“——give me leave to ask a question;
pray, in the king's bench have you ever been?
the bench! good heaven! how shocking a suggestion!
was e'er so saucy a companion seen?
well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did,
?twere better not too closely to surmise;
enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid,
who sees too much is rarely counted wise;
i rather boast that mine are prudent eyes;
persons and things so quietly they read,
nor by a glance confess they scrutinize,
that thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed,
when of themselves i take the strictest heed.
but since you wish me to believe that college
ne'er gave its finish to your education,
i, of its laws and customs having knowledge,
ere i take up the thread of my narration,
must say a little for your information.”
they had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses.
“these houses,” said dashall, “are occupied by the principal officers of the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for the accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the rules. this door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the park.”
page46 king's bench
they next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where after a few minutes a turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, opened the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of confined dimensions. bob looked around him with surprise after the description of his cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up imaginary pictures of what was not to be realized; however, hearing a variety of voices, and perceiving another gate, he quelled his conjectures and [47] followed dashall, who, upon knocking at the door, was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who quickly gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, racquet ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of both sexes, attracted his immediate attention.
gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they scarcely heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted on entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one who appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some time been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, or the horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found themselves surrounded. struggling through the throng, dashall impelled his cousin forward, repeating as he proceeded,
“how many o'er this threshold pass that mouru,
wanting our power at pleasure to return;
a moment let us pause ere we ascend
the gallery that leads us to our friend;
survey the place, where all that meets your view,
is full of interest, and strangely new.
could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile,
borne spacious barrack we might think the pile.”
“however,” continued he, “i perceive we are quizzed, we will just take a turn round, and probably we may meet merrywell, if not, we will soon find him out by enquiry. you perceive, they have the accommodation of a butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, and chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public market, while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in various ways, resemble that of a fair.”
“indeed,” said tallyho, “your description is just, for i have as yet seen but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in view, either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those without the walls.”
[48] “and in many instances,” continued dashall, “of as much, nay, more interest. however, you perceive the
1 the walls of the king's bench are about thirty feet high,
sur-mounted by a chevaux de frieze, and as a place of
confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity.
accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the college. water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that the walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself in his own habitation, with only one drawback.”
“and what is that?” enquired tallyho.
“merely, that like the starling, he can't get out.”
“how now,” said merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet them—touching the honourable tom dashall on the shoulder, while he seized bob by the opposite arm.
“what are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?”
mutual congratulations having passed, merrywell welcomed them to his habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging for a house in the rules, pro tempore, and that it would not be long before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be more agreeable to all parties. “however,” continued he, “if you can bear a confined apartment, i promise you shall have nothing else to complain of. can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?”
“certainly,” was the reply, “our object was to spend a convivial hour with you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take a peep at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their existence.”
“then,” replied merrywell, “you have arrived en bon heure, for in this place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, i can afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round this way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate survey, and i can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, the officers of the court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove interesting. this, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as i mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a general view of [49] the society with which i am now in association, a little discretion may be well made use of.”
“now let us analyse, but not too loud,
if wise, the composition of this crowd;
made up from native soil and foreign clime,
of waste and folly, accident and crime.
here join the speculator and the fool,
greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school,
(at least for any school but this alone,
where college vices in the shade are thrown.)
of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers,
horse jockeys, swindlers, bond street beaux, and smugglers,
by hollow friendship some in prison thrown,
by others' follies some—more by their own.”
by this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and on arriving at the place of entrance—
“do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the state house, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and there are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing a style as those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their living. on the left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the spiritual wants of those confined are not to be forgotten.”
“there, in the centre, is the chapel door,
with ever changing notices spread o'er:
whatever doctrines may within be taught,
with words of peace that door is rarely fraught:
for there, mid notices of beds for hire,
of concerts in the state-house by desire,
some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt
of half a crown, with a ferocious threat;
some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy,
that blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy;
here angry fools proclaim the petty jar,
and clumsy pasquinades provoke to war.”
by this time they had reached the door of the chapel, which, by the various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of merrywell.
bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. “who are those in the corner in close conversation together?”
“the farthest from us,” replied merrywell, “is a jew attorney, well acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the [50] place; one who can explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to the white-washing act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in these days are astonishing. you would scarcely believe it, but such is the fact, there are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own farriers, horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice—cutting, shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always at hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a good thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according as it may best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all requisite mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, by a temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the law to give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest laws, of bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of writs of error, county and marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the laws against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace; perhaps the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we must walk on, or we may be overheard.”
“then,” said dashall, “you are by this time pretty well acquainted with the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the college with more information than you previously possessed.”
“no doubt of it,” was the reply; “but as my case was not desperate, i have not sought desperate remedies. i am at this moment supposed by certain friends of mine to be in the gay city of paris, enjoying all the luxuries of the thuilleries, the louvre, the palais royal, and the elysian fields; and i doubt not i shall be able to convince an old rich uncle of mine of the fact. and as my expectations chiefly rest on him, and he cannot last long, i shall upon liberation make my approaches to him with a little of the french polish i am preparing while here. this, however, is selfish conversation.”
“yet perfectly in point,” continued dashall.
“and equally interesting too,” said bob.
“do you see,” said merrywell, “that young man buttoned up to the chin, in what has been a blue great coat? he is one of the lecturers.”
“lecturers?” enquired tallyho; “what, have you lectures in the college?”
[51] “undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the utmost importance too. that young man, who began the world with slender property, but who contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut a dashing figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession of volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as require it. what are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up young men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town in the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming with clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost all the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, by singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner daily, and seldom goes to bed sober.”
“then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good financier, and might be made very useful to the minister,” replied tom; “and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated.”
“who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the head?” enquired tallyho.
“that,” answered merrywell, “is capt. w——, a sort of walking automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like pedants' periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. he was formerly a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he enlisted under the banners of cupid, paid his addresses to one of the queen's maids, carried the fortress by a coup de main, and gained a safe lodgement in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at the altar of hymen. spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and was appointed paymaster to the 7th hussars. then he set up a coach to run to and from maidenhead. this being one iron too many in the fire, soon became too hot for him. he defaulted for a considerable sum, and has been in quod for four years. here comes a beau of the first order, a colonel, and a most determined dandy, even in confinement. colonel r—— adheres as much to the nicety of dress in this place, as he would for a military appearance on parade. he [52] is colonel of the new grenada horse. i have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. there is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. it is said that when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked the general, what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun carriages.”
“that's a little too severe,” cried dashall, laughing at the same time, “it was but a lapsus lingu?, such as might happen to any man.”
“i claim no merit in the relation,” was the reply; “however, it has raised many a laugh at his expence, and as i had it so you now have it. but we have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in criticising immaterial points of propriety.
“here ruin'd lawyers, ruin'd clients meet;
here doctors their consumptive patients greet,
sick of one malady that mocks all skill,
without the true specific golden pill
here finished tailors, never to be paid,
turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made;
and bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last,
meet those their capias yesterday made fast.
there stalks a youth whose father, for reform,
has shut him up where countless vices swarm.
but little is that parent skill'd to trace
the springs of action,—little knows the place,
who sends an ailing mind to where disease
its inmost citadel of health may seize.”
“you entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes,” said tom; “manacles, mammon, and morality, dance through the mazes of your imagination in rapid and admirable succession—i wonder you don't commence lecturer.”
“i do not conceive myself qualified, and as i have no real occasion to be a pretender, i leave it to those who have.—o! there goes a curiosity—
“if you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, brown hat and powdered head of stalking p—tch—s.”
“he is known here by the title of don; he has been a long resident within these walls, has seen much of life, and is still a gay fellow. he was formerly a member of parliament, but not being able to overrule the speaker, he out-run the constable, and was seized by [53] the bailiffs. he is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to show his contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles with the parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar to the old song—
“why should we quarrel for riches,
or any such glittering toys?
a tight heart and a thin pair of breeches
will go through the world, my brave boye.”
“who is that with the rackets under his arm?” enquired bob.
“that is baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages of supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. he lends rackets, sells balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery trade.”
“then he is a shop-keeper, i suppose.”
“he is a measurer of tape” replied merry well, “by way of refreshment, or in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out old tom or blue-ruin.”
“i understand,” said bob, “a little of the cratur.”
“here,” continued merry well, “is the coach-maker to the late christophe, king of hayti, mr. h—— of long acre notoriety. this gentleman bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental regard, he settled on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his residence here, whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so as to obtain liberation by the whitewashing act, no one at present can tell—and colville is taking his walks—he is one of the janitors, and crier of the place. he has a stentorian voice, which is a part of his business to exercise in calling the prisoners. i know but little of him, and even that is not worth knowing. he, however, has the character of being an informer, and i am not aware that he is in possession of any good qualities. i shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the office he holds, than of the person.[54]
“whoe'er one night has slept within these walls,
has heard the din that each new comer calls,
to where the keen-eyed turnkeys wait to trace
the lineaments of every novel face.
each morning thro' the bench goes forth a cry,
by colville sent thro' every gallery high.
to number “one,” peals round the shout from “ten,”
far rolling heard, “pull up! now gentlemen!”
“this is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according to the circumstances of the case. as it would occupy some time to describe them, i shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the bench; and by the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted with a general practice. imagine for a moment,
“rous'd by the force of that stentorian sound,
rose belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found.
about the door a throng of varlets stood,
a grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood,
that scoff and gibe at every wight that wears
linen less black, or better coat than theirs.
for these, young belcour was too fair a mark;
?make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the park:
his horses wait; he's going for a ride.'
?fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried;
?d'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?'
?a curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,'
between his teeth impatient belcour mutter'd,
as each his wit so truly attic utter'd;
then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng,
dark frowning through the door he moved along.
within the upper lobby morris sate,
and touch'd with easy complaisance his hat;
and cried, not deigning from his seat to stir,
?we hope you're pretty comfortable, sir.
?these chaps about the door are rather rum;
?but, love you! so they do to all that come.'
short was the conference; the turnkey's look
quick cognizance of belcour's features took;
and never, from that hour might he pass by
unnoted by that well-observing eye.”
“well,” said tallyho, “i must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my temper, and i should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of all that was unnecessary.”
“in that case,” replied merry well, “you would only subject yourself to additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and epitaphs in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this is the seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, who, being enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, till a residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their ledgers.
[55] speaking on that subject, by the by, we have among us, at this moment, the publishers of the john bull, whose combined efforts in the way of scurrility have rendered them notorious among the periodicals of present times. there is, however, little of public attraction about them; and although they profess to have a subscription opened, to enable them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it is doubted whether any such is really in existence. here, however, is a character of another description:
captain k—— is still a gay fellow, though i apprehend rather what we call hard up just now. he has had the opportunity of expending a very considerable property in seeing life, but if report say true, it has been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though i suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the nonsense.”
“and do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?” enquired bob.
“certainly,” was the reply, “for services done or promised to be done, or upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to pay his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt he pretends to secure. no place can be found where the study of ways and means is more closely attended to than this. of our prisons in general, much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of them as they went in. a dupe is the general character of those who first enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their departure. the air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and to honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order to guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough to avoid practising them himself.[56]
“think not that the action of the place
is all revealed upon this open space;
the darkest portion of the picture lies
obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes;
here much you see, that bids you all mistrust,
much that provokes aversion and disgust;
new friends, who coolly ask a one pound note,
or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat.
such stuff as this upon the surface swims;
he little sees who but the surface skims.
how much of fraud and finished wickedness,
how much of deep despair and keen distress,
thought of by few, and seen by none, the while,
is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!”
“zounds,” cried dashall, “your pictures have so much light and shade, so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any possibility of arriving at any conclusion.—bless me, there is dick rakewell!”
“do you know him?” said merry well.
“what the devil are you doing here?” cried a young man advancing, and at the same time catching the honourable tom dashall by the hand; “are you initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this menagerie? have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you still sport a game leg among the gallants of bond street?”
“fortunately,” said dashall, “i can still boast of the latter, and have no very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of the former.”
“grown serious and sedate; i suppose married, and ca'nt come—pretty wife—lots of children—love and fireside comfort at home—pleasure abroad—cash in hand, and care for nobody. that's the sort—give you joy with all my heart—never were such times.”
“i am glad you find them so,” continued tom; “but your anticipations are a little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my proceeding; however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a labyrinth full of turnings and windings. but what brought you here?”
“driven in by the philistines,” was the reply; “caught like a harmless dove by the greeks—clean'd out.—by the cog, i was obliged to fly to this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; and, up to a little of the newmarket logic, i am now crossing and justling though it is doubtful at present who will win the race.”
“you have not far to run, however,” replied dashall, “and it is therefore fair to presume the heat will soon be over.”
[57] “as usual,” cried rakewell, “always something short, but pungent, like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}—satire and sentiment—mirth, morality, and good humour—unmarried and still the same man. these are better subjects of congratulation than the former.”
“we shall dine at half past three,” said merry well, “and if you are inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home.”
“i should have no objection to meet you abroad,” exclaimed rakewell; “but, however, i'm your man. half past three, d——nd unfashionable; but never mind,
i'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls, 'locks, bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have a jolly afternoon. is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good repair?”
“all right, my boy!” exclaimed merrywell, “bring your bellows{2} in good order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} the dibs are in tune.{4} a ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black strap, will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and set the spirits a jogging.”
“then at half past three i'll have a turn to with you,” continued rakewell; “so no more at present from your loving cousin. i am going now to call on fred. fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; i thought him a trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind, body, and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. i must stir him up with a long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick, and then quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present.”
thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through one of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight.
“that,” said dashall, addressing his cousin, “was one of the gayest of the gay in all the leading circles of haut ton.”
“and i assure you,” said merrywell, “he has not lost one atom of his vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful companions i know."[58]
1 merry-go-up—snuff.
2 bellows—a cant term for the lungs.
3 bread-basket—the stomach.
4 the dibs are in tune—there is plenty of money.
5 a ball of fire—a glass of brandy.
“then,” rejoined bob, “he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear.”
“yes,” continued dashall, “but the other, and by far the most important, part of philosophy is to forbear.”
“that,” said merry well, “he yet has to learn, and i have my doubts whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. he has, with a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his four-in-hand at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and town establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive ladies, expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all sorts, and has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles. a run of ill luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had honoured almost all the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers, gunsmiths and tavern-keepers in town, with his custom, or rather with his name on their books. his father is a man of considerable property, which must eventually come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous figure in high life.”
“what have we here?” said tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in the window of a barber's shop.
“the old and only established shop at the prison
“price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut
“for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner.”
“seventeen in sixteen—i don't understand this.”
“each of the doors,” said merry well, “which lead to the apartments is numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means much facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their friends. the operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those who carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to come in and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in the morning you may hear almost all the cries of london."[59]
“milk, matches, eggs, and epping sausages,
greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees;
a brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe,
fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe;
rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot,
eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot;
shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and god knows what
such are the goods that pass the lobby door,
cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar.”
“a little further on,” said merry well, “is the public kitchen, where, for a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot water supplied at a penny per kettle. then there is a coffee-room and a tap-room for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of the inmates; so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted here, but the loss of liberty, and the want of money.”
“zounds,” said bob, “those two articles constitute all that is valuable in life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence.
“and bare existence man to live ordained,
“wrings and oppresses with enormous weight.”
“i admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most irksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could be reduced. but you should recollect, that the generality of persons who study in this college expect an early termination of their privations, by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of escaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished; and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibility of indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as the power, when at liberty.”
“who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?” pointing to a person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, and with a vacant countenance.
“hush,” replied merry well, “for we have modest men here as well as elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying enquiries: his name is f—rr—ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; for it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arrive at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliant imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have money for a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived—who have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to the necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of a phaeton or a [60] curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret the person you allude to, however, is brother to cecil f—rr—ter of court notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property. it is said that his principal failing has been too strong an inclination to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expended the bulk of his fortune.”
“he cuts a curious figure now, however,” said tallyho, “and every view at first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth.”
“do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with p——s? that is captain r——n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character to the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a belief among those who knew him, that he was a man of property—married with a view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles.”
“why, it was no laughing matter,” said tom; “the lucky hit was all a miss.”
“yes, there was a miss taken, and a biter bit. love is a lottery as well as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer,” replied dashall.
“it may be so,” said merrywell; “i am not fly{1} to the subject at present; perhaps sparkle could by this time unravel some of its mysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is flying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what appetite we may. do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a prussian cap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?”
1 fit—to be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be
awake.
“i was on the point of enquiry,” said bob; “pray who is he?”
“that is another captain.”
“who! one would almost think you have the whole army of martyrs confined here,” said tallyho; “at all events, your ranks are not deficient of officers.”
“but then,” said dashall, “they are out of commission and out of practice.”
“for want of command,” continued merrywell; “though capt. s——, although never made a commander in chief, has been an exalted character, having once been made [61]inspector of the pavement,{1} or in other words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says true, he has also figured away in other situations equally honourable—a flash turf man—a naval character, and a smuggler. but come, i have given you a sort of index by which you may read, mark, and learn more, when we are more at leisure. it is now half past three o'clock, and punctuality is always my motto.”
1 inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop—cant term
for the pillory.
“humph,” ejaculated tom; “cash down, and no grumbling.”
“d——n severity,” was the reply; “no more of that, or we cut: touch my honour, and you touch my life.”
“dot and go one,” cried dashall. “come along, bob!” and catching his cousin by the arm, they followed merrywell in silence to his apartment in the state house.
on arrival, they found the dinner on table; and hakewell, true to his appointment, arrived before them. the keen air of surrey, though rather confined, had furnished them with good appetites. apologies were banished, and to it they went without “let, hinderance, or molestation”—the viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful. the cloth being removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the day.
confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!—parks and pleasure ground s without priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. the merriment and hilarity of merrywell and his fellow student crowned the afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as bob conceived he could have found under unlimited circumstances. the good humour and hospitality of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of those he entertained; and about eight o'clock, when rakewell began to mangle his mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites into the canisters held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, well pleased and highly diverted with the information they had obtained, and the occurrences of the day; and not a little exhilarated by the bacchanalian juice.
“well,” said tallyho, “this is a scene of real life, which i should judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish for an opportunity of a residence along with the collegians.”
[62] “provided always nevertheless with an equal opportunity of leaving it when we please,” said dashall; “and probably we have only seen one of the best pictures it contains, for although we have been as jolly as sandboys, there is a large store of misery unseen. but let us proceed. we shall soon be free from college rules, and a thought strikes me, that we can make a call on our road that will afford another view of society equally amusing and refreshing. i have often observed to you, that in order to see life, there is no necessity to buz about with court flies, to waste time and money in getting introduced to the tip tops of the west, to join what are termed the fashionable circles, and to end a fashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. the true student of real life should occasionally mingle with all descriptions of persons, mark the characters and their conduct; and, believe me, there are those in the humblest situations, who enjoy themselves in their own way with as much of heartfelt satisfaction as those in the highest, of which, i think, i shall be able to give you a decided proof before we reach home.”
they now pursued their way along the london road and over westminster bridge, till tom called a halt at the door of a friend.
“come, bob,” said he, “here we must uncase—doff the present toggery, and turn out in new trim for the evening.”
“what!” enquired bob, “another masquerade?”
“no, no,” was the reply, “a temporary suspension of the dress and character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and suspected by the company to which i intend to introduce you.”
finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in scotland-yard.
page62 public house
“fear nothing,” said tom, as they passed the threshold; “don't be flurried by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the coal-heaving coves.”
as bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose face indicated the want of water, although so near the river.
[63] “order, order,” was vociferated in an instant by a jolly good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, at the same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles—“this here vay, gentlemen—bill muggins, mind you i arn't had your penny in the plate for backy.”
“vy, that's a lie!” roar'd out a stentorian voice, “i never takes my seat before i sees my vay clear upon the board. i put a crooked ha' penny.”
“yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,” said another. “make him tip” cried a third, “or else stick him in the nitch."{1}
1 stick him in the nitch—send him to coventry.
bob having regained his castor, followed his cousin to the other end of the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took their seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, they began to look around them.
the first thing which struck tallyho's eye, was “no trust,” printed in large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment: then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a house of call for coal porters. before the president (who, by way of distinction, had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward in the fashion of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on which stood a gallon measure of heavy wet. on his right sat a worn-out workman fast asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a snoring accompaniment to a roar of laughter.
“silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when i am going to begin?”
“order, order, chair, chair!” now resounded from every one.
“vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, because vy—i an't got no woice.”
“i knows better nor that,” said bill muggins, “for, by ——ven you fell overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven i pulled you out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have got two woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. lord, lord, if you had but seen him and i get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed—dick bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a vooden spoon against a soot bag.”
[64] a general laugh succeeded this sally, which was accompanied by the speaker with a violent blow upon the table, which threatened confusion to the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with which it was loaded.
“veil,” continued the chairman, “you know its all my eye, i an't got no sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out.”
“vy, you know dick, for the matter o' that are, i never refuses you nothing; nor, vhat's more, i never vont, so here goes.
“vhat a hearty blade am i,
care ca'nt never touch my heart,
every trouble i defy,
vhile i views the foaming quawt.
a very good song, and very well sung;
jolly kimpanions, every one,
clap your hats on, keep your heads vann,
a little more liquor will do us no harm.
blankets and pins, blankets and pins,
when a man's married his sorrow begins.”
the six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared to be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and reiterated cries of “well done, bill—go it, bill—bill muggins for ever!” and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner.
“bill muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, gemmen,"said the president; “here's his health. landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. i say, bill, vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?”
“here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton and turnups for trumps—that's all i got to say, so here goes.”
the toast being drank,
“who is ve to call on now, bill?”
“vy, bob martlet's the boy to come it strong.”
bob martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes to prepare himself, as he was rather hoarse.
during this interregnum, dashall slipped out of the room, and gave the landlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioning him at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, but to say that a gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry, had given an order for it at the bar.
[65] upon re-entering the room, bob martlet, with one eye bound up and his hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of leather,
lovely nymph! assuage my anguish,
at thy feet a tender swain,
prays you will not let him languish,
one kind look would ease his pain.
did you know the lad who courts you,
he not long need sue in vain—
prince of song and dance—you
scarce will meet his like again!
as this was a song to be sung in character, bob martlet determined to profit by the instructions of shakspeare, “to suit the action to the word, and the word to the action,” and consequently at the word “dance,” he introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company; but unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brims joined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to sing it over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which was accompanied by the barking of a dog.
tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the “tender swain,” and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, and highly relished by his companions. the room resounded with applauses, and it was some moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo and behold, the landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowls of punch.
consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. the confusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in a moment; but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. but there it is, will you drink it? it is all your own—and, to set you a good example, here goes—success to trade!—and took a hearty swig from the bowl he placed before the president; then, taking the other bowl to the lower end of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned with glasses. where he came from or how it was obtained, was banished from consideration, and to make more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet was thrown into the bowl to mellow it, as the president observed, because vy he liked things mellow. the punch was handed about, the song and the toast passed merrily in succession till near twelve, when an unlucky disturber of harmony, with a candle set fire to the whisker of phill the flue faker so called from his [66]having in his younger days been a chimney-sweeper. phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening, was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame, and not knowing the real depredator, upset the president, and nearly knock'd him through a window just behind him—mill'd away in all directions, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. during the confusion of this affray, tom and bob took their departure from charley's crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place, and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in piccadilly, where we shall for the present leave them to their repose.
