nother bucket o’ mortar, mr. ooze.”
the excessively thin man glanced up from the puddle of lime that he was stirring and regarded the excessively fat man with a smile of meek interrogation.
“’nother bucket o’ mortar, willie ooze, and don’t you put your ’ead on one side at me like a bloomin’ cockatoo.”
mr. william hughes stuttered an apology. “i was thin-thinking.”
“thin-thinking!” the fat man laughed good-naturedly. turning his back on his helper, he gave the brick which he had just laid an extra tap to emphasize his incredulity. “’tisn’t like you.”
the thin man’s feelings were wounded. to the little boy who looked on this was evident from the way he swallowed. his adam’s-apple took a run up his throat and, at the last moment, thought better of it. “but i was thinking,” he persisted; “thinking that i’d learnt something from stirring up this gray muck. if ever i was to kill somebody—you, for instance, or that boy—i’d know better than to bury you in slaked lime.”
“uml urn!” the fat man gulped with surprise. he puckered his vast chin against his collar so that his voice came deep and strangled. “it’s scraps o’ knowledge like that as saves men from the gallers. if ’alf the murderers that is ’anged ’ad come to me first, they wouldn’t be ’anging. but—but——” he seemed at last to realize the unkind implication of mr. hughes’s naive confession. “but i’d make four o’ you, willyum! you couldn’t kill me, however you tried.”
in the face of contradiction mr. hughes forgot his nervousness. “i could.” he pleaded earnestly. “i’ve often thought about it. i’d put off till you was stooping, and then jump. what with you being so short of breath and me being so long in the arms and legs, why——! i’ve planned it out many times, you and me being such good friends and so much alone together.”
the face of the fat man grew serious with disapproval. “you? ’ave, ’ave you! you’ve got as far as that! you’re a nice domestic pet, i must say, to keep unchained to play with the children.” he attempted to go on with his bricklaying, but the memory of mr. hughes’s long arms and legs so immediately behind him was disturbing. he swung round holding his trowel like a weapon. “don’t like your way of talking; don’t like it. o’ course you’ve ‘ad your troubles; for them i make allowances. but i don’t like it, and i don’t mind telling you. um! um!”
the thin man was crestfallen; he had hoped to give pleasure. “but i thought you liked murders.”
“like ’em! i enjoy them—so i do.” the fat man spoke tartly. “but when you make me the corpse of your conversations, you presoom, mr. ooze, and i don’t mind telling you—you really do. let that boy be the corpse next time; leave me out of it—— ’nother bucket o’ mortar.”
that boy, who was sole witness to this quarrel, was very small—far smaller than his age. in the big walled garden of orchid lodge he felt smaller than usual. everything was strange; even the whispered sigh of dead leaves was different as they swam up and swirled in eddies. in his own garden, only six walls distant, their sigh was gentle as dearie’s footstep—but something had happened to dearie; jimmie boy had told him so that morning. “teddy, little man, it’s happened again”—the information had left teddy none the wiser. all he knew was that jane had told the milkman that something was expected, and that the milkman had told the cook at orchid lodge. the result had been the intrusion at breakfast of the remarkable mrs. sheerug.
for a long while mrs. sheerug had been a staple topic of conversation between dearie and jimmie boy. they had wondered who she was. they had made up the most preposterous tales about her and had told them to teddy. they would watch for her to come out of her house six doors away, so that as she passed their window in eden row jimmie boy might make rapid sketches of her trotting balloon-like figure. he had used her more than once already in books which he had been commissioned to illustrate. she was the faery-godmother in his cinderella and other ancient tales: with!6 plates in color by james gurney. she was mother santa claus in his christmas up to date. they had rather wanted to get to know her, this child-man and woman who seemed no older than their little son and at times, even to their little son, not half as sensible. they had wanted to get to know her because she was always smiling, and because she was always upholstered in such hideously clashing colors, and because she was always setting out burdened on errands from which she returned empty-handed. the attraction of mrs. sheerug was heightened by jane’s, the maid-of-all-work’s, discoveries: orchid lodge was heavily in debt to the local tradesmen and yet (it was dearie who said “and yet.” with a sigh of envy), and yet its mistress was always smiling.
when mrs. sheerug had invaded teddy’s father that morning, she had come arrayed for conquest. she had worn a green plush mantle, a blue bonnet and, waving defiance from the blue bonnet, a yellow feather.
“i’m a total stranger,” she had said. “go on with your breakfast, mr. gurney, i’ve had mine. i’ll watch you. well, i’ve heard, and so i’ve dropped in to see what i can do. you mustn’t mind me; trying to be a mother to everyone’s my foible. now, first of all, you can’t have that boy in the house—boys are nice, but a nuisance. they’re noisy.”
“but teddy, i mean theo, isn’t.”
it was just like jimmie boy to call him theo before a stranger and to assume the r么le of a respected parent.
mrs. sheerug refused to be contradicted. she was cheerful, but emphatic. “if he never made a noise before, he will now. as soon as i’ve made theo comfortable, i’ll come back to take care of you.”
making theo comfortable had consisted in leading him down the old-fashioned, little-traveled street, on one side of which the river ran, guarded by iron spikes like spears set up on end, and turning him loose in the strange garden, where he had overheard a fat man accusing a thin man of murderous intentions.
teddy looked round. the walls were too high to climb. if he shouted for help he might rouse the men’s enmity. neither of them seemed to be annoyed with him at present, for neither of them had spoken to him. there was no alternative—he must stick it out. that’s what his father told dearie to do when pictures weren’t selling and bills were pressing. already he had picked up the philosophy that life outlasts every difficulty—every difficulty except death.
mr. hughes, having supplied the bucket of mortar, was trying to make himself useful in a new direction. the groan and coughing of a saw were heard. the fat man dropped his trowel and turned. he watched mr. hughes sorrowfully.
“mr. ooze, that’s no way to make a job o’ that” for the first time he addressed the little boy: “he’s as busy as a one-armed paper-’anger with the itch this s’morning. bless my soul, if he isn’t sawing more ground than wood.” then to mr. hughes: “’ere, give me that. now watch me; this is the way to do it.”
the fat man took the saw from the meek man’s unresisting hand. “you lay it so,” he said. he laid the saw almost horizontal with the plank. the thin man leant forward that he might profit by instruction, and nodded.
“and now,” said the fat man, “you get all your weight be’ind it and drive forward.”
as he drove forward the blade slipped and jabbed mr. hughes’s leg. mr. hughes sat down with a howl and drew up his trousers to inspect the damage. when the fat man had examined the scratch and pronounced it not serious, he proposed a rest and produced a pipe. “nice smoke,” he said, “is more comforting than any woman, only i wish i’d known it before i married.” then he became aware that he alone was smoking.
“what, lost yours, mr. ooze? just what one might expect! you’re the most unlucky chap i ever met, yes, and careless. you bring your troubles on yourself, willie ooze. first you go and lose a wife that you never ought to ’ave ’ad, and now you lose something still more valuable.”
“ah, yes!” the thin man ceased from searching through his pockets and heaved a sigh. “i lose everything. suppose i’ll go on losing till the grave shuts down on this body o’ me—and then i’ll lose that. my ’air began to come out before i was twenty—tonics weren’t no good. now i always ’ave to wear a ’at—do it even in the ’ouse, unless i’m reminded. and then, as you say, there was poor ’enrietta. i’m always wondering whether i really lost ’er, or whether——”
“expect she gave you the slip on purpose,” said the fat man. “best forget it; consider ’er as so much spilt milk.”
“that’s just what i can’t do.” mr. hughes clasped his bony hands: “it don’t seem respectful to what’s maybe dead.”
as far as teddy could make out from their conversation, ’enrietta had once been mrs. hughes. on a trip to southend she had insisted on taking a swing in a highflyer. to her great annoyance her husband had been too timid to accompany her, and she had had to take it by herself. the last he had seen of her was a flushed face and flapping skirt swooping in daring semi-circles between the heavens and the ground. when the swing had stopped and he pressed through the crowd to claim her, she had vanished.
perhaps it was the blood on the thin man’s leg that prompted the fat man’s observation. “it might ’ave been that.”
“what?”
the fat man drew his finger across his throat suggestively. “that.” he repeated. “it might ’ave ’appened to your ’enrietta.”
“often thought it myself.” mr. hughes spoke slowly. “but—but d’you think anybody would suspect that i——?”
“they might.” the fat man rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “it’s usually chaps of your build that does it; as the lofty mr. shakespeare puts it, ’i ’ate those lean and ’ungry men.’”
“very true! very true! lefroy was lean and ’ungry. i know, ’cause i once rode with ’im in the same railway carriage.”
teddy listened, fascinated and horror-stricken, to the fat and thin man swapping anecdotes of murders past and present. for half an hour they strove to outdo each other in ghastliness and minuteness of details.
when they had returned to their work and mr. hughes was at a safe distance, the fat man spoke beneath his breath to the little boy: “he’s no good at anything. i keep him with me ’cause we both makes a ’obby of ’omicide—that’s the doctor’s word for the kind o’ illness we was talking about. also,” here his voice became as refined as teddy’s father’s, “he amuses me with his cockney dialect he says he’s unlucky because he was born in a hansom-cab. whenever i speak to him i call him ooze and drop my aitches. it’s another of my hobbies—that and keeping pigeons. pretending to be vulgar relieves my feelings. when one’s married and as stout as i am, if one doesn’t relieve one’s feelings one bursts.”
for the same reason that one lavishes endearments on a dog of uncertain temper, teddy thought it wise to feign an interest in the fat man’s hobbies. “it can’t be very nice for them,” he faltered.
“for ’oo?”
“the persons.”
“what persons?”
“the persons you do it to.”
“do it to! do it to! you’re making me lose my temper, which is bad for me ’ealth; that’s what you’re doing. now, then, do what? don’t beat about. out with it.”
for answer the little boy drew a tremulous finger across his throat in imitation of one of the fat man’s gestures.
the fat man started laughing—laughing uproariously. his body shook like a jelly and fell into dimples. he tried to speak, but couldn’t. at last he shouted: “mr. ooze, come ’ere. this little boy—”
then he stopped laughing suddenly and dropped his rough way of talking. the child’s face had gone desperately white. “poor chap! must have frightened you! here, steady.”
“now you’ve done it,” said mr. hughes, coming up from behind. “and when your wife knows, won’t you catch it!”
