she did her shopping in her unhurried, careful way, and went on to the outfitter who made john's corduroy trousers. clothes that looked as if they were made of cardboard hung outside the shop; unyielding coats, waistcoats and trousers seemed to be glued against the door: stockings, suspended by their gaudy tops, flaunted stiff toes in the breeze, and piles of more manageable garments were massed on chairs inside, and helen was aghast at the presence of so many semblances of man.
it was dark in the shop, and the smell of fustian absorbed the air. the owner, who wore an intricately-patterned tie, stood on the pavement and talked to a friend, while a youth, pale through living in obscurity, lured helen in.
she gave her order: two pairs of corduroy trousers to be made for mr. caniper of brent farm, to the same measurements as before: she wished to see the stuff.
"if you'll take a seat, miss—"
she would rather stand outside the door, she said, and he agreed that the day was warm.
the narrow street was thronged with people who were neither of the town nor of the country, and suffered the disabilities of the hybrid. there were few keen or beautiful faces, and if there were fine bodies they were hidden under clumsy clothes. helen wanted to strip them all, and straighten them, and force them into health and comeliness, and though she would not have her moor peopled by them, she wished they might all have moors of their own.
the young man was very slow. she could hear him struggling with bales of cloth and breathing heavily. it was much hotter here than on the moor, and she supposed that human beings could grow accustomed to any smell, but she stepped further towards the kerbstone and drew in what air the street could spare to her.
quite unconscious of her fairness against the dingy background, she watched the moving people and heard the talk of the two men near her. they spoke of the hay crop, the price of bacon, the mismanagement of the gas company, and the words fell among the footsteps of the passers-by, and the noise of wheels, and became one dull confusion of sound to her; but all sounds fainted and most sights grew misty when she saw zebedee walking on the other side of the street, looking down as he went, but bending an ear to the girl beside him.
men and women flitted like shadows between him and helen, but she saw plainly enough. zebedee was interested: he nodded twice, looked at the girl and laughed, while she walked sideways in her eagerness. she was young and pretty: no one, helen thought, had ever married her.
the noise of the street rushed on her again, and she heard the shopman say, "that's a case, i think. i've seen that couple about before. time he was married, too."
slowly helen turned a head, which felt stiff and swollen, to look at the person who could say so. she restrained a desire to hold it, and, stepping to the threshold of the shop, she called into the depths that she would soon return.
without any attempt at secrecy she followed that pair absorbed in one another. she went because there was no choice, she was impelled by her necessity to know and unhindered by any scruples, and when she had seen the two pass down the quiet road leading to his house, with his hand on her elbow and her face turned to his, helen went back to the young man and the bales of cloth.
she chose the corduroy and left the shop, and it was not long before she found herself outside the town, but she could remember nothing of her passage. she came to a standstill where the moor road stretched before her, and there she suffered realization to fall on her with the weight of many waters. she cried out under the shock, and, turning, she ran without stopping until she came to zebedee's door.
an astonished maid tried not to stare at this flushed and elegant lady.
"the doctor is engaged, miss," she said.
"i shall wait. please tell him that i must see him."
"what name shall i say?"
"miss caniper. miss helen caniper." she had no memory of any other.
she sat on one of the hard leather chairs and looked at a fern that died reluctantly in the middle of the table. her eyes burned and would not be eased by tears, her heart leapt erratically in her breast, yet the one grievance of which she was exactly conscious was that zebedee had a new servant and had not told her. if she had to have her tinker, surely zebedee might have kept eliza. she was invaded by a cruel feeling of his injustice; but her thoughts grew vague as she sat there, and her dry lips parted and closed, as though they tried to frame words and could not. for what seemed a long, long time, she could hear the sound of voices through the wall: then the study door was opened, a girl laughed, zebedee spoke; another door was opened, there were steps on the path and the gate clicked. she sat motionless, still staring at the fern, but when zebedee entered she looked up at him and spoke.
"zebedee," she said miserably.
"come into my room," he said.
the door was shut on them, and she dropped against it.
"zebedee, i can't bear it."
"my little life!"
"i was so happy," she said piteously, "and, in the street, i saw you with that girl. you held her arm, and i had to come to you. i had, zebedee."
"had you, dear?" he said. he was pulling off her gloves, gently and quickly, holding each wrist in turn, and together they looked at the broad band of gold. their eyes met in a pain beyond the reach of words.
she bowed her head, but not in shame.
"my hat, too," she said, and he found the pins and took it from her.
"your ring is here," she said, and touched herself. her lips trembled. "i can't go back."
"you need not, dearest one. sit down. i must go and speak to mary."
"she is better than eliza," helen said when he returned.
"yes, better than eliza." he spoke soothingly. "are you comfortable there? tell me about it, dear." he folded his arms and leaned against his desk, and as he watched her he saw the look of strain pass from her face.
she smiled at him. "your cheeks are twitching."
"are they?"
"they always do when you think hard."
"you are sitting where you sat when you first came here."
"and there were no cakes."
"only buns."
"and they were stale."
"you said you liked them."
"i liked—everything—that day."
"i think," he said, jerking his chin upwards, "we won't have any reminiscences."
"why not?" she asked softly. she went to him and put her arms round his neck. "it's no good, zebedee. i've tried. i really loved him—but it's you—i belong to you." he could hardly hear what she said. "can you love me any longer? i've been—his. i've liked it. i was ready to do anything—like that—for him."
"speak a little louder, dear."
"you see, one could forget. and i did think about children, zebedee, i couldn't help it."
"precious, of course you couldn't."
"but you were always mine. and when i saw you this afternoon, there was no one else. and no one else can have you. you don't love any one but me. how could you? she can't have you. i want you. and you're mine. your hands—and eyes—and face—this cheek—you—you—i can't—i don't know what i'm saying. i can't go back! he'll—he put this ring on me today. i let him. i was glad—somehow. glad!" she broke away from him and burst into a fit of weeping.
he knew the properties of her tears, and he had no hope of any gain but what could come to him by way of her renewed serenity; he made shift to be content with that, and though the sound of her crying hurt him violently, he smiled at her insistence on possessing him. she had married another man, but she would not resign her rights to the one she had deserted, though he, poor soul, must claim none. it was one of the inconsistencies he loved in her, and he was still smiling when she raised her head from the arm of the chair where she had laid it.
"i'm sorry, zebedee. i'm better now. i'm—all right."
"wipe your eyes, best of all. we're going to have some tea. can you look like some one with a—with a nervous breakdown?"
"quite easily. isn't that just what i have had?"
mary was defter than eliza and apparently less curious, and while she came and went they talked, like the outfitter and his friend, about the crops; but when she had gone zebedee moved the table to the side of helen's chair, so that, as long ago, no part of her should be concealed.
"yes," he said, looking down, "but i like you better in your grey frocks."
"do you? do you? i'm glad," she said, but she did not tell him why. her eyes were shining, and he found her no less beautiful for their reddened rims. "you are the most wonderful person in the world," she said. "it was unkind of me to come, wasn't it?"
"no, dear. nothing is unkind when you do it."
"but it was, zebedee. because i'm going back, after all."
"i knew you would."
"did you? i must, you know."
"yes," he said, "i know. helen, that girl—daniel's in love with her."
"oh, poor miriam! another renegade! but i'm not jealous any more, so don't explain."
"but i want to tell you about her. he pursues and she wearies of him. i'm afraid he's a dreadful bore."
"but that's no reason why you should take her arm."
"did i take it? i like her. i wish she would marry daniel, but he is instructive in his love-making. he has no perceptions. i'm doing my best for him, but he won't take my advice. yes, i like her, but i shall never love any one but you."
"oh, no, you couldn't really. but see what i have had to do!" her eyes were tired with crying. "and have to do," she added in a lower tone. "it makes one think anything might happen. one loses faith. but now, here with you, i could laugh at having doubted. yes, i can laugh at that, and more. that's the best of crying. it makes one laugh afterwards and see clearly. i can be amused at my struggles now and see how small they were."
"but what of mine?" he asked.
"i meant yours, too. we are not separate. no. even now that i—that i have a little love for george. he's rather like a baby, zebedee. and he doesn't come between. be sure of that; always, always!"
"dearest, loveliest, if you will stay with me—well, i'm here when you need me, and you know that."
"yes." she looked beyond him. "coming here, this afternoon, i saw the way. i made it beautiful. and then i saw you, and the mists came down and i saw nothing else. but now i see everything by the light of you." there was a pause. "i've never loved you more," she said. "and i want to tell you something." she spoke on a rising note. "to me you are everything that is good and true—and kind and loving. there is no limit to your goodness. you never scold me, you don't complain, you still wait in case i need you. i ought not to allow you to do that, but some day, some day, perhaps i'll be as good as you are. i want you to remember that you have been perfect to me." she said the word again and lingered on it. "perfect. if i have a son, i hope he'll be like you. i'll try to make him."
"helen—"
"wait a minute. i want to say some more. i'm not going back because i am afraid of breaking rules. i don't know anything about them, but i know about myself, and i'm going back because, for me, it's the only thing to do; and you see," she looked imploringly at him, "george needs me now more than he did before. he trusts to me."
"it is for you to choose, beloved."
"yes," she said. "there's nothing splendid about me. i'm just—tame. i wish i were different, zebedee."
"then you are the only one who wishes it."
she laughed a little and stood close to him.
"bless me before i go, for now i have to learn it all again."
