'twas late of night when i reached wimbledon common, out of the west, where i had been patrolling the roads for some two months or more, and with mighty little success, as it chanced that year. i love the west country, not only because i have, as a rule, found there fat pockets jogging home untimely on a nag, or fine noblemen in rich chaises, very proud but tender to pick, but i have also a sentimental leaning towards that part, and that's the truth i will not deny. there is some that hanker after the great north road, and boast that there is no better toby-ground than 'twixt stevenage and grantham, while i have even known 'em to set up finchley common or hounslow for choice. old irons, who never had much self-respect, and was not above turning common crib-cracker if it so served him, was wont to go no further than finchley when he was lacking a goldfinch or two.
"sink me!" says he in my presence once to the landlord of the king's head, who spoke[27] of his score there, "i will pay you to-morrow, and be hanged to you!" the which he did, sure enough, by a visit to finchley and not so much as a charged pistol. that was never my way. i never could abide such sport. give me a creditable fellow that shows fight and gives your wits some exercise. there's the true spirit in which to take the life of the road. i would not give a pint of mulled ale for it else.
but the west is after my heart, being big and populous and swarming with squires and comfortable warm folk. i know the north road, and was once very well known there myself, and celebrated on the yorkshire moors, a confounded cold, uncivil place. indeed, there are few parts of the kingdom i have not traversed in my time. well, i was newly out of the west that may night, but on this occasion in no very good humour, as you may imagine, when i say that i had been forced to leave a belt of guineas behind at devizes—so close upon me were the traps. indeed, i was very nearly taken in the night, all owing to the treachery of an innkeeper, roast him! 'twas a fine, mild night, and i was for lying in clerkenwell at a house i knew, but i had reached no further than roehampton lane, when of a sudden i reined in, for i remembered an inn there that[28] i had sometimes used, and, to say the truth, i was thirsty.
"well," thinks i, "maybe i will lie here and maybe not. i will let fortune decide," and i was turning the mare into the lane, when something comes up quick in the thick of the darkness, and rushes upon calypso's rump.
the mare started and backed into the hedge, and i raised my voice and cursed, as you may guess.
"why," says i, "you toad, you muckrake, you dung-fork—" and the lord knows where i should ha' gotten to if a gleam of white in the blackness had not in that instant disclosed to me the blunderer. 'twas a woman, or, at least, a slip so young and silly that maybe she should not be so styled; and i had no sooner made that out and ceased in the middle of my objurgations, than i made another discovery. it was her voice that did it, for no doubt she was mightily in terror, seeing me so wrathful and the night being so black and lonely.
"oh, sir," she calls in a trembling voice, "i did not see—i—" and here she broke a-weeping.
well, dick ryder is not the man to stand by while a pretty woman weeps (for i could have sworn she was pretty enough), and so[29] down i popped off calypso and approached her.
"why," said i, "i love not to see a miss like you in tears, and as for my words, pray forget them. i thought you was some blundering, hulking bully that was meat for my bodkin, or my whip, if no more. but as it is," says i, "there's no more ado. so dry your eyes, my dear, for i am no ogre to eat pretty children."
"oh," she says, with a gulp, "i was not afraid of you. i only feared i had angered you justly."
"oh!" i said, trying for a look at her face in the darkness. "why, i see you are a very brave girl, for sure. that i'll swear you are. and if those pearly drops be not for me, why, i should like to know what opened the wells, my dear? and then i will see if you have broken the mare's leg with your onset, and get on to bed like any honest, sober man that leaves the witching hours to maids and misses and innocent children, as is only right and proper."
i do not suppose the girl took me, for women have but scant appreciation of irony, but she spoke glibly enough.
"i—i am thrown out into the night, sir!" she cries. "i have nowhere to go!"
now you may imagine how this touched[30] me, and what i felt; but she was innocent as a lamb and as foolish, as you might detect from her voice, to say nothing of her face, the which i saw later. so i considered a moment.
"that's just my case," said i. "and i was going to wake up some fat villain, to take me in and sup me. but," says i, "if you will find me the particular villain, fat or lean and cock or cockatrice, that has thrown out a ba-lamb like you, miss, well, 'tis he or she i will have awake and out, and something more beside, rip me if i don't!"
i had put her down as a child from her stature, which was small, and her body, which was slight, but i was to be undeceived in that presently.
"'tis my uncle," she sobbed. "he has shut the door on me. he will not let me in. he vows he has done with me."
"maybe," said i, "he has some cause for his anger. but uncles are not hard masters even to young misses that know not the world nor their own minds."
"nay," she says, "he has a reason for his anger, and he will not relent. he has threatened me before, and he is full of burning fury. he will not have me back," she said in a voice of hesitating timidity; and, seeming of a sudden to have taken in the[31] shame of her situation, she began to withdraw into the night.
"not so fast, young madam," said i, "you have broken my mare's leg, i believe, and i must have a talk with you. what's the reason?" says i.
she paused, and then in a tremulous quick voice said, "he will not hear that george riseley shall marry me."
"oh, ho!" said i, "i begin to smell powder. and he has turned you out of doors?"
"no," she faltered. "he would not admit me."
"i begin to see beyond my nose," i said; "you were walking with this george, and returned late?" she hesitated. "why, come," i said, rallying her, "i'd ha' done the same myself, although you would not credit it of a prim and proper youth like me. you was back late?"
"yes," says she in a low voice.
"well," said i, "old hunks shall take you in, never fear; so come along of me, and show me where nunky lives and fumes and fusses."
at that i threw calypso's bridle over my arm, and began to go along the road, the little miss walking by my side, something reluctant, as i guessed, but cheering as she[32] went. her uncle, says she, was a draper in the city with a good custom and a deep purse, while this george was but a 'prentice with small prospects.
"well, i have no prospects myself," said i, "but i warrant i can get what i want in the end. 'tis the same with george. let him worry at it as a dog a bone. i'll wager he is a handsome fellow to have taken a pretty girl's eyes."
"he is very handsome," says miss, with enthusiasm; "and he is the best judge of calico in the city."
"damme!" says i, smacking my thigh as we walked on together quite friendly, "damme! that's the lad for my money, and i don't wonder at you," said i.
whereat, poor chit, she brings me forth tales of her blessed george's goodness and estimable virtues, and how his master trusted him, and how his neighbours loved him.
"well," i said, "best let 'em not love him too much, or maybe this paragon will slip you."
and on that she came to a halt, and falling very tremulous again, pointed at a house.
"'tis my uncle's," she says, "but there are no lights and he is gone to bed."
"so shall you," said i, and forthwith went up and banged upon the door.
[33]
now i could guess very much what had happened in that house, and how old hunks had taken a fit of choler and, choking on it, had sent his niece packing for a peccadillo. to be sure she was out over-late for virtuous maids, but what's a clock in the balance with lovers' vows? and if any was to blame, 'twas this same george that should have been swinged, not pretty miss like a dove. thought i to myself—old hunks slams the door in an anabaptist frenzy, and, presently after, while setting on his night-cap and a-saying his prayers, remembers and considers what a fool he is, and how the girl is under his authority and malleable, and that he has pitched her into the roads to come by what she may on a lone night. what does that come to, then, but this, that nunky sits uneasy, and a-tremble at the first knock, and ready to open and take miss to his arms? well, i was right about the readiness to open, but as for the rest you shall hear.
the door comes open sharply, and there was an old fat fellow with a candle in his hand, glaring at me.
"who are you?" says he, for my appearance took him by surprise.
"well," says i in a friendly way, "i'm not old rowley, nor am i the topsman, but[34] something in between, and what that is matters nothing. but i found a poor maid astray on the heath, and have taken the liberty to fetch her home safe and secure."
he pushed his head further out, holding the candle so as to throw the light into the road. "it's you, nelly!" said he, sharply. "have i not said i have done with you? go to your lover, you baggage!" and he made a motion to pull to the door, but my foot was inside.
"softly," said i, "softly, gaffer. this is your niece, i believe," nodding over my arm to miss.
"well," he snarled, "as she is mine and not yours i can do what i like with her."
"oh! is that how the wind blows?" said i. "then, sink me! but i shall have to go to school again to learn morals. but there is one thing i have no need to learn again, and that's how to knock sense and discretion into a thick head," said i, meaningly, and at the same time i threw the bridle over calypso's ears and stood free before the old villain.
he looked at me a moment, the flame of the candle wagging before his face, and the grease guttering down the candlestick. "you do not understand, sir," he said in a quieter voice. "i have to give my niece[35] lessons; i have to teach her by severity; but since it is probable that she has been sufficiently frightened by this night's adventure, and come to reason, let her enter." and so saying, he stepped back and held the door wide.
that he was of a savage, uncontrollable temper was evident, but i had not reckoned with the old bear's cunning, and i vow i was to blame for it. so old a hand as dick ryder should not have been caught by so simple a trick. yet he was miss's uncle, and how was i to suspect him so deeply? at anyrate, the facts are that, on seeing him alter so reasonably, and step back with the invitation on his lips and in his bearing, i too stepped back from the doorway to leave way for miss to enter. then of a sudden bang goes the door to, shaking the very walls of the house, and a great key is turned on the inside, groaning rustily.
i will confess i felt blank, but i recovered in a moment, when out of the window above the old rascal stuck his head.
"let her go back to her lover!" he says with a sneer. "or maybe you can take her yourself. i want no soiled pieces in a christian house," and then the head was withdrawn, the window shut tight, and the house was plunged in darkness.
[36]
you may suppose how this usage annoyed me, who am not wont to be treated in so scurvy a fashion, or to come out of any contest so shabbily. i was, on the instant, for flying at the door and employing barkers and point forthwith, but it is not wise to leap too soon with your eyes shut, and so i held my temper and my tongue, only showing my teeth in an ugly grin as i turned to mrs nelly.
"why," says i, "the old buck has said the truth. and there is something in his whimsies after all. it seems that george and i must fight or toss for you, my dear." you must remember that i had not seen her face all this time, for all the streaming candle the old gentleman carried, but i gathered that she was in distress from the note of her voice, which trembled.
"you cannot mean it, sir," she cried, and shrank away into the darkness, whence i caught the noise of sobbing.
"why, bless you, child," said i, touched at the exhibition of her weakness and innocence, "such chitterkins as you are no meat for me, pretty as you be, i'll swear. no, you're for george, or may i perish! i would as leave mishandle a sucking babe as pink-and-white-and-fifteen; so i would, child."
"sir," says she, staying her tears, and[37] speaking with an air of dignity, vastly entertaining, "i am past eighteen."
"well," says i, "if you are so old as that, i would i had a mother like you, granny. but as for old suet yonder, rip and stab me if i do not pay him back in gold coin before two hours is out! and in the meantime you come along with me, grandam."
i think she was confused and fluttered to be so addressed, not understanding my sarcasm; but she followed me obediently, not having any ideas of her own, poor soul. i led the way towards roehampton, where i had made up my mind she should lie meanwhile in the care of a wench i knew at the inn. i was fashioning in my mind a plan for the confounding of the old tub-of-lard as i went, for i never lose time, but am speedy at my aim; yet all the same i talked with miss pretty jovial, for she was a shrinking slip of a girl who was beginning now to get scared, and no wonder. when we were got to the tavern i came into the tap-room and called out for costley, who had the house then, but is since dead of good liquor; and out runs he in his apron, with a lively face, for he was in a merry state enough, the hour being late.
"what, dick ryder!" says he in surprise.
"yes, 'tis dick ryder!" says i; "and[38] he wants a bed along of sally for a little madam, and supper for both."
"a madam!" he calls out, and laughs broadly. "'tis unexpected orders, captain," says he. "at least 'tis put in an amazing odd way. but," he cries out, bursting with his news, "old irons is here!"
"what! that old damber," said i, annoyed, for i was no friend to old irons.
"yes," said he, eagerly, "you'll sup along of him?"
"damme, i won't!" said i. "i want no cutpurses in my company."
"come, captain," says he, protesting, for he had a fear of me, and knew of my repute on many roads. "fair play and equality in a trade," says he.
i was on the point to give him the rough edge of my tongue—for it was like his impudence to try cozening me—when down the stairs into the passage came a man, walking very stiffly, and with his head in the air. i stopped at once, for i knew not who he might be, and down he stepped into the light, showing a foppish sort of a face, hair very particularly curled, and a becoming dress. no sooner did i clap eyes on him than i knew what kidney he was, and that he was not worth two blinks of the ogles, as they say. so i turned my back on him and was[39] beginning on costley again, when i was surprised by the girl's voice crying out from the entrance behind me.
"what the devil?" says i, flying about, for i thought she was insulted maybe by some of costley's fellows, and i ran to the door. but there was she with her arms about the neck of this jack-a-dandy.
"what's this, miss?" said i, beginning to think there was some truth in old nunky's words after all; and at that she stepped into the inn, in her excitement, and i saw her plainly for the first time. lord! there was nothing in her face that would not have convinced any court at old bailey forthright. she was prettily handsome, like a doll that turns eyes up or down and smiles out of pink cheeks, in which were two dimples mighty enticing. up she comes in a rush, almost breathless, and breaks out to me,—
"'tis he; 'tis he, sir!"
"who the devil is he?" said i, sharply.
"'tis mr riseley," she says, somewhat abashed. "he has been supping here, and is setting forth for his lodging."
"i commend his discretion," i said dryly; "an excellent good place for supper, so it is, specially for young bloods like that. well," says i, "since you're content, as it seems, i[40] will leave you and young cupid, and be about my business."
at that she looked dumbfounded. "but—" she begins, stammering, and paused.
i threw a glance at riseley, who stood by with an air something 'twixt arrogance and uneasiness. i plumbed his depths, for i have come across many such as he in my time—fine feathers enough and nothing behind 'em. but it was true that the coxcomb's appearance did not better her case, beyond the titillation of mutual affection; so i considered, and the idea i had taken suddenly bloomed forth in my mind. there was old irons, and here were we. i could have laughed aloud to think how i was for binding all the threads in one, to say nothing of nunky's, on the common. so i turned about to costley.
"i was wrong," says i; "i will do captain irons the honour to sup with him, and this young gentleman, i make no doubt, will join me."
"i beg your pardon—i—i have supped," he stammered.
"'tis a friend," i heard her whisper: "if it were not for him i know not what must have happened to me."
"well," says i, "miss here will sup at[41] anyrate," at which i saw his colour move.
"i will take the pleasure myself to keep you company, sir," said he, and forthwith we marched into the room. here was old irons, rude, jovial, and blatant as ever, but happily not too far gone as yet. he stared at my guests hard enough, but seemed to be at a loss what to make of them or how to deal by them. so that he was for a time pretty silent, casting glances of perplexity at me and frowning, as if he would invite me to say what i was doing. he was drinking, however, of humpty-dumpty, which soon loosened his tongue.
"what cock and pullet have ye got here, dick?" says he in a loud whisper.
"friends of mine," says i.
"oh!" says he, and stared; then passed off into a chuckle, with his eyes twinkling on miss; at which my apprentice in the fine clothes, not knowing, poor fool, what sort of man he had to deal with, fired up and demanded haughtily why he laughed at a lady. but irons only roared the more, paying no more heed to him than if he were a babe in arms.
"shut your mouth!" says i to him, seeing the girl's colour fly about.
"why," says he, on the grin still, "you've[42] turned anabaptist, dick. what fad's this? i will say it's as toothsome and sweet mutton as—"
"if you close not your cheese-trap," said i, sharply, "i will take leave to do it for you with my pistol-butt."
at that old irons stared at me, for he was never very quarrelsome save in his cups, and he had a respect for me. "captain," says he, "don't go for to say you're going to commit assault on old irons, and shut his pretty peepers for ever. i'll warrant this pretty lady would be affrighted by it, and the gentleman too, rip me! when they see old irons a-lying in his gore—"
"oh," says i, impatiently, "have done and pull up, for i maybe shall want you afore the day comes."
"now that's like dick ryder's own self," said the old fool, and feigned to wipe a tear from his eye and regain his spirits. he whistled a snatch, and called for more ale and brandy, which was his favourite drink.
"i will now proceed to deliver a toast, captain," says the dirty old rogue, holding his beaker up and ogling towards miss. "here's to the beauty of roehampton—rip me! no—of putney heath to kingston! toast me that, dick."
i let him drink his toast, for i did not wish[43] to thwart him too much in view of what i intended later, and he continued in a wheedling tone to address the girl, asking if she was not the duchess of this or my lady that, and feigning to inquire after his friends at court in a mincing, fashionable voice that was grotesque to hear. but at last i stopped him, for i thought it was time to come to business, and moreover, old irons had taken enough within his jacket for my purpose.
"irons," says i, "a man of heart and tenderness like you would be all agog to do service to a young lady that was in trouble," and i winked at him meaningly across the table.
"service!" says he, starting up, "why, i've just been pining, dick, all this time for you to come to it. 'what's dick got?' says i to myself, and says myself to i, 'maybe (and i hope) he will be for letting me strike a blow in behalf of youth and beauty?' stab me, dick! those was my very words to myself."
"well," said i, bluntly, "you shall have your wish, old man, and this young gentleman too, who i see is regularly jumping for to join us."
"i—i know not what you mean," stuttered the peacock. "having supped, and being called on to retire to my lodging, which is[44] far hence, i will take the opportunity to thank you, sir, for your hospitality, and begone."
now at that i was only confirmed in the opinion i had formed of him as nothing but a cur of no spirit: for here he was willing—nay, anxious, to fly off and leave his lady in the hands of those whom he knew not, with never a roof to cover her. he had taken a fear of irons, maybe, or perhaps his suspicion was due to my masterful air. but i was not going to let him escape that way, specially as he was part of the plot i was laying against old nunky. so i put my hand on his shoulder.
"sit down," said i, cheerily. "you must not begone till you have put something inside of that brave coat of yours. moreover," says i, "here is a lady in trouble, and if i read your honest face aright, you are not the man to leave a poor maid in the lurch—not you."
"rip me, no!—he's a brave young gentleman. i can see it in his cheeks," chuckled old irons.
"i—i do not know what can be done," said the other, in confusion. "i am willing to help in any way. but her uncle refuses—"
"well," said i, looking on him attentively,[45] "you may be thankful that you have met one who, however inferior in courage, does not need to cry mercy to your wits. for here's my plan, plain and pat," and i gave it them, there and then. it had come into my head as i walked along the road with mrs nelly, but i had the whole form perfect only when i had encountered the apprentice and heard irons was in the tavern. old irons and i were to make an entry into the house, and the peacock was to make the rescue, by which means, as you will see, the way would be cleared for nunky's reconciliation with his niece's choice. but no sooner had i told them than cries the peacock, stammering,—
"but—but—i could not—'tis not seemly. i will be no party. 'tis time i was gone home."
"oh, very well," says i, "then we will adventure without you, and 'tis i will rescue miss from old irons."
the girl's eyes lighted up. "you will do it, george?" says she, beaming. "i believe it will convince my uncle of all that i have said of you."
he hesitated, and being pushed into the corner, knew not what to say.
"but," says he in a troubled voice, and glancing from old irons to me, and from me[46] to old irons, anxiously, "i do not know who these gentlemen are. i—"
"sink me!" says old irons in a cozening voice, "d'ye think we are really on the toby? why, bless you, young master, we are both noblemen in disguise, so we are, and would think shame of this job if it were not to make an honest girl come by her own. we're only a-posing as crib-crackers," says he.
"george!" says the girl, in a voice of soft entreaty that would have persuaded a topsman.
"no good will come of it," said he with an air of protest. "'twill fail," and he cast up his eyes in despair.
"agreed like a brave lad!" said i, clapping him on the back; "and you shall drink to us and success," with which i filled him up a pot of humpty-dumpty, well laced.
he drank and coughed, but the compound mounting in his blood, fired him presently, so that he began to talk lightly and proffer advice and boast of what he would do and what part he would take.
"why, yes," says old irons, "a pistol clapped at the head, and bang goes the priming, out flows the red blood. sink me! there you are, as cold as clay, and with no more life in you than in a dead maggot. 'slife! here's a jolly boy, dick, that is handy with his barker, i'll vow."
[47]
but i stopped him ere he went too far, and he and i prepared the arrangements. we left miss behind in sally's charge with strict instructions, and 'twas nigh three before we reached the house. there i set the popinjay outside the window to shiver, pot-valiant, until so be the time should come, while irons and i went to the back of the house and made scrutiny of the yard. there was little trouble in the job, as it chanced, for irons is skilled in the business, which i should scorn to be, holding it for a scurvy, mean-livered craft, unworthy of a gentleman. but i was committed to it for this occasion only, and so was resolved to go through with it. irons fetched out his tools and got to work; and in a short time we were through the window of the kitchen, and irons with his glim was creeping up the stairs. but he stopped half-way and whispered back to me—as if he had only then recalled something.
"what ken's this?" he asked, using his cant word.
"why, an honest merchant's house," said i, "and he traffics in calicoes."
"look ye, dick ryder," says he, sitting down on the stairs, "i may be dullard, but rip me if i know how you stand in this!"
"why," says i, "you need only know[48] where you stand, irons, and that's pretty sure. you know me."
he stared at me a moment, and then said he, "well, i'll empty old nunky of his spanks, and we'll settle afterwards," and he resumed his journey.
now, what i had arranged with the apprentice was that i should knock upon the window when the time was come, at which he would spring in with cries of alarm and fury, falling upon the rascals that had dared break into the merchant's house. at which irons and i were to make off, and the old gentleman, rising in terror from his bed, should discover us in flight, and his deliverer george, full-armed, in possession. yet it did not fall out quite in this way, owing, as i believe, to old irons's muddled head and his stopping on the stairs.
at anyrate, we were no sooner come to the hall, after irons had visited two rooms, than we were surprised by the figure of the old gentleman moving down the staircase in his night-dress and a large blunderbuss in his hand.
"stand!" says he, seeing irons in the faint light. "stand, rogue, or i fire!"
old irons uttered a curse, and, edging into the shadows, put up an arm to slip the catches of the window. but his knuckles[49] fell on it with a rap as he withdrew the catch, and immediately after there was a loud, shrill cry, the window fell open, and there was our peacock in the midst, calling in his falsetto,—
"surrender, or i will blow a hole in you! surrender, by—!"
i could have broken out laughing at the sight, only the situation promised to grow risky. for old irons, taken aback at this, and never very particular when on his lay, jumped up sharply and smashed at t'other with his pistol-butt; while, to make confusion worse, the old man in the night-cap let off his blunderbuss. such a screeching arose as would have astonished a churchyard of ghosts, for the truth was, old nunky hit george somewhere in his hinderparts, and simultaneously down came irons's blow on his head. that set his finger to work on the trigger of the pistol i had given him, and ere i was aware, something had took me in the big toe, and set me cursing.
"here!" says i, grabbing old irons in the darkness, for he was ready to destroy both in his wildness, "this is no place for a tender-hearted chicken like you or me. we're no match for savage fire-eaters like these. we'd best go," and i dragged him through the window and we made off together. when we reached the inn, i called out the girl.
[50]
"what has happened?" she cried eagerly.
"well," said i, "i think you had best walk home sharp. i'll wager nunky will be calling for you presently to reward a gallant youth that has risked his life for to save him."
her eyes glistened, and, lord! i believe the poor fool thought her george had been brave. she clasped her hands. "oh, i must thank you, sir!" she cried.
"nay, never thank me," said i, "for, if i mistake not, old irons has taken thanks for us both, and would have had more if it had not been for young jack-a-dandy."
"split him!" cries old irons. "i would i had hit him harder."
"hit!" she cries, and clutches at me.
"nay, never fear," i said. "'twas not irons, but nunky's blunderbuss. faith, he took both wounds like a lamb. i would i had his courage, and was to be comforted like him. but he is in no danger."
"oh, sir!" says she, gratefully, and if she were fool she was pretty enough, and her innocence touched me, for she had scarce understood anything of what we spoke.
"but run home," says i, "and i'll warrant you'll find him a-rubbing of his head, and nunky a-hugging him for joy and gratitude."
but even ere i had finished she was gone,[51] flying lightly into the grey of the coming dawn, and, as i heard afterwards from costley, what i had forecast was pretty accurate. but i had finished with miss then, and the next business was to divide with old irons. 'twas the first time that i had ever engaged in a job with him, and i vow 'twill be the last; so scurvy was he in the partition. but, then, i had always a detestation of so ungentlemanly a game as cracking cribs.
