i could feel it was too early again when i woke, and i knew i was gettingthe schedule of my days and nights slowly reversed. i lay in my bed andlistened to the quiet voices of alice and jasper in the other room. thatthey were loud enough for me to hear at all was strange. i rolled till myfeet touched the floor and then staggered to the living room.

the clock on the tv said it was just after two in the morning. alice andjasper were sitting together on the sofa, alice sketching again whilejasper looked over her shoulder. they didn't look up when i entered, tooengrossed in alice's work.

i crept to jasper's side to peek.

"did she see something more?" i asked him quietly.

"yes. something's brought him back to the room with the vcr, but it'slight now."i watched as alice drew a square room with dark beams across its lowceiling. the walls were paneled in wood, a little too dark, out of date.

the floor had a dark carpet with a pattern in it. there was a largewindow against the south wall, and an opening through the west wall ledto the living room. one side of that entrance was stone — a large tanstone fireplace that was open to both rooms. the focus of the room fromthis perspective, the tv and vcr, balanced on a too-small wooden stand,were in the southwest corner of the room. an aged sectional sofa curvedaround in front of the tv, a round coffee table in front of it.

"the phone goes there," i whispered, pointing.

two pairs of eternal eyes stared at me.

"that's my mother's house."alice was already off the couch, phone in hand, dialing. i stared at theprecise rendering of my mother's family room. uncharacteristically,jasper slid closer to me. he lightly touched his hand to my shoulder, andthe physical contact seemed to make his calming influence stronger. thepanic stayed dull, unfocused.

alice's lips were trembling with the speed of her words, the low buzzingimpossible to decipher. i couldn't concentrate.

"bella," alice said. i looked at her numbly.

"bella, edward is coming to get you. he and emmett and carlisle are goingto take you somewhere, to hide you for a while.""edward is coming?" the words were like a life vest, holding my headabove the flood.

"yes, he's catching the first flight out of seattle. we'll meet him atthe airport, and you'll leave with him.""but, my mother… he came here for my mother, alice!" despite jasper, thehysteria bubbled up in my voice.

"jasper and i will stay till she's safe.""i can't win, alice. you can't guard everyone i know forever. don't yousee what he's doing? he's not tracking me at all. he'll find someone,he'll hurt someone i love… alice, i can't —""we'll catch him, bella," she assured me.

"and what if you get hurt, alice? do you think that's okay with me? doyou think it's only my human family he can hurt me with?"alice looked meaningfully at jasper. a deep, heavy fog of lethargy washedover me, and my eyes closed without my permission. my mind struggledagainst the fog, realizing what was happening. i forced my eyes open andstood up, stepping away from jasper's hand.

"i don't want to go back to sleep," i snapped.

i walked to my room and shut the door, slammed it really, so i could befree to go to pieces privately. this time alice didn't follow me. forthree and a half hours i stared at the wall, curled in a ball, rocking.

my mind went around in circles, trying to come up with some way out ofthis nightmare. there was no escape, no reprieve. i could see only onepossible end looming darkly in my future. the only question was how manyother people would be hurt before i reached it.

the only solace, the only hope i had left, was knowing that i would seeedward soon. maybe, if i could just see his face again, i would also beable to see the solution that eluded me now.

when the phone rang, i returned to the front room, a little ashamed of mybehavior. i hoped i hadn't offended either of them, that they would knowhow grateful i was for the sacrifices they were making on my account.

alice was talking as rapidly as ever, but what caught my attention wasthat, for the first time, jasper was not in the room. i looked at theclock — it was five-thirty in the morning.

"they're just boarding their plane," alice told me. "they'll land atnine-forty-five." just a few more hours to keep breathing till he washere.

"where's jasper?""he went to check out.""you aren't staying here?""no, we're relocating closer to your mother's house."my stomach twisted uneasily at her words.

but the phone rang again, distracting me. she looked surprised, but i wasalready walking forward, reaching hopefully for the phone.

"hello?" alice asked. "no, she's right here." she held the phone out tome. your mother, she mouthed.

"hello?""bella? bella?" it was my mother's voice, in a familiar tone i had hearda thousand times in my childhood, anytime i'd gotten too close to theedge of the sidewalk or strayed out of her sight in a crowded place. itwas the sound of panic.

i sighed. i'd been expecting this, though i'd tried to make my message asunalarming as possible without lessening the urgency of it.

"calm down, mom," i said in my most soothing voice, walking slowly awayfrom alice. i wasn't sure if i could lie as convincingly with her eyes onme. "everything is fine, okay? just give me a minute and i'll explaineverything, i promise."i paused, surprised that she hadn't interrupted me yet.

"mom?""be very careful not to say anything until i tell you to." the voice iheard now was as unfamiliar as it was unexpected. it was a man's tenorvoice, a very pleasant, generic voice — the kind of voice that you heardin the background of luxury car commercials. he spoke very quickly.

"now, i don't need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as i say,and she'll be fine." he paused for a minute while i listened in mutehorror. "that's very good," he congratulated. "now repeat after me, anddo try to sound natural. please say, 'no, mom, stay where you are.'""no, mom, stay where you are." my voice was barely more than a whisper.

"i can see this is going to be difficult." the voice was amused, stilllight and friendly. "why don't you walk into another room now so yourface doesn't ruin everything? there's no reason for your mother tosuffer. as you're walking, please say, 'mom, please listen to me.' say itnow.""mom, please listen to me," my voice pleaded. i walked very slowly to thebedroom, feeling alice's worried stare on my back. i shut the door behindme, trying to think clearly through the terror that gripped my brain.

"there now, are you alone? just answer yes or no.""yes.""but they can still hear you, i'm sure.""yes.""all right, then," the agreeable voice continued, "say, 'mom, trust me.'""mom, trust me.""this worked out rather better than i expected. i was prepared to wait,but your mother arrived ahead of schedule. it's easier this way, isn'tit? less suspense, less anxiety for you."i waited.

"now i want you to listen very carefully. i'm going to need you to getaway from your friends; do you think you can do that? answer yes or no.""no.""i'm sorry to hear that. i was hoping you would be a little more creativethan that. do you think you could get away from them if your mother'slife depended on it? answer yes or no."somehow, there had to be a way. i remembered that we were going to theairport. sky harbor international airport: crowded, confusingly laid out…"yes.""that's better. i'm sure it won't be easy, but if i get the slightesthint that you have any company, well, that would be very bad for yourmother," the friendly voice promised. "you must know enough about us bynow to realize how quickly i would know if you tried to bring anyonealong with you. and how little time i would need to deal with your motherif that was the case. do you understand? answer yes or no.""yes." my voice broke.

"very good, bella. now this is what you have to do. i want you to go toyour mother's house. next to the phone there will be a number. call it,and i'll tell you where to go from there." i already knew where i wouldgo, and where this would end. but i would follow his instructionsexactly. "can you do that? answer yes or no.""yes.""before noon, please, bella. i haven't got all day," he said politely.

"where's phil?" i asked tersely.

"ah, be careful now, bella. wait until i ask you to speak, please."i waited.

"it's important, now, that you don't make your friends suspicious whenyou go back to them. tell them that your mother called, and that youtalked her out of coming home for the time being. now repeat after me,'thank you, mom.' say it now.""thank you, mom." the tears were coming. i tried to fight them back.

"say, 'i love you, mom, i'll see you soon.' say it now.""i love you, mom." my voice was thick. "i'll see you soon," i promised.

"goodbye, bella. i look forward to seeing you again." he hung up.

i held the phone to my ear. my joints were frozen with terror — icouldn't unbend my fingers to drop it.

i knew i had to think, but my head was filled with the sound of mymother's panic. seconds ticked by while i fought for control.

slowly, slowly, my thoughts started to break past that brick wall ofpain. to plan. for i had no choices now but one: to go to the mirroredroom and die. i had no guarantees, nothing to give to keep my motheralive. i could only hope that james would be satisfied with winning thegame, that beating edward would be enough. despair gripped me; there wasno way to bargain, nothing i could offer or withhold that could influencehim. but i still had no choice. i had to try.

i pushed the terror back as well as i could. my decision was made. it didno good to waste time agonizing over the outcome. i had to think clearly,because alice and jasper were waiting for me, and evading them wasabsolutely essential, and absolutely impossible.

i was suddenly grateful that jasper was gone. if he had been here to feelmy anguish in the last five minutes, how could i have kept them frombeing suspicious? i choked back the dread, the anxiety, tried to stifleit. i couldn't afford it now. i didn't know when he would return.

i concentrated on my escape. i had to hope that my familiarity with theairport would turn the odds in my favor. somehow, i had to keep aliceaway…i knew alice was in the other room waiting for me, curious. but i had todeal with one more thing in private, before jasper was back.

i had to accept that i wouldn't see edward again, not even one lastglimpse of his face to carry with me to the mirror room. i was going tohurt him, and i couldn't say goodbye. i let the waves of torture washover me, have their way for a time. then i pushed them back, too, andwent to face alice.

the only expression i could manage was a dull, dead look. i saw her alarmand i didn't wait for her to ask. i had just one script and i'd nevermanage improvisation now.

"my mom was worried, she wanted to come home. but it's okay, i convincedher to stay away." my voice was lifeless.

"we'll make sure she's fine, bella, don't worry."i turned away; i couldn't let her see my face.

my eye fell on a blank page of the hotel stationery on the desk. i wentto it slowly, a plan forming. there was an envelope there, too. that wasgood.

"alice," i asked slowly, without turning, keeping my voice level. "if iwrite a letter for my mother, would you give it to her? leave it at thehouse, i mean.""sure, bella." her voice was careful. she could see me coming apart atthe seams. i had to keep my emotions under better control.

i went into the bedroom again, and knelt next to the little bedside tableto write.

"edward," i wrote. my hand was shaking, the letters were hardly legible.

i love you. i am so sorry. he has my mom, and i have to try. i know itmay not work. i am so very, very sorry.

don't be angry with alice and jasper. if i get away from them it will bea miracle. tell them thank you for me. alice especially, please.

and please, please, don't come after him. that's what he wants. i think.

i can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you.

please, this is the only thing i can ask you now. for me.

i love you. forgive me.

bellai folded the letter carefully, and sealed it in the envelope. eventuallyhe would find it. i only hoped he would understand, and listen to me justthis once.

and then i carefully sealed away my heart.

第二十一章 电话

当我醒来的时候，我发觉时间还太早。我知道自己正在慢慢地颠倒着昼夜的作息时间。我躺在床上，听着爱丽丝和贾斯帕在另一间屋子里安静的说话声。他们的说话声居然大到我能听见的程度，这点很奇怪。我翻滚着身子，直到自己的脚落到地板上，然后步履蹒跚地走到起居室里。

电视机上的时钟显示着现在是凌晨两点。爱丽丝和贾斯帕一起坐在沙发上，爱丽丝又开始画速写了，而贾斯帕正越过她的肩膀看着。当我进屋的时候，他们没有抬头，只是全神贯注地看着爱丽丝的作品。

我挪动步子，走到贾斯帕身旁窥视着。

“她又看见了别的东西？”我安静地问他。

“是的。出于某种原因，他带着那盘录像带回到了那个房间，但那个房间现在亮起来了。”

我看着爱丽丝画出一个方形的房间，暗色的横梁在低矮的天花板上交错着。墙上嵌着木板，嵌板的颜色有点发黑，样式很过时了。地板上铺着一块暗色调的地毯，上面只有一个图案。南面的墙上有一扇大大的窗，西面的墙被打通了，一直通向起居室。那个入口的一侧是石砌的——那是一个巨大的棕褐色的壁炉，同时通向两个房间。就这个视角而言，这个房间的焦点是摆在屋子西南角那张太小的木架子上的，那台电视和录像机。一套有些年头的组合沙发环绕在电视机前，一张圆咖啡桌摆在沙发组前。

“电话在这里。”我用指尖点着，低声说道。

两双永恒的眼睛盯着我。

“这是我妈妈的房子。”

爱丽丝早已从沙发上跳起来，手里抓着手机，开始拨号。我盯着对我妈妈家的房间的精准无比的素描。贾斯帕一反常态地滑到我身旁更近的地方。他轻轻地把手放到我鉴赏，而这实际上的接触似乎把他的冷静更加强烈地输送到我身上。恐惧漫无目的地凝聚在原处。

爱丽丝的嘴唇颤抖着，飞快地说着话，我根本听不懂那低低的嗡嗡声。我没法集中注意力。

“贝拉。”爱丽丝说道。我木然地看着她。

“贝拉，爱德华会来接你。他和艾美特还有卡莱尔会来带你去某个地方，让你躲上一阵子。”

“爱德华要来？”这句话像一件救生衣，把我的脑子从滚滚洪流里拉了出来。

“是的，他将搭乘从西雅图起飞的第一班机。我们会在机场和他碰面，然后你跟他走。”

“可是，我妈妈……他来这里找我妈妈，爱丽丝！”尽管有贾斯帕在，我的声音依然因为竭斯底里而崩溃着。

“贾斯帕和我会留在这里，直到她安全无虞为止。”

“我逃不掉的，爱丽丝。你们不可能一直守卫着我认识的每一个人。你看不出来他在做什么吗？他根本没在跟踪我。他会找到某个人，他会伤害我爱着的某个人……爱丽丝，我不能——”

“我们会看着他的，贝拉。”她向我保证道。

“万一你受伤了呢，爱丽丝？你以为这对我来说不痛不痒吗？你以为他只能通过伤害我的人类家庭来打击我吗？”

爱丽丝意味深长地看着贾斯帕。一阵强烈的，沉重的，令人昏昏欲睡的迷雾席卷了我，我的眼睛在未经我许可的情况下合上了。我的意识竭力抵御着那阵迷雾，意识到发生了什么事。我强迫自己睁开眼睛，站起来，挣脱贾斯帕的手走到一旁。

“我不想继续睡。”我嚷嚷道。

我走回房间，用力关上门。我是真的砰地一声把门撞上的，这样我就能随意行事，保留仅有的一点隐私。这次爱丽丝没有跟着我进来。在之后的三个半小时里，我盯着墙壁，蜷成一个球，滚来滚去。我的脑子反反复复地思索着，试图想出一些办法来结束这个梦魇。但我根本无法逃离，也无法拖延（there was no escape, no reprieve.）。我所能看见的未来，有且只有一个正阴森森地逼近的结局。唯一的问题是，在我走到这个结局以前，有多少别的人会受到伤害。

我所拥有的唯一的安慰和唯一的希望是，我知道很快我就能看到爱德华了。也许，只要我再次看到他的脸，我就能够想出那个现在正遍寻不见的答案。

当电话响起来的时候，我回到了前面的屋子，动作里有着一丝羞愧。我希望我没有冒犯他们两个，我希望他们知道，我对他们为了我所做出的牺牲是多么的感激。

和往常一样，是爱丽丝接的电话，但引起我注意的是，贾斯帕头一次没在房间里。我看了看钟——现在是早上五点半。

“他们刚刚登机。”爱丽丝告诉我。“他们会在九点四十五分降落。”还得再强迫自己保持呼吸几个小时，才能等到他。

“贾斯帕在哪里？”

“他去退房。”

“你们不是要待在这里吗？”

“不，我们要搬到离你妈妈的房子更近的地方。”

我的胃因为她的话而不自在地扭曲起来。

但电话再次响起，分散了我的注意力。她看上去很惊讶，但我已经走向前去，满怀希望地向电话伸出手去。

“你好？”爱丽丝问道。“不，她就在这里。”她把电话递给我。你妈妈，她用唇语说道。

“你好？”

“贝拉？贝拉？”是我妈妈的声音，用着我童年时听过一千遍的熟悉的语气说着。每当我离人行道的边缘太近，或者在拥挤的地方脱离了她的视线时，她都会这样喊着我。那是一种充满恐惧的声音。

我叹了口气。我早就料到了，虽然我在留言时，已经在不降低紧迫感的同时尽可能地让自己的声音显得不那么惊惶。

“冷静点，妈妈。”我用最令人宽慰的语气说着，慢慢地从爱丽丝身旁走开。我不确定自己能否在她的监视下说出令人信服的谎言。“一切都很好，不是吗？只要给我一分钟，我就能解释清楚所有的事情，我保证。”

我停顿了片刻，惊讶地发现她至今都没有打断我的话。

“妈妈？”

“当心点，在我让你说话以前，别出声。”我听到了一个陌生的，出乎意料的声音。那是一个高亢的男声，一个非常亲切，毫无特色的声音——就是那种你会在豪华汽车广告里听到的声音。他说得非常快。

“现在，我不必伤害你妈妈了。我真高兴我能像自己所说的那样确实做到这一点，她没事。”他停顿了一分钟，而我惊骇地听着这一片沉寂。“非常好，”他祝贺道。“现在，重复我说电话，尽量让自己听起来正常些。请说，‘不，妈妈，待在那里。’”

“不，妈妈，待在那里。”我的声音只比耳语大声一点。

“我看得出，这会很困难。”那声音充满了戏谑的意味，依然既轻柔又友好。“现在你为什么不走到另一间屋子里，好让自己的表情不泄露任何秘密呢？没有理由让你妈妈承受这一切。你走动的时候，请说‘妈妈，请听我说。’现在就说。”

“妈妈，请听我说。”我的声音恳求着。我很慢很慢地向卧室走去，我能感觉到爱丽丝正用忧虑的眼神注视着我的背。我关上身后的门，试图赶在恐惧控制我的头脑以前仔细地把事情考虑一遍。

“现在，你是一个人了吗？请说是或者不是。”

“是的。”

“但他们还是能听见你说话，我敢肯定。”

“是的。”

“那么，好吧。”那个惬意的声音继续说道。“说，‘妈妈，相信我。’”

“妈妈，相信我。”

“这比我预料中的更管用。我正准备等着，你妈妈却提前回来了。这样就更容易了，不是吗？对你来说，悬而未决的事情变少了，需要担心的事情也更少了。”（less suspense, less anxiety for you。。。有时候英文真的简洁得让人愤愤不平啊。。。）

我在等着。

“现在，我要你仔细听着。我要你离开你的朋友，你觉得你能做到吗？回答我是或者不。”

“不。”

“听到这话我很抱歉。我本来希望你能比这样更有创意写。如果你母亲的性命维系于此，你觉得你能摆脱你的朋友吗？回答是或者不。”

无论如何，我得想出一个办法来。我想起来了，我们要去机场。天空港国际航空港：拥挤，地形复杂……（sky harbor international airport。。。我又犯了个错误。。。原来这个航空港就叫天空港。。。）

“是的。”

“这就好多了。我肯定这不容易，但如果我捕捉到任何你有人陪伴的蛛丝马迹，那么，对你母亲来说，这将是一件非常可怕的事，”那个友好的声音保证道。“事到如今，你一定对我们有足够的了解，你一定明白，一旦你试图带任何人和你一起来，我会在多短的时间内知道。而万一发生了这种情况，我只需要花一丁点时间就能解决掉你母亲。你明白吗？回答我，是或者不是。”

“是的。”我的声音有些破碎。

“很好，贝拉。以下是你要做的事。我要你去你母亲的家。在电话机旁会留有一个电话号码。打那个号码，我会告诉你从那里出发去哪里。”我已经知道我要去的那个地方，那个将结束这一切的地方。但我会严格遵循他的指示。“你能做到吗？答是或不是。”

“是。”

“请在中午前到达，贝拉。我没有一整天的时间。”他礼貌地说道。

“菲尔在哪里？”我简洁地问道。

“啊，现在给我当心点，贝拉。你得等到我让你说话时才能说话，拜托。”

我等待着。

“这很重要，现在，当你回到你的朋友身边时，确保他们不会生疑。告诉他们是你母亲打来的，你告诉她你会迟点到家。现在跟着我说。‘谢谢，妈妈。’现在，说。”

“谢谢，妈妈。”眼泪就要掉下来了。我努力把它们忍住。

“说，‘我爱你，妈妈，我们很快会再见的。’现在，说。”

“我爱你，妈妈。”我的声音有些沉闷。“我们很快会再见的。”我保证道。

“再见，贝拉，我等不及要再次见到你了。”他挂上了电话。

我依然把电话扣在耳上。我的关节因为恐惧而僵住了——我没法松开手指把电话放下来。

我知道我得开始思考，但我的脑子里依然充斥着我妈妈恐惧的声音。时间一分一秒地过去，我挣扎着想要控制住自己。

渐渐地，渐渐地，我的思绪开始挣扎着穿透了那堵厚厚的痛苦之墙。开始盘算着。现在，我别无选择，只剩下一条路：去那间满是镜子的房间，接受死亡。我没有得到任何保证，没有任何迹象表明我能保证我母亲活着。我只能希望，詹姆斯会对赢得这场游戏深感满意，击败爱德华能让他得到足够的满足感。绝望扼住了我。根本没有任何讨价还价的余地。我根本没有任何条件或者抵押品可以影响他。但我依然别无选择。我得放手一搏。

我尽可能地压抑住恐惧。我已经做出了决定。再浪费时间为那样的结局而痛苦就没有意义了。我得好好想想，因为爱丽丝和贾斯帕正等着我，因为躲开他们是完全不可能的，也是完全必要的。

我忽然感到一阵欣慰，幸好贾斯帕不在。如果他在这里，他一定会感觉到过去的五分钟里，我所感受到的痛苦，那我还可能不让他们产生怀疑吗？我咽下自己的恐惧和不安，努力压制住自己的情绪。我现在还没法做到这一点。我不知道他什么时候会回来。

我全神贯注地思考着脱身之计。我只能寄希望于我对机场的熟悉能够增加一点我的胜算。不管怎样，我得先让爱丽丝离开……

我知道爱丽丝正在另一个房间里满心好奇地等着我。但在贾斯帕回来以前，我得在私下里处理另一件事。

我必须接受这一点：我再也见不到爱德华了。甚至来不及再看他的脸一眼，我就得去那间满是镜子的屋子。我会让他很受伤的，而且我不能跟他道别。有一阵子，我任由那阵痛楚肆无忌惮地席卷了我。随后，我同样把这痛楚推到一旁，去面对爱丽丝。

我千方百计才控制住的唯一一个表情是一张呆滞的，死气沉沉的脸。我看到了她警惕的神情，但我等不及她发问。我只有一个剧本，而我还没尝试过临场发挥。

“我妈妈很担心，她想赶回家。但已经没事了，我说服了她，让她留在那边。”我的声音毫无生气。

“我们会确保她没事的，贝拉，别担心。”

我把头转向一旁。我不能让她看到我的表情。

我的目光落到桌子上那叠宾馆信纸最上面的一页白纸。我慢慢地走过去，一个计划在我脑海里成形了。同样，一封信的腹稿也成形了。好极了。

“爱丽丝，”我慢吞吞地说道，没有回头，依然让自己的声音波澜不兴。“如果我给我妈妈写封信，你能把信给她吗？我是说，把它留在屋子里。”

“当然，贝拉。”她的声音显得很谨慎。她看到出我在细微之处的破绽（she could see me coming apart at the seams我不知道这样译对不对。。。）。我得更好地控制住自己的情绪。

我又走回了卧室，跪在那张小小的床头几前，开始写信。

“爱德华，”我写道。我的手在颤抖，笔下的那些字母简直难以让人辨认。

“我爱你。对不起。他抓住了我母亲，我只能放手一搏。我知道这可能没用。我非常，非常地抱歉。

别生爱丽丝和贾斯帕的气。如果我能从他们身旁逃开，这绝对是个奇迹。替我感谢他们。尤其是爱丽丝。求你了。

还有，千万，千万，不要跟着他。这正是他想要的。我是这样认为的。我再也承受不了有任何人因为我而受到伤害了，尤其是你。求你了，这是我现在唯一能向你要求的事。就当是为了我。

我爱你。原谅我。

贝拉。”

我小心地折起那封信，然后把它塞进信封里。他终有一日会发现的。我只希望他能理解，并且能听我的话，哪怕就这一次。

然后我也小心地密封住了自己的心情。