i and my chimney, two grey-headed old smokers, reside in the country. we are, i may say, old settlers here; particularly my old chimney, which settles more and more every day.
though i always say, i and my chimney, as cardinal wolsey used to say, “i and my king,” yet this egotistic way of speaking, wherein i take precedence of my chimney, is hereby borne out by the facts; in everything, except the above phrase, my chimney taking precedence of me.
within thirty feet of the turf-sided road, my chimney—a huge, corpulent old harry viii of a chimney—rises full in front of me and all my possessions. standing well up a hillside, my chimney, like lord rosse’s monster telescope, swung vertical to hit the meridian moon, is the first object to greet the approaching traveler’s eye, nor is it the last which the sun salutes. my chimney, too, is before me in receiving the first-fruits of the seasons. the snow is on its head ere on my hat; and every spring, as in a hollow beech tree, the first swallows build their nests in it.
but it is within doors that the pre-eminence of my chimney is most manifest. when in the rear room, set apart for that object, i stand to receive my guests (who, by the way call more, i suspect, to see my chimney than me) i then stand, not so much before, as, strictly speaking, behind my chimney, which is, indeed, the true host. not that i demur. in the presence of my betters, i hope i know my place.
from this habitual precedence of my chimney over me, some even think that i have got into a sad rearward way altogether; in short, from standing behind my old-fashioned chimney so much, i have got to be quite behind the age too, as well as running behindhand in everything else. but to tell the truth, i never was a very forward old fellow, nor what my farming neighbors call a forehanded one. indeed, those rumors about my behindhandedness are so far correct, that i have an odd sauntering way with me sometimes of going about with my hands behind my back. as for my belonging to the rear-guard in general, certain it is, i bring up the rear of my chimney—which, by the way, is this moment before me—and that, too, both in fancy and fact. in brief, my chimney is my superior; my superior, too, in that humbly bowing over with shovel and tongs, i much minister to it; yet never does it minister, or incline over to me; but, if anything, in its settlings, rather leans the other way.
my chimney is grand seignior here—the one great domineering object, not more of the landscape, than of the house; all the rest of which house, in each architectural arrangement, as may shortly appear, is, in the most marked manner, accommodated, not to my wants, but to my chimney’s, which, among other things, has the centre of the house to himself, leaving but the odd holes and corners to me.
but i and my chimney must explain; and as we are both rather obese, we may have to expatiate.
in those houses which are strictly double houses—that is, where the hall is in the middle—the fireplaces usually are on opposite sides; so that while one member of the household is warming himself at a fire built into a recess of the north wall, say another member, the former’s own brother, perhaps, may be holding his feet to the blaze before a hearth in the south wall—the two thus fairly sitting back to back. is this well? be it put to any man who has a proper fraternal feeling. has it not a sort of sulky appearance? but very probably this style of chimney building originated with some architect afflicted with a quarrelsome family.
then again, almost every modern fireplace has its separate flue—separate throughout, from hearth to chimney-top. at least such an arrangement is deemed desirable. does not this look egotistical, selfish? but still more, all these separate flues, instead of having independent masonry establishments of their own, or instead of being grouped together in one federal stock in the middle of the house—instead of this, i say, each flue is surreptitiously honey-combed into the walls; so that these last are here and there, or indeed almost anywhere, treacherously hollow, and, in consequence, more or less weak. of course, the main reason of this style of chimney building is to economize room. in cities, where lots are sold by the inch, small space is to spare for a chimney constructed on magnanimous principles; and, as with most thin men, who are generally tall, so with such houses, what is lacking in breadth, must be made up in height. this remark holds true even with regard to many very stylish abodes, built by the most stylish of gentlemen. and yet, when that stylish gentleman, louis le grand of france, would build a palace for his lady, friend, madame de maintenon, he built it but one story high—in fact in the cottage style. but then, how uncommonly quadrangular, spacious, and broad—horizontal acres, not vertical ones. such is the palace, which, in all its one-storied magnificence of languedoc marble, in the garden of versailles, still remains to this day. any man can buy a square foot of land and plant a liberty-pole on it; but it takes a king to set apart whole acres for a grand triannon.
but nowadays it is different; and furthermore, what originated in a necessity has been mounted into a vaunt. in towns there is large rivalry in building tall houses. if one gentleman builds his house four stories high, and another gentleman comes next door and builds five stories high, then the former, not to be looked down upon that way, immediately sends for his architect and claps a fifth and a sixth story on top of his previous four. and, not till the gentleman has achieved his aspiration, not till he has stolen over the way by twilight and observed how his sixth story soars beyond his neighbor’s fifth—not till then does he retire to his rest with satisfaction.
such folks, it seems to me, need mountains for neighbors, to take this emulous conceit of soaring out of them.
if, considering that mine is a very wide house, and by no means lofty, aught in the above may appear like interested pleading, as if i did but fold myself about in the cloak of a general proposition, cunningly to tickle my individual vanity beneath it, such misconception must vanish upon my frankly conceding, that land adjoining my alder swamp was sold last month for ten dollars an acre, and thought a rash purchase at that; so that for wide houses hereabouts there is plenty of room, and cheap. indeed so cheap—dirt cheap—is the soil, that our elms thrust out their roots in it, and hang their great boughs over it, in the most lavish and reckless way. almost all our crops, too, are sown broadcast, even peas and turnips. a farmer among us, who should go about his twenty-acre field, poking his finger into it here and there, and dropping down a mustard seed, would be thought a penurious, narrow-minded husbandman. the dandelions in the river-meadows, and the forget-me-nots along the mountain roads, you see at once they are put to no economy in space. some seasons, too, our rye comes up here and there a spear, sole and single like a church-spire. it doesn’t care to crowd itself where it knows there is such a deal of room. the world is wide, the world is all before us, says the rye. weeds, too, it is amazing how they spread. no such thing as arresting them—some of our pastures being a sort of alsatia for the weeds. as for the grass, every spring it is like kossuth’s rising of what he calls the peoples. mountains, too, a regular camp-meeting of them. for the same reason, the same all-sufficiency of room, our shadows march and countermarch, going through their various drills and masterly evolutions, like the old imperial guard on the champs de mars. as for the hills, especially where the roads cross them the supervisors of our various towns have given notice to all concerned, that they can come and dig them down and cart them off, and never a cent to pay, no more than for the privilege of picking blackberries. the stranger who is buried here, what liberal-hearted landed proprietor among us grudges him six feet of rocky pasture?
nevertheless, cheap, after all, as our land is, and much as it is trodden under foot, i, for one, am proud of it for what it bears; and chiefly for its three great lions—the great oak, ogg mountain, and my chimney.
most houses, here, are but one and a half stories high; few exceed two. that in which i and my chimney dwell, is in width nearly twice its height, from sill to eaves—which accounts for the magnitude of its main content—besides showing that in this house, as in this country at large, there is abundance of space, and to spare, for both of us.
the frame of the old house is of wood—which but the more sets forth the solidity of the chimney, which is of brick. and as the great wrought nails, binding the clapboards, are unknown in these degenerate days, so are the huge bricks in the chimney walls. the architect of the chimney must have had the pyramid of cheops before him; for, after that famous structure, it seems modeled, only its rate of decrease towards the summit is considerably less, and it is truncated. from the exact middle of the mansion it soars from the cellar, right up through each successive floor, till, four feet square, it breaks water from the ridge-pole of the roof, like an anvil-headed whale, through the crest of a billow. most people, though, liken it, in that part, to a razed observatory, masoned up.
the reason for its peculiar appearance above the roof touches upon rather delicate ground. how shall i reveal that, forasmuch as many years ago the original gable roof of the old house had become very leaky, a temporary proprietor hired a band of woodmen, with their huge, cross-cut saws, and went to sawing the old gable roof clean off. off it went, with all its birds’ nests, and dormer windows. it was replaced with a modern roof, more fit for a railway wood-house than an old country gentleman’s abode. this operation—razeeing the structure some fifteen feet—was, in effect upon the chimney, something like the falling of the great spring tides. it left uncommon low water all about the chimney—to abate which appearance, the same person now proceeds to slice fifteen feet off the chimney itself, actually beheading my royal old chimney—a regicidal act, which, were it not for the palliating fact that he was a poulterer by trade, and, therefore, hardened to such neck-wringings, should send that former proprietor down to posterity in the same cart with cromwell.
