i have named, among many rivers that make music in my memory, that dirty water of leith. often and often i desire to look upon it again; and the choice of a point of view is easy to me. it should be at a certain water-door, embowered in shrubbery. the river is there dammed back for the service of the flour-mill just below, so that it lies deep and darkling, and the sand slopes into brown obscurity with a glint of gold; and it has but newly been recruited by the borrowings of the snuff-mill just above, and these, tumbling merrily in, shake the pool to its black heart, fill it with drowsy eddies, and set the curded froth of many other mills solemnly steering to and fro upon the surface. or so it was when i was young; for change, and the masons, and the pruning-knife, have been busy; and if i could hope to repeat a cherished experience, it must be on many and impossible conditions. i must choose, as well as the point of view, a certain moment in my growth, so that the scale may be exaggerated, and the trees on the steep opposite side may seem to climb to heaven, and the sand by the water-door, where i am standing, seem as low as styx. and i must choose the season also, so that the valley may be brimmed like a cup with sunshine and the songs of birds; — and the year of grace, so that when i turn to leave the riverside i may find the old manse and its inhabitants unchanged.

it was a place in that time like no other: the garden cut into provinces by a great hedge of beech, and over-looked by the church and the terrace of the churchyard, where the tombstones were thick, and after nightfall “spunkies” might be seen to dance at least by children; flower-plots lying warm in sunshine; laurels and the great yew making elsewhere a pleasing horror of shade; the smell of water rising from all round, with an added tang of paper-mills; the sound of water everywhere, and the sound of mills — the wheel and the dam singing their alternate strain; the birds on every bush and from every corner of the overhanging woods pealing out their notes until the air throbbed with them; and in the midst of this, the manse. i see it, by the standard of my childish stature, as a great and roomy house. in truth, it was not so large as i supposed, nor yet so convenient, and, standing where it did, it is difficult to suppose that it was healthful. yet a large family of stalwart sons and tall daughters were housed and reared, and came to man and womanhood in that nest of little chambers; so that the face of the earth was peppered with the children of the manse, and letters with outlandish stamps became familiar to the local postman, and the walls of the little chambers brightened with the wonders of the east. the dullest could see this was a house that had a pair of hands in divers foreign places: a well-beloved house — its image fondly dwelt on by many travellers.

here lived an ancestor of mine, who was a herd of men. i read him, judging with older criticism the report of childish observation, as a man of singular simplicity of nature; unemotional, and hating the display of what he felt; standing contented on the old ways; a lover of his life and innocent habits to the end. we children admired him: partly for his beautiful face and silver hair, for none more than children are concerned for beauty and, above all, for beauty in the old; partly for the solemn light in which we beheld him once a week, the observed of all observers, in the pulpit. but his strictness and distance, the effect, i now fancy, of old age, slow blood, and settled habit, oppressed us with a kind of terror. when not abroad, he sat much alone, writing sermons or letters to his scattered family in a dark and cold room with a library of bloodless books — or so they seemed in those days, although i have some of them now on my own shelves and like well enough to read them; and these lonely hours wrapped him in the greater gloom for our imaginations. but the study had a redeeming grace in many indian pictures, gaudily coloured and dear to young eyes. i cannot depict (for i have no such passions now) the greed with which i beheld them; and when i was once sent in to say a psalm to my grandfather, i went, quaking indeed with fear, but at the same time glowing with hope that, if i said it well, he might reward me with an indian picture.

“thy foot he’ll not let slide, nor will

he slumber that thee keeps,”

it ran: a strange conglomerate of the unpronounceable, a sad model to set in childhood before one who was himself to be a versifier, and a task in recitation that really merited reward. and i must suppose the old man thought so too, and was either touched or amused by the performance; for he took me in his arms with most unwonted tenderness, and kissed me, and gave me a little kindly sermon for my psalm; so that, for that day, we were clerk and parson. i was struck by this reception into so tender a surprise that i forgot my disappointment. and indeed the hope was one of those that childhood forges for a pastime, and with no design upon reality. nothing was more unlikely than that my grandfather should strip himself of one of those pictures, love-gifts and reminders of his absent sons; nothing more unlikely than that he should bestow it upon me. he had no idea of spoiling children, leaving all that to my aunt; he had fared hard himself, and blubbered under the rod in the last century; and his ways were still spartan for the young. the last word i heard upon his lips was in this spartan key. he had over-walked in the teeth of an east wind, and was now near the end of his many days. he sat by the dining-room fire, with his white hair, pale face and bloodshot eyes, a somewhat awful figure; and my aunt had given him a dose of our good old scotch medicine, dr. gregory’s powder. now that remedy, as the work of a near kinsman of rob roy himself, may have a savour of romance for the imagination; but it comes uncouthly to the palate. the old gentleman had taken it with a wry face; and that being accomplished, sat with perfect simplicity, like a child’s, munching a “barley-sugar kiss.” but when my aunt, having the canister open in her hands, proposed to let me share in the sweets, he interfered at once. i had had no gregory; then i should have no barley-sugar kiss: so he decided with a touch of irritation. and just then the phaeton coming opportunely to the kitchen door — for such was our unlordly fashion — i was taken for the last time from the presence of my grandfather.

now i often wonder what i have inherited from this old minister. i must suppose, indeed, that he was fond of preaching sermons, and so am i, though i never heard it maintained that either of us loved to hear them. he sought health in his youth in the isle of wight, and i have sought it in both hemispheres; but whereas he found and kept it, i am still on the quest. he was a great lover of shakespeare, whom he read aloud, i have been told, with taste; well, i love my shakespeare also, and am persuaded i can read him well, though i own i never have been told so. he made embroidery, designing his own patterns; and in that kind of work i never made anything but a kettle-holder in berlin wool, and an odd garter of knitting, which was as black as the chimney before i had done with it. he loved port, and nuts, and porter; and so do i, but they agreed better with my grandfather, which seems to me a breach of contract. he had chalk-stones in his fingers; and these, in good time, i may possibly inherit, but i would much rather have inherited his noble presence. try as i please, i cannot join myself on with the reverend doctor; and all the while, no doubt, and even as i write the phrase, he moves in my blood, and whispers words to me, and sits efficient in the very knot and centre of my being. in his garden, as i played there, i learned the love of mills — or had i an ancestor a miller? — and a kindness for the neighbourhood of graves, as homely things not without their poetry — or had i an ancestor a sexton? but what of the garden where he played himself? — for that, too, was a scene of my education. some part of me played there in the eighteenth century, and ran races under the green avenue at pilrig; some part of me trudged up leith walk, which was still a country place, and sat on the high school benches, and was thrashed, perhaps, by dr. adam. the house where i spent my youth was not yet thought upon; but we made holiday parties among the cornfields on its site, and ate strawberries and cream near by at a gardener’s. all this i had forgotten; only my grandfather remembered and once reminded me. i have forgotten, too, how we grew up, and took orders, and went to our first ayrshire parish, and fell in love with and married a daughter of burns’s dr. smith — “smith opens out his cauld harangues.” i have forgotten, but i was there all the same, and heard stories of burns at first hand.

and there is a thing stranger than all that; for this homunculus or part-man of mine that walked about the eighteenth century with dr. balfour in his youth, was in the way of meeting other homunculos or part-men, in the persons of my other ancestors. these were of a lower order, and doubtless we looked down upon them duly. but as i went to college with dr. balfour, i may have seen the lamp and oil man taking down the shutters from his shop beside the tron; — we may have had a rabbit-hutch or a bookshelf made for us by a certain carpenter in i know not what wynd of the old, smoky city; or, upon some holiday excursion, we may have looked into the windows of a cottage in a flower-garden and seen a certain weaver plying his shuttle. and these were all kinsmen of mine upon the other side; and from the eyes of the lamp and oil man one-half of my unborn father, and one-quarter of myself, looked out upon us as we went by to college. nothing of all this would cross the mind of the young student, as he posted up the bridges with trim, stockinged legs, in that city of cocked hats and good scotch still unadulterated. it would not cross his mind that he should have a daughter; and the lamp and oil man, just then beginning, by a not unnatural metastasis, to bloom into a lighthouse-engineer, should have a grandson; and that these two, in the fulness of time, should wed; and some portion of that student himself should survive yet a year or two longer in the person of their child.

but our ancestral adventures are beyond even the arithmetic of fancy; and it is the chief recommendation of long pedigrees, that we can follow backward the careers of our homunculos and be reminded of our antenatal lives. our conscious years are but a moment in the history of the elements that build us. are you a bank-clerk, and do you live at peckham? it was not always so. and though today i am only a man of letters, either tradition errs or i was present when there landed at st. andrews a french barber-surgeon, to tend the health and the beard of the great cardinal beaton; i have shaken a spear in the debateable land and shouted the slogan of the elliots; i was present when a skipper, plying from dundee, smuggled jacobites to france after the ‘15; i was in a west india merchant’s office, perhaps next door to bailie nicol jarvie’s, and managed the business of a plantation in st. kitt’s; i was with my engineer-grandfather (the son-inlaw of the lamp and oil man) when he sailed north about scotland on the famous cruise that gave us the pirate and the lord of the isles; i was with him, too, on the bell rock, in the fog, when the smeaton had drifted from her moorings, and the aberdeen men, pick in hand, had seized upon the only boats, and he must stoop and lap sea-water before his tongue could utter audible words; and once more with him when the bell rock beacon took a “thrawe,” and his workmen fled into the tower, then nearly finished, and he sat unmoved reading in his bible — or affecting to read — till one after another slunk back with confusion of countenance to their engineer. yes, parts of me have seen life, and met adventures, and sometimes met them well. and away in the still cloudier past, the threads that make me up can be traced by fancy into the bosoms of thousands and millions of ascendants: picts who rallied round macbeth and the old (and highly preferable) system of descent by females, fleers from before the legions of agricola, marchers in pannonian morasses, star-gazers on chaldaean plateaus; and, furthest of all, what face is this that fancy can see peering through the disparted branches? what sleeper in green tree-tops, what muncher of nuts, concludes my pedigree? probably arboreal in his habits . . . .

and i know not which is the more strange, that i should carry about with me some fibres of my minister-grandfather; or that in him, as he sat in his cool study, grave, reverend, contented gentleman, there was an aboriginal frisking of the blood that was not his; tree-top memories, like undeveloped negatives, lay dormant in his mind; tree-top instincts awoke and were trod down; and probably arboreal (scarce to be distinguished from a monkey) gambolled and chattered in the brain of the old divine.