i was born in the year one, of the present or christian hera, and am, in consquints, seven-and-thirty years old. my mamma called me charles james harrington fitzroy yellowplush, in compliment to several noble families, and to a sellybrated coachmin whom she knew, who wore a yellow livry, and drove the lord mayor of london.
why she gev me this genlmn’s name is a diffiklty, or rayther the name of a part of his dress; however, it’s stuck to me through life, in which i was, as it were, a footman by buth.
praps he was my father — though on this subjict i can’t speak suttinly, for my ma wrapped up my buth in a mistry. i may be illygitmit, i may have been changed at nuss; but i’ve always had genlmnly tastes through life, and have no doubt that i come of a genlmnly origum.
the less i say about my parint the better, for the dear old creatur was very good to me, and, i fear, had very little other goodness in her. why, i can’t say; but i always passed as her nevyou. we led a strange life; sometimes ma was dressed in sattn and rooge, and sometimes in rags and dutt; sometimes i got kisses, and sometimes kix; sometimes gin, and sometimes shampang; law bless us! how she used to swear at me, and cuddle me; there we were, quarrelling and making up, sober and tipsy, starving and guttling by turns, just as ma got money or spent it. but let me draw a vail over the seen, and speak of her no more — its ‘sfishant for the public to know, that her name was miss montmorency, and we lived in the new cut.
my poor mother died one morning, hev,n bless her! and i was left alone in this wide wicked wuld, without so much money as would buy me a penny roal for my brexfast. but there was some amongst our naybors (and let me tell you there’s more kindness among them poor disrepettable creaturs, than in half a dozen lords or barrynets) who took pity upon poor sal’s orfin (for they bust out laffin when i called her miss montmorency), and gev me bred and shelter. i’m afraid, in spite of their kindness, that my morrils wouldn’t have improved if i’d stayed long among ’em. but a benny-violent genlmn saw me, and put me to school. the academy which i went to was called the free school of saint bartholomew’s the less — the young genlmn wore green baize coats, yellow leather whatsisnames, a tin plate on the left arm, and a cap about the size of a muffing. i stayed there sicks years; from sicks, that is to say, till my twelth year, during three years of witch i distinguished myself not a little in the musicle way, for i bloo the bellus of the church horgin, and very fine tunes we played too.
well, it’s not worth recounting my jewvenile follies (what trix we used to play the applewoman! and how we put snuff in the old clark’s prayer-book — my eye!); but one day, a genlmn entered the school-room — it was on the very day when i went to subtraxion — and asked the master for a young lad for a servant. they pitched upon me glad enough; and nex day found me sleeping in the sculry, close under the sink, at mr. bago’s country-house at pentonwille.
bago kep a shop in smithfield market, and drov a taring good trade in the hoil and italian way. i’ve heard him say, that he cleared no less than fifty pounds every year by letting his front room at hanging time. his winders looked right opsit newgit, and many and many dozen chaps has he seen hanging there. laws was laws in the year ten, and they screwed chaps’ nex for nex to nothink. but my bisniss was at his country-house, where i made my first ontray into fashnabl life. i was knife, errint, and stable-boy then, and an’t ashamed to own it; for my merrits have raised me to what i am — two livries, forty pound a year, malt-licker, washin, silk-stocking, and wax candles — not countin wails, which is somethink pretty considerable at our house, i can tell you.
i didn’t stay long here, for a suckmstance happened which got me a very different situation. a handsome young genlmn, who kep a tilbry and a ridin horse at livry, wanted a tiger. i bid at once for the place; and, being a neat tidy-looking lad, he took me. bago gave me a character, and he my first livry; proud enough i was of it, as you may fancy.
my new master had some business in the city, for he went in every morning at ten, got out of his tilbry at the citty road, and had it waiting for him at six; when, if it was summer, he spanked round into the park, and drove one of the neatest turnouts there. wery proud i was in a gold-laced hat, a drab coat and a red weskit, to sit by his side, when he drove. i already began to ogle the gals in the carridges, and to feel that longing for fashionabl life which i’ve had ever since. when he was at the oppera, or the play, down i went to skittles, or to white condick gardens; and mr. frederic altamont’s young man was somebody, i warrant: to be sure there is very few man-servants at pentonwille, the poppylation being mostly gals of all work; and so, though only fourteen, i was as much a man down there, as if i had been as old as jerusalem.
but the most singular thing was, that my master, who was such a gay chap, should live in such a hole. he had only a ground-floor in john street — a parlor and a bedroom. i slep over the way, and only came in with his boots and brexfast of a morning.
the house he lodged in belonged to mr. and mrs. shum. they were a poor but proliffic couple, who had rented the place for many years; and they and their family were squeezed in it pretty tight, i can tell you.
shum said he had been a hofficer, and so he had. he had been a sub-deputy assistant vice-commissary, or some such think; and, as i heerd afterwards, had been obliged to leave on account of his nervousness. he was such a coward, the fact is, that he was considered dangerous to the harmy, and sent home.
he had married a widow buckmaster, who had been a miss slamcoe. she was a bristol gal; and her father being a bankrup in the tallow-chandlering way, left, in course, a pretty little sum of money. a thousand pound was settled on her; and she was as high and mighty as if it had been a millium.
buckmaster died, leaving nothink; nothink except four ugly daughters by miss slamcoe: and her forty pound a year was rayther a narrow income for one of her appytite and pretensions. in an unlucky hour for shum she met him. he was a widower with a little daughter of three years old, a little house at pentonwille, and a little income about as big as her own. i believe she bullyd the poor creature into marridge; and it was agreed that he should let his ground-floor at john street, and so add somethink to their means.
they married; and the widow buckmaster was the gray mare, i can tell you. she was always talking and blustering about her famly, the celebrity of the buckmasters, and the antickety of the slamcoes. they had a six-roomed house (not counting kitching and sculry), and now twelve daughters in all; whizz. — 4 miss buckmasters: miss betsy, miss dosy, miss biddy, and miss winny; 1 miss shum, mary by name, shum’s daughter, and seven others, who shall be nameless. mrs. shum was a fat, red-haired woman, at least a foot taller than s.; who was but a yard and a half high, pale-faced, red-nosed, knock-kneed, bald-headed, his nose and shut-frill all brown with snuff.
before the house was a little garden, where the washin of the famly was all ways hanging. there was so many of ’em that it was obliged to be done by relays. there was six rails and a stocking on each, and four small goosbry bushes, always covered with some bit of linning or other. the hall was a regular puddle: wet dabs of dishclouts flapped in your face; soapy smoking bits of flanning went nigh to choke you; and while you were looking up to prevent hanging yourself with the ropes which were strung across and about, slap came the hedge of a pail against your shins, till one was like to be drove mad with hagony. the great slattnly doddling girls was always on the stairs, poking about with nasty flower-pots, a-cooking something, or sprawling in the window-seats with greasy curl-papers, reading greasy novels. an infernal pianna was jingling from morning till night — two eldest miss buckmasters, “battle of prag”— six youngest miss shums, “in my cottage,” till i knew every note in the “battle of prag,” and cussed the day when “in my cottage” was rote. the younger girls, too, were always bouncing and thumping about the house, with torn pinnyfores, and dogs-eard grammars, and large pieces of bread and treacle. i never see such a house.
as for mrs. shum, she was such a fine lady, that she did nothink but lay on the drawing-room sophy, read novels, drink, scold, scream, and go into hystarrix. little shum kep reading an old newspaper from weeks’ end to weeks’ end, when he was not engaged in teaching the children, or goin for the beer, or cleanin the shoes: for they kep no servant. this house in john street was in short a regular pandymony.
what could have brought mr. frederic altamont to dwell in such a place? the reason is hobvius: he adoared the fust miss shum.
and suttnly he did not show a bad taste; for though the other daughters were as ugly as their hideous ma, mary shum was a pretty little pink, modest creatur, with glossy black hair and tender blue eyes, and a neck as white as plaster of parish. she wore a dismal old black gownd, which had grown too short for her, and too tight; but it only served to show her pretty angles and feet, and bewchus figger. master, though he had looked rather low for the gal of his art, had certainly looked in the right place. never was one more pretty or more hamiable. i gav her always the buttered toast left from our brexfust, and a cup of tea or chocklate, as altamont might fancy: and the poor thing was glad enough of it, i can vouch; for they had precious short commons up stairs, and she the least of all.
for it seemed as if which of the shum famly should try to snub the poor thing most. there was the four buckmaster girls always at her. it was, mary, git the coal-skittle; mary, run down to the public-house for the beer; mary, i intend to wear your clean stockens out walking, or your new bonnet to church. only her poor father was kind to her; and he, poor old muff! his kindness was of no use. mary bore all the scolding like a hangel, as she was: no, not if she had a pair of wings and a goold trumpet, could she have been a greater hangel.
i never shall forgit one seen that took place. it was when master was in the city; and so, having nothink earthly to do, i happened to be listening on the stairs. the old scolding was a-going on, and the old tune of that hojus “battle of prag.” old shum made some remark; and miss buckmaster cried out, “law, pa! what a fool you are!” all the gals began laffin, and so did mrs. shum; all, that is, excep mary, who turned as red as flams, and going up to miss betsy buckmaster, give her two such wax on her great red ears as made them tingle again.
old mrs. shum screamed, and ran at her like a bengal tiger. her great arms vent veeling about like a vinmill, as she cuffed and thumped poor mary for taking her pa’s part. mary shum, who was always a-crying before, didn’t shed a tear now. “i will do it again,” she said, “if betsy insults my father.” new thumps, new shreex; and the old horridan went on beatin the poor girl till she was quite exosted, and fell down on the sophy, puffin like a poppus.
“for shame, mary,” began old shum; “for shame, you naughty gal, you! for hurting the feelings of your dear mamma, and beating your kind sister.”
“why, it was because she called you a —”
“if she did, you pert miss,” said shum, looking mighty dignitified, “i could correct her, and not you.”
“you correct me, indeed!” said miss betsy, turning up her nose, if possible, higher than before; “i should like to see you erect me! imperence!” and they all began laffin again.
by this time mrs. s. had recovered from the effex of her exsize, and she began to pour in her wolly. fust she called mary names, then shum.
“oh, why,” screeched she, “why did i ever leave a genteel famly, where i ad every ellygance and lucksry, to marry a creatur like this? he is unfit to be called a man, he is unworthy to marry a gentlewoman; and as for that hussy, i disown her. thank heaven she an’t a slamcoe; she is only fit to be a shum!”
“that’s true, mamma,” said all the gals; for their mother had taught them this pretty piece of manners, and they despised their father heartily: indeed, i have always remarked that, in famlies where the wife is internally talking about the merits of her branch, the husband is invariably a spooney.
well, when she was exosted again, down she fell on the sofy, at her old trix — more screeching — more convulshuns: and she wouldn’t stop, this time, till shum had got her half a pint of her old remedy, from the “blue lion” over the way. she grew more easy as she finished the gin; but mary was sent out of the room, and told not to come back agin all day.
“miss mary,” says i — for my heart yurned to the poor gal, as she came sobbing and miserable down stairs: “miss mary,” says i, “if i might make so bold, here’s master’s room empty, and i know where the cold bif and pickles is.” “oh, charles!” said she, nodding her head sadly, “i’m too retched to have any happytite.” and she flung herself on a chair, and began to cry fit to bust.
at this moment who should come in but my master. i had taken hold of miss mary’s hand, somehow, and do believe i should have kist it, when, as i said, haltamont made his appearance. “what’s this?” cries he, lookin at me as black as thunder, or as mr. phillips as hickit, in the new tragedy of macbuff.
“it’s only miss mary, sir,” answered i.
“get out, sir,” says he, as fierce as posbil; and i felt somethink (i think it was the tip of his to) touching me behind, and found myself, nex minit, sprawling among the wet flannings and buckets and things.
the people from up stairs came to see what was the matter, as i was cussin and crying out. “it’s only charles, ma,” screamed out miss betsy.
“where’s mary?” says mrs. shum, from the sofy.
“she’s in master’s room, miss,” said i.
“she’s in the lodger’s room, ma,” cries miss shum, heckoing me.
“very good; tell her to stay there till he comes back.” and then miss shum went bouncing up the stairs again, little knowing of haltamont’s return.
. . . . . .
i’d long before observed that my master had an anchoring after mary shum; indeed, as i have said, it was purely for her sake that he took and kep his lodgings at pentonwille. excep for the sake of love, which is above being mersnary, fourteen shillings a wick was a little too strong for two such rat-holes as he lived in. i do blieve the famly had nothing else but their lodger to live on: they brekfisted off his tea-leaves, they cut away pounds and pounds of meat from his jints (he always dined at home), and his baker’s bill was at least enough for six. but that wasn’t my business. i saw him grin, sometimes, when i laid down the cold bif of a morning, to see how little was left of yesterday’s sirline; but he never said a syllabub: for true love don’t mind a pound of meat or so hextra.
at first, he was very kind and attentive to all the gals; miss betsy, in partickler, grew mighty fond of him: they sat, for whole evenings, playing cribbitch, he taking his pipe and glas, she her tea and muffing; but as it was improper for her to come alone, she brought one of her sisters, and this was genrally mary — for he made a pint of asking her, too — and one day, when one of the others came instead, he told her, very quitely, that he hadn’t invited her; and miss buckmaster was too fond of muffings to try this game on again: besides, she was jealous of her three grown sisters, and considered mary as only a child. law bless us! how she used to ogle him, and quot bits of pottry, and play “meet me by moonlike,” on an old gitter: she reglar flung herself at his head: but he wouldn’t have it, bein better ockypied elsewhere.
one night, as genteel as possible, he brought home tickets for “ashley’s,” and proposed to take the two young ladies — miss betsy and miss mary, in course. i recklect he called me aside that afternoon, assuming a solamon and misterus hare, “charles,” said he, “are you up to snuff?”
“why sir,” said i, “i’m genrally considered tolerably downy.”
“well,” says he, “i’ll give you half a suffering if you can manage this bisness for me; i’ve chose a rainy night on purpus. when the theatre is over, you must be waitin with two umbrellows; give me one, and hold the other over miss buckmaster: and, hark ye, sir, turn to the right when you leave the theater, and say the coach is ordered to stand a little way up the street, in order to get rid of the crowd.”
we went (in a fly hired by mr. a.), and never shall i forgit cartliche’s hacting on that memrable night. talk of kimble! talk of magreedy! ashley’s for my money, with cartlitch in the principal part. but this is nothink to the porpus. when the play was over, i was at the door with the umbrellos. it was raining cats and dogs, sure enough.
mr. altamont came out presently, miss mary under his arm, and miss betsy following behind, rayther sulky. “this way, sir,” cries i, pushin forward; and i threw a great cloak over miss betsy, fit to smother her. mr. a. and miss mary skipped on and was out of sight when miss betsy’s cloak was settled, you may be sure.
“they’re only gone to the fly, miss. it’s a little way up the street, away from the crowd of carridges.” and off we turned to the right, and no mistake.
after marchin a little through the plash and mud, “has anybody seen coxy’s fly?” cries i, with the most innocent haxent in the world.
“cox’s fly!” hollows out one chap. “is it the vaggin you want?” says another. “i see the blackin wan pass,” giggles out another gentlmn; and there was such a hinterchange of compliments as you never heerd. i pass them over though, because some of ’em were not wery genteel.
“law, miss,” said i, “what shall i do? my master will never forgive me; and i haven’t a single sixpence to pay a coach.” miss betsy was just going to call one when i said that; but the coachman wouldn’t have it at that price, he said, and i knew very well that she hadn’t four or five shillings to pay for a wehicle. so, in the midst of that tarin rain, at midnight, we had to walk four miles, from westminster bridge to pentonwille; and what was wuss, i didn’t happen to know the way. a very nice walk it was, and no mistake.
at about half-past two, we got safe to john street. my master was at the garden gate. miss mary flew into miss betsy’s arms, while master begun cussin and swearing at me for disobeying his orders, and turning to the right instead of to the left! law bless me! his hacting of hanger was very near as natral and as terrybl as mr. cartlich’s in the play.
they had waited half an hour, he said, in the fly, in the little street at the left of the theater; they had drove up and down in the greatest fright possible; and at last came home, thinking it was in vain to wait any more. they gave her ‘ot rum-and-water and roast oysters for supper, and this consoled her a little.
i hope nobody will cast an imputation on miss mary for her share in this adventer, for she was as honest a gal as ever lived, and i do believe is hignorant to this day of our little strattygim. besides, all’s fair in love; and, as my master could never get to see her alone, on account of her infernal eleven sisters and ma, he took this opportunity of expressin his attachment to her.
if he was in love with her before, you may be sure she paid it him back again now. ever after the night at ashley’s, they were as tender as two tuttle-doves — which fully accounts for the axdent what happened to me, in being kicked out of the room: and in course i bore no mallis.
i don’t know whether miss betsy still fancied that my master was in love with her, but she loved muffings and tea, and kem down to his parlor as much as ever.
now comes the sing’lar part of my history.
