she was collected by the official leader of this particular dent's excursion at charing cross the next morning and swept into a second-class carriage with nine other excursionists, and next door there were more—she counted eighteen of them at one time crowding round the leader asking him questions—and besides these there was a crowd of ordinary passengers bustling about with holiday expressions, and several runaway couples, and every single person seemed like herself eager to be off.
the runaway couples, from the ravaged expressions on their faces, were being torn by doubts, perhaps already by repentances; but ingeborg, though she was deceiving her father who, being a bishop, should have been peculiarly inviolate, and her mother who, being sofa-ridden, should have appealed to her better nature, and her sister who, being exquisite, should have been guarded from any shadow that might dim her beauty, had none. she had been frightened that morning while she was packing and getting herself out of her aunt's house. the immense conviction of the servants that she was going home cowed her. and she had had to say little things—paddington, for instance, to the taxi driver when she knew she meant charing cross, and had blushed when she changed it through the window. but here she was, and there was a crowd of people doing exactly the same thing whose secure jollity, except in the case of those odd, sad couples, was contagious, and she felt both safe and as though she were the most normal creature in the world.
"what fun," she thought, her blood dancing as she watched the swarming, surging platform, "what fun."
often had she been at the redchester station in attendance on her departing father, but what a getting off was that compared with this hilarity. there was bustle, of course, because trains won't wait and people won't get out of the way, but the bishop's bustlings, particularly when their end was confirmations, were conducted with a kind of frozen offendedness; there was no life in him, she thought, remembering them, he didn't let himself go. on the other hand, she reflected, careful to be fair, you couldn't snatch illicitly at things like confirmations in the way you could at a dent's tour and devour them in secret with a fearful hidden joy. she felt like a bulb must feel, she thought, at the supreme moment when it has nosed its little spear successfully up through the mould it has endured all the winter and gets it suddenly out into the light and splendour of the world. the freedom of it! the joy of getting clear!
the excursionists in the carriage struggled to reach the window across her feet and say things to their friends outside. they all talked at once, and the carriage was full of sound and gesticulations. the friends on the platform could not hear, but they nodded and smiled sympathetically and shouted at intervals that it was going to be a good crossing. everybody was being seen off except herself and the runaway couples; indeed, you could know which those were by the gaps along the platform. she sat well back in her place, anxious to make herself as convenient as possible and to get her feet tucked out of the way, a typical daughter of provincial england and a careful home and the more expensive clergy, well-dressed, inconspicuous, and grey. her soft mouse-colour hat, as the fashion that spring still went on decreeing in the west, came down well over her eyes and ears, and little rings of cheerful hair of a scandinavian colouring wantoned beneath it. her small face was swallowed up in the shadow of the hat; you saw a liberal mouth with happy corners, and the nostrils of a selective nose, and there was an impression of freckles, and of a very fair sunny sort of skin.
the square german gentleman opposite her, knowing nobody in london and therefore being, but for a different and honourable reason, in her position of not having any one to see him off, filled up the time by staring. entirely unconscious that it might be embarrassing he sat and stared. with the utmost singleness of mind he wished to see the rest of her, when he would be able to determine whether she were pretty or not.
ingeborg, absorbed by the wild excitement on the platform, had not noticed him; but immediately the train started and the other passengers had sorted themselves into their seats and were beginning the furtive watchfulness of one another that was presently to resolve itself into acquaintanceship, she knew there was something large and steady opposite that was concentrated upon herself.
she looked up quickly to see what it was, and for a moment her polite intelligent eyes returned his stare. he decided that she had missed being pretty, and with a faint regret wondered what god was about.
"fattened up—yes, possibly," he thought. "fattened up—yes, perhaps."
and he went on staring because she happened to be exactly opposite, and there was nothing else except tunnels to look at.
the other excursionists were all in pairs; they thought ingeborg was, too, and put her down at first as the german gentleman's wife because he did not speak to her. there were two couples of young women, one of ladies of a riper age, and one of earnest young men who were mentioning balzac to each other almost before they had got to new cross. indeed, a surprising atmosphere of culture pervaded the compartment. ingeborg was astonished. except the riper ladies, who persisted in talking about shoolbred, they were all presently saying educated things. balzac, blake, bernard shaw, and mrs. florence barclay were bandied backwards and forwards across the carriage as lightly and familiarly as though they had been balls. in the far corner browning was being compared with tennyson; in the middle, dickens with thackeray. the two elder ladies, who kept to shoolbred, formed a sort of dam between these educated overflowings and the silent back-water in which ingeborg and the german gentleman sat becalmed. presently, owing to a politeness that could not allow even an outlying portion of any one else's clothing or belongings to be brushed against without "excuse me" having been said and "don't mention it" having been answered, acquaintanceships were made; chocolates were offered; they introduced each other to each other; for a brief space the young men's caps were hardly on their heads, and the air was murmurous with gratified noises. but the two riper ladies, passionately preoccupied by shoolbred, continued to dam up ingeborg and her opposite neighbour into a stagnant and unfruitful isolation.
she tried to peep round the lady next to her, who jutted out like a mountain with mighty boulders on it, so as to see the three people hidden in the valley beyond. glimpses of their knees revealed that they were just like the ones on the seat opposite. they were neat knees, a little threadbare; not with the delicate threadbareness of her own home in the palace at redchester, where splendours of carved stone and black oak and ancient glass were kept from flaunting their pricelessness too obviously in the faces of the local supporters of disestablishment by a christian leanness in the matter of carpets, but knees that were inexpensive because they had to be. who were these girls and young men, and the two abundant ladies, and the man with the vast thick head and unalterable stare? all people who did things, she was certain. not just anything, like herself, but regular things that began and stopped at fixed times, that were paid for. that was why they were able to do frankly and honourably what she was snatching at furtively in a corner. for a brief astonishing instant she was aware she liked the corner way best. staggered at this, for she could in no way reconcile it with the bishop, the cathedral, the home, nor with any of her thoughts down there while enfolded in these three absorbing influences, she tried to follow her father's oft-repeated advice and look into herself. but it did not help much. she saw, indeed, that she was doing an outrageous thing, but then she was very happy—happier than she had ever been in redchester, plied with legitimate episcopal joys. there was a keenness about this joy, the salt freshness of something jolly and indefensible done in secret. she did look at penitence sideways for an instant, but almost, at once decided that it was a thing that comes afterwards. first you do your thing. you must of course do your thing, or there couldn't be any penitence.
she sat up very straight, her face lit with these thoughts that both amused and frightened her, her lips slightly parted, her eyes radiant, ready for anything life had to offer.
"a little fattened up," thought the german gentleman; "a little even would probably suffice."
there was to be a night in paris—no time to see it, but you can't have everything, and paris is paris—and next morning into the train again, and down, down, all down the slope of the map of france to bâle, the gate of beauty, surely of heavenly beauty, and then you got there, and there were five whole days of wonder, and then....
her thoughts hesitated. why then she supposed, making an effort, you began to come back. and then....
but here she thought it wisest not to go on thinking.
"excuse me, but do you mind having that window up?" asked the lady on her right.
"oh, no," said ingeborg, darting at the strap with the readiness to help and obey she had been so carefully practised in.
it was stiff, and she fumbled at it, wondering a little why the man opposite just watched.
when she had got it up he undid the woollen scarf round his neck and unbuttoned the top button of his overcoat.
"at last," he said in a voice of relief, heaving an enormous sigh.
he looked at her and smiled.
instantly she smiled back. any shreds of self-consciousness she may have had clinging to her in her earlier days had been finally scraped off when judith, that amazing piece of loveliness, came out.
"were you cold?" she asked, with the friendly interest of a boy.
"naturally. when windows are open one is always cold."
"oh!" said ingeborg, who had never thought of that.
she perceived from his speech that he was a foreigner. from the turned-down collar and white tie beneath his opened scarf she also was made aware that he was a minister of religion. "how they pursue me," she thought. even here, even in a railway carriage reserved for dent's excursionists only, one of them had filtered through. she also saw that he was of a drab complexion, and that his hair, drab, too, and close-cropped and thick, seemed to be made of beaver.
"but that's what windows are for," she said, after reflecting on it.
"no."
the two large ladies let shoolbred pause while they looked at each other.
they considered ingeborg's behaviour forward. she ought not to have spoken first. impossible on a dent's tour not to make friends—indeed the social side of these excursions is the most important—but there are rules. the other end of the carriage had observed the rules. the two ladies hoped they had not joined anything not quite high-toned. the other end had carried out the rules with rigid savoir-vivre; had accidentally touched and trodden on; had apologised; had had its apologies accepted; had introduced and been introduced; and so had cleared the way to chocolates.
"no?" repeated ingeborg inquiringly.
"the aperture was there first," said the german gentleman.
"of course," said ingeborg, seeing he waited for her to admit it.
"and in the fulness of the ages came man, and mechanically shut it."
"yes," said ingeborg. "but—"
"consequently, the function of windows is to shut apertures."
"yes. but—"
"and not to open that which, without them, was open already."
"y'es. but—"
"it would be illogical," said the german gentleman patiently, "to contend that their function is to open that which, without them, was open already."
reassured by the word illogical, which was a nice word, well known to and quite within the spirit of a dent's tour, the two ladies went on with shoolbred where they had left him off.
"the first day i was in england i went about logically, and shut each single window in my boarding-house. i then discovered that this embittered the atmosphere around me."
"it would thicken it," nodded ingeborg, interested.
"it did. and my calling after all being that of peace, and my visit so short, that whatever happened could be endured, i relinquished logic and purchased in its place a woollen scarf. this one. then i gave myself up unrestrictedly to their air."
"and did you like it?"
"it made me recollect with pleasure that i was soon going home. in east prussia there are, on the one hand, drawbacks; but, on the other, are double windows, stoves, and a just proportion of feathers for each man's bed. till the draughts and blankets of the boarding-house braced me to enduring instead of enjoying i had thought my holiday too short, and when i remembered my life and work at home—my official life and work—it had been appearing to me puny."
"puny?" said ingeborg, her eyes on his white tie.
"puny. the draughts and blankets of the boarding-house cured me. i am returning gladly. my life there, i say to myself, may be puny but it is warm. so," he added, smiling, "a man learns content."
"taught by draughts and blankets?"
"taught by going away."
"oh?" said ingeborg. had providence then only led her to that poster in order that she should learn content? were dent's tours really run, educationally, by providence?
"but—" she began, and then slopped.
"it is necessary to go away in order to come back," said the german gentleman, again with patience.
"yes. of course. but—"
"the chief use of a holiday is to make one hungry to have finished with it."
"oh no," she protested, the joy of holiday in her voice.
"ah. you are at the beginning."
"the very beginning."
"yet at the end you, too, will return home reconciled."
she looked at him and shook her head.
"i don't think reconciled is quite the—" she paused, thinking. "to what?" she went on. "to puniness, too?"
the two ladies faltered in their conversation, and glanced at ingeborg, and then at each other.
"perhaps not to puniness. you are not a pastor."
there was a distinct holding of the breath of the two ladies. the german gentleman's slow speech fell very clearly on their sudden silence.
"no," said ingeborg. "but what has that—"
"i am. and it is a puny life."
ingeborg felt a slight curdling. she thought of her father—also, if you come to that, a pastor. she was sure there was nothing in anything he ever did that would strike him as puny. his life was magnificent and important, filled to bursting point with a splendid usefulness and with a tendency to fill the lives of every one who came within his reach to their several bursting points, too. but he, of course, was a prince of the church. still, he had gone through the church's stages, beginning humbly; yet she doubted whether at any moment of his career he had looked at it and thought it puny. and was it not indeed the highest career of all? however breathless and hurried it made one's female relations in its upper reaches, and drudging in its lower, the very highest?
but though she was curdled she was interested.
"it might not be amiss," continued the pastor, looking out of the window at some well-farmed land they were passing, "if it were not for the sundays."
again she was curdled.
"but—"
"they spoil it."
she was silent; and the silence of the two ladies appeared to acquire a frost.
"it is the fatal habit of sundays," he went on, following the disappearing land with his eyes, "to recur."
he paused, as if waiting for her to agree.
she had to, because it was a truth one could not get away from. "yes," she said, reluctantly. "of course. it's their nature." then a wave of memories suddenly broke over her, and she added warmly "oh don't they!"
the frost of the ladies seemed to settle down. it grew heavy.
"they interrupt one's work," he said.
"but they are your work," she said, puzzled.
"no."
she stared. "but," she began, "a pastor—"
"a pastor is also a man."
"yes," said ingeborg, "but—"
"you have no doubt observed that he is, invariably, also a man."
"yes," said ingeborg, "but—"
"and a man of intelligence—i am a man of intelligence—cannot fill up his life with the meagre materials offered by the practice of the tenets of the lutheran church."
"oh—the lutheran church," said ingeborg, catching at a straw.
"any church."
she was silent. she felt how immensely her father would not have liked it. she felt it was wicked to sit there and listen. she also felt, strange and dreadful to observe, refreshed.
"then," she began, knitting her brows, for really this at its best was bad taste, and bad taste, she had always been taught, was the very worst—oh, but how nice it was, a little bit of it, after the swamps of good taste one waded about in in cathedral cities! she knitted her brows, aghast at her thoughts. "then what," she asked, "do you fill your life up with?"
"manure," said the german gentleman.
the ladies leapt in their places.
"ma—" began ingeborg; then stopped.
"i am engaged in endeavouring to teach the peasants of my parish how best to farm their poor pieces of land."
"oh, really," said ingeborg, politely.
"i do it by example. they do not attend to words. i have bought a few acres and experiment before their eyes. our soil is the worst in germany. it is inconceivably thankless. and the peasants resemble it."
"oh, really," said ingeborg.
"the result of the combination is poverty."
"so then, i suppose," said ingeborg, with memories of the bishop's methods, "you preach patience."
"patience! i preach manure."
again at the dreadful word the ladies leapt.
"it is," he said solemnly, his eyes glistening with enthusiasm, "the foundation of a nation's greatness."
"i hadn't thought of it like that," said ingeborg, seeing that he waited.
"but on what then does a state depend in the last resort?"
she was afraid to say, for there seemed to be so many possible answers.
"naturally on its agriculture," said the pastor, with the slight irritation of one obliged to linger over the obvious.
"of course," said the pliable ingeborg, trained in acquiescence.
"and on what does agriculture depend in the last resort?"
brilliantly she hazarded "manure."
for the third time the ladies leapt, and the one next to her drew away her dress.
he showed his appreciation of her intelligence by nodding slowly.
"a nation must be fed," he said, "and empty fields will feed no one."
"of course not," said ingeborg.
"so that it is the chief element in all progress; for the root of progress flourishes only in a filled stomach."
the ladies began to fan themselves violently, nervously, one with the daily mirror the other with answers.
"of course," said ingeborg.
"first," said the german gentleman, "you fill your stomach—"
the lady next to ingeborg made a sudden lunge across her at the strap.
"excuse me, but do you mind putting that window down?" she said in a sort of burst.
the german gentleman, stemmed in his speech, used the interval while ingeborg opened the window in buttoning up his overcoat again with care and patience and readjusting his muffler.
when he had attended to these things he resumed his enthusiasm; he seemed to switch it on again.
"the infinite combinations of it!" he exclaimed. "its infinite varieties! kali, kainit, chilisaltpetre, superphosphates"—he rolled out the words as though they were the verse of a psalm. "when i shut the door on myself in the little laboratory i have constructed i shut in with me all life, all science, every possibility. i analyse, i synthesize, i separate, reduce, combine. i touch the stars. i stir the depths. the daily world is forgotten. i forget, indeed, everything, except my research. and invariably at the most profound, the most exalted moments some one knocks and tells me it is sunday again, and will i come out and preach."
he looked at her indignantly, demanding sympathy. "preach!" he repeated.
"then why," she asked, with the courage of curiosity, "are you a pastor?"
"because my father made me one."
"but why are you still one?"
"because a man must live."
"he oughtn't to want to," said ingeborg with a faint flush, for she had been carefully trained to shyness when it came to pronouncing opinions—the bishop called it being womanly—"he oughtn't to want to at the cost of his convictions."
"nevertheless," said the pastor, "he does."
"yes," said ingeborg, obliged to admit it; even at redchester cases were not unknown. "he does," she said, nodding. "of course he does." and unable not to be at least as honest as the pastor she added: "and so does a woman."
"naturally," said the pastor.
she looked at him a moment, and then said impulsively, pulling herself a little forward towards him by the window strap—
"this woman does. she's doing it now."
the two ladies exchanged glances and fluttered their fans faster.
"which woman?" inquired the pastor, whose mastery of english, though ripe, was not nimble.
"this one," said ingeborg, pointing at herself. "me. i'm living at this very moment—i'm whirling along in this train—i'm running away for this holiday entirely at the cost of my convictions."
