“oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain,
the painted tablets, deal't and deal't again
cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die
the yawning chasm of indolence supply.
then to the dance and make the sober moon
witness of joys that shun the sight of noon.
blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball,
the snug close party, or the splendid hall,
“where night down stooping from her ebon throne
views constellations brighter than her own.
?tis innocent and harmless, and refined,
the balm of care, elysium of the mind.”
[147] the rapid succession of novelty in a life in london where the scenes like those of a pantomime are constantly changing
“from grave to gay, from lively to severe,”
scarcely required those attentions which the hon. tom dashall continued to enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification and information of his cousin. he was ever watchful of opportunities to furnish new views of real life and character to tallyho, and who never failed to profit by his observations upon men and manners: for tom, notwithstanding the gaiety of his disposition, was an acute and discerning companion, who having mingled in all ranks and degrees of society, was able to associate himself with the high or the low, as circumstances might require, and to form tolerably accurate estimates of those by whom he was surrounded.
it was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of his cousin as a votary of real life in london, that he had proposed a visit to a fancy dress ball at almack's, and preparations had accordingly been made between them.
“a fancy dress ball,” said tom, in order to give his cousin an idea of the entertainment he was to partake, “bears some similitude to a masquerade, with two important exceptions: first, masks are not general; and second, [148] no practical jokes are expected or admitted. dress however, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the visitors, and the amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. the rooms are of the most splendid description, and the company generally of the first order; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is termed the higher ranks of society,—'tis said
page148 almacks
“if once to almacks you belong,
like monarchs you can do no wrong.
but banish'd thence on wednesday night,
by jove you can do nothing right.
i hear (perhaps the story false is,)
from almacks, that he never waltzes
with lady anne or lady biddy,
twirling till he's in love, or giddy.
the girl a pigmy, he a giant,
his cravat stiff, her corset pliant.
there, while some jaded couple stops,
the rest go round like humming tops.
each in the circle with its neighbour
sharing alternate rest and labour;
while many a gentle chaperon
as the fair dervises spin on,
sighs with regret that she was courted,
ere this new fashion was imported.
ere the dull minuet step had vanished, .
with jigs and country scrapers banished.
but —— whose energy relaxes
no more revolves upon his axis,
as sounds of cymbal and of drum
deep clanging from the orch'tra come,
and round him moves in radiance bright
some beauteous beaming sattelite.
nor ventures as the night advances,
on a new partner in french dances,
nor his high destiny fulfilling
through all the mazes of quadrilling,
holds, lest the figure should be hard
close to his nose a printed card,
which for their special use invented,
to beaus on entrance is presented.
a strange device one must allow,
but useful as it tells them how
to foot it in their proper places,
much better than their partners faces.
mark how the married and the single,
in yon gay groupes delighted mingle:
midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming,
midst georges, stars, and crosses gleaming.
we gaze on beauty, catch the sound
of music, and of mirth around.
and discord feels her empire ended
at almacks—or at least suspended.”
“zounds,” said dashall, “i am happy to see the rooms so well attended this evening, and particularly to find mr. maitland and his two lovely sisters. do you observe,” continued he, “that gentleman in regimentals on the opposite side?”
“i do, and is he in the army?” enquired bob “no,” replied tom, “that is only an assumed character for the evening, but i must introduce you to them, though the ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with their eyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard.”
“i've heard that by a single glance
strange witchery is sometimes done,
and only by a look askance,
ladies have many a lover won.”
the elegant and tasteful illuminations of the room, the sprightly sound of the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the well dressed circles, were attractive in the mind of tallyho, and alternately rivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed and congratulated by his friends.
“my dear tom,” said maitland, who was lounging round the room with his two sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party by the affected levity of a military character, “i am glad to see you—'pon honor—just going to make up a quadrille—know you are a good dancer—list you in my corps with misa maitland's permission—but can't be denied 'pon honor.”
“that is very gallant, truly,” replied a lovely and interesting girl, his eldest sister. “with my permission, and yet he won't be denied.”
“if miss maitland were to command,” said the hon. tom dashall, “denial were impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor.”—bowing politely to the ladies.
“vastly pretty indeed mr. dashall, and to speak the truth i am very glad to find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except when he shews himself off in regimentals:” replied miss maitland.
[150] “aye, and we want somebody to talk to,” continued her sister.
“'pon my word, this is strange ill usage,” said maitland.-“i shall desert.”
“nay,” said tom, “there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladies shall not be deserted while i have a hand at their service, and i believe i may venture to offer additional protection on the part of my cousin.”
bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honor of the introduction; while maitland eyed him from top to toe, and was heartily laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him.
“if that's the case,” said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, and staring each of them in the face in succession, “why i've nothing more to say upon it, so come along, i am anxious for a dance.” the music just at the moment striking off, a quadrille was formed, but the younger sister having declined dancing, bob, who had no great inclination to “trip it on the light fantastic toe,” had a good opportunity of following her example, and during the dance they amused themselves with observations on the dresses and manners of the company before them, in the course of which he discovered that maitland was something of the fashionable insipid, and not very high in the general estimation of the ladies, and the contrast between the easy and graceful movements of the hon. tom dashall, with those of maitland braced up in military uniform, and dancing with the stiffness of a halbert, afforded them high amusement, it brought to tallyho's recollection a french dancing master in the country, who, upon the occasion of his annual ball, perceiving a gentleman and lady in person and figure perfectly contrasted, the latter being short and stout, and the former tall and thin, addressed the gentleman in the following complimentary stile, as well as his broken english would admit, “ma dear sare—bien obligé—ah! ma goot sare—you vill do me the honneur to lead off de next dance—you do dance as de poker, and your lady she do dance as de butter fierke”—(meaning a butter firkin.) the allusions were exactly in point, and the company within hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. how far the observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well received by the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire.
[151] miss caroline maitland was about 20 years of age, of a most prepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and full of vivacity with no mean conception of her own wit or captivating powers, her attire was elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, rather than the selection of refined taste and judgment.
miss amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquest certain where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simple modesty of her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful and contemplative mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil to render conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front, discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which darted glances from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed for observation, spoke volumes to the heart. unadorned by the feathers which waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister as she threaded through the mazy windings of the dance, she attracted the attention of the company in a much greater degree than the dress-delighted caroline. her figure was neither well nor ill formed, but the open and animated expression of her countenance, together with the graces of her mind, would in the opinion of all judicious thinkers, have been considered as a compensation for the absence of beautiful form. her whole appearance however, was not only pleasing, it was prepossessing, while her manners and conversation were captivating. bob gazed and admired, listened and was charmed.
the hon. tom dashall was at the same time fully occupied in his attentions to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a sly glance at bob, indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing his cousin thus engaged.
the quadrille being over, “come,” said col. maitland, “we must go and have a peep at the card tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for you know if your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the——”
“silence charles,” said his sister, “remember you have no occasion to make such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain us with a pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositions of your relations; besides i am sure the party alluded to would feel herself very much offended to hear such conversation in a ball room. it is neither a fit time or place;”—and with [152] this, each of his sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the card room, alternately schooling him as they passed along, and leaving our heroes to draw their own conclusions from what had occurred.
“thus it is,” said tom, “that a commander in the field is obliged to be an obedient in the ball room, he is however a very poor creature at the best of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than his own for the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be looked at than admired and esteemed. here,” continued he, “i shall have an opportunity of introducing you to a character of another kind, here is my friend dick distich, a logger of rhyme, a poet and a contemplative philosopher, he is recently married, but appears to be without his rib.”
“my dear friend dashall,” exclaimed a tall thin man advancing and catching him by the hand, “i am glad to see you, for i am bewildered and lost.”
“good,” replied tom, “then i am very glad to have found you, what is the reward—are you advertised—are your manuscripts stolen, or is your library on fire? has the good woman brought forth twins or disappointed your hopes?”
“walk this way,” replied the other, “you are a happy fellow, always gamesome and gay, but i know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind, and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart.”
“zounds,” said tom, “you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and a heart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of such subjects. what can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of ?the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the character to the end of the chapter. why you look as melancholy as a mute, and one would almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attending a mask'd
“i have enough to make me so,” was the reply, “i shall be brief in my narrative, in order that i may not interfere with your enjoyments, and you know that mine are of another kind. i am routed from home.”—
“how do you mean?”
“thus it is then, you know i am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil and humble man. i hate balls and routs, but my wife and i differ in taste. she has determined [153] on having a rout at home, and it proves no misnomer with me, for heaven knows they rout me from study to drawing room, from drawing room to chamber, and all because truly my little woman must have her party.”
“and why not?” enquired tom.
“why man for this reason, you must know i had myself the sweetest little sanctuary in the world. i had gothicised my study, its walls were painted in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with the most unauthor-like neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models all bracketed, and all have vanished like the
—baseless fabric of a vision.”
“and is this your misery,” said tom, “upon my soul i began to think you had lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. what the devil did you expect when you joined issue—to live as you have done like a hermit in a cell? well if this is all i do pity you indeed.”
“but you have not heard half yet. the whole house is transformed.”
“and i think you ought to be reformed,” continued tom.
notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our hero appeared to treat the subject, poor distich was not to be stayed in his course.
“ah!” said he, with a sigh, “in vain did cicero strain his neck to peep over burke on the sublime and beautiful—shakespeare beard blair's sermons and humphrey glinkert or milton's sightless balls gleam over sir walter scott's epics—all, all, is chaos and misrule. even my greenhouse over my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one decayed mirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to spring out afresh in the summer—my shrubs are clapped under my couch, and my evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to this unpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, cloaks, and shawls, for all the old maids in town.”
tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe of his cousin, had so strongly excited tallyho's risibility, that it was with difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse.
the routed benedict continued—“our drawing room, [154]which conveniently holds ten persons, is to be the black hole for thirty—my study, dear beloved retreat, where sonnets have been composed and novels written—this spot which just holds me and my cat, is to be the scene of bagatelle, commerce, or any thing else that a parcel of giggling girls may chuse to act in it,—my statues are converted—diabolus is made to hold a spermaceti candle, while the medicean nymph, my apollo belvidere, and my dancing fawn, being too bulky to move, are adorned with aprons of green silk, because forsooth betty says they are vastly undecent with nothing on them, and my wife is quite certain “that no one will visit us, unless we do as other people do.” alas! until the success of my last poem, we never cared about other people, and i am now absolutely turned out, to make room for them, and advised to come here to-night in order to prepare myself for the approaching festivity.”
dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and bob, who had been for some time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, could no longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. they look'd alternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who with unaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions, till perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from his seat and hastily left the room.
our friends then took a further survey of the company without making any additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant and tasteful dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, and the brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced.
moving onward to the supper room, they again encountered poor distich, who although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements, declared he would not quit till he had supped: after which, tom determined if possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed to have occupied his brain. for this purpose he listened to his additional complaints, and filling his glass at every pause, became lively and agreeable, as the toast was circulated, till the invigorating effects of the bottle sunk him again, and at length putting him into a hackney coach, they dispatched him in good order to his rib; after which they took their departure towards piccadilly.[155]
