase of dreams, stumble where even they walk upright....
you know i have never quite believed in myself, never quite believed in my work or my religion. so it has always been with me and always, i suppose, will be. i know i am purblind, i know i do not see my way clearly nor very far; i have to do with things imperfectly apprehended. i cannot cheat my mind away from these convictions. i have a sort of hesitation of the soul as other men have a limp in their gait. god, i suppose, has a need for lame men. god, i suppose, has a need for blind men and fearful and doubting men, and does not intend life to be altogether swallowed up in staring sight. some things are to be reached best by a hearing that is not distracted by any clearer senses. but so it is with me, and this is the innermost secret i have to tell you.
i go valiantly for the most part i know, but despair is always near to me. in the common hours of my life it is as near as a shark may be near a sleeper in a ship; the thin effectual plank of my deliberate faith keeps me secure, but in these rare distresses of the darkness the plank seems to become transparent, to be on the verge of dissolution, a sense of life as of an abyssmal flood, full of cruelty, densely futile, blackly aimless, penetrates my defences....
i don't think i can call these stumblings from conviction unbelief; the limping man walks for all his limping, and i go on in spite of my falls. "though he slay me yet will i trust in him...."
i fell into an inconsecutive review of my life under this light that touched every endeavor with the pale tints of failure. and as that flow of melancholy reflection went on, it was shot more and more frequently with thoughts of mary. it was not a discursive thinking about mary but a definite fixed direction of thought towards her. i had not so thought of her for many years. i wanted her, i felt, to come to me and help me out of this distressful pit into which my spirit had fallen. i believed she could. i perceived our separation as an irreparable loss. she had a harder, clearer quality than i, a more assured courage, a readier, surer movement of the mind. always she had "lift" for me. and then i had a curious impression that i had heard her voice calling my name, as one might call out in one's sleep. i dismissed it as an illusion, and then i heard it again. so clearly that i sat up and listened—breathless....
mixed up with all this was the intolerable uproar and talking of a little cascade not fifty yards from the hotel. it is curious how distressing that clamor of running water, which is so characteristic of the alpine night, can become. at last those sounds can take the likeness of any voice whatever. the water, i decided, had called to me, and now it mocked and laughed at me....
the next morning i descended at some late hour by swiss reckoning, and discovered two ladies in the morning sunlight awaiting breakfast at a little green table. one rose slowly at the sight of me, and stood and surveyed me with a glad amazement.
