he eyed the windows furtively, hoping to catch her peering out. he commenced to tinker with his engine to give himself an excuse for delaying. why hadn’t he accepted her breakfast invitation? without her he felt utterly desolate.
perhaps, if he stayed there long enough, she would come to him. the door would open and he would hear her saying shyly, “ha! so it did break down!” of course the sensible thing to do would be to walk boldly up the steps and ask for her. but love prefers strategy.
a man came strolling along the terrace. he was in gray flannels, wore a straw hat and was swinging a cane jauntily. he had a distinct waist-line and humorous blue eyes. he was the kind of man who keeps a valet.
“hulloa! something wrong?”
teddy unstooped his shoulders. “nothing much. nothing that i can’t put right.”
“well, i’m going in here.” the man glanced across his shoulder at the house. “if it’s water you want or anything like that, or if you’d care to use the phone——”
teddy flushed scarlet beneath his tan. so this cheerful looking person was horace who, cooperating with fluffy, had set an example that had cheapened all love’s values?
“i won’t trouble you. thanks all the same.”
had he dared, he would have accepted the proffered assistance. but desire would guess; they all would guess that he had acted a lie to gain an entrance. contempt for the foolishness of his situation made him hurry. the car made a miraculous recovery—so miraculous that the blue eyes twinkled with dawning knowledge.
“come a long way to judge from the dust! from glastonbury, perhaps?”
teddy jumped to the seat and seized the wheel. “yes, from glastonbury,” he said hastily.
as he drove away he muttered, “played me like a trout! he’s no cause to laugh when he’s been refused himself.”
from the end of the terrace, he glanced back. the man, with leisurely self-possession, was entering the house. he felt for him the impotent envy that dives in torment felt, when he saw lazarus lying on abraham’s bosom. he tried to jeer himself out of his melancholy. “i’m very young,” he kept saying. but when he imagined the party of three at breakfast, he could have wept.
now that she had vanished, he remembered only her allurement. her faults became attractions: her coldness was modesty; her defense of fluffy, loyalty; her unreasonable request that he should come to america, love. what girl would expect a man to do that unless she loved him?
the reality of his predicament began to grow upon him. this wasn’t a romance or a dream he had invented; it had happened.
in a shadowed spot, overlooking the canal, he halted the car. he must think matters out—must get a grip on himself before he went further. water-carts were going up and down. well-groomed men were walking briskly through the park on their way to business. boys and girls on bicycles passed him, going out by way of hampstead for a day in the country. the absolute normality of life, its level orderliness, thrust itself upon him. he looked at the sedate rows of houses, showing up substantially behind sun-drenched branches. he saw their window-boxes, their whitened doorsteps, their general appearance of permanency. the men who lived in those houses wouldn’t say to a girl, “i love you,” in the first half-dozen hours of acquaintance. but neither would the girls say to a seven-hour-old lover, “come to america”; they wouldn’t even say, “run down to southend,” for fear of being thought forward.
how distorted the views seemed to him now that he had held on the journey up from glastonbury! they were the result of moonlight and of the pageant emotions stirred by a medieval world. how preposterously he had acted!
he tried to put himself in desire’s place that he might judge her fairly. irresponsible friends send her a telegram, saying that a man is coming to fetch her. of course she believes that the man is to be trusted; but the first thing he does is to make love. in spite of that, she has to go with him; he is her one chance of getting to london. he at once commences to take advantage of her; she gets frightened and pretends to go to sleep in order to escape him. in the morning she discovers that he’s an old friend, but there’s too little time to replace the bad impression. at the last moment she feels sorry for him—begins to feel that she really does care for him; so she says the only thing possible under the circumstances, “come to america.”
obviously she wasn’t going to give herself away all at once. in that she had been wise, for, though he had wanted her to, he knew that if she had, she would have lowered her value.
but he wished she had shown more curiosity. she’d talked all about herself and hadn’t asked him a single question. she hadn’t even called him by his name—not once.
then the cloud of his depression lifted. the truth came home to him in a flash: all these complaints and this unhappiness were proofs positive that at last he was in love. the splendor of the thought thrilled him—in love. the curtain had gone up. his long period of lonely waiting was ended. for him the greatest drama that two souls can stage had begun. whither it would lead he could not guess. everything was a blank except the present, and that was filled with an aching happiness. she was going from him. already she was out of sight and sound; in a few hours he would be cut off from all communication with her. yet he was happy in the knowledge that, however uncertain he might be of her, he belonged to her irrevocably. he longed to give himself to her service in complete self-surrender. his work, his ambitions, everything he was or could be, must be a gift for her. but how to make her understand this, while there was yet time?
he drove out of the park, passing by her house. of her there was no sign. he wondered what they were doing in there. was the man with the blue eyes taking his place and helping to strap her trunks? or was he making love to fluffy, while desire looked on wistfully and wished—wished what he himself was wishing?
“you were a little judging?”
yes, he had been judging. it had all taken place so differently from anything that he had conjectured. she herself was so different from the desire he had imagined. all these years he had been preparing for her coming, but to her his coming had been an accident. that had hurt—hurt his pride, to have to acknowledge that she had almost forgotten the old kindnesses. and then she had tantalized him—-had taken a pleasure in treating him lightly. perhaps all girls did that; it might be their way of defending themselves. probably she hadn’t meant one half of what she had said, and had been trying to shock him. he couldn’t bear that she should think him narrow or censorious. the more he condemned himself, the more he longed to convince her of his breadth and generosity.
he found a florist’s and ordered a quantity of flowers.
“shall i enclose your card, sir?”
“it doesn’t matter.”
he was afraid that, if she knew for certain they were from him, she might not accept them.
“the lady’s leaving euston on the boat-train for liverpool, so you must get them to her at once.”
“you shall see the boy start, sir. going on a liner, is the lady, sir?”
“yes, to america.”
“then, may i make a suggestion?” desire would have said that the florist was very understanding; he rubbed his hands and looked out of the window to avoid any needless causing of embarrassment. “if i might make a suggestion, sir, i would say it would be very nice to send the lady seven bouquets—one for every day of the voyage.”
“but can it be done? i mean, will the flowers keep fresh?”
“oh, yes, sir. it’s quite the regular thing. we pack them in seven boxes and we mark each box for the day on which it’s to be opened. we send instructions with them for the lady to give to the purser, to keep them on ice. usually we slip five shillings into the envelope with the instructions. then the lady finds her bouquet waiting for her on her plate each morning with her breakfast. the idea is that she’ll think of the gentleman who sent them.” this florist understood too much. he treated love as a thing that happened every day, which, of course, it didn’t. teddy assumed an off-hand manner. “if it won’t take too long to make up the bouquets, i’ll have them as well.”
“as well as the cut flowers?”
“yes.”
he helped to select the rosebuds, orchids and violets that were to lie against her breast it gave him a comforting sense of nearness to her. when the man’s back was turned he stooped to catch their fragrance and brushed his lips against their petals. perhaps she might do the same, and her lips would touch the flowers where his had touched. by subtler words than language they would explain to her his love. when she landed in that far-away new york, he would be with her, for the flowers would have kept his memory fresh.
“certain you won’t send your card, sir? it’s quite etiquette, i assure you.”
he shook his head irritably. the man took the hint and became absorbed in his own affairs. the boxes were tied up, the bill settled. teddy watched the boy bicycle away on his errand and envied him the privilege of ringing her door-bell.
breakfast! he hadn’t had any. he was too excited to feel hungry. he didn’t want to go home yet; he’d have to explain the abrupt ending of his holiday. he was trying to make up his mind to go to the station to see her off. as he drove about, killing time, he came to trafalgar square. that made him think of cockspur street and the shipping offices. he pulled up at ocean house to find out what boats were sailing on that day. there were three of them, any one of which might be hers. a mad whim took him. of course it was out of the question that he should go to america. how could he explain such a voyage to his parents? he couldn’t say, “i met desire for a handful of hours and i’m in love.” besides, he would never let any one suspect that he was in love. he wouldn’t even be able to mention his night ride from glastonbury. it would sound improper to people who weren’t romance-people. he could see the pained look that would steal into his mother’s eyes if he told her. nevertheless, although it was quite impossible, he asked for a list of sailings and made inquiries as to fares.
then he drove to gatti’s for breakfast and a general tidy-up. something was the matter with the mirrors this morning. he saw himself with humble displeasure. until he had met desire, he had felt perfectly contented with his appearance; he had found nothing in it at which to take offense. but now he began to have a growing sense of injury against the almighty. as he sat in the mirrored room, waiting for his meal to be served, his reflections watched him from half-a-dozen angles. they seemed to be saying to him, “poor chap! may as well face up to the fact. this is how you look; and you expect her to love you.”
he compared himself with her. he thought of her eyes, her lips, her hair, the grace of her figure, the wonderful smallness of her hands. her voice came back to him—the sultry, emotional, coaxing way she had of using it the arch self-composure of her manner came back—the glances half-mocking, half-tender which she knew how to dart from under her long lashes. she was more elf than woman.
all her actions and speech were unconsciously calculated to win affection. her beauty was without blemish; the memory of her filled him with self-ridicule. he regarded himself in the mirrors with sorrowful despising. his face was too long, his eyes too hollow, his mouth too sensitive—nothing was right. how could she ever bring herself to love him? how monstrous it seemed to him now that he should have dared to criticize her! there was only one way to win her approbation—to make her admire his talent a thought struck him. leaving his meal untasted, he ran out in search of a bookshop.
“a copy of life till twenty-one. yes, by theodore gurney. can you deliver it?... no, that’s too late. it’s got to be there by eleven. if you can send a boy now, i’ll give him half-a-crown for his trouble. i’ll drive him in my car to within a hundred yards of the house. it’s most important. the people who want it are sailing for america.”
as the shopman wrapped it up, he remarked, “you were in luck to get a copy. there’s been a run on it. the publishers are out of stock. this is our last one.”
once again he came within sight of her house. at a discreet distance he set his messenger down and saw the book delivered. his heart fluttered as the door opened; she might—it was just possible—she might come out. but no, all he had was a fleeting glimpse of the maid in the white cap and apron.
the moment the deed was done, he was assailed by trepidations. it might seem egotistical to her, bad taste, vaunting. he could almost hear her laughing. oh, well, if she troubled to read it—and surely she would do that out of curiosity—she would learn exactly how much she had meant to him. she would see her own face looking out from the pen-and-ink drawings that dodged up and down the margins.
within the next hour he sent her three telegrams. the first simply gave his address in eden row. the second said, “please write to me.” the third was a bold optimism, “perhaps coming.” after that he had to stop, for the time was approaching when she would be leaving for the station. the signing of the telegrams gave him much difficulty. the first bore his signature in full, “theodore gurney”; the next was less formal, “theodore”; the last touched the chord of memory, “teddy.” his difficulty had arisen because he couldn’t remember that she had called him anything.
she lived in his thoughts as a phantom—too little as a creature of flesh and blood. within the brief space that had elapsed since he had touched her, she had become again a faery’s child. the sound of her laughter was in his ears. he imagined how her finger had gone up to her mouth and the babies had come into her eyes, each time the bell had rung and something fresh had been handed in to her. “very queer and dear of him,” she had said—something like that.
it was nearly twelve. he was torn between his anxiety to see her and his shyness at intruding. if he had had only her to face, he would have gone to euston; but she’d be surrounded by friends. when it was too late, he cursed his lack of enterprise.
perhaps she had sent him an answer to his telegrams. he hurried back to eden row. as he came in sight of the tree-shadowed street, with the river gleaming along its length and the staid, sleepy houses lining its pavement, the calm normality of an orderly world again accused him. to have suggested to eden row a trip to america merely to see a girl would have sounded like an affront to its sanity. as he passed by orchid lodge, the carriage-and-pair was waiting for mrs. sheerug to come out. for fifteen years she had been going through the same curriculum of self-imposed duties—playing her harp, working at her tapestries, scattering her philanthropies. how could he say to her, “i’m going to america,” without stating an adequate reason?
his mother met him in the hall. “why, teddy, back! what’s the matter? you didn’t send us warning.”
“i got tired of roving,” he said. “has anything come?”
“come! no. i forwarded your last letters to glastonbury. i thought you were to be there this morning.”
“so i was to have been, but—i changed my mind suddenly.”
“you look awfully tired.”
“i am.” he forced a laugh. “i haven’t slept. i drove all night for the fun of it. i think i’ll go and lie down.” in the room where he had passed his boyhood dreaming of her, he sat down to wait for her message. he looked out of the window. how unaltered everything was, and yet how different! the pigeons fluttered. in the studio at the bottom of the garden he could make out the figure of his father, standing before his easel. across the wall, mr. yaffon carried cans of water back and forth among his flowers. he remembered the great dread he had had that nothing would ever happen. and now it had happened—money, reputation, and at last desire. he ought to be feeling immensely glad; he was in love—the make-believe passions of childhood on which he had fed his imagination were ended. the real thing had come. if he could only have one sign from her that she cared——
he listened. every time he heard the bell ring he went out on to the landing and called, “anything for me? what is it?”
afternoon lengthened out. he manufactured reasons for her silence. she had probably intended to telegraph him from euston, but had been rushed at the last minute. she would do it from liverpool before she sailed. that would mean that he would hear from her by seven. anyway she had his flowers and she had his book—so many things to remind her of him. he pictured her curled up in a corner of the railway-carriage, blind to the flying country, deaf to what was going on about her, smiling over the pages of life till twenty-one, and recognizing what poetry he had brought to his loving of her. she wouldn’t be hard on him any longer for his behavior on the ride from glastonbury. she would understand why he hadn’t liked her to speak of love as though it were flirtation. perhaps already she was feeling a little proud of him—nearly as proud as he felt of her.
seven struck on the clock downstairs. eight, nine, ten! no message would come till morning now; but he would not let himself believe that she had not sent one. probably she had given it to horace, and he had slipped it into his pocket and forgotten. something like that! or else, being a girl and afraid to appear forward, she would write a letter on the ship and send it ashore by the pilot. a letter would seem to her so much less important than a telegram.
his mother looked in on her way to bed. “still up? you’ve been hiding all evening. what have you been doing? working?”
she slipped her arm about his neck and laid her face against his cheek. she was trying to sympathize—trying to draw him out. what did she suspect? instinctively he barricaded his privacy. he felt a cruel shame that his secret should be guessed. why he should feel ashamed of love—of love which was so beautiful—he could not tell. “what have you been doing, teddy?”
he smiled cheerfully. “doing! i’ve had an idea. a good one. i’ve been thinking it out.”
“for your next book?”
“perhaps.”
when she was gone, he turned out his light. he knew she would be watching for its glow against the trees. if she did not see it, she would believe him sleeping and her mind would be at rest. then he seated himself by the open window in the darkness.
he thought of vashti, who had not married hal. did desire know that her mother had not married? he remembered the horror he had felt when he had learnt that fact—the chivalrous pity for desire it had aroused. it was then that he had planned, when he became a man, to help her in the paying of the price. and now——
he smiled frowningly. she didn’t seem to need his help. she was the happiest, most radiant person he had ever met. she had found the intenser world, for which he had always been searching—the world which is forever somewhere else. his world—his poor little world, which he had tried to make so fine that he might offer it to her—his world seemed dull in comparison.
“come to america,” she had said, as though the people she knew were those lucky persons who are at all times free to travel, and never need to trouble about expense. it hadn’t seemed to enter her head that he might have obligations or a living to earn. she hadn’t even inquired; she had just said, “come to america,” as another might say, “if you care to call, you’ll find me at home on fridays.”
he adored her the more, as is the way with lovers, for the magnificent inconsequence of her request. it was the standard she set for his need of her—the proof she required. the more he thought, the more certain he was of that.
next morning brought neither telegram nor letter. all day he stayed at home, fearing that, if he went out, something might arrive in his absence. her silence drove him to distraction. could it be that she was offended? was she annoyed because he had put her into a book? had she expected him to turn up at euston for a final farewell? he must get some word to her. there were three ships, any one of which might be carrying her. he went out that evening and addressed a wireless message to her on each of them: “thinking of you. longing to hear from you. love.” he felt very discomforted when the clerk, before accepting them, insisted on reading them over aloud. again he hoped vainly that she might guess his suspense—perhaps gauge his by her own—and return a wireless. nothing.
the next three weeks were the longest in his memory. he became an expert on transatlantic sailings. every day he covered several pages to her. he filled them with sketches; he put into them all the emotion and cleverness of which he was capable. he said all the tender and witty things he had intended to say to her when they met.
he burlesqued his own shyness. he recalled happenings of the old farmhouse days which even he had all but forgotten. as an artist he knew that he was outdoing himself. his letters were masterpieces. he laughed and cried over some of the passages in the same breath. they couldn’t fail to move her. when three weeks had elapsed he began to look for an answer. none came. it was as though she mocked him, saying: “come to america if you really care.”
he grew hurt. for a month he tried the effect of not writing. then he tried to forget her, and did his best to become absorbed in his work. but the old habits of industry had lost their attraction; every day was a gray emptiness. his quietness seemed irrecoverable. she haunted him. sometimes the wind was in her hair and her face was turned from him. sometimes her gray eyes watched him cloudily, and her warm red lips pouted with tender melancholy. he saw her advancing through the starlit streets of glastonbury, walking proudly in her queen’s attire. he saw her in a thousand ways; every one was sweet, and every one was torturing.
“this is love,” he told himself; “love which all the inspired people of the world have painted and described and sung.”
the odd thing was that, much as it made him suffer, he would not have been without it.
his mother noticed his restlessness and would have coaxed hi$ secret from him, but his lips were obstinately sealed. he could not bring himself to confess. he resorted to evasions which he felt to be unworthy.
gradually the determination grew up in him to go to america. he sought for an excuse that would disguise his real purpose. it came to him in a letter from a new york editor, offering prices, which sounded fabulous by english standards, for a series of illustrated reminiscences of childhood similar to those contained in life till twenty-one.
he read the letter aloud at the breakfast table. “i’m going,” he said, “to talk it over.”
“going where?” his father questioned.
“to america.”
“oh, nonsense!”
he let the subject drop for the time being; but a few days later he walked out of ocean house and whistled his way down cockspur street to trafalgar square. he halted in the drowsy august sun and pulled the ticket from his pocket to examine it. he could scarcely credit the reckless length to which his infatuation had carried him.
he seemed to see her again, standing on the threshold in her green-and-gold pageant costume, whispering tauntingly, “come to america if you really care.”
she would have to acknowledge now how much she meant to him. he couldn’t wait to tell her. crossing the street to charing cross telegraph office, he cabled her the date of his arrival, the ship on which he was sailing and the one word, “coming.” then he turned thoughtfully homeward, to break the news to eden row.
her masterly faculty for silence had conquered.
