there ought to be a radical change in marriage customs in the united states, if we would avoid a terrible deterioration of social life.
in the early days of our country, when most of the inhabitants were representatives of the classes which have supplied populations for all new countries, marriage, as among the lower order of peasantry everywhere else in the world, and among the savages besides, was a mere mating of male and female. women were brought over by shiploads to be disposed of, as wives, to the earlier virginia planters; no stories have come down to us of cruelties or mismatings, yet the transactions were as plainly a matter of purchase and sale as any in the subsequent trade in black slaves. the rapid settlement of the country, the improvement in civilization, which has come through the multiplication of large villages and of cities, the general facilities for obtaining education, such as exist in no other country, have{248} made ours the land above all others in which generations may rise rapidly from the social position of their ancestors. consequently there is no part of the world in which the marriage relation should be so closely guarded as here.
does this seem over particular, in this land of freedom and era of emancipation from narrow views? then look carefully over a list of the richest and most influential men who have come to the front within the past few years, particularly in the newer states; regard their marital relations—this will do no harm to any of them who are respectable—and consider the nature of the influence which these people exert upon society around them. the subject is not easy or pleasant to discuss, but, fortunately, there are not many people who cannot discuss it for themselves.
to expect to bring about the desired change by religious means, which are the first to suggest themselves either to the christian or the philosopher, is impossible. however desirable it may be our political system has made it impossible for us as a body of people to go back to the customs of a period which was superior to ours in regard to the sanctity of marriage relations. however much these relations may be regarded as sacraments by some, and as specially sanctified by others, the making of the marriage relation a matter of mere civil contract has become so generally{249} a fact in law that it is impossible any longer to expect the majority of people to abide by the precedents and customs of different churches. the fact is, the churches don’t do it themselves. divorced people who have no moral right to remarry are continually taking new partners and ministers are performing the ceremony.
the danger, aside from easy divorce, of which more anon, is in the probable change of social condition of the contracting parties. men and women, mating in their very early years, as is the custom in all small villages and agricultural districts, frequently find themselves, by some happy accident, raised to a higher degree of financial standing than they had expected, and in the newer portions of the country, which contain a large majority of our population, such change of material condition carries social importance and influence with it. as would be the case anywhere else in the world, the change of condition shows itself differently in man and woman. the man of means quickly finds himself a man of mark among his fellows, and rapidly receives a vast amount of that valuable education which comes from what some philosopher has called “the attrition of minds.” his wife, relieved of the drudgery which is almost inseparable from poverty, does not follow her husband intellectually, unless such is her natural bent. she consequently devotes her leisure and improved material condition{250} to luxury and to show. from this difference of conditions in a family which was once united can be found the basis of many thousands of divorce suits.
you take exception to the expression “intellectual?” you are wrong. i know it is the fashion to regard literature, law, theology and other so-called learned professions as sole possessors of the world’s intellect, but this is all nonsense. it requires just as much intellect—intellect of just as high order—to put a railroad through a new country, or to invent a new threshing machine, or to manage a turbulent town-meeting, or to work a bill through the legislature, as to write a poem, sermon, or novel, or to plead a case in court. edison and ericsson are as much men of intellect as longfellow or lowell; the difference in their lives is one of taste and detail—not of brain and intellectual endeavor. the position in which money places a man anywhere, except in the large cities—and it isn’t safe to except these much—compels him to use his intellect a great deal, and to sharpen it frequently. unless his wife is his partner in every sense of the word, she is going to be left behind. that is not the worst of it; there are plenty of bright women lying in wait for the man who has plenty of money and a stupid wife.
among those not yet married the same danger is ever apparent. men have always been guided{251} more by impulse than reason in the selection of their mates, and to this day philosophers often marry fools. consequently it is not surprising that young men of strong natural intelligence and great energy, who nevertheless have not yet received their fair start in life or developed their powers to the uttermost, select their brides through some mere fancy or caprice, which might never lead to bad results were their condition in life always to remain as it was in the beginning. but the reports of hundreds of divorce cases, which have amused the public to some extent, disgusted it still more, and horrified the thinking portion, show that alleged incompatibilities are generally the results of changes of condition, which have caused husband and wife to drift apart for reasons not at all related to the conjugal state.
it would be natural to suppose that the churches would give the subject special attention, the world’s morality being more dependent upon proper marriage than all other influences combined, religion itself not excepted. well, the church does something in this direction. it does a great deal, but not one-thousandth part of what is necessary. a pastor of no matter what denomination gladly welcomes the opportunity, which, nevertheless, is seldom made by himself, to urge upon young people the seriousness of the marriage relation, the necessity of affection, constancy{252} and forbearance, and to show them to the best of his ability glowing pictures of the final results of conjugal faithfulness. but constant warnings, such as are given against a great many sins of less serious influence upon the world, are seldom heard in churches. homilies on the subject of marriage are ordered by some denominations to be delivered once in three months. if they were heard once in three days their injunctions would be none too frequent for the necessities of the great mass of people who are most interested in the marriage relation, or, at least, most curious about it.
a happy wife, happy during and after half a lifetime spent in wedlock which did not escape the usual number of family troubles and sorrows, said once to me that the trouble with marriage was that conjugal impulse and conjugal sense were the scarcest faculties of the feminine nature. i would not dare quote this if it were not said by a woman instead of a man. desiring at times to raise expectant brides to the highest sense of their coming responsibilities and privileges, but reluctant to put her own heart upon her sleeve, she tried to find something in print to give them by way of counsel and admonition, but she did not succeed. novels about love and marriage can be found by the thousands. how many of them are of any value at all for purposes of instruction and forewarning? i leave the answer{253} to women who most read novels. from those who are mothers i have never been able to obtain the names of a half dozen.
there seems to be such a thing as inheritance by sex. woman was for thousands of years the slave or the plaything of man, and she is unconsciously but terribly avenging herself for the wrongs done her by the ruder sex. the best she could hope for in earlier days, the best that many of her sex now dare hope for, is home, protection and kind treatment. the kindness may be that the man shows to his horse or his dog, perhaps to his friend, but the fact that the woman is to be legally his equal, the appreciation of this, is as rare as the resolve of the woman herself to make herself equal to the position.
what is the result? why, girls, sweet girls, girls whom good men regard as only a little lower than the angels, often marry for causes which should not justify any but the commonest women in marrying at all. a girl whom all of us adore for her goodness, delicacy and sweetness, suddenly appalls us some day by accepting as her husband some gross fellow who has nothing but his pocket-book to recommend him. were she to attach herself to him without marriage vows and ceremony, although perhaps with absolute honesty of devotion and singleness of purpose, the world would be horrified. yet where is the difference as regards her own life? many other{254} women know, if she does not, that no elaborateness of ceremony or solemnity can ever make a perfect marriage between a woman and a boor. yet the old story of “beauty and the beast” is repeated every day a thousand times, except that the fairy touch which transformed the beast into a gentleman never occurs nowadays—except in novels.
there is prevalent a stupid notion, born of vulgar natures, too vulgar to understand that the almighty never endowed humanity with any quality which had not a noble purpose, that it is not safe to let young people know or think anything about the realities of marriage. people allude at once to fixed passion as if the only passion possible to the marriage state were physical, and as if the companionship, sympathy, devotion, tenderness and continuity of a friendship solemnly pledged for life, a friendship of a character that children instinctively long for and youths desire more earnestly than all things else combined, never entered into the thoughts of young people. this is an insulting imputation upon your children and mine and of every other man’s beside.
strong sense of duty may do much to correct the ruinous notion of young women regarding marriage, but it is not enough in itself. women of strong sense of duty are probably commoner than men with the same desirable qualification.{255} yet all of us know of men who have strayed from married mates who were pure, faithful, and dutiful—well, everything that a conscientious servant could be. but, if a man’s wife is no more to him than a first-class servant, she cannot prevent him yielding to temptation if he is so disposed. no man worthy of the name marries for the sake of obtaining a servant. it is far more convenient, besides infinitely cheaper, to obtain servants and housekeepers through the ordinary channels. religion is the strongest influence for good that humanity knows, but religion alone cannot make a perfect wife of a well-meaning woman. there is no condition of life in which one virtue can be successfully substituted for another, and no amount of prayer and faith can make a good wife of a good woman without distinct conjugal impulse and purpose.
neither can the maternal instinct, an honest impulse which of itself has made wives of many good women, who otherwise never would have married at all. to be the mother of a man’s children should and may entitle a woman to high respect, but many mormons, who heartily respect their wives, do not hesitate to seek companionship of other women.
a woman needs the conjugal instinct to make a good wife of herself and a happy and faithful man of her husband. if it is not in her she should acquire it before giving her hand and life{256} to any man. the better the man, the more persistently should she hesitate before marrying without this requisite quality. the mother who does not inculcate the necessity of this impulse and quality is more remiss of her duty than if she left her children’s stockings undarned and their dinners uncooked.
as nearly all affection concerns itself with the relations of the sexes, and particularly with what is alleged to be love, it is commonly assumed that young women are sufficiently instructed through desultory reading on what is frequently called the grand passion. this appellation, “grand passion,” truly describes what the novelists usually give us as love, and is no more education or preparation of the young person contemplating marriage than the outside of a lot of school-books would be to a student desiring to graduate at a college. the novelist prudently ends his story where marriage begins. up to that time everything is very plain sailing for both man and woman, but there, where the necessity for knowledge begins, the novelist discreetly ends his tale. how can he do more? were he to make his story as it should be, in the light of human experience, it is doubtful whether young men and young women would read it at all.
is all the blame of marriage failures to be attributed to women? by no means. the men are terribly faulty creatures, but it is the general{257}
image not available: bird’s eye view of the proposed buildings of the university of chicago.
bird’s eye view of the proposed buildings of the university of chicago.
opinion that, through some reason or collection of reasons, the conjugal instinct in man is more fully developed than in woman. most of us know of men not very good, some of them not good at all, who become model husbands from the time of marriage. how many know of wild women, of careless girls, of whom the same could be said? whether this is due to the invisible connection between the material and the spiritual; whether woman’s nature is kept in an embryonic state to the verge of deterioration by the modern custom of bringing up girls in-doors, denying them physical exercise, separating them from associations with their brothers, to say nothing of other members of the ruder sex; whether the increasing prosperity of the world, which makes it no longer necessary that the entire interests of the family, including some of the confidences between husband and wife, should be heard by children as once they were, the fact certainly is that the opinion which the young girl at the present day has of matrimony is one of the most appallingly inaccurate notions that can be encountered in conversation anywhere.
then how is the desired change to be brought about? only through public sentiment, in which the churches ought to take the lead. marriage by accident, which is the common method, should be frowned upon and discouraged, no matter how romantic or “cunning” the preliminaries may{258} seem. everybody knows that men never enter into a business partnership, which may be terminated at any time, without some sense of the fitness and compatibility of the contracting parties. were they to fail in this respect, all of their friends would protest, and all of their acquaintances would make fun of them. both parties would suffer in business reputation by such a blunder. it should be the same, though far more earnestly, regarding the life-partnership that is formed at a wedding. all relatives of the contracting parties have at least one interest at stake which justifies them in protesting against a blunder—i allude to family reputation.
then aren’t young, tender, loving hearts to be allowed to choose for themselves? nonsense! how much of love, in the true meaning of the word, is to be found in the great majority of marriages? if men, as a class, loved their sweethearts as much as they loved their dogs, there would be less ground for complaint; but men seldom tire of their dogs; who is there that does not know men who tire of their wives?
am i harping again upon woman’s failure to remain dear to her husband? no; but i do say that the girl who makes the “best match,” as the saying is, and by marrying money marries above her station, is accepting more than she may afterward be able to live up to. marriages should be between equals—persons who are competent to{259} support one another in any and every condition to which their material life can ever lead them.
as for men, the greatest sinners, though not the greatest sufferers, by marriage blunders, the man who marries except with the idea of making his wife his closest companion, should be regarded by all his acquaintances a deliberate scoundrel. a chance passion is no excuse for marriage; neither is a condescending pity. the man who marries merely for the sake of getting a permanent cook, housekeeper or plaything, is equally a scoundrel, and deserves more earnest and general execration than if he entered into familiar relations with a woman without the formality of marriage. the whole community should be on guard against man or woman who makes any less of marriage ties than the highest honor demands.
some people whose conjugal relations are irregular, are irreproachable otherwise, do you say? yes; but you can say as much about some thieves and forgers; except for their one fault they are good fellows. the moral influence upon the community of an unfaithful or careless husband or wife is worse than that of a common criminal, for there is no fixed passion in human nature that causes people’s minds to dwell upon theft or forgery or murder, and to make excuses for the persons who are guilty of them.
