it was a rare opportunity. the six yearlings made for camp on a run, and there an interesting conference was held with a few more choice spirits, the upshot being that the whole crew set out for barracks again in high spirits, and looking forward to a jolly lark.
they entered the building, causing dire fear to several anxious-looking plebes who were peering out of the windows and wondering if this particular marauding party was bound in their direction. it was one of the empty rooms that they entered, however, and there they proceeded to costume one of their number, putting on a huge red sash, some medals, a few shoulder straps borrowed for the occasion, and, last of all, a false mustache. this done, they hastened over to the room where the unfortunate "mormon" still sat. the "officer" rapped sharply on the door.
"come in," a voice responded weakly; the cadets came.
[pg 59]"mr. smith, sir?" inquired the personage with the mustache.
"yes, sir," said indian, meekly, awed by the man's splendor.
"i have been requested by certain of the cadets of the united states military academy to investigate the circumstance of your alleged passing at the recent examination. i have been informed by these same gentleman that when questioned by them you exhibited stupidity and ignorance so very gross as to cause them to doubt whether you have any right to call yourself a cadet at all."
here the cadets shook their heads solemnly and looked very stern indeed.
"bless my soul!" cried indian.
"in order to consider these very grave allegations," continued the other, "a special meeting of the army board was first convened, with the following result:"
here the speaker paused, cleared his throat pompously, and drew forth a frightfully official-looking envelope, from which he took a large printed sheet with the west point seal upon the top.
"united states military academy, west point, june 20th," he read—that is the way all "orders" begin. "ca[pg 60]det joseph smith, of indianapolis, indiana, it has just been ascertained, was admitted to the duties of conditional cadet through an error of the examining board. a re-examination of cadet smith is hereby ordered to be conducted immediately under the charge of the lord high chief quartermaster of the academy. by order of the academy board. ahem!"
the lord high chief quartermaster finished, and cadet smith sank down upon the bed in horror.
"sir!" shouted the officer, "how dare you sit down in the presence of your superiors? get up, sir, instantly!"
indian "got," weak-kneed and trembling.
"the examination will be held," continued the cadet, "in the observatory building, at once. gentlemen, you will conduct mr. smith there and await my arrival."
the bogus officer desired time to change his uniform, as he knew it would be risky to cross the parade in his borrowed clothing.
now the observatory building is situated far away from the rest of the academy, upon the hillside near fort putnam. and thither the party set out, the cadets freely discussing the probable fate of the unhappy plebe. it was the almost unanimous verdict that one who was so unut[pg 61]terably stupid as never to have heard of the great joseph smith would not stand the ghost of a show. all of which was comforting to the listening victim.
the observatory was deserted and lonely. the door was locked, and the party gained entrance by the windows, which alone was enough to excite one's suspicion. but indian was too scared to think.
the lord high chief quartermaster presently slipped in, once more bedecked with medals and mustache.
the examining party got to work at once in a very businesslike and solemn manner. the physical examination was to come first, they said. it had been the opinion of the army board that mr. smith was far too fat to make a presentable cadet. the surgeons were busy that afternoon in trying to piece together several plebes who had been knocked all to pieces by the yearlings for being too "b. j."—this was the explanation of the lord high chief quartermaster—and so it would be necessary to examine indian here, and at once, too. and if it were found, as, indeed, would most probably be the case, that he was too fat, why then it would be necessary for him to reduce weight immediately.
several schemes were suggested as to how this might[pg 62] be done. there was the shylock, the shakespearian method, of a pound of flesh from near the heart. cadet corporal so-and-so suggested that several veal cutlets from the legs—each an inch thick—would serve. a veal cutlet an inch thick he estimated—his great grandfather on his mother's other side had been a butcher, he stated—would weigh three pounds. then acting cadet sergeant somebody-else suggested a turkish bath, the jockey's method, together with very violent exercise. this plan was adopted finally as being the least likely to be fatal in its results.
but just then somebody suddenly thought of the fact that it would be best to weigh the subject first, which was considered a good idea, but for the fact that they had no scales. this trouble "feazed" the crowd at first. then the lord high chief quartermaster said that he was a first-rate judge of weight, having slaughtered hogs in his youth, and could tell by the feel. so mr. joseph smith must be immediately "boosted" up and balanced upon the cadet's outstretched hand, there to be shaken and otherwise tested, while the man below made audible calculations by means of trigonometrical formulas as to what was his actual weight.
[pg 63]the result of this experiment, as might have been expected, was by no means very definite. the lord high chief, etc., thought the weight was too much, but he couldn't be sure. and then cadet "admiral" jones proposed another scheme. he had been a juggler "when he was young;" he was used to tossing heavy weights; in fact, he just happened to know that he could throw three hundred pounds exactly twelve feet, the height of the ceiling. it was obvious, therefore, that if indian weighed over that he would not reach the ceiling; but if he should go through the ceiling that would mean just as clearly that he was under the limit and need not "reduce."
in vain did the frightened boy protest that he weighed only one hundred and fifty; the test must be made, and made it was. indian's terrified form did not once get near the ceiling, and so reduce he must. the cadets formed a circle about the room.
"now," said the commanding official, "now you must manage to reduce weight quickly this way, or we shall try the veal cutlet scheme. so you'll find it best to hurry. we want you to run around the outside of this circle. we'll give you just ten and one-quarter minutes by my watch (which runs very fast, by the way) to get around[pg 64] fifty times. and in the course of that you must manage to perspire fifteen pounds of weight (enough to make you go through the ceiling). this is equal to half a gallon of water. now then! take off your coat, sir. ready! set!! go!!! why don't you start, sir? there now! hurry up! one second—two seconds—three—four—fi'—six—sev'n—eight—nine—ten—'leven! faster! faster!! hurry up! one minute! you haven't lost a pound yet! what! out of breath already? faster! that's right! keep it up now!"
the scene at this stage of the "examination" is left to the imagination; indian, wild-eyed, panting and red, plunging wildly around in a dizzy circle of a dozen laughing cadets. and in the center the lord high with his watch slowly telling off the minutes.
"two minutes there, two minutes! come now, hurry up! don't begin to lag there! why don't you stop that panting? there goes the first drop of perspiration. hooray, there's another! it'll soon be a gallon now. two and a quarter!"
poor joseph kept it up to five, by which time he was so dizzy that he could not stand up; which was the best reason in the world why he sank down utterly breath[pg 65]less in the corner. and there he lay gasping, the cadets in vain trying to get him to rise.
"i think," said the presiding officer, nearly convulsed with laughter—"i think that is reduction enough for the present, and i say we proceed to the 'mental.'"
a conference was held over in one corner of the room, as to what the questions should be; and then in an evil hour (for them) an idea struck one of the cadets.
"see here, fellows," said he. "i think he's been examined enough. let's get somebody else. let's get—— who's that learned chap?"
"stanard?"
"oh, yes, stanard! the parson! let's get him."
the idea took with a rush. it would be so much more fun to fool the learned parson! and in a minute or two half the party, including the lord high chief quartermaster, was on its way back to barracks to hunt up the new victim, while the rest stayed to resuscitate indian and to write out a list of questions for the "mental examination."
