* i was imprisoned there for "blasphemy" from february 1883
to february 1884, by sentence of a roman catholic judge, mr.
justice north.
the dullest christmas i ever spent was in her majesty's hotel in north london. the place was spacious, but not commodious; it was magnificent in the mass, but very petty in detail; it was designed with extreme care for the safety of its many guests, but with a complete disregard of their comfort; and it soon palled upon the taste, despite the unremitting attentions of a host of liveried servants. how i longed for a change of scene, if what i constantly gazed upon may be so described; but i was like a knight in some enchanted castle, surrounded with attendants, yet not at liberty to walk out. the hospitality of my residence, however, was by no means sumptuous. the table did not groan beneath a weight of viands, or gleam with glowing wines. its poverty was such that a red-herring would have been a glorious treat, and a dose of physic an agreeable variety. why then, you may ask, did i not quit this inhospitable hotel, and put up at another establishment? because i was invited by her majesty, and her majesty's invitations are commands.
speaking by the card, christmas-day in holloway was treated as a sunday. there was no work and no play then, the dinner was the poorest and worst cooked in the whole week, and the only diversion was a morning or afternoon visit to chapel, where we had the satisfaction of learning that heaven was an eternal sunday.
the fibre put into my cell to be picked by my industrious fingers had all been removed the previous evening, lest i should desecrate the sacred day by pursuing my ordinary avocation. my apartment was therefore clean and tidy, and by the aid of a bit of dubbin i managed to give an air of newness to my well-worn shoes. the attendants had, however, omitted to provide me with a sunday suit, so i was obliged to don my working clothes, in which graceless costume i had to perform my religious devotions in the house of god, where an ill-dressed person is always regarded as an exceptionally bad sinner, and expected to show an extraordinary amount of humility and contrition. linen was never a burning question in holloway hotel, and cuffs and collars were unknown, except when a short guest wore a long shirt. my toilet was therefore easily completed; and with a good wash, and the energetic use of a three-inch comb, i was soon ready for the festivities of the season.
at eight o'clock i received the first instalment of my christmas fare, in the shape of three-quarters of a pint of tea and eight ounces of dry bread. whether the price of groceries was affected by the christmas demand, or whether the kitchen was demoralised by the holiday, i am unable to decide; but i noticed that the decoction was more innocuous than usual, although i had thought its customary strength could not be weakened without a miracle. my breakfast being devised on the plainest vegetarian principles, there was no occasion for grace before meat, so i sipped the tea and munched the bread (eight ounces straight off requires a great deal of mastication) without breathing a word of thanks to the giver of all good things.
after a remarkably short hour's tramp round the exercise ring in a thieves' procession, doing the rogue's march without the music, i returned to my cell, and sitting down on my little three-legged stool, i was soon lost in thought. i wondered what my wife was doing, how she was spending the auspicious day. what a "merry christmas" for a woman with her husband eating his heart out in gaol! but "that way madness lies," and i had fought down the demon too long to give way then. springing to my feet, i sped up and down my cell like a caged animal, and after many maledictions on "the accursed creed," i succeeded in stilling the tumult of my emotions. a great calm followed this storm, and resuming my seat and leaning my back against the plank-bed, i took a scornful retrospect of my prosecution and trial. how insignificant looked the tylers, giffards, norths and harcourts! how noble the friends and the party who had stood by me in the dark hour of defeat! a few short weeks, and i should be free again to join their ranks and strike hard in the thickest of the battle, under the grand old flag of freethought.
the chapel-bell roused me from phantasy. the other half of the prison disgorged its inmates, and i could hear the sound of their tramping to the sanctuary. while they were engaged there i read a chapter of gibbon; after which i heard the "miserable sinners" return from the chapel to their cells.
at twelve o'clock came mv second instalment of christmas fare: six ounces of potatoes, eight ounces of bread and a mutton chop. being on hospital diet, i had this trinity for my dinner every day for nine months, and words cannot describe the nauseous monotony of the menu. the other prisoners had the regular sunday's diet: bread, potatoes and suet-pudding. after dinner i went for another short hour's tramp in the yard. the officers seemed to relax their usual rigor, and many of the prisoners exchanged greetings. "how did yer like the figgy duff?" "did the beef stick in yer stomach?" such were the flowers of conversation that afternoon. from the talk around me, i gathered that under the old management, before the government took over the prison, all the inmates had a "blow out" on christmas-day, consisting of beef, vegetables, plum-pudding and a pint of beer. some of the "old hands" bitterly bewailed the decadence in prison hospitality. their lamentations were worthy of a conservative orator at a rural meeting. the present was a poor thing compared with the past, and they sighed for "the tender grace of a day that is dead."
after exercise i went to chapel. the schoolmaster, who was a very pleasant gentleman, had drilled the singing class into a fair state of efficiency, and they sang one or two christmas hymns in pretty good style; but the effect of their efforts was considerably marred by the rest of the congregation, whose unmusical voices, bad sense of time, and ignorance of the tune, more than once nearly brought the performance to an untimely end. parson playford followed with a seasonable sermon, which would have been more heartily relished on a fuller stomach. he told us what a blessed time christmas was, and how people did well to be joyous on the anniversary of their savior's birth; after which i presume he returned to the bosom of his family, and celebrated the birth of christ with liberal doses of turkey, goose, beef, pudding, and communion wine. before dismissing us with his blessing to our "little rooms," which was his habitual euphemism for our cells, he said that he could not wish us a happy christmas in our unhappy condition, but would wish us a peaceful christmas; and he ventured to promise us that boon, if after leaving chapel, we fell on our knees, and besought pardon for our sins. most of the prisoners received this advice with a grin, for their cell-floors were black-leaded, and practising genuflexions in their "little-rooms" gave too much kneecap to their trousers.
at six o'clock i had my third instalment of christmas fare, consisting of another eight ounces of bread and three quarters of a pint of tea. the last mouthfuls were consumed to the accompaniment of church bells. the neighboring gospel-shops were announcing their evening performance, and the sound penetrated into my cell through the open ventilator. the true believers were wending their way to god's house, and the heretic, who had dared to deride their creed and denounce their hypocrisy, was regaling himself on dry bread and warm water in one of their prison-cells. and the bells rang out against each other from the many steeples with a wild glee as i paced up and down my narrow dungeon. they seemed mad with the intoxication of victory; they mocked me with their bacchanalian frenzy of triumph. but i smiled grimly, for their clamor was no more than the ancient fool's-shout, "great is diana of the ephesians." great christ has had his day since, but he in turn is dead; dead in man's intellect, dead in man's heart, dead in man's life; a mere phantom, flitting about the aisles of churches where priestly mummers go through the rites of a phantom creed.
i took my bible and read the story of christ's birth in matthew and luke. what an incongruous jumble of absurdities! a poor fairy tale of the world's childhood, utterly insignificant beside the stupendous wonders which science has revealed to its manhood. from the fanciful little story of the magi following a star, to shelley's "worlds on worlds are rolling ever," what an advance! as i retired to sleep upon my plank-bed my mind was full of these reflections. and when the gas was turned out, and i was left alone in darkness and silence, i felt serene and almost happy.
