when grief and shock surpass endurance there occur phases of exhaustion, of anesthesia in which relatively little is left and one has the illusion of recognizing, and understanding, a good deal. throughout these days mary had, during these breathing spells, drawn a kind of solace from the recurrent thought: at least i am enduring it. i am aware of what has happened, i am meeting it face to face, i am living through it. there had been, even, a kind of pride, a desolate kind of pleasure, in the feeling: i am carrying a heavier weight than i could have dreamed it possible for a human being to carry, yet i am living through it. it had of course occurred to her that this happens to many people, that it is very common, and she humbled and comforted herself in this thought. she thought: this is simply what living is; i never realized before what it is. she thought: now i am more nearly a grown member of the human race; bearing children, which had seemed so much, was just so much apprenticeship. she thought that she had never before had a chance to realize the strength that human beings have, to endure; she loved and revered all those who had ever suffered, even those who had failed to endure. she thought that she had never before had a chance to realize the might, grimness and tenderness of god. she thought that now for the first time she began to know herself, and she gained extraordinary hope in this beginning of knowledge. she thought that she had grown up almost overnight. she thought that she had realized all that was in her soul to realize in the event, and when at length the time came to put on her veil, leave the bedroom she had shared with her husband, leave their home, and go down to see him for the first time since his death and to see the long day through, which would cover him out of sight for the duration of this world, she thought that she was firm and ready. she had refused to “try on” her veil; the mere thought of approving or disapproving it before a mirror was obscene; so now when she came to the mirror and drew it down across her face to go, she saw herself for the first time since her husband’s death. without either desiring to see her face, or caring how it looked, she saw that it had changed; through the deep, clear veil her gray eyes watched her gray eyes watch her through the deep, clear veil. i must have fever, she thought, startled by their brightness; and turned away. it was when she came to the door, to walk through it, to leave this room and to leave this shape of existence forever, that realization poured upon and overwhelmed her through which, in retrospect, she would one day know that all that had gone before, all that she had thought she experienced and knew—true, more or less, though it all was—was nothing to this. the realization came without shape or definability, save as it was focused in the pure physical act of leaving the room, but came with such force, such monstrous piercing weight, in all her heart and soul and mind and body but above all in the womb, where it arrived and dwelt like a cold and prodigious, spreading stone, that she groaned almost inaudibly, almost a mere silent breath, an ohhhhhhh, and doubled deeply over, hands to her belly, and her knee joints melted.
hannah, smaller than she, caught her, and rapped out, “close that door!” it would be a long time before either of the women realized their resentment of the priest and their contempt for him, and their compassion, for staying in the room. now they did not even know that he was there. hannah helped her to the edge of the bed and sat beside her exclaiming over and over, in a heartbroken voice, “mary, mary, mary, mary. oh mary, mary, mary,” resting one already translucent, spinster’s hand lightly upon the back of her veiled head, and with the other, so clenching one of mary’s wrists that she left a bracelet of bruise.
mary meanwhile rocked quietly backward and forward, and from side to side, groaning, quietly, from the depths of her body, not like a human creature but a fatally hurt animal; sounds low, almost crooned, not strident, but shapeless and orderless, the sisters, except in their quietude, to those transcendent, idiot, bellowing screams which deliver children. and as she rocked and groaned, the realization gradually lost its fullest, most impaling concentration: there took shape, from its utter darkness, like the slow emergence of the countryside into first daylight, all those separate realizations which could be resolved into images, emotions, thought, words, obligations: so that after not more than a couple of minutes, during which hannah never ceased to say to her, “mary, mary,” and father jackson, his eyes closed, prayed, she sat still for a moment, then got quietly onto her knees, was silent for not more than a moment more, made the sign of the cross, stood up, and said, “i’m ready now.”
but she swayed; hannah said, “rest, mary. there’s no hurry,” and father jackson said, “perhaps you should lie down a little while”; but she said, “no; thank you; i want to go now,” and walked unsteadily to the door, and opened it, and walked through.
father jackson took her arm, in the top hallway. although she tried not to, she leaned on him very heavily.
“come, now,” their mother whispered, and, taking them each by the hand, led them through the green room and into the living room.
there it was, against the fireplace, and there seemed to be scarcely anything else in the room except the sunny light on the floor.
it was very long and dark; smooth like a boat; with bright handles. half the top was open. there was a strange, sweet smell, so faint that it could scarcely be realized.
rufus had never known such stillness. their little sounds, as they approached his father, vanished upon it like the infinitesimal whisperings of snow, falling on open water.
there was his head, his arms; suit: there he was.
rufus had never seen him so indifferent; and the instant he saw him, he knew that he would never see him otherwise. he had his look of faint impatience, the chin strained a little upward, as if he were concealing his objection to a collar which was too tight and too formal. and in this slight urgency of the chin; in the small trendings of a frown which stayed in the skin; in the arch of the nose; and in the still, strong mouth, there was a look of pride. but most of all, there was indifference; and through this indifference which held him in every particle of his being—an indifference which would have rejected them; have sent them away, except that it was too indifferent even to care whether they went or stayed—in this self-completedness which nothing could touch, there was something else, some other feeling which he gave, which there was no identifying even by feeling, for rufus had never experienced this feeling before; there was perfected beauty. the head, the hand, dwelt in completion, immutable, indestructible motionless. they moved upon existence quietly as stones which withdraw through water for which there is no floor.
the arm was bent. out of the dark suit, the starched cuff, sprang the hairy wrist.
the wrist was angled; the hand was arched; none of the fingers touched each other.
the hand was so composed that it seemed at once casual and majestic. it stood exactly above the center of his body.
the fingers looked unusually clean and dry, as if they had been scrubbed with great care.
the hand looked very strong, and the veins were strong in it.
the nostrils were very dark, yet he thought he could see in one of them, something which looked like cotton.
on the lower lip, a trifle to the left of its middle, there was a small blue line which ran also a little below the lip.
at the exact point of the chin, there was another small blue mark, as straight and neat as might be drawn with a pencil, and scarcely wider.
the lines which formed the wings of the nose and the mouth were almost gone.
the hair was most carefully brushed.
the eyes were casually and quietly closed, the eyelids were like silk on the balls, and when rufus glanced quickly from the eyes to the mouth it seemed as if his father were almost about to smile. yet the mouth carried no suggestion either of smiling or of gravity; only strength, silence, manhood, and indifferent contentment.
he saw him much more clearly than he had ever seen him before; yet his face looked unreal, as if he had just been shaved by a barber. the whole head was waxen, and the hand, too, was as if perfectly made of wax.
the head was lifted on a small white satin pillow.
there was the subtle, curious odor, like fresh hay, and like a hospital, but not quite like either, and so faint that it was scarcely possible to be sure that it existed.
rufus saw these things within a few seconds, and became aware that his mother was picking catherine up in order that she might see more clearly; he drew a little aside. out of the end of his eye he was faintly aware of his sister’s rosy face and he could hear her gentle breathing as he continued to stare at his father, at his stillness, and his power, and his beauty.
he could see the tiny dark point of every shaven hair of the beard.
he watched the way the flesh was chiseled in a widening trough from the root of the nose to the white edge of the lip.
he watched the still more delicate dent beneath the lower lip.
it became strange, and restive, that it was possible for anyone to lie so still for so long; yet he knew that his father would never move again; yet this knowledge made his motionlessness no less strange.
within him, and outside him, everything except his father was dry, light, unreal, and touched with a kind of warmth and impulse and a kind of sweetness which felt like the beating of a heart. but borne within this strange and unreal sweetness, its center yet alien in nature from all the rest, and as nothing else was actual, his father lay graven, whose noble hand he longed, in shyness, to touch.
“now, rufus,” his mother whispered; they knelt. he could just see over the edge of the coffin. he gazed at the perfect hand.
his mother’s arm came round him; he felt her hand on the crest of his shoulder. he slid his arm around her and felt her hand become alive on his shoulder and felt his sister’s arm. he touched her bare arm tenderly, and felt her hand grapple for and take his arm. he put his hand around her arm and felt how little it was. he could feel a vein beating against the bone, just below her armpit.
“our father,” she said.
they joined her, catherine waiting for those words of which she was sure, rufus lowering his voice almost to silence while she hesitated, trying to give her the words distinctly. their mother spoke very gently.
“our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come, thy—”
“thy will be d ...” rufus went on, alone; then waited, disconcerted.
“thy will be done,” his mother said. “on earth,” she continued, with some strange shading of the word which touched him with awe and sadness; “as it is in heaven.”
“give us this d ...”
rufus was more careful this time.
“daily bread,” catherine said confidently.
“give us this day our daily bread,” and in those words still more, he felt that his mother meant something quite otherwise, “and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
“and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil,” and here their mother left her hands where they dwelt with her children, but bowed her head:
“for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory,” she said with almost vindictive certitude, “forever and ever. amen.”
she was silent for some moments, and still he stared at the hand.
“god, bless us and help us all,” she said. “god, help us to understand thee. god, help us to know thy will. god, help us to put all our trust in thee, whether we can understand or not.
“god, help these little children to remember their father in all his goodness and strength and kindness and dearness, and in all of his tremendous love for them. god, help them ever to be all that was good and fine and brave in him, all that he would most have loved to see them grow up to be, if thou in thy great wisdom had thought best to spare him. god, let us be able to feel, to know, he can still see us as we grow, as we live, that he is still with us; that he is not deprived of his children and all he had hoped for them and loved them for; nor they of him. nor they of him.
“god, make us to know he is still with us, still loves us, cares what comes to us, what we do, what we are; so much. o, god ...”
she spoke these words sharply, and said no more; and rufus felt that she was looking at his father, but he did not move his eyes, and felt that he should not know what he was sure of. after a few moments he heard the motions of her lips as softly again as that falling silence in which the whole world snowed, and he turned his eyes from the hand and looked towards his father’s face and, seeing the blue-dented chin thrust upward, and the way the flesh was sunken behind the bones of the jaw, first recognized in its specific weight the word, dead. he looked quickly away, and solemn wonder tolled in him like the shuddering of a prodigious bell, and he heard his mother’s snowy lips with wonder and with a desire that she should never suffer sorrow, and gazed once again at the hand, whose casual majesty was unaltered. he wished more sharply even than before that he might touch it, but whereas before he had wondered whether he might, if he could find a way to be alone, with no one to see or ever know, now he was sure that he must not. he therefore watched it all the more studiously, trying to bring all of his touch into all that he could see; but he could not bring much. he realized that his mother’s hand was without feeling or meaning on his shoulder. he felt how sweaty his hand, and his sister’s arm, had become, and changed his hand, and clasped her gently but without sympathy, and felt her hand tighten, and felt gentle towards her because she was too little to understand. the hand became, for a few moments, a mere object, and he could just hear his mother’s breath repeating, “good-bye, jay, good-bye. goodbye. good-bye. good-bye, my jay, my husband. oh, goodbye. good-bye.”
then he heard nothing and was aware of nothing except the hand, which was an object; and felt a strong downward clasping pressure upon his skull, and heard a quiet but rich voice.
his mother was not—yes, he could see her skirts, out behind to the side; and catherine, and a great hand on her head too, and her silent and astounded face. and between them, a little behind them, black polished shoes and black, sharply pressed trouser legs, without cuffs.
“hail mary, full of grace,” the voice said; and his mother joined; “the lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, jesus.
“holy mary, mother of god, pray for us sinners, now, and in the hour of our death. amen.”
“our father, who art in heaven,” the voice said; and the children joined; “hallowed be thy name,” but in their mother’s uncertainty, they stopped, and the voice went on: “thy kingdom come, thy will be done,” said the voice, with particular warmth, “on earth as it is in heaven. give us this day our daily bread. and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” everything had been taken off the mantelpiece. “and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,” and with this his hand left rufus’ head and he crossed himself, immediately restoring the hand, “for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. amen.”
he was silent for a moment. twisting a little under the hard hand, rufus glanced upward. the priest’s jaw was hard, his face was earnest, his eyes were tightly shut.
“o lord, cherish and protect these innocent, orphaned children,” he said, his eyes shut. then we are! rufus thought, and knew that he was very bad. “guard them in all temptations which life may bring. that when they come to understand this thing which in thy inscrutable wisdom thou hast brought to pass, they may know and reverence thy will. god, we beseech thee that they may ever be the children, the boy and girl, the man and woman, which this good man would have desired them to be. let them never discredit his memory, o lord. and lord, by thy mercy may they come quickly and soon to know the true and all-loving father whom they have in thee. let them seek thee out the more, in their troubles and in their joys, as they would have sought their good earthly father, had he been spared them. let them ever be, by thy great mercy, true christian catholic children. amen.”
some of the tiles of the hearth which peeped from beneath the coffin stand, those at the border, were a grayish blue. all the others were streaked and angry, reddish yellow.
the voice altered, and said delicately: “the peace of god, which passeth all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in the knowledge and love of god, and of his son jesus christ our lord”: his hand again lifted from rufus’ head, and he drew a great cross above each of them as he said, “and the blessing of god almighty, the father, the son, and the holy ghost, be amongst you, and remain with you always.”
“amen,” their mother said.
the priest touched his shoulder, and rufus stood up. catherine stood up. their father had not, of course not, rufus thought, he had not moved, but he looked to have changed. although he lay in such calm and beauty, and grandeur, it looked to rufus as if he had been flung down and left on the street, and as if he were a very successfully disguised stranger. he felt a pang of distress and of disbelief and was about to lean to look more closely, when he felt a light hand on his head, his mother’s, he knew, and heard her say, “now children”; and they were conveyed to the hall door.
the piano, he saw, was shut.
“now mother wants to stay just a minute or two,” she told them. “she’ll be with you directly. so you go straight into the east room, with aunt hannah, and wait for me.”
she touched their faces, and noiselessly closed the door.
crossing to the east room they became aware that they were not alone in the dark hall. andrew stood by the hat rack, holding to the banister, and his rigid, weeping eyes, shining with fury, struck to the roots of their souls like ice, so that they hastened into the room where their great-aunt sat in an unmoving rocking chair with her hands in her lap, the sunless light glazing her lenses, frostlike upon her hair.
they heard feet on the front stairs, and knew it was their grandfather. they heard him turn to go down the hall and then they heard his subdued, surprised voice: “andrew? where’s poll?”
and their uncle’s voice, cold, close to his ear: “in—there—with—father—jackson.”
“unh!” they heard their grandfather growl. their aunt hannah hurried towards the door.
“praying.”
“unh!” he growled again.
their aunt hannah quickly closed the door, and hurried back to her chair.
but much as she had hurried, all that she did after she got back to her chair was to sit with her hands in her lap and stare straight ahead of her through her heavy lenses, and all that they could do was to sit quietly too, and look at the clean lace curtains at the window, and at the magnolia tree and the locust tree in the yard, and at the wall of the next house, and at a heavy robin which fed along the lawn, until he flew away, and at the people who now and then moved past along the sunny sidewalk, and at the buggies and automobiles which now and then moved along the sunny street. they felt mysteriously immaculate, strange and careful in their clean clothes, and it seemed as if the house were in shadow and were walking on tiptoe in the middle of an easy, sunny world. when they tired of looking at these things, they looked at their aunt hannah, but she did not appear to realize that they were looking at her; and when there was no response from their aunt hannah they looked at each other. but it had never given them any pleasure or interest to look at each other and it gave them none today. each could only see that the other was much too clean, and each realized, through that the more acutely, that he himself was much too clean, and that something was wrong which required of each of them such careful conduct, and particularly good manners, that there was really nothing imaginable that might be proper to do except to sit still. but though sitting so still, with nothing to fix their attention upon except each other, they saw each other perhaps more clearly than at any time before; and each felt uneasiness and shyness over what he saw. rufus saw a much littler child than he was, with a puzzled, round, red face which looked angry, and he was somewhat sorry for her in the bewilderment and loneliness he felt she was lost in, but more, he was annoyed by this look of shut-in anger and this look of incomprehension and he thought over and over: “dead. he’s dead. that’s what he is; he’s dead”; and the room where his father lay felt like a boundless hollowness in the house and in his own being, as if he stood in the dark near the edge of an abyss and could feel that droop of space in the darkness; and watching his sister’s face he could see his father’s almost as clearly, as he had just seen it, and said to himself, over and over: “dead. dead”; and looked with uneasiness and displeasure at his sister’s face, which was so different, so flushed and busy, so angry, and so uncomprehending. and catherine saw him stuck down there in the long box like a huge mute doll, who would not smile or stir, and smelled sweet and frightening, and because of whom she sat alone and stiffly and too clean, and nobody was kind or attentive, and everything went on tiptoe, and with her mother’s willingness a man she feared and hated put his great hand on her head and spoke incomprehensibly. something very wrong was being done, and nobody seemed to care or to tell her what or to help her or love her or protect her from it and there was her too-clean brother, who always thought he was so smart, looking at her with dislike and contempt.
so after gazing coldly at each other for a little while, they once more looked into the side yard and down into the street and tried to interest themselves in what they saw, and to forget the thing which so powerfully pervaded their thoughts, and to subdue their physical restiveness in order that they should not be disapproved; and tiring of these, would look over once more at their aunt, who was as- aloof almost as their father; and uneased by that, would look once more into each other’s eyes; and so again to the yard and the street, upon which the sunlight moved slowly. and there they saw an automobile draw up and mr. starr got quickly out of it and walked slowly up towards the house.
