1
and still they found no place to live, and their week at the st. dunstan became as second, and a third.
they went together to look at dozens of apartments. rose-ann was observantly critical of their good and bad features, and yet extremely complaisant; he felt that she would have agreed to anything he wanted. but he had not forgotten her fierce discontent at “ordinary” apartments, and he was looking for something that would really please her. he felt that he had not found it yet....
and no one at the st. dunstan had objected to the noise of their typewriter on occasional evenings. they could have breakfast brought up and set down on a tray at their bedside, a breakfast of cool grapefruit and elaborately disguised eggs and coffee with cream, and linger over their last sip of coffee and a final cigarette before dressing lazily; and felix could stroll into the office at ten o’clock, like hawkins—a free man and not a hurried, anxious slave.
felix had at first felt a little guilty about these late appearances, when everybody else had been at work for hours; but it was apparently expected of him that he would take due advantage of the opportunities for leisure that the position gave. so long as he did his work, it did not matter when he came or went; hawkins himself did not show up every day—and there was that god-like being, the literary editor, mcquish, he who had taught the chicago intelligentsia to speak of their “reactions” and of being “intrigued”: he fulminated his wednesday critiques locked in his office on tuesday afternoon and except for his tuesday arrival and departure was never seen around the place at all!
163felix’s new loose-fitting homespun clothes, with their air of having been worn in to town from a country-club, helped felix to feel the rightful possessor of this leisure, and to assume its proper air. silk shirts with soft collars, and windsor ties, bought by rose-ann, and approved by clive, helped still more.
after all, if the management liked his work, if he was no longer on trial, but an accepted person, privileged to do about as he pleased, why should he maintain his old anxieties and disguises? why try to look like an efficient young business man? nobody wanted him to! why not be comfortable, in a soft collar and homespun clothes? yes, why not?
in this mood, he bought himself a stick, on his own initiative.... he had always wanted to carry a stick, and had never quite dared. his clothes had never been quite up to it. perhaps they were not quite up to it now. but there was nothing dandified about this stick; it was no silver-plated confection, just a simple stick of light bamboo, covered with a shiny black lacquer—a real stick. it suited him; he liked the smooth firm lacquered surface, he liked the feel of it in his hand, lightly swinging, or hanging from the crook of his arm. and rose-ann liked it, too. he felt that it gave him the touch of confidence he had lacked in his new position; with that stick on his arm, he could saunter into the chronicle office at ten o’clock in the morning without a qualm.
2
just after his evening clothes were finished, they were invited casually to one of mr. and mrs. howard morgan’s evenings, and felix was assured by rose-ann that it was an occasion which a dinner coat would appropriately grace; she also remarked that ordinary clothes would be all right. that seemed to make it rather a test of his moral courage, and so he wore his evening clothes....
howard morgan was a poet, one of the few in america for whom felix had any respect. felix had been introduced 164to him once, under rather inauspicious circumstances—one evening when, deep in kalsomine, he was painting a back drop for rose-ann in the little community theatre, which the great man was being shown, in what was apparently a tour of inspection of community house. rose-ann had met him then, too, and, less abashed by her kalsomine-smeared apron and hastily turbaned hair, had talked with him; and he had remembered her, and sent a message by some one in community house to come up to his next “friday evening” and bring her husband.
felix was glad to pay his respects to this distinguished personage, but he was not prepared for the crowd of people who filled the morgans’ drawing-room; he hated crowds. but, after mrs. morgan had introduced him to an elderly and talkative spinster, and then, as he felt, basely deserted him, he was rescued by rose-ann; steered through a whirlpool of encounters—he almost failed to recognize clive bangs in his evening clothes, with that wild lock of hair neatly slicked into its proper place—and brought into the presence of howard morgan himself, who was standing, a tall and impressive figure, with grey hair, a nose like an eagle’s beak, and flashing eyes, in the midst of, as it seemed to felix, swirling tides of people. morgan turned from two women, one very old and the other very young, with whom he was conducting two different conversations at once—a flirtatious one with the aged dame and a very earnest and serious one with the young girl.
“the last time i saw you, you were painting scenery,” he said, smilingly extending his hand.
“yes,” said felix, flushing.
“and now i read your dramatic criticisms in the chronicle,” said howard morgan. “you seem to have a multitude of talents! no wonder you have captured that lovely prize!—she is lovely, isn’t she?” he added, in a tone of man-to-manly confidence, looking after rose-ann, who had floated away in that dress which was like moonlit falling water.
“yes,” said felix, feeling very stupid.
165“do you know mrs. meagham? mr. fay....” and the great man, who had retained felix’s hand in his, pressed it warmly, smiled with his big delicately-carven mouth and his cavernous, flashing eyes, and turned back to resume with instant interest his conversations with the young woman and the old one, not to speak of a third who came up and was welcomed heartily in the midst of a sentence; leaving felix to the mercies of mrs. meagham.
it appeared that mrs. meagham had no wish to detain felix fay; it was the great man, howard morgan, that she wanted to talk to. and felix had no wish to prevent her—none whatever; only he was between her and the great man and he didn’t know how to get out of the way.
how does one leave a lady whom one does not want to talk to, and who obviously enough reciprocates that lack of interest? felix hadn’t the slightest idea.... he ransacked his memory of books—while saying to mrs. meagham that no, he had not lived in chicago long—for something to help him. surely in all the novels he had read there must be something bearing upon this situation! but the only thing he could remember was the desperate device of h. g. wells’ mr. polly, who upon one embarrassing occasion murmured to the young woman something about a “little dog,” and ran out of the house. but then, mr. polly had a bicycle, and he was pretending that he heard a little dog gnawing at the tires. no—that would not do at all. he suddenly felt that h. g. wells was but a poor guide and mentor in the thorny ways of real life. perhaps if he had forced himself to read more of henry james—!
at this stage, when he felt his reason going, rose-ann appeared, radiant and cool, to his rescue. he was so grateful that he forgot to note how she did it.... it had been easy enough, apparently; no such heroic task as it appeared. but then, things like that were easy, to anybody except himself!
and he had not told howard morgan how much he liked—how devoutly he knew by heart—the magnificent “ode in the valley of decision.” no, he had stood there saying, 166“yes,” like a fool, while a great poet paid him compliments! he thought a little the less of howard morgan for those compliments; they were so obviously a product of the occasion, a few out of the hundred he had uttered that night—two or three around to everybody, share and share alike! they were none the less banal because he uttered them with such pretended sincerity and real grace. what madness such a scene was! to think of men and women deliberately inflicting upon themselves such painful mockery of social intercourse! but perhaps it was not painful to them. no, they actually appeared to enjoy it. well—that proved that they were mad! bedlam! and a great poet condemned to go through this rigmarole, so abominable to any person of decent sensitiveness! but perhaps he enjoyed it, too? in truth, he did seem to be enjoying it vastly. then he was no poet, but a sham.... a line of the great ode came into felix’s mind, one of the magnificent lines: he said it over to himself, testing it—and it did sound rather tinny. milton and some base amalgam, not true gold.... an actor, the fellow was, strutting and smirking and kissing ladies’ hands.... still—if it were a thing that had to be done (like wearing evening clothes, for instance) doubtless the more gracefully it was done the better. and howard morgan—it must be conceded—did it superlatively well!... would rose-ann never be ready to go home?
rose-ann, in their room afterward, remarked upon how well howard morgan had “played the host.”
“yes,” said felix. “... i felt utterly lost, myself.”
she turned to him fondly. “you were doing very well, darling. i noticed at the time. it’s just your inexperience that made you feel a trifle ill at ease. with a little more experience, you will be quite as charming as howard morgan. more so, darling!”
3
tell one whom you have caused to be waylaid and tortured by cruel savages, that he has passed through the 167incident very creditably; tell him that with a little more practice he will be able to wear the true martyr’s look of joy! and then kiss him.... yes, and pretend that you love him, that you are the wife of his bosom. ah, serpent! delilah!
that was the way felix felt as he lay sleeplessly at rose-ann’s side that night; but he knew perfectly well why he felt that way. he was just looking for an excuse to get out of taking a little trouble.... of course things like that went hard, at first; so was walking hard to a child who had just begun fearfully to stand upon its two feet; so was breathing hard at first for the new-born infant—did it not greet the world with a cry of pain? yes, life was hard; that was why it was so interesting. it would be dull if one never did anything one was afraid to do.... and why, at the age of twenty-two, should he still find it an agony to meet a roomful of people?... no, confound it, that wasn’t true! there were roomfuls of people he could meet, with pleasure; it was these people—they meant nothing to him, he nothing to them.... or was it just egotism? was it because he was nothing to them, that he resented their presence? was it just the feeling of mother’s little boy who goes out to play and finds that instead of being the young prince, he is only one of a crowd? he remembered his first day in school—the humiliation of suddenly finding himself nobody in particular!... yes, he had gone there that evening as if he alone in the world had ever admired howard morgan—and found himself merely one of dozens. he had hoped to impress the great man by his admiration; and he had found his admiration not at all needed. that was why he was angry at his hero!... and then, too, perhaps a little jealous. as if he had thought, “i could get the same kind of worship if i would condescend to pay for it in the same way you do!” but could he? was he, too, in spite of his protestations to rose-ann, secretly dreaming of greatness? was it because this man dared admit himself a poet, a creator, a somebody, that felix 168fay disliked him?—and what was he doing to realize those dreams? it was all very well to say, “some day!” but—no, his destiny wasn’t just writing silly-clever things for the chronicle. but what was it? rose-ann believed in him. did he believe in himself?
and all this was far enough away from the question at issue: which was very simple—in fact, it resolved itself down to one thing—doing what rose-ann wanted him to do! not because she was his wife; not at all because he loved her; but because she understood life better than he did....
he must never let her know what a baby he was about things like these. what a silly fuss he had been making about nothing at all! he must do what was expected of him: yes, confound it, and if she wanted a house like the morgans’, and crowds of people ... he could see with half-dreaming mind her white shoulders, her eyes, her red-gold hair, gleaming in their midst—why, she should have them!... even if he had to “play the host,” like howard morgan, for her.
... he fell asleep and awoke dreaming that he was a little boy, who was captured by savages and tortured, and who endured it all with a smile for the sake of their queen, a girl with white shoulders and red hair, who had promised to tell him a secret if he was brave. and he said: “i know your secret! you are all the women i have ever known; you are the little girl i was afraid to walk to school with, and you are the girl i played with in the garret and was afraid to go to meet for a farewell kiss, and you are margaret, the girl in the candy-factory that i was afraid to write to, and you are the girl in port royal that i was afraid to ask to marry me.” and she said, “yes, but i have one more secret.” “i know that, too,” he said. “you are life!”
a very literary dream! he wasn’t sure, when he woke up at dawn, but that he had made it up like a story. anyway, he understood it, and he didn’t want to forget it, and he was writing it down hastily on sheets of hotel 169stationery when rose-ann opened her eyes sleepily at eight o’clock.... she opened her eyes sleepily, but sleep vanished when she saw what he was doing, and she sat up eagerly in bed.
“oh!” she cried, looking as though an expected, long-awaited miracle had happened at last.
“what?” he asked, startled.
“you’re writing again!—writing, i mean, for yourself....”
“well, what of it?” he said crossly.
“nothing,” she said. “only—i knew you would!”
