sep. 19, 1900.
that night, in a kind of rapturous peace, i faced the new hope. even then, in that august hour, i reflected whether i could, with my broken life and faded dreams, link a spirit so fair to mine. i can truthfully say that i was full to the brim of the intensest gratitude, the tenderest service; but i thought was it just, was it right, with little or nothing to offer, to seek to make so large a claim upon so beautiful a soul? i did not doubt that i could win it, and that love would be lavished in fullest measure to me. but i strove with all my might to see whether such a hope was not on my part a piece of supreme and shameful selfishness. i probed the very depths of my being, and decided that i might dare; that god had given me this precious, this adorable gift, and that i might consecrate my life and heart to love and be worthy of it if i could.
so i sank to sleep, and woke to the shock of a rapture such as i did not believe this world[242] could hold. it was a still warm day of late summer, but a diviner radiance lay over garden, field, and wood for me. i determined i would not speak to my mother till after i had received my answer.
after breakfast i went out to the garden—the flowers seemed to smile and nod their heads at me, leaning with a kind of tender brilliance to greet me; in a thick bush i heard the flute-notes of my favourite thrush—the brisk chirruping of the sparrows came from the ivied gable.
what was it?... what was the strange, rending, numbing shock that ran so suddenly through me, making me in a moment doubtful, as it seemed, even of my own identity—again it came—again. i raised my eyes, it seemed as if i had never seen the garden, the house, the trees before. then came a pang of such grim horror that i felt as though stabbed with a sword. i seemed, if that is possible, almost to smell and taste pain. i staggered a few steps back to the garden entrance—i remember crying out faintly, and my voice seemed strange to me—there was a face at the door—and then a blackness closed round me and i knew no more.
