“'if in real life's chapter you e'er tind a blank,
?tis yourself and you only you justly can thank;
for to him who is willing—there's no need to stand,
since enough may be found 'twixt mile end and the strand
to instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite,
to deplore, to respect, to regret or delight.”
“'tis in london where unceasing novelty grows,
always fresh—and in bloom like the opening rose;
but if to the rose we its sweetness compare,
“fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there;
and if to avoid the latter you're prone,
?tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known.”
[255] the arrival at piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeable to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at the breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearance of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasions afforded them so much pleasure and information. this was no other than sparkle.
“my dear boy,” said the hon. tom dashall, “you are welcome to the scene of former gratifications. how is your better half, and all friends in the country—any increase in the family? why you look as healthy as hygeia, and as steady as old time.”
“i confess,” replied sparkle, “you ask so many questions upon important subjects in one breath, that i am quite deficient of wind to answer them seriatim. you must therefore take an answer in two words—all's right.”
“enough,” replied tom, “then i am content; but how, what,—are you in town alone?”
“you shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. i am glad to meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which i doubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. glad to see you both in good health and tip-top spirits. i have only come to pass a fortnight with you; and as i intend to make the utmost use of every minute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be better employed in useful deeds.”
[256] “useful deeds,” re-echoed tom, “useful deeds—that savours of reflection. i thought you were fully aware it is an article considered of little value in the labyrinths of london; but since you are become, as i may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects upon which you propose to practise your utility?”
“still the same i find, tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like a hit, and i suppose you now think you have a palpable one. never mind, i am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery of your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in plain words, i expect to be a happy father in about another month.”
“o ho!” said tom, “then you are really a useful member of society, and i suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a little more useful information and instruction how to perform the part of papa.”
“nay,” replied sparkle, “i could hardly expect to obtain such from you. i must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions—but joking apart, how are you devoted?”
“to you,” replied tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to their society.
“then,” continued sparkle, “lend me all the assistance in your power. when did you see our old friend merrywell!”
“the last time i saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and taking lessons from its professors in the priory.”
“we must find him,” replied sparkle; “so if you are not engaged, come along, and i will relate the circumstances which induce this search as we proceed.”
to this proposal tom and bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on their way towards abbot's park.
[257] “you must know,” said sparkle, “that merry well's uncle in the country having received some information upon the subject of his confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since his release withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow has been without supplies for some time past, and i am at a loss to conjecture by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. his uncle, however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little chance of recovery; and as i apprehend there is but little time to spare, i intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and may otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but little or no regard while living.”
“the object in view is a good one,” said dashall, “and i sincerely hope we shall succeed in our endeavours.”
passing down st. james's-street, sparkle was quickly recognized by many of his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return to the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark; and invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were fleeting away: for the present, however, all engagements were declined, till the principal object of his journey to london should be accomplished; and after inquiries about old friends, and observations upon the passing occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on their way. westminster bridge was the precise line of direction for them to pursue, and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at the foot of it, before they discovered merrywell bustling along in an opposite direction: he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass without recognition or acknowledgment, when sparkle turning close upon him, gave him a hearty tap on the shoulder, which made him as it were involuntarily turn his head.
“well met,” said sparkle, “i want you.”
“at whose suit. sir?” was the immediate inquiry.
“to suit yourself,” was a reply as quickly given.
“zounds!” said merrywell, “i had little idea of being tapped on the shoulder by an old friend—but are you indeed in earnest?”
“certainly i am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched for bail, i think i have two friends with me who will do the needful;” introducing tom and bob.
“i see how it is,” continued merrywell, “and have no objection to a joke; but i can't bear to have it carried too far.—how d'ye do, how d'ye do—can't stop—in a devil of a hurry—full of business.”
[258] “zounds!” said tom, “you are almost as bad as the man who having married a wife could not come; but if i may be so bold, whither away so fast?”
“to westminster hall—the sessions is on—must go—law is like the tide, it stays for none—adieu.”
“we cannot part thus,” said sparkle, “i have come some miles in search of you, and cannot afford to be played with now.”
“then accompany me to westminster hall, and i will be at your service.”
“if not,” replied sparkle, “i shall enter a special detainer against you—so come along.”
they now entered westminster hall, where merry well having disposed of some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory to a cause coming on;
“there,” continued he, unow i am at your service.”
“then tell me,” said sparkle, “what you are at.”
“first,” inquired merry well, “let me know what is your object in asking such a question.”
this being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there was for his leaving town without delay—
“now,” said he, “i am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances which have befallen me since i saw you last.”
“come then,” said dashall, “we will proceed to piccadilly, spend a comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the white horse cellar at eight o'clock.”
“with all my heart,” was the reply. “well, now you must understand, i am a sort of dabbler in professions. i was liberated from the high wall of the priory by the insolvent debtor's act; and since the unfortunate representation to the old boy, which deprived me of the needful supplies, i have tried my hand in three different ways.”
“and which are they?”
“love, law, and literature,” continued merry well.
“a very pretty combination,” said dashall, “and are you able to make them blend comfortably together?”
[259] “nothing more easy in the world. in the first place, a lady has taken a fancy to me, which fancy i am willing to indulge; in return for which she provides me with every indulgence.—i profess to be principal in the office of a” lawyer of established practice, who suffers me to share in the profits of such business as i can obtain. in the way of literature i have as yet done but little, though i am encouraged to hope much, from the success of others. indeed i am told, if i can but write libels for john bull, i may make a rapid fortune.”
“and when so made,” said sparkle, “i shall wish you well with it; but i think the speculation i have already named much more likely to turn out equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the pursuit of either of those you have mentioned.”
“there i agree perfectly with you; and if i can make all right with the old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know i always liked independence, and if i could not get a fortune ready made, i had a desire to be the architect of one i should raise for myself.”
“why i know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius.”
“yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. why man, i happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which i ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined to make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character of being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line in the three kingdoms. away i posted, full of hope and expectation of becoming a second caleb quotem, not doubting but salary and circumstances would turn out exactly to my wish.”
“but i thought you liked independence,” said tallyho.
“rather too much to engage in that concern,” was the reply, “as you will hear presently. upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon finding 'purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door.”
dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined by sparkle and tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result of merrywell's account.
“when i arrived,” continued merry well, “this patron was reading the newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having mistaken me for a customer.”
[260] “survaut, sir,” said he, pulling down his greasy waist-coat.—“i am come, sir,” said i, “to make some inquiry concerning a vacant school-master-ship.”—“oh there again,” resumed the sausage-making churchwarden,—“vy you are the seventeenth fellow that has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. how do you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother representative of this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading bouts. now if so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the dominy. but, mind you, i don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse—she knows things quite as well as i do,—she vants a great deal of action, so only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion for my spouse, that's the vay to win; but i haven't any time to talk to you now, you must call of an evening, when i am more at leisure, and then i'll explain; so move off now, sir, move off, for i sees a customer coming—survant maum.”—“flesh and blood could bear no more, and so”———“so what,” said sparkle; “did you knock him down in the midst of his own sausages?”
“no, no, i knew too much of the law for that; but i cut the churchwarden, and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace law, physic, or divinity, in preference to cutting
“————— the rumps
of little school-boy jackies.”
“the study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during my residence in the college i was under the necessity of devoting some part of my time to, though i felt no great partiality for it; and you know law is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid, provided always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. it is also like physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are glad when they get out of it.”
[261] “i believe that sincerely,” cried the hon. tom dashall; “for i think there are instances enough in which law has nothing at all to do with justice."{1}
1 this remark of the hon. tom dashall is admirably
illustrated by the following statement:—
twelve people in one bail bond fob ten pounds.—there
are very few instances of delinquency which we have
stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair
practitioner, because they know such transactions are
possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which
they are committed, mixed with some regret that the
profession is so contaminated. the species of peculation
we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature;
for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the
greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave
our readers to judge:—as to the statement of the fact, it
is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the
defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally
and accurately thus:—one of those unfortunate females who
contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds,
milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other
reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at
the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking,
the notorious, mrs. johnson, of jermyn-street:—the
attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a
young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great
respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to
take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as
they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the
cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise
required to execute this bond; of course they complied.
the attorney, after having made the parties acquainted
with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast
responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more
than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them
he would give them information when any thing further was to
be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out
process, prepared declarations, and served the parties.
the gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the
circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and
costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to
our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to
thirty pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. the
reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon
such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an
application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. on
our return home we found eleven of the defendants,
consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with
a copy of the process in her hand. the business now most
certainly put on the appearance of some costs. we again
applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short,
offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely
on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained
a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was
hardy enough to suffer the application. it is almost
needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. we have
forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of
the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved
him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and
deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an
attorney. far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the
gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is
athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war.
[202] by this time they were arrived in piccadilly, where they sat down to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded to make arrangements for merry well's departure: previous to this, however, dashall and his cousin had an engagement to keep with their hibernian friends, of which particulars will appear in the next chapter.
