before that well-nigh hopeless journey to the coast was half over i became ill — so ill that anyone who had looked on me might well have imagined that i had come to the end of my pilgrimage. that was what i feared. for days i remained sunk in the deepest despondence; then, in a happy moment, i remembered how, after being bitten by the serpent, when death had seemed near and inevitable, i had madly rushed away through the forest in search of help, and wandered lost for hours in the storm and darkness, and in the end escaped death, probably by means of these frantic exertions. the recollection served to inspire me with a new desperate courage. bidding good-bye to the indian village where the fever had smitten me, i set out once more on that apparently hopeless adventure. hopeless, indeed, it seemed to one in my weak condition. my legs trembled under me when i walked, while hot sun and pelting rain were like flame and stinging ice to my morbidly sensitive skin.
for many days my sufferings were excessive, so that i often wished myself back in that milder purgatory of the forest, from which i had been so anxious to escape. when i try to retrace my route on the map, there occurs a break here — a space on the chart where names of rivers and mountains call up no image to my mind, although, in a few cases, they were names i seem to have heard in a troubled dream. the impressions of nature received during that sick period are blurred, or else so coloured and exaggerated by perpetual torturing anxiety, mixed with half-delirious night-fancies, that i can only think of that country as an earthly inferno, where i fought against every imaginable obstacle, alternately sweating and freezing, toiling as no man ever toiled before. hot and cold, cold and hot, and no medium. crystal waters; green shadows under coverture of broad, moist leaves; and night with dewy fanning winds — these chilled but did not refresh me; a region in which there was no sweet and pleasant thing; where even the ita palm and mountain glory and airy epiphyte starring the woodland twilight with pendent blossoms had lost all grace and beauty; where all brilliant colours in earth and heaven were like the unmitigated sun that blinded my sight and burnt my brain. doubtless i met with help from the natives, otherwise i do not see how i could have continued my journey; yet in my dim mental picture of that period i see myself incessantly dogged by hostile savages. they flit like ghosts through the dark forest; they surround me and cut off all retreat, until i burst through them, escaping out of their very hands, to fly over some wide, naked savannah, hearing their shrill, pursuing yells behind me, and feeling the sting of their poisoned arrows in my flesh.
this i set down to the workings of remorse in a disordered mind and to clouds of venomous insects perpetually shrilling in my ears and stabbing me with their small, fiery needles.
not only was i pursued by phantom savages and pierced by phantom arrows, but the creations of the indian imagination had now become as real to me as anything in nature. i was persecuted by that superhuman man-eating monster supposed to be the guardian of the forest. in dark, silent places he is lying in wait for me: hearing my slow, uncertain footsteps he starts up suddenly in my path, outyelling the bearded aguaratos in the trees; and i stand paralysed, my blood curdled in my veins. his huge, hairy arms are round me; his foul, hot breath is on my skin; he will tear my liver out with his great green teeth to satisfy his raging hunger. ah, no, he cannot harm me! for every ravening beast, every cold-blooded, venomous thing, and even the frightful curupita, half brute and half devil, that shared the forest with her, loved and worshipped rima, and that mournful burden i carried, her ashes, was a talisman to save me. he has left me, the semi-human monster, uttering such wild, lamentable cries as he hurries away into the deeper, darker woods that horror changes to grief, and i, too, lament rima for the first time: a memory of all the mystic, unimaginable grace and loveliness and joy that had vanished smites on my heart with such sudden, intense pain that i cast myself prone on the earth and weep tears that are like drops of blood.
where in the rude savage heart of guiana was this region where the natural obstacles and pain and hunger and thirst and everlasting weariness were terrible enough without the imaginary monsters and legions of phantoms that peopled it, i cannot say. nor can i conjecture how far i strayed north or south from my course. i only know that marshes that were like sloughs of despond, and barren and wet savannahs, were crossed; and forests that seemed infinite in extent and never to be got through; and scores of rivers that boiled round the sharp rocks, threatening to submerge or dash in pieces the frail bark canoe — black and frightful to look on as rivers in hell; and nameless mountain after mountain to be toiled round or toiled over. i may have seen roraima during that mentally clouded period. i vaguely remember a far-extending gigantic wall of stone that seemed to bar all further progress — a rocky precipice rising to a stupendous height, seen by moonlight, with a huge sinuous rope of white mist suspended from its summit; as if the guardian camoodi of the mountain had been a league-long spectral serpent which was now dropping its coils from the mighty stone table to frighten away the rash intruder.
that spectral moonlight camoodi was one of many serpent fancies that troubled me. there was another, surpassing them all, which attended me many days. when the sun grew hot overhead and the way was over open savannah country, i would see something moving on the ground at my side and always keeping abreast of me. a small snake, one or two feet long. no, not a small snake, but a sinuous mark in the pattern on a huge serpent’s head, five or six yards long, always moving deliberately at my side. if a cloud came over the sun, or a fresh breeze sprang up, gradually the outline of that awful head would fade and the well-defined pattern would resolve itself into the motlings on the earth. but if the sun grew more and more hot and dazzling as the day progressed, then the tremendous ophidian head would become increasingly real to my sight, with glistening scales and symmetrical markings; and i would walk carefully not to stumble against or touch it; and when i cast my eyes behind me i could see no end to its great coils extending across the savannah. even looking back from the summit of a high hill i could see it stretching leagues and leagues away through forests and rivers, across wide plains, valleys and mountains, to lose itself at last in the infinite blue distance.
how or when this monster left me — washed away by cold rains perhaps — i do not know. probably it only transformed itself into some new shape, its long coils perhaps changing into those endless processions and multitudes of pale-faced people i seem to remember having encountered. in my devious wanderings i must have reached the shores of the undiscovered great white lake, and passed through the long shining streets of manoa, the mysterious city in the wilderness. i see myself there, the wide thoroughfare filled from end to end with people gaily dressed as if for some high festival, all drawing aside to let the wretched pilgrim pass, staring at his fever — and famine-wasted figure, in its strange rags, with its strange burden.
a new ahasuerus, cursed by inexpiable crime, yet sustained by a great purpose.
but ahasuerus prayed ever for death to come to him and ran to meet it, while i fought against it with all my little strength. only at intervals, when the shadows seemed to lift and give me relief, would i pray to death to spare me yet a little longer; but when the shadows darkened again and hope seemed almost quenched in utter gloom, then i would curse it and defy its power. through it all i clung to the belief that my will would conquer, that it would enable me to keep off the great enemy from my worn and suffering body until the wished goal was reached; then only would i cease to fight and let death have its way. there would have been comfort in this belief had it not been for that fevered imagination which corrupted everything that touched me and gave it some new hateful character. for soon enough this conviction that the will would triumph grew to something monstrous, a parent of monstrous fancies. worst of all, when i felt no actual pain, but only unutterable weariness of body and soul, when feet and legs were numb so that i knew not whether i trod on dry hot rock or in slime, was the fancy that i was already dead, so far as the body was concerned — had perhaps been dead for days — that only the unconquerable will survived to compel the dead flesh to do its work.
whether it really was will — more potent than the bark of barks and wiser than the physicians — or merely the vis medicatrix with which nature helps our weakness even when the will is suspended, that saved me i cannot say; but it is certain that i gradually recovered health, physical and mental, and finally reached the coast comparatively well, although my mind was still in a gloomy, desponding state when i first walked the streets of georgetown, in rags, half-starved and penniless.
but even when well, long after the discovery that my flesh was not only alive, but that it was of an exceedingly tough quality, the idea born during the darkest period of my pilgrimage, that die i must, persisted in my mind. i had lived through that which would have killed most men — lived only to accomplish the one remaining purpose of my life. now it was accomplished; the sacred ashes brought so far, with such infinite labour, through so many and such great perils, were safe and would mix with mine at last. there was nothing more in life to make me love it or keep me prisoner in its weary chains. this prospect of near death faded in time; love of life returned, and the earth had recovered its everlasting freshness and beauty; only that feeling about rima’s ashes did not fade or change, and is as strong now as it was then. say that it is morbid — call it superstition if you like; but there it is, the most powerful motive i have known, always in all things to be taken into account — a philosophy of life to be made to fit it. or take it as a symbol, since that may come to be one with the thing symbolized. in those darkest days in the forest i had her as a visitor — a rima of the mind, whose words when she spoke reflected my despair. yet even then i was not entirely without hope. heaven itself, she said, could not undo that which i had done; and she also said that if i forgave myself, heaven would say no word, nor would she. that is my philosophy still: prayers, austerities, good works — they avail nothing, and there is no intercession, and outside of the soul there is no forgiveness in heaven or earth for sin. nevertheless there is a way, which every soul can find out for itself — even the most rebellious, the most darkened with crime and tormented by remorse. in that way i have walked; and, self-forgiven and self-absolved, i know that if she were to return once more and appear to me — even here where her ashes are — i know that her divine eyes would no longer refuse to look into mine, since the sorrow which seemed eternal and would have slain me to see would not now be in them.
