september 5th.
every day vere seems to improve. it is simply wonderful how she has bounded ahead after the first start. hope and happiness have a great deal to do with it, the doctor says, and the expectation of being better, which has taken the place of the old despair. she looks deliciously happy, and satisfied, and at rest, while as for jim—he is ten years younger at the very least, and can hardly believe that his good fortune is true, and not a dream.
needless to say he bought the ring at once—such a beauty! a great big pearl surrounded with diamonds. i mean to have the twin of it when i am engaged myself. vere wears it hung on a chain round her neck for the present, but as soon as she can walk it is to go on her finger, and the engagement will be announced. she has been propped up on her couch higher and higher every day, and yesterday she actually sat on a chair for half an hour, and felt none the worse.
we are all so happy that we don’t know what to do—at least, i am miserable enough sometimes when i am alone, and begin thinking of myself. when vere marries and goes away i shall be horribly dull, and when rachel marries i wonder where they will live—the dudleys, i mean! the dudleys! will is heir to an old bachelor uncle who has a place in the north. that’s the reason why he is learning to be an agent here, so that he may know how to manage his own land when he gets it. i think, on the whole, i would rather he and rachel went quite away, but how flat and uninteresting everything would be! i shall have to go about with father more than ever, but we shall never meet will striding about in his tweed suit and deerstalker cap; he will never join us any more and have nice long talks. oh, dear! why do people want to marry other people in this world? why can’t they all go on as they are, being friends and having a good time together? captain grantly married lady mary at easter, and i suppose wallace will marry the pretty girl next, and lorna will write to say she is engaged, and can’t be bothered with me any more.
i shall never marry. i could never induce myself to accept a second-best as vere has done. that sounds horrid, and, of course, she declares now that she never cared for another man, but i know better! she was in love with will at one time, but she knew it was hopeless, and jim’s devotion during all those weary months was enough to melt a heart of stone.
vere wished rachel to be told of her engagement at once, and despatched me to the grange to carry the news, and, as will dudley happened to be there at the time, he was really obliged to walk home with me, so far, at least, as our paths lay together. it was the first time we had been really alone for an age, and we were both rather silent for the first part of the walk. then we began talking of the engagement, and got on better. will had been a little uncertain in his congratulations, and he explained why.
“carstairs is a splendid fellow. i admire him immensely, and there is no doubt about his feelings. he has adored your sister for years, but—she never appeared to me to appreciate his devotion!”
i smiled to myself, recalling vere’s rhapsodies of an hour ago.
“by her own account she has never thought of anyone else, nor cared for anyone else, nor wished for anyone else, but has adored him all the time she was snubbing him and flirting with other men. curious, isn’t it? the funny part of it is she really and truly believes that it is true.”
“for the moment—yes. i can understand that. she is altogether in a highly nervous, exalted condition, and feels that the first act of convalescence ought to be to reward his long waiting. my only fear is that when she gets back to a normal condition she may realise that what she feels is more gratitude and affection than love.”
“i don’t think so, and you wouldn’t either if you saw them together. i detest lovers as a rule, they are so dull and self-engrossed; but it is pretty to watch vere and jim. she is so saucy and domineering, and he is so blissfully happy to be bullied. oh, yes, i am sure it is all right! i am sure they will be happy.”
“god grant it!” he said solemnly. “everything depends upon the truth of their feelings for each other. if that is right, nothing else will have power to hurt them seriously. if it is not—” he broke off, looking so serious that i felt frightened, and said nervously:
“but, surely—even at the worst, gratitude and affection would be a good foundation!”
“for everything else, but not for marriage. it is a ghastly mistake to imagine that they can ever take the place of love. never fall into that error, babs, however much you may be tempted. never let any impulse of gratitude or pity induce you to promise to marry a man if you have no warmer feeling. it would be the most cruel thing you could do, not only for yourself, but for him!”
“i have fallen into it once already, but he would not have me,” i said, recalling my hasty speech to wallace forbes, and at that will’s face lit up with sudden animation, and he cried eagerly:
“was that the explanation? i guessed, of course, that something had happened while you were away last autumn. you remember i was calling on your sister at the time of your unexpected return, and you have never been quite the same since? whatever happened then has changed you from a girl into a woman.”
i sighed, as i always did when i recalled that miserable incident.
“i am glad you think so. i want to be changed. please don’t think me the heroine of an interesting romance. i was a selfish wretch, and amused myself by flirting without thinking of anything but my own amusement. i was very down on my luck just then, and had got it into my head that no one cared for me, and when—he—did, it cheered and soothed my feelings, so i let things drift until it was too late. do you despise me altogether, or can you understand that, bad as it was, it wasn’t so hopelessly bad as it sounds?”
“i understand better than you think, perhaps. and you repented in sackcloth and ashes, and were ready to make a sacrifice of yourself by way of reparation? thank heaven he was man enough to refuse that offer! whatever happens to the rest of us, you, at least, must be happy. you were meant for happiness, and must not throw it aside. i shall probably leave this place soon, and we may seldom meet in the future, but i should like to think of you in the sunshine. promise me to be happy, babs! promise me that you will be happy!”
he turned towards me with a violence of voice and manner so unlike his usual composed, half-quizzical manner, that i was quite aghast, and did not know how to reply. for the first time a doubt of his own happiness sprang into my mind, and once there it seemed to grow bigger and bigger with every moment that passed. he did not speak like a happy man; he did not look like a man whose heart was at rest. looking at him closely, i saw a network of lines about his mouth, which i had never noticed before; his eyes looked tired and sunken. he has changed since i saw him first a year ago, and yet there seems nothing to account for it, for his circumstances are all the same. is he depressed because rachel still puts off their marriage? oh, if i were in her place i could not endure to see him looking ill and sad, and still leave him alone! nothing should keep me away! i’d jump over the moon to get to his side!
we stood still in the middle of the quiet path and stared at each other. i don’t know what he was thinking, but my own thoughts made me blush and change the subject hurriedly.
“oh, i mean to be happy! i have had so much anxiety and trouble this last year that i’m just bubbling over with pent-up spirits. this engagement has put the finishing touch to my self-control, and i must do something at once to let off steam. did you hear me ask rachel to go over to farnham with us to-morrow? father and mother and i are going to do it in record time in the new motor, and rachel is coming, too. she has never been in a motor, and is eager to see what it is like. it’s quite a triumph to get her to accept an invitation, isn’t it? you can come, too, if you like; there’s room for another, and the more the merrier. do come, and let us all be happy together! we could have such a merry day!”
he hesitated for a moment, then laughed in a sort of reckless way, and cried loudly:
“yes, let us be happy! it is only for one day. let us throw care to the winds, and think of nothing but our own enjoyment. oh, yes, i’ll come! we will have a happy day, babs—a happy day together!”
so now it is all arranged, and i am longing for the time to come. we three will sit together on the back seat and talk all the time, and, as will says, i shall just forget everything in the world i don’t care to remember, and enjoy every minute of the time.
