a few weeks later, the holidays, like all other good things, came to an end, and the six returned to school.
on the opening day a certain great man—great in his own estimation, at least—was to deliver a speech to the school children. this notable gentleman bristled with facts and figures; but, alas! he had acquired so much erudition that he had lost all sense of the fitness of things. having learned all that is possible for one mortal to know, and yet live, he now made it his pursuit to journey through the country, delivering lectures at the different colleges, and sometimes, as in this instance, at the public schools. there was nothing wicked about this most peculiar man; but, with all his learning, he lacked one thing—practical wisdom.
he was of “slender bulk,”—that is, short and gaunt—saffron-faced, and had a pugilistic and threatening manner of poising himself while speaking, his hands, meantime, describing geometrical curves that were picturesque in the extreme. his eyes were sharp and prominent; his nose followed suit: and his cane, which was stout and elaborately ornamented, was worth, to descend to a hackneyed comparison, an emperor’s ransom.
he employed the same technical terms that he did when addressing the most polished audiences; and, for that[107] reason, the younger children looked upon him as a sort of hero, while to george and marmaduke he was a full-fledged demi-god. the former (george) listened attentively to the lecture, and took mental note of the big words, with a view to explain their import to his less learned schoolfellows, should an opportunity offer for doing so without too much ostentation. but, alas! poor youth, many words which were strange to him rolled glibly from the professors tongue.
here we pause—not to make a “digression,” but a vulgar harangue.
the writer has the temerity to hazard the assertion that there might be, in some lone corner of the world, an english-speaking romancer, as familiar with a foreign language as with his own, who could write a tale about people speaking that language, and yet have his tale so purely and thoroughly english that the most neuralgic critic could not cavil or repine. but this is only a rash surmise, and is probably fanciful.
or is it only those who have acquired a smattering of another language that are so eager to lug in words and phrases peculiar to that language?
when will the mediocre writer of english come to understand that his meanest, as well as his sublimest ideas, may be manifested with as much force in english as in any other language? alas, never! instead of saying “such a man is a sharper,” he says, “such a man is a chevalier d’industrie.” what could be more expressive than “he is a devil of a fellow?” and yet our learned penmen prefer to say, “he is uomo stupendo!” it is a notorious fact, that whatever language a writer is most conversant in, he draws upon oftenest. happily, the reading public are not much bored with scraps from the esquimau.
but, protests the reader, there are certain terms, and entire phrases, that are not yet anglicized, but that are in everybody’s mouth.
very true; against the proper use of such terms and phrases, in moderation, no objections can be raised.
having thus prated nonsense enough to incur the[108] deadly hatred of every sentimental scribbler to the weeklies of rural towns, this interesting argument may be dropped, particularly as it only heads up to the following observation:—
our circumforaneous holderforth was one of those who cannot make a speech without “borrowing from the classics;” but (for the best of reasons, gentle reader) we kindly suppress his redundancies in that respect.
after a few introductory remarks, he cleared his throat, and in sonorous tones began to speak of—hydrophobia! why he should pitch on that as a subject of discussion is as great a marvel as the man himself. possibly, he had been bitten by an exasperated mad dog at some period in his life, and could not overcome the temptation of speaking of it now. but the probability is that he considered himself the fountain-head of all sciences and theories, of physics and etiology. at all events, whatever the wiseacre’s motive may have been, it is certain that he spoke of hydrophobia.
“my dear little children,” he began, affectionately, “it is of the utmost importance that you should be made acquainted with the latest discoveries that science has made with regard to that most subtle distemper, learnedly called lycanthropy. to those among you who intend to become physicians on attaining majority, this subject will be absorbingly interesting. it is not my purpose to trace this dread distemper from the first mention we have of it down to the present time, but merely to give you a concise description of its operations in the human system, from its incipient stages to the final paroxysms, and also to touch upon the various methods of treatment in repute among those who have conquered immortality by their researches in that field.
“probably none of you ever beheld a rabid canine. when fleshed in the blood of his victims, he presents one of the most appalling sights that the imagination can conjure up, and rivals in ferocity the fabulous monsters of the ancients. but in good time i shall discourse more at large on his appearance; for the present it is sufficient that i make apparent the—but,” breaking off abruptly,[109] “it is well that there should be a thorough understanding between a speaker and his auditors.”
then, with that benevolent smile, peculiar to instructors of juveniles when propounding their knotty questions, he demanded, “little ones, can you define hydrophobia for me?”
the “little ones” stared stolidly and helplessly, but said nothing. the teacher, mr. meadows, looking encouraging—then, beseeching—then, mortified—then, irritated—then, wicked. still the “little ones” maintained silence, both the scholastic and his lecture being unintelligible to them.
he repeated his question; and george—who, although he did not wish to be ranked with the “little ones,” yet feared that the learned man might consider him equally ignorant if he did not speak—rose prepared to give a precise and lengthy definition.
this strikes the key-note to the sages character.
but a mischievous little gum-chewer, who doubtless could have answered with tolerable correctness, if he had chosen to do so, forestalled him by shouting, at the top of his voice: “burnt matches and water, sir!”
now, it is probable that the juveniles had a chaotic idea of the signification of the word, though unable to define it; and as the youngster just cited was generally correct in his answers, they jumped to the conclusion that he was correct this time; therefore, with a deafening shout, some fifty “little ones” yelled: “burnt matches and water, sir!!!”
poor teacher meadows! the emotions with which his bosom glowed, were written on his face; and he hitched uneasily in his seat, with that look of grave displeasure supposed to be peculiar to aggrieved persons.
the professor, probably seasoned to such rebuffs, soon recovered his equanimity, and turning to the older scholars, asked, “cannot you give me a satisfactory answer? come! anyone! what is hydrophobia?”
again an answer quivered on georges lips; but now charles forestalled him. taking his cue from the gum-chewer, charley said, “excuse me, sir, but you addressed[110] the little folk, and we, quite politely, left it for them to answer. we know what it means, sir. hysterphostia is a sort of influenza that yellow dogs catch when they’re fed on too much picnic victuals and spoilt molasses. then they’re turned loose, with tin cans on their tails, for policemen to shoot at; and everybody that sees them rushing along the street is sure to inhale quinine hyster—”
at this point the speaker’s voice was drowned by roars of laughter from the astonished and delighted boys and girls, and he sat down “amid thunders of applause.”
they, at least, appreciated his absurd reply, his pretended ignorance, and his unblushing effrontery in thus wantonly insulting the august professor. they had evidently taken a dislike to the scientific gentleman, who was altogether too knowing for them, and, idiot-like, rejoiced to see him thus grossly insulted.
the teacher looked stern and furious, and endeavored in vain to stop the hubbub. was his noble patron to be thus shamefully treated by a mob of ignorant and good-for-nothing school-children, supposed to be under his training and control? must not the offenders be made to smart for it?
the professor himself was electrified. however, he had too much self-respect to regard anything that a school-boy might say, and after shooting charles a look of calm contempt, he resumed his discourse, and proceeded to enlighten teacher meadows’ brazen-faced blockheads. he spoke long and earnestly on all things relevant to canine madness, and mad dogs, and at length ventured to propose another question.
“what should you do,” he asked, “if a mad dog should burst into this apartment—his bloody eyes starting from their sockets—his mouth wide open, reeking with its lethal venom, and disclosing his cruel, hideous fangs—he himself dashing headlong hither and thither, in his ungovernable fury remorselessly laying low victim upon victim—we ourselves imprisoned here, utterly unable to extricate ourselves?—ah! you may well shudder at the frightful picture! i forbear. but i repeat, what should you do? boys and girls, listen:—
[111]
“all that is necessary is sufficient presence of mind, together with firm reliance on your nerves, and you will always be able to face and avert the most appalling dangers. and this is the precept that i wish to impress upon you: strive to acquire the habit of self-reliance, for no habit is more important.”
“yes, yes, boys and girls; mark that; always remember that precept;” good teacher meadows cried, rising from his seat, and smiling approval.
but the darkened intellect of the juveniles could not take in the weight of such a precept, and a faint murmur of resentment passed from mouth to mouth. in the momentary interruption that ensued, steve, who sat near an outside door, rose and slipped out quietly. “i guess i’ll show the professor and the rest of the folks what a rabid canine is like!” he chuckled sardonically.
but the scene still lies within the school-house.
the professor was in earnest, and he certainly seemed capable of making personal application of his precepts, though, alas! he had never been put to the test!
“what should you do in such an emergency?” he again demanded.
but he did not wish for an answer, and now he had the goodness to tell the gaping children what he should do. “without a moment’s deliberation,” he said, “i should, almost mechanically, muster my strength, and prepare to ward off the danger. knife in hand, i should calmly await his murderous onslaught, and when almost upon me i should disarm his fury by ruthlessly stabbing him to the heart.”
to add force and illustration to his words, and to gain credit with his hearers, the orator whipped out of his pocket a treasure of a knife,—a knife, the possession of which would have shot a thrill of happiness through any understanding boy’s heart,—and brandished it wildly, yet gracefully, slaying myriads of imaginary mad dogs.
certainly, he seemed master of the situation; but in an actual attack of a mad dog he might have experienced some difficulty in getting his knife out of his pocket, and opened, in time.
[112]
but where was the professor’s dignity? why should he make himself ridiculous for the pastime of idiotic school-children?
although his spirit revolted at the thought of thus sacrificing himself, yet his benevolence prompted him to do many strange things for the instruction of the ignorant; and on this occasion, he labored not to amuse, but to discipline them.
“most magnanimous soul! most disinterested savant!” breaks in the reader, struck with admiration for our noble-minded professor.
but when an audible titter ran round the company, the philanthropist hastily pocketed his weapon. not to be turned from his purpose, however, he resumed his discourse, and artfully harrowed up the feelings of his victims, pausing occasionally to pronounce, and amplify on, some wise and weighty precept.
teacher meadows nodded his approbation; the tired school-children became restless and thirsty; their feet went to sleep; they rolled their watery eyes pleadingly. still the strong-lunged enthusiast continued to hold forth, seemingly taking a malicious pleasure in preying upon their emotions.
suddenly a distracted boy beheld an object that utterly demoralized him. a piercing shriek of agony burst from his lips, and his eye-balls gleamed like those of an ambushed highwayman.
