in october i met him at doubleton; we spent three days there together. he was enjoying his respite, as he didn’t scruple to tell me; and he talked to me a great deal—as usual—about lady vandeleur. he did n’t mention joscelind’s name, except by implication in this assurance of how much he valued his weeks of grace.
“do you mean to say that, under the circumstances, lady vandeleur is willing to marry you?”
i made this inquiry more expressively, doubtless, than before; for when we had talked of the matter then he had naturally spoken of her consent as a simple contingency. it was contingent upon the lapse of the first months of her bereavement; it was not a question he could begin to press a few days after her husband’s death.
“not immediately, of course; but if i wait, i think so.” that, i remember, was his answer.
“if you wait till you get rid of that poor girl, of course.”
“she knows nothing about that,—it’s none of her business.”
“do you mean to say she does n’t know you are engaged?”
“how should she know it, how should she believe it, when she sees how i love her?” the young man exclaimed; but he admitted afterwards that he had not deceived her, and that she rendered full justice to the motives that had determined him. he thought he could answer for it that she would marry him some day or other.
“then she is a very cruel woman,” i said, “and i should like, if you please, to hear no more about her.” he protested against this, and, a month later, brought her up again, for a purpose. the purpose, you will see, was a very strange one indeed. i had then come back to town; it was the early part of december. i supposed he was hunting, with his own hounds; but he appeared one afternoon in my drawing-room and told me i should do him a great favor if i would go and see lady vandeleur.
“go and see her? where do you mean, in norfolk?”
“she has come up to london—did n’t you know it? she has a lot of business. she will be kept here till christmas; i wish you would go.”
“why should i go?” i asked. “won’t you be kept here till christmas too, and is n’t that company enough for her?”
“upon my word, you are cruel,” he said, “and it’s a great shame of you, when a man is trying to do his duty and is behaving like a saint.”
“is that what you call saintly, spending all your time with lady vandeleur? i will tell you whom i think a saint, if you would like to know.”
“you need n’t tell me; i know it better than you. i haven’t a word to say against her; only she is stupid and hasn’t any perceptions. if i am stopping a bit in london you don’t understand why; it’s as if you had n’t any perceptions either! if i am here for a few days, i know what i am about.”
“why should i understand?” i asked,—not very candidly, because i should have been glad to. “it’s your own affair; you know what you are about, as you say, and of course you have counted the cost.”
“what cost do you mean? it’s a pretty cost, i can tell you.” and then he tried to explain—if i would only enter into it, and not be so suspicious. he was in london for the express purpose of breaking off.
“breaking off what,—your engagement?”
“no, no, damn my engagement,—the other thing. my acquaintance, my relations—”
“your intimacy with lady van—?” it was not very gentle, but i believe i burst out laughing. “if this is the way you break off, pray what would you do to keep up?”
he flushed, and looked both foolish and angry, for of course it was not very difficult to see my point. but he was—in a very clumsy manner of his own—trying to cultivate a good conscience, and he was getting no credit for it. “i suppose i may be allowed to look at her! it’s a matter we have to talk over. one does n’t drop such a friend in half an hour.”
“one does n’t drop her at all, unless one has the strength to make a sacrifice.”
“it’s easy for you to talk of sacrifice. you don’t know what she is!” my visitor cried.
“i think i know what she is not. she is not a friend, as you call her, if she encourages you in the wrong, if she does n’t help you. no, i have no patience with her,” i declared; “i don’t like her, and i won’t go to see her!”
mr. tester looked at me a moment, as if he were too vexed to trust himself to speak. he had to make an effort not to say something rude. that effort however, he was capable of making, and though he held his hat as if he were going to walk out of the house, he ended by staying, by putting it down again, by leaning his head, with his elbows on his knees, in his hands, and groaning out that he had never heard of anything so impossible, and that he was the most wretched man in england. i was very sorry for him, and of course i told him so; but privately i did n’t think he stood up to his duty as he ought. i said to him, however, that if he would give me his word of honor that he would not abandon miss bernardstone, there was no trouble i would n’t take to be of use to him. i did n’t think lady vandeleur was behaving well. he must allow me to repeat that; but if going to see her would give him any pleasure (of course there was no question of pleasure for her) i would go fifty times. i could n’t imagine how it would help him, but i would do it as i would do anything else he asked me. he did n’t give me his word of honor, but he said quietly, “i shall go straight; you need n’t be afraid;” and as he spoke there was honor enough in his face. this left an opening, of course, for another catastrophe. there might be further postponements, and poor lady emily, indignant for the first time in her life, might declare that her daughter’s situation had become intolerable and that they withdrew from the engagement. but this was too odious a chance, and i accepted mr. tester’s assurance. he told me that the good i could do by going to see lady vandeleur was that it would cheer her up, in that dreary, big house in upper brook street, where she was absolutely alone, with horrible overalls on the furniture, and newspapers—actually newspapers—on the mirrors. she was seeing no one, there was no one to see; but he knew she would see me. i asked him if she knew, then, he was to speak to me of coming, and whether i might allude to him, whether it was not too delicate. i shall never forget his answer to this, nor the tone in which he made it, blushing a little, and looking away. “allude to me? rather!” it was not the most fatuous speech i had ever heard; it had the effect of being the most modest; and it gave me an odd idea, and especially a new one, of the condition in which, at any time, one might be destined to find lady vandeleur. if she, too, were engaged in a struggle with her conscience (in this light they were an edifying pair!) it had perhaps changed her considerably, made her more approachable; and i reflected, ingeniously, that it probably had a humanizing effect upon her. ambrose tester did n’t go away after i had told him that i would comply with his request. he lingered, fidgeting with his stick and gloves, and i perceived that he had more to tell me, and that the real reason why he wished me to go and see lady vandeleur was not that she had newspapers on her mirrors. he came out with it at last, for that “rather!” of his (with the way i took it) had broken the ice.
“you say you don’t think she behaved well” (he naturally wished to defend her). “but i dare say you don’t understand her position. perhaps you would n’t behave any better in her place.”
“it’s very good of you to imagine me there!” i remarked, laughing.
“it’s awkward for me to say. one doesn’t want to dot one’s i’s to that extent.”
“she would be delighted to marry you. that’s not such a mystery.”
“well, she likes me awfully,” mr. tester said, looking like a handsome child. “it’s not all on one side; it’s on both. that’s the difficulty.”
“you mean she won’t let you go?—she holds you fast?”
but the poor fellow had, in delicacy, said enough, and at this he jumped up. he stood there a moment, smoothing his hat; then he broke out again: “please do this. let her know—make her feel. you can bring it in, you know.” and here he paused, embarrassed.
“what can i bring in, mr. tester? that’s the difficulty, as you say.”
“what you told me the other day. you know. what you have told me before.”
“what i have told you—?”
“that it would put an end to joscelind! if you can’t work round to it, what’s the good of being—you?” and with this tribute to my powers he took his departure.
