?he that commends me to mine own content,
commends me to the thing i cannot get.
i to the world am like a drop of water,
that in the ocean seeks another drop;
who, falling there to find his fellow forth,
unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself.
?? ?? ?? comedy of errors.
three eventful years have passed, and a general peace is giving rest to exhausted europe. the war has cut off many a brave man; but it remained for peace to terminate the military career of a rising soldier in l'isle's person; and sad to say, before he was either major general or knight of the bath; though sought in many a dangerous path, he had not found his golden spurs.
regiments have been disbanded, his comrades are scattered, and he himself has nothing to do, not even the poor resource of having to study economy on half-pay, or of looking for more additional means to eke out a living.
it is the curse of those entirely engrossing pursuits, which excite all our enthusiasm, and task every energy, and of which the statesman's and the soldier's callings are the best examples, that, when they fail us, we can find no substitute. all things else are, by comparison, stale, flat, and unprofitable. can the brandy drinker cheer himself with draughts of small beer? screw up his nervous energies to their accustomed tone with slops?
tired to death of fox-hunting, pleasant shooting, and country neighbors; all the means of excitement around him exhausted, l'isle lounged in the library at c——d hall, with half a dozen open but discarded volumes before him, revolving in his mind all possible means of occupation. at one time he would resolve to travel the world over, and get up a personal narrative, attractive as that of humboldt, and views of nature, that should look through nature's surface to the recognition of nature's god, whom the philosopher seems never to have found in all his works. at another time, in order more effectively to counteract the ill effects, on mind and habits, of the soldier's exciting and unsettled life, he resolves to subject himself to still severer regimen: not to go rambling about the world, an idling philosopher, but to tie himself down to one spot, and take violently to a course of high farming; grow the largest turnips, breed the fattest south-downs, and the heaviest devonshires, and carry off agricultural prizes as substitutes for additional waterloo medals.
but this was too severe a contrast to his late mode of life, and the prospect soon disgusted him utterly. having strong influence to back him, he now thought of getting a seat in parliament, and for a moment the prophetic cries of 'hear! hear!' arose from both sides of a full house of commons. but he knew that the occasion, even more than the man, makes the orator; and in 'this weak piping time of peace,' these cost-counting, debt-paying days, he foresaw no occasion that could call forth the thunders of demosthenes or burke.—but although a new light shines in upon him, and he suddenly makes up his mind that, since he can no longer take the field, because all the world is tired of fighting, and yet more of paying the bills run up in that expensive diversion, he will write the narrative of the campaigns in which he had taken part, without letting the 'quorum pars magna fui' fill too large a place in the picture.—where can he find so much of the materials needed in the construction of his work as in london? so to london he went.
the season was at its height, and the town was full. l'isle's object required that he should not only examine many musty papers, but see many persons; as some of his gayer friends soon found him out, and induced him to look in upon the inner circles of london fashionable life, to which his early and long absence from england had kept him a stranger.
it so happened that lord strathern had come up from his moors, where the winter had got too cold for him (the climate had changed much since he was a boy), to visit the clubs and meet old comrades. but these proved too much for the old veteran, who soon had to shut himself up, in order to stave off an attack of his old enemy, the gout. he would not, however, permit lady mabel to stand the siege with him. the consequence was, that not long after l'isle had come up to london, he found himself in one of lady d——'s thronged rooms, within four steps of lady mabel.
in three years she had become, if we may be pardoned the bull, more like herself than ever, for she was now all that she had promised to be. she shone out in a richer and riper beauty, and a more sedate and womanly deportment set it off, retaining not the least trace of that somewhat cavalier manner she had picked up in the brigade. she was more than three years wiser, and certainly more dangerous than ever.
l'isle had long and studiously schooled himself to the conviction that his fair and fascinating companion in elvas was, after all, but a heartless woman. yet his vanity, to say nothing of any other feeling, had never quite gotten over the rude shock it had received on mrs. shortridge's great night there. his first thought was to withdraw from the dangerous neighborhood. but he blushed at his own cowardice; and the moment after, having caught her eye, he, self-confident, made his way through the crowd, and greeted her politely as an old acquaintance. it was plain that she was a little nervous on his approach; her lips were compressed for a moment, and she drew more than one deep breath, while watching him closely, and carefully modeling her manner by his. yet no stranger could have inferred, from word or look, that they had not met for years, still less that they had ever met on terms of intimacy. if l'isle needlessly prolonged the conversation, to the annoyance of the gentlemen at her elbow, his sole object was to prove to her, beyond the possibility of doubt, by his easy self-possession, that he had now, at least, attained to a sublime indifference where she was concerned.
the ice once broken, accident seemed to throw them frequently into the same company. l'isle doubtless needed relaxation from his historical labors; and a london season had at least the attraction of novelty for him. he was, too, just the man to win friends among the ladies; yet he still made it a point, whenever he met lady mabel, to bestow on her a few minutes cold attention and indifferent notice, for old acquaintance sake.
lady mabel stood in no need of these attentions. it was not her first season; and many a butterfly, that hovered about that garden which blooms in winter at the west-end, had hailed with delight the reappearance of this rare flower. and she liked to have them buzzing about her; it was her due, and yielded pleasant pastime. yet while busiest dealing sentiment, jest, and repartee among them, she now had always an ear and a word for l'isle, when he condescended to bestow a few minutes cold consideration on her.
her gentlemen in waiting wondered at her having so much to say to l'isle. she seemed to be under an obligation to be at leisure for him; and sir charles moreton, who was argus-eyed where lady mabel was concerned, ventured to ask: "what pleasure can you find in talking to this austere soldier? his smile is a sneer; he warms only to grow caustic, and his cynical air betrays how little he cares even for you."
"were you ever clogged with sweet things?" asked lady mabel. "at times i tire of bonbons, and long for vinegar, salt and pepper. my austere friend deals in these articles."
she seemed to have found a special use for him, treating him as a complete thinking machine, of high powers of observation, inflection, thought and reason, but not susceptible of aught that savored of feeling, sentiment or passion. she quietly threw the mantle of mentor over his shoulders, deferred to his judgment, had recourse to him as a store-house of knowledge; and seemed so fully impressed with the fact that he had a head, as utterly to forget the probability of his having a heart. with a strange perversity, l'isle was at once flattered and annoyed at the use she made of him. it was an unequal game he was playing, like a moth fluttering round a candle. his temper began to be worn threadbare, and oftener than ever he repeated to himself, "she is a heartless woman!"
in this mood l'isle was listening, with a curled lip, to an animated discussion between lady mabel, sir charles moreton, and another gentleman, as to the merits of a new actress, a dramatic meteor, then briefly eminent on the london boards. the honorable mr. l——, who was a savant in the small sciences that cater to amusement, pronounced her the siddons of the day; lady mabel called her a ranter, then, as if alarmed at her temerity, appealed as usual to l'isle.
"no one can be a better judge of acting than lady mabel," said l'isle. "but for her opinion, i would call your favorite an indifferently good actress."
thus to "damn with faint praise," displeased mr. l—— more than positive censure, and he exclaimed: "then you never saw her play jane shore. the illusion is perfect. the house is deceived into forgetting the drama, to witness the living and dying agonies of the desolate penitent. who can equal her?"
"many," answered l'isle; "and lady mabel can do better."
"lady mabel! she doubtless excels in everything. but i never saw her act."
"i have," said l'isle bitterly. "the illusion of mrs. ——'s acting is limited to the spectators. lady mabel deceives him who acts with her."
lady mabel turned pale, and then red, while the two gentlemen stared at her and l'isle alternately. suddenly exclaiming, "there is my friend, mrs. b——. i have not seen her for a month. i must go and speak to her," she accepted the arm of the savant in small things, and hastened after her friend, who had appeared so opportunely.
"you set little value on lady mabel's favors," said sir charles, looking inquisitively at l'isle. "you have certainly offended her greatly."
"do you think so?" said l'isle coldly. "then i suppose i must apologize and beg my peace."
"if you do it successfully," said his companion, "i will be glad of a lesson from you in the art."
l'isle was angry with himself. not that he felt that he owed lady mabel any amends. but he had never until now made the slightest allusion to certain scenes in the past. pride had forbidden it. and he was still reproaching himself with his want of self-control, when, on entering another room, he saw lady mabel seated between two old ladies, having ensconced herself there to get rid of the small savant.
she no longer looked discomposed or angry, nor did she turn her eyes away on his approach. she almost seemed to wish to speak to him. so he offered his arm, and they walked toward the room he had just left.
"i know that you are too proud," she said, "to ask any pardon for the attack you made on me just now. so i wish to tell you that i have already forgiven it."
"that is truly generous," said l'isle, with haughty irony. "you prove the adage false which says, 'the injurer never forgives.'"
"say you so? i see then that you have gone back years to dig up old offences. although i remember, to repent of them, i trusted that you would have willingly forgiven and forgot my folly, or only recall it to laugh at it. i know now," she said, stealing a look at him, "that you are of an unforgetting, unforgiving temper." then looking away, she added, "i thought better of you once."
"there are some things," answered l'isle, but in a softened tone, "not to be forgotten, nor easily forgiven."
"i assure you," said lady mabel, with the air of a penitent, "i have been terribly ashamed of myself ever since. had i known that you still viewed my thoughtless conduct as a serious wrong to you, i would willingly have made you any apology, any reparation."
"apologies would hardly reach the evil," said l'isle. "but any reparation! that is a broad term."
"any, i mean, that you ought to ask, or i to make."
"there would be no absolute impropriety in my asking a good deal," said l'isle, in tones that reminded lady mabel of some witching moments in elvas, "i will not make the blunder of asking too little," he added resolutely. "let me first ask when you will be at home to-morrow—at three?"
"certainly at three; more certainly at two," she answered in a low tone.
"and most certainly at one," said he joyously. "i like your superlative degree of comparison."
"i only meant," she said, yet more confused, "that i am more likely to be at home alone at two." and turning quickly away, she took a vacant seat beside one of her friends, to whom, while fanning herself, she complained of the heated room. she seemed, indeed, quite overcome by it, which accounted for her labored breathing and heightened color.
"after all," said lady mabel, some days after the morning on which l'isle found her at home alone, "i was neither so good an actress, nor so great a hypocrite as you took me for. my offence was not so much that i simulated, as that i ceased to dissemble."
l'isle readily embraced the faith that she was no actress but a true woman, nor did he ever waver from it. but she did not always find so easy a convert. old moodie, true to his nature, baffled all her efforts to convince him of his errors. it is true that he became in time, somewhat reconciled to l'isle, but to his dying day he continued to laud that special providence, which had snatched lady mabel from the land of idolatry, at the very last moment before her perversion to rome.
lady mabel was not the woman to forget old friends; and now, that she could recur with pleasure to her recollections of elvas, she sought out that companion who had so amiably filled the part of duenna and chaperon. she and mrs. shortridge fought all their battles over again, by retracing, step by step, varied excursions and toilsome journey, while enjoying all the comforts of an english home. but it never does to tell all that we do, still less, to lay open the spirit in which we do it. lady mabel never let mrs. shortridge fully into the secret history of the last dark treacherous scene in the episode in winter quarters.
lord strathern was much pleased to find that l'isle had greatly modified his opinion, as to the mechanical nature of an army, and hoped in time to dispel certain other erroneous notions, to which he had formerly clung so stubbornly. it is not known whether or not l'isle ever finished his narrative of the peninsular campaigns. it is certain that he never published it. the author often labors harder than the ploughman; and when a man is made happy, he becomes lazy. let the wretched toil to mend his lot, or to forget it.
