the secret house. when she died i went there. ma'am wouldn't let me go outside in the yard andeat with the others. we stayed inside. that hurt. i know grandma baby would have liked the partyand the people who came to it, because she got low not seeing anybody or going anywhere — justgrieving and thinking about colors and how she made a mistake. that what she thought about whatthe heart and the body could do was wrong. the whitepeople came anyway. in her yard. she haddone everything right and they came in her yard anyway. and she didn't know what to think. allshe had left was her heart and they busted it so even the war couldn't rouse her.
she told me all my daddy's things. how hard he worked to buy her. after the cake was ruined andthe ironed clothes all messed up, and after i heard my sister crawling up the stairs to get back toher bed, she told me my things too. that i was charmed. my birth was and i got saved all the time.
and that i shouldn't be afraid of the ghost. it wouldn't harm me because i tasted its blood whenma'am nursed me. she said the ghost was after ma'am and her too for not doing anything to stop it.
but it would never hurt me. i just had to watch out for it because it was a greedy ghost and neededa lot of love, which was only natural, considering. and i do. love her. i do. she played with meand always came to be with me whenever i needed her. she's mine, beloved. she's mine.
i am and she is mine. i see her take flowers away from leaves she puts them in a round basket theleaves are not for her she fills the basket she opens the grass i would help her but the clouds are inthe way how can i say things that are pictures i am not separate from her there is no place where istop her face is my own and i want to be there in the place where her face is and to be looking at ittoo a hot thing all of it is now it is always now there will never be a time when i am not crouchingand watching others who are crouching too i am always crouching the man on my face is dead hisface is not mine his mouth smells sweet but his eyes are locked some who eat nasty themselves ido not eat the men without skin bring us their morning water to drink we have none at night icannot see the dead man on my face daylight comes through the cracks and i can see his locked eyes i am not big small rats do not wait for us to sleep someone is thrashing but there is no room todo it in if we had more to drink we could make tears we cannot make sweat or morning water sothe men without skin bring us theirs one time they bring us sweet rocks to suck we are all trying toleave our bodies behind the man on my face has done it it is hard to make yourself die forever yousleep short and then return in the beginning we could vomit now we do not now we cannot histeeth are pretty white points someone is trembling i can feel it over here he is fighting hard to leavehis body which is a small bird trembling there is no room to tremble so he is not able to die myown dead man is pulled away from my face i miss his pretty white points we are not crouchingnow we are standing but my legs are like my dead man's eyes i cannot fall because there is noroom to the men without skin are making loud noises i am not dead the bread is sea-colored i amtoo hungry to eat it the sun closes my eyes those able to die are in a pile i cannot find my man theone whose teeth i have loved a hot thing the little hill of dead people a hot thing the men withoutskin push them through with poles the woman is there with the face i want the face that is minethey fall into the sea which is the color of the bread she has nothing in her ears if i had the teeth ofthe man who died on my face i would bite the circle around her neck bite it away i know she doesnot like it now there is room to crouch and to watch the crouching others it is the crouching that isnow always now inside the woman with my face is in the sea a hot thing in the beginning i couldsee her i could not help her because the clouds were in the way in the beginning i could see her theshining in her ears she does not like the circle around her neck i know this i look hard at her so shewill know that the clouds are in the way i am sure she saw me i am looking at her see me sheempties out her eyes i am there in the place where her face is and telling her the noisy clouds werein my way she wants her earrings she wants her round basket i want her face a hot thing in thebeginning the women are away from the men and the men are away from the women storms rockus and mix the men into the women and the women into the men that is when i begin to be on theback of the man for a long time i see only his neck and his wide shoulders above me i am small ilove him because he has a song when he turned around to die i see the teeth he sang through hissinging was soft his singing is of the place where a woman takes flowers away from their leavesand puts them in a round basket before the clouds she is crouching near us but i do not see her untilhe locks his eyes and dies on my face we are that way there is no breath coming from his mouthand the place where breath should be is sweet-smelling the others do not know he is dead i knowhis song is gone now i love his pretty little teeth instead i cannot lose her again my dead man wasin the way like the noisy clouds when he dies on my face i can see hers she is going to smile at meshe is going to her sharp earrings are gone the men without skin are making loud noises they pushmy own man through they do not push the woman with my face through she goes in they do notpush her she goes in the little hill is gone she was going to smile at me she was going to a hot thingthey are not crouching now we are they are floating on the water they break up the little hill andpush it through i cannot find my pretty teeth i see the dark face that is going to smile at me it is mydark face that is going to smile at me the iron circle is around our neck she does not have sharpearrings in her ears or a round basket she goes in the water with my face i am standing in the rainfalling the others are taken i am not taken i am falling like the rain is i watch him eat inside i amcrouching to keep from falling with the rain i am going to be in pieces he hurts where i sleep heputs his finger there i drop the food and break into pieces she took my face away there is no one towant me to say me my name i wait on the bridge because she is under it there is night and there isday again again night day night day i am waiting no iron circle is around my neck no boats go on this water no men without skin my dead man is not floating here his teeth are down there where theblue is and the grass so is the face i want the face that is going to smile at me it is going to in theday diamonds are in the water where she is and turtles in the night i hear chewing and swallowingand laughter it belongs to me she is the laugh i am the laugher i see her face which is mine it is theface that was going to smile at me in the place where we crouched now she is going to her facecomes through the water a hot thing her face is mine she is not smiling she is chewing andswallowing i have to have my face i go in the grass opens she opens it i am in the water and she iscoming there is no round basket no iron circle around her neck she goes up where the diamondsare i follow her we are in the diamonds which are her earrings now my face is coming i have tohave it i am looking for the join i am loving my face so much my dark face is close to me i want tojoin she whispers to me she whispers i reach for her chewing and swallowing she touches me sheknows i want to join she chews and swallows me i am gone now i am her face my own face hasleft me i see me swim away a hot thing i see the bottoms of my feet i am alone i want to be thetwo of us i want the join i come out of blue water after the bottoms of my feet swim away from mei come up i need to find a place to be the air is heavy i am not dead i am not there is a house thereis what she whispered to me i am where she told me i am not dead i sit the sun closes my eyeswhen i open them i see the face i lost sethe's is the face that lef me sethe sees me see her and i seethe smile her smiling face is the place for me it is the face i lost she is my face smiling at me doingit at last a hot thing now we can join a hot thing.
