the maxwells were, in fact, effectively stirring up the ambitions of their flock, routing the older members out of a too easy-going acceptance of things-as-they-are, and giving to the younger ones vistas of a life imbued with more color and variety than had hitherto entered their consciousness. and yet it happened at durford, on occasion, that this awakening of new talents and individuality produced unlocked for complications.
"oh yes," hepsey remarked one day to mrs. betty, when the subject of conversation had turned to mrs. burke's son and heir, "nickey means to be a good boy, but he's as restless as a kitten on a hot johnny-cake. he isn't a bit vicious, but he do run his heels down at the corners, and he's awful wearin' on his pants-bottoms and keeps me patchin' and mendin' most of the time--'contributing to the end in view,' as abraham lincoln said. but, woman-like, i guess he finds the warmest spot in my heart when i'm doin' some sort of repairin' on him or his clothes. it would be easier if his intentions wasn't so good, 'cause i could spank him with a clear conscience if he was vicious. but after all, nickey seems to have a winnin' way about him. he knows every farmer within three miles; he'll stop any team he meets, climb into the wagon seat, take the reins, and enjoy himself to his heart's content. all the men seem to like him and give in to him; more's the pity! and he seems to just naturally lead the other kids in their games and mischief."
"oh well, i wouldn't give a cent for a boy who didn't get into mischief sometimes," consoled mrs. betty.
at which valuation nickey was then in process of putting himself and his young friends at a premium. for, about this time, in their efforts to amuse themselves, nickey and some of his friends constructed a circus ring back of the barn: after organizing a stock company and conducting several rehearsals, the rest of the boys in the neighborhood were invited to form an audience, and take seats which had been reserved for them without extra charge on an adjoining lumber pile. besides the regular artists there were a number of specialists or "freaks," who added much to the interest and excitement of the show.
for example, sam cooley, attired in one of mrs. burke's discarded underskirts, filched from the ragbag, with some dried cornstalk gummed on his face, impersonated the famous bearded lady from hoboken.
billy burns, wearing a very hot and stuffy pillow buttoned under his coat and thrust down into his trousers, represented the world-renowned fat man from spoonville. his was rather a difficult role to fill gracefully, because the squashy pillow would persist in bulging out between his trousers and his coat in a most indecent manner; and it kept him busy most of the time tucking it in.
dimple perkins took the part of the snake charmer from brooklyn, and at intervals wrestled fearlessly with a short piece of garden hose which was labeled on the bills as an "anna condy." this he wound around his neck in the most reckless manner possible; it was quite enough to make one's blood run cold to watch him.
the king of the cannibal islands was draped in a buffalo robe, with a gilt paper crown adorning his head, and a very suggestive mutton-bone in his hand.
poor little herman amdursky was selected for the living skeleton, because of the spindle-like character of his nethermost limbs. he had to remove his trousers and his coat, and submit to having his ribs wound with yards of torn sheeting, in order that what little flesh he had might be compressed to the smallest possible compass. the result was astonishingly satisfactory.
the wild man from borneo wore his clothes wrong side out, as it is well known wild men from borneo always do; and he ate grass with avidity. wry-mouthed and squint-eyed, he was the incarnation of the cubist ideal.
when all this splendid array of talent issued from the dressing-room and marched triumphantly around the ring, it was indeed a proud moment in the annals of durford, and the applause from the lumber pile could be heard at least two blocks.
after the procession, the entertainment proper consisted of some high and lofty tumbling, the various "turns" of the respective stars, and then, last of all, as a grand finale, charley, the old raw-boned farm horse who had been retired on a pension for at least a year, was led triumphantly into the ring, with nickey burke standing on his back!
charley, whose melancholy aspect was a trifle more abject than usual, and steps more halting, meekly followed the procession of actors around the ring, led by dimple, the snake charmer. nickey's entree created a most profound sensation, and was greeted with tumultuous applause--a tribute both to his equestrian feat and to his costume.
nickey had once attended a circus at which he had been greatly impressed by the artistic decorations on the skin of a tattooed man, and by the skill of the bareback rider who had turned somersaults while the horse was in motion. it occurred to him that perhaps he might present somewhat of both these attractions, in one character.
maxwell had innocently stimulated this taste by lending him a book illustrated with lurid color-plates of indians in full war paint, according to tribe.
so nickey removed his clothes, attired himself in abbreviated red swimming trunks, and submitted to the artistic efforts of dimple, who painted most intricate, elaborate, and beautiful designs on nickey's person, with a thick solution of indigo purloined from the laundry.
nickey's breast was adorned with a picture of a ship under full sail. on his back was a large heart pierced with two arrows. a vine of full blown roses twined around each arm, while his legs were powdered with stars, periods, dashes, and exclamation points in rich profusion. a triangle was painted on each cheek, and dabs of indigo were added to the end of his nose and to the lobe of each ear by way of finishing touches.
when the work was complete, nickey surveyed himself in a piece of broken mirror in the dressing-room, and to tell the truth, was somewhat appalled at his appearance; but dimple perkins hastened to assure him, saying that a dip in the river would easily remove the indigo; and that he was the living spit and image of a tattooed man, and that his appearance, posed on the back of charley, would certainly bring the house down.
dimple proved to be quite justified in his statement, so far as the effect on the audience was concerned; for, as nickey entered the ring, after one moment of breathless astonishment, the entire crowd arose as one man and cheered itself hoarse, in a frenzy of frantic delight. now whether charley was enthused by the applause, or whether the situation reminded him of some festive horseplay of his youth, one cannot tell. at any rate, what little life was left in charley's blood asserted itself. quickly jerking the rope of the halter from the astonished hand of dimple perkins, charley turned briskly round, and trotted out of the yard and into the road, while nickey, who had found himself suddenly astride charley's back, made frantic efforts to stop him.
as charley emerged from the gate, the freaks, the regular artists, the gymnasts, and the entire audience followed, trailing along behind the mounted tattooed man, and shouting themselves hoarse with encouragement or derision.
as charley rose to the occasion and quickened his pace, the heat of the sun, the violent exercise of riding bareback, and the nervous excitement produced by the horror of the situation, threw nickey into a profuse sweat. the bluing began to run. the decorations on his forehead trickled down into his eyes; and as he tried to rub off the moisture with the back of his hand the indigo was smeared liberally over his face. his personal identity was hopelessly obscured in the indigo smudge; and the most vivid imagination could not conjecture what had happened to the boy. it was by no means an easy feat to retain his seat on charley's back; it would have been still more difficult to dismount, at his steed's brisk pace; and nickey was most painfully conscious of his attire, as charley turned up the road which led straight to the village. at each corner the procession was reinforced by a number of village boys who added their quota to the general uproar and varied the monotony of the proceeding by occasionally throwing a tin can at the rider on the white horse. when charley passed the rectory, and the green, and turned into church street, nickey felt that he had struck rock bottom of shameful humiliation.
for many years it had been charley's habit to take mrs. burke down to church on wednesday afternoons for the five o'clock service; and although he had been out of commission and docked for repairs for some time, his subliminal self must have got in its work, and the old habit asserted itself: to the church he went, attended at a respectful distance by the bearded lady, the fat man, the snake charmer, the king of the cannibal islands, the living skeleton, and the wild man from borneo, to say nothing of a large and effective chorus of roaring villagers bringing up the rear.
it really was quite clever of charley to recall that, this being wednesday, it was the proper day to visit the church,--as clever as it was disturbing to nickey when he, too, recalled that it was about time for the service to be over, and that his mother must be somewhere on the premises, to say nothing of the assembled mothers of the entire stock company--and the rector, and the rector's wife.
mrs. burke, poor woman, was quite unconscious of what awaited her, as she emerged from the service with the rest of the congregation. it was an amazed parent that caught sight of her son and heir scrambling off the back of his steed onto the horse-block in front of the church, clad in short swimming trunks and much bluing. the freaks, the regular artists, the gymnasts, and the circus audience generally shrieked and howled and fought each other, in frantic effort to succeed to nickey's place on charley's back--for charley now stood undismayed and immovable, with a gentle, pious look in his soft old eyes.
for one instant, mrs. burke and her friends stood paralyzed with horror; and then like the good mothers in israel that they were, each jumped to the rescue of her own particular darling--that is, as soon as she could identify him. consternation reigned supreme. mrs. cooley caught the bearded lady by the arm and shook him fiercely, just as he was about to land an uppercut on the jaw of the king of the cannibal islands. mrs. burns found her offspring, the fat man, lying dispossessed on his back in the gutter, while sime wilkins, the man who ate glass, sat comfortably on his stomach. sime immediately apologized to mrs. burns and disappeared. next, mrs. perkins took the snake charmer by his collar, and rapped him soundly with the piece of garden hose which she captured as he was using it to chastise the predatory wild man from borneo. other members of the company received equally unlooked-for censure of their dramatic efforts.
nickey, meantime, had fled to the pump behind the church, where he made his ablutions as best he could; then, seeing the vestry room door ajar, he, in his extremity, bolted for the quiet seclusion of the sanctuary.
to his surprise and horror, he found maxwell seated at a table looking over the parish records; and when nickey appeared, still rather blue, attired in short red trunks, otherwise unadorned, donald gazed at him in mute astonishment. for one moment there was silence as they eyed each other; and then maxwell burst into roars of uncontrollable laughter, which were not quite subdued as nickey gave a rather incoherent account of the misfortune which had brought him to such a predicament.
"so you were the tattooed man, were you! well, i suppose you know that it's not generally customary to appear in church in red tights; but as you couldn't help it, i shall have to see what can be done for you, to get you home clothed and in your right mind. i'll tell you! you can put on one of the choir boy's cassocks, and skip home the back way. if anybody stops you tell them you were practising for the choir, and it will be all right. but really, nickey, if i were in your place, the next time i posed as a mounted tattooed man, i'd be careful to choose some old quadruped that couldn't run away with you!"
"then you aren't mad at me!"
"certainly not. i'll leave that to my betters! you just get home as fast as you can."
"gee! but you're white all right--you know it didn't say nothing in the book, about what kind of paint to use!"
maxwell's eyes opened. "what book are you talking about, nickey?" he asked.
"the one you let me take, with the indians in it."
maxwell had to laugh again. "so that's where the idea for this 'carnival of wild west sports' originated, eh?"
"yes, sir," nickey nodded. "everybody wanted to be the tattooed man, but seeing as i had the book, and old charley was my horse, i couldn't see any good reason why i shouldn't get tattooed. gee! i'll bet ma will be mad!"
after being properly vested in a cassock two sizes too large for him, nickey started on a dead run for home, and, having reached the barn, dressed himself in his customary attire. when he appeared at supper mrs. burke did not say anything; but after the dishes were washed she took him apart and listened to his version of the affair.
"nicholas burke," she said, "if this thing occurs again i shall punish you in a way you won't like."
"well, i'm awfully sorry," said nickey, "but it didn't seem to feaze mr. maxwell a little bit. he just sat and roared as if he'd split his sides. i guess i 'aint goin' to be put out of the church just yet, anyway."
mrs. burke looked a bit annoyed.
"never mind about mr. maxwell. you won't laugh if anything like this occurs again, i can tell you," she replied.
"now, ma," soothed nickey, "don't you worry about it occurrin' again. you don't suppose i did it on purpose, do you? gosh no! i wouldn't get onto charley's back again, with my clothes off, any more than i'd sit on a hornet's nest. how'd you like to ride through the town with nothin' on but your swimmin' trunks and drippin' with bluin water, i'd like to know?"
mrs. burke did not care to prolong the interview any further, so she said in her severest tones:
"nicholas burke, you go to bed instantly. i've heard enough of you and seen enough of you, for one day."
nickey went.
