“’tis one thing to be tempted,
another thing to fall.”
shakespeare.
since the evening by the seaside so eventful to each, olmedo had not seen beatriz. indeed he had avoided it, because with his present feelings he dared not trust himself alone with her. his profession having been chosen for him by his parents, he had been subjected when so young to the discipline of his order, that he had been screened from the usual temptations and experiences of ordinary life. under any circumstances he would have been an upright man. in his convent he had early acquired an excellent character for strict compliance with the ritual of his faith, benevolence, and study. some of his brethren, jealous perhaps of his greater influence among their flock, had hinted occasionally to their superior, that his opinions were somewhat liberal, and that he had displayed at times an independence and energy that betokened a more active mind than was consistent with their order. whatever truth there may have been in these insinuations, such was the general respect in which he was held, that no harm came to him or even notice of[118] them, except now and then a good-natured suggestion to be cautious in his expressions before certain of the brethren.
olmedo was born for a wider sphere than a monastic life. his passions were active, but pure. there had always existed within him a silent protest to forced celibacy, for he felt that the family was an institution of god, while the convent was only of man. his mind, in all questions that affected the welfare of the human race, naturally took a broad and correct view, but so thoroughly grounded had he been in the faith and practices of his church, that when his opinions really differed, he preferred outwardly to submit to what he considered the highest authority. whenever, however, his good sense could consistently be active in opposition to the narrow or fanatical views of other members of his order, he had invariably spoken, and in general with effect; and on all occasions which required self-devotion or the exercise of a stricter rule of conduct, he had been the most prompt among them.
he was eminently qualified to be a missionary. his sincerity of faith had not cramped his sympathies of human action. active and thoughtful, self-denying, yet charitable, firm to his convictions while obedient to lawful discipline, with a winning, quiet manner, that commanded respect and confidence, he was just the man to go forth to the world as an example and preacher of the pure tenets of christianity. the newly discovered continent of america, with its novel races, greatly interested him. there[119] he could be freer than in spain. accordingly he had obtained permission to embark for this new field of religious enterprise.
although olmedo had come from spain with her father, it so happened that it was in cuba that he had first made the acquaintance of beatriz. from that moment he found himself strongly drawn towards her by their mutual comprehension of each other’s character, which to each filled their want of sympathy in the deeper aspirations of their natures. to either their friendship was a new and sweet experience. olmedo’s heart finding refreshment in the ingenuous feelings and impulses of beatriz, while her mind expanded and strengthened in the intellectual resources of his. their intercourse, or mental confidence it would be more proper to term it, as it related so exclusively to their minds, was the more complete, that while each was actually governed by the real affinities from which true love must spring, both were unconscious of any alloy of passion. such an intimacy as existed between them, could not have been between brother and sister, neither between lovers, for while it was undoubtedly warmed by an undercurrent of feeling unknown to the former, it was free from all the embarrassments or dangers growing out of its recognized existence with the latter. olmedo was her spiritual father, and something more; the magnet of her soul. she was his spiritual daughter, and filled to his then well disciplined nature the void which lack of female communion had ever caused. hence both were free, unreserved, and affectionate.[120] theirs was of its kind a perfect love, because it had no fear, but now the time had come when the eyes of both were opened.
the effect on olmedo of this sudden disclosure of his passion, was no less a source of acute misery to him than the same self-confession of beatriz had been to her. perhaps his sufferings were even greater. hers were impulsive and passive. an intuitive perception disclosed all at once the joys a complete union of hearts like theirs might realize, while faith forbade the banns. with her, therefore, it was simply a struggle, not against reason, for that sided with her, but a conscience educated in opposition to nature. there is no source of mental misery more poignant than this, because it is the actual right struggling against the conventional wrong, which by a false view of the laws of god has been made to appear the right. it is god’s conscience against man’s conscience, claiming to be of god. and although the latter may not be right in itself, yet from having been chosen as a moral guide, circumstances may have woven so strong a web around it, that to suddenly break the woof would be a wrong. hence, the eternal wrong having become the present right, nothing remains but to obey duty and leave the justification of god’s ways to his own good time.
olmedo now saw plainly that god had as fully constituted him for marriage as any other man; that even his partial intercourse with woman had been the means of his greater soul-awakening; that it was an error to view god as a being who delighted[121] in asceticism. on the contrary he rejoiced, and all nature showed it, in man’s innocent appropriation of all the sources of enjoyment and knowledge, created expressly for him. the feasting and sociality of christ, his love for women and children and constant intercourse with them, his generous disregard of the letter of the law, all spoke to him as they never had before. he was satisfied that man was right only, in the degree that he exercised all his faculties in the direction for which they were created; that to deny some to the intent to exalt others, was a fatal mistake. harmony proceeded solely from the mutual and free action of all, in accordance with general principles which all nature except man instinctively recognized, but which to man were often perverted by the wantonness of reason. in demanding to be his sole guide, reason claimed too much. there were lessons to be learned through his affection as well as through his intellect. the more childlike he became, the more direct was his intercourse with god. nature, children, and, above all, the heart of woman had become to him new sources of inspiration. there was then a holy book in all created things. words of life could be read alike in the phenomena of nature, the sports of innocence, and the warm affections of humanity. revelation was not confined to the printed page.
such thoughts as these would have brought him to the stake in spain. in the dull routine of convent-life, they probably would never have been awakened. here he was in a new world. the[122] church, as a human institution, was himself. there was no official authority superior to his own; no guide above his own reason or conscience. naturally free and inquiring, how could it be otherwise than that the lessons of his new life should be felt in his soul. he saw that hierarchies were not indispensable roads to heaven. he even dimly imagined the time when each man should be again his own priest, and the intercourse between god and his children be direct as it once was. but i cannot follow him through all the foreshowings of his newly aroused religious aspirations. the age and his education still had deep hold upon him. fain would he now, however, redeem himself a man.
“why should i not?” thought he. “am i always to obey a vow taught me by others before able to judge for myself? is the scope of another’s mind to be the measure for mine? here beatriz and myself must pass our days, away from our native lands, with no bars between our loves except such as have been made for other places and circumstances. must we obey them and deny ourselves all that god appoints for our union, because man has put us asunder?”
his heart rebelled at this thought, and his passions grew clamorous. they were none the less forcible from long restraint. he loved beatriz truly, but he loved her as a man; his whole nature panted for hers, but with his intensity of feeling there was perfect chastity, for he could as soon have warmed towards a vegetable as towards one[123] he did not love. his passion was begotten of his love. he felt its impulses, but neither analyzed nor thought of them, except in relation to their object. did this monk sin?
his thoughts now reverted to her. “she is my spiritual child. her soul is in my keeping. should i not be false to my charge to permit a union which the church anathematizes? i may risk my own soul, but not hers. no! no! be quiet, heart! she is pure and artless, the child of heaven; she must remain so,” and he sighed as if his last breath was parting, as he strove to bring his will to this self-renunciation.
with him, passion, opportunity, reason, and even his new views of religion plead for the union. greater temptation of circumstance and argument never assailed a man. on the other hand, arose the still, small voice, “you are her spiritual father; love you may and must, but to confess that love, to tempt her, would be a sin against the holy ghost; for has she not been confided to thy charge? was ever such a crime known to one, who has vowed to god for his better service here, and for higher reward hereafter, to renounce the honors and pleasures of this life,—to know no wife, or child; to crucify alike passions and affections for the love of heaven. have a care, priest! the devil baits his hook temptingly for thee!”
the full tide of a broken faith swept over his soul with retributory energy. he trembled with horror. clasping his crucifix tightly to his breast,[124] and frantically kissing it, he rushed from the house, exclaiming, “save me, jesus, save me from myself; save her, at least, whatsoever thou wilt do with me.”
