that life is a picture of strange things and ways,
a grand exhibition, each hour displays;
and for london there's no place can with it compare,
?tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare.
cheap-side bustlers—fleet street hustlers,
jockeys, doctors—agents, proctors,
bow street slangups—bond street bangups,
hide and seekers—opera squeakers,
lawyers, tailors—bailiffs, jailors,
shopmen, butlers—alderman gutters,
patriot talkers—sunday walkers,
dancers, actors—jews, contractors,
placemen, croakers—boxers, brokers,
swindlers, coroners—spies, and foreigners,
and all, all to keep up the bubble of strife,
and prove ways and means—is the picture of life.
the bustle and merriment of the masquerade were long remembered in the mind of bob tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him and his cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which they had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding the preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind in the country, which though not exactly to the taste of dashall, was inflexibly persevered in by tallyho.
tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period of departure in a'ain. the heart and mind of his cousin appeared to be occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most glowing colours of imagination. the healthful fields, the enlivening fox chase, and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with ecstacy; and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more attractive scenes (in tom's idea) that would present themselves for inspection upon a return to the metropolis. at length it was finally arranged that their country excursion should not exceed [418] one month in duration, and that they would leave london time enough to reach belville hall on or before the first day of september.
dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not much time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such lively and interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw in their way. “come,” said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, “it must not be said that you have been so long in london without viewing as many of its important curiosities as the time would admit; though i am sure we shall not have an opportunity of glancing at all those i could point out, and i am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently see more in a few days residence in the metropolis, than those who have inhabited it for their whole lives. we will therefore take a stroll out, without any determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring in our way; for the places deserving of particular inspection are so numerous, and lay in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible for us to turn round without finding some objects and subjects yet in store.
thus saying, and taking the arm of his cousin, they walked along piccadilly in a direction for the city; for as it was a clear morning, tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had an object in view.
“it is certainly much to be deplored,” said he, as they were just entering leicester square by sydney's alley, “that the abominable nuisance of barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; it is a great shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foul linen, hogwash, and other filthy articles along the street, to the annoyance and inconvenience of pedestrians.”
“i am of your opinion,” replied his cousin; “but during the short time i have been here, i have discovered many other equally objectionable annoyances. there is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which, unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; and in dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture of many a well-dressed lady.”
at this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and bob narrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediately induced him to add that to the number of what he termed street [419] grievances, and almost to overturn both the carrier and his load.
“a lucky escape,” said dashall, “for you might have lost an eye by coming in contact with that tray, and i wonder a stop is not put to the probability of such fatal accidents. it is related that a certain city alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of a combustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, of the intention to burn the city of london, and destroy all its peaceable inhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the public street. this it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment, although it was not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are still many that are not enumerated in your list. both by day and night in the most frequented streets of the metropolis and its environs, the unoffending passengers of either sex are frequently obstructed on, or absolutely pushed off the pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies; nay they will sometimes sweep the whole of the space from the wall to the curb stone, by walking four abreast, a practice brutally infringing the laws of civil society in pedestrian excursions through a crowded metropolis.
“i have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these vile trespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilistic exertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see them packed into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloody noses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their future conduct. in some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorum in the king's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admitted to the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen.
“these,” continued he, “are the polite encroachers on the pavé.. there are, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainly of a finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrows conveying the staff of life—publicans' boys collecting pewter pots—lady drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior or damaged fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c.
“after all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors of the public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy john bulls, brewers' servants, by means of ropes [420] and pulleys affixed to their drays, lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from the cellars of public-houses. now although this may be unavoidable, ask one of these bluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will be, instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgar oaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel; perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. private, emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to public accommodation.”
“confound that dustman's bell,” said bob, as they passed down wych-street; “it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; it absolutely deafens one.”
“oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from this time to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. the cries of london are many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and by way of contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatterings from the mud cart. the garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of these inconvenient conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoy a most malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affords them, of lending a little additional decoration from the contents of their carts, by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger. therefore keep, if possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoid the effects of this low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks.”
by this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares, and had st. paul's in their view, when tom took occasion to remark, “he was sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or,” continued he, “we would soon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down upon the world. however, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolis from the monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extend our walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in the world, and erected by sir christopher wren in memory of the great fire which in 1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed the metropolis from tower hill to temple bar. from this pillar you will have a fine panoramic view of london, westminster, and southwark; and as we are about to leave its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in a day or two, we may as well take a general survey.”
[421] bob having signified his consent to this proposal, they made the best of their way to the monument, where having deposited the customary entrance money with the door-keeper, they were allowed to ascend by the winding staircase to the top, when a prospect was presented to the eye of tallyho, of which he could not have formed any previous conception. the view of the river as far as the eye could reach, each way, the moving of the boats, the bustle and activity of the streets, and the continued hum which arose to their ears, formed altogether a subject of delightful contemplation; while the appearance of being as it were suspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. bob had almost grown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to keep a fast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself from falling; till dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directed his attention to greenwich hospital, shooter's hill, and the public buildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by the naked eye. bob was delighted with the view of greenwich hospital, and the account which his cousin gave him of the establishment; and upon descending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar, marking its decorations and reading the inscription.
“it is,” said tom, “a fluted column of the doric order; the total height is 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of the column 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; the height of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside; but,” continued he, 'it is really a great pity that this beautiful monument should be in such a confined situation, for in a proper place it would form one of the most striking objects of the kind that architecture is capable of producing.'
“the inscription, it is true,” continued dashall, “had better be erased, it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradicts itself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that the catholics, or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetrated so horrible a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; nor can so much credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concluded that a fire, which broke out in a single house, could upon this, rather than upon other occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinary a manner.—
[422] while we arc on the spot we will take a peep at a curious piece of antiquity; not that i am so great a lover of such curiosities, but it would appear almost unpardonable for you to have been in london without seeing london stone.”
“i have heard of it,” said tallyho, “and if we are near, let us have a view.”
“come on then,” said dashall; “this same london stone is at present fixed close under the south wall of st. swithin's church, cannon street. it has by some been supposed of british origin, a kind of solemn boundary, or some other object probably of a religious nature, which through every change and convulsion of the state has been preserved with reverential care. but this is the very place,” said he.
bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious and apparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length his cousin directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under a pitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, and almost burst into laughter, for he had raised his cousin's expectation by the previous description.
“how!” said tallyho, “and is this your curiosity?”
“even so,” replied tom, “that is the celebrated london stone; it formerly stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in the ground, and strongly fixed with iron bars. according to account, the first mention of it was in the reign of ethelstan, king of the west saxons, and it has been usually viewed by our antiquaries as a military stone, from which the romans began the computation of their miles, a conjecture which certainly appears very reasonable, not only from the discovery of the roman road after the year 1666, running directly to this stone from watling street, but from the exact coincidence which its distance bears with the neighbouring station, mentioned in antonine's itinerary, the principal of whose journeys either begin or end with london.”
the sound of a horn interrupted this conversation.
“apropos,” said tom, “we can take the post office in our way, a place of considerable importance; so allons.”
they now pursued their way to lombard street.
“this collection of buildings,” said dashall, as they entered, “important as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as a building. it stands behind lombard [423] street, from which, on the south side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, under an arched gateway.
“a plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy of this great establishment, on the site now called st. martin's-le-grand, and to improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of newgate street and paternoster-row. it is now proceeding rapidly.
“the post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulations of finance and convenience existing under any government. it has gradually been brought to its present perfection, being at first in the hands of individuals, and replete with abuses. in its present form it not only supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishes that by means highly beneficial to the persons contributing.
“the post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe. it receives information from all countries; it distributes instructions to the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distant interests of men than any similar establishment. it is in the highest degree hitherto realized, the seat of terrestrial perception and volition—the brain of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in a narrow valley, misshapen even to deformity, and scarcely accessible to the few mail coaches which collect there for their nightly freights.
“the present post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions have been made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed and inconvenient.
“the mode of carrying letters by the general post was greatly improved a few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by mr. palmer. previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, without protection from robbery, and subject to delays. at present they are carried, according to mr. palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguished by the name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, and forwarded at the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages. government contracts with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail, the coach-owner making a profitable business besides, of carrying passengers and parcels. it is not easy to imagine a combination of different interests to one purpose, more complete than this. the wretched situation, however, of the horses, on account of the length of the stages which they are frequently driven, is a disgrace to the character [424] of the british nation, and requires the interference of the legislature. no stage should exceed twelve miles in length.
“the rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country, and the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more than sixpence per mile.
“houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, are open in every part of the metropolis; and after that hour bell-men collect the, letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'penny for each letter. but, at the general post-office, in lombard street, letters are received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half an hour after seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half after seven till a quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, as well as the fee of sixpence.”
“well,” said tallyho, “for a place of such public utility and constant resort, i must confess i expected to see a building of the most magnificent kind; but i am also puzzled to conceive how such extensive business can be carried on with so much regularity as it is.”
“your observation,” replied his cousin, “exactly coincides with that of many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprised on other subjects, for there are places in london where mercantile and legal business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you can have no conception; but as a national establishment, though its internal regulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation to it. but come, let us proceed towards home, i have a call or two to make on the road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are to bid adieu to london smoke as well as london stone, we have but little time to spare, so let us post away.”
bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but taking the arm of dashall, they proceeded along cheapside, made a call at mortimer's, the gun-smith's on ludgate hill, provided themselves with all necessary shooting apparatus; and tom, ever mindful of the variety which he conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable on their way, purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, and other amusing articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day.
on arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from sparkle, announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that he should have the pleasure of [425] meeting his friends within a day or two; expatiating with great apparent delight upon the happiness of his own situation, and promising lots of amusement, in detailing to them the events of his peregrinations. this operated as an additional spur to the speed of their departure, and it was agreed that they should start the next morning.
“i don't know,” said bob, “whether i should really like a continued life in london; i have seen many of its comforts and many of its inconveniences.” “then,” replied tom, “you may certainly, by the exercise of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon mature reflection, strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour of the former, i shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity.”
“well,” continued bob, “i shall now have a fine opportunity for drawing out a distinct account, and when done, i will submit the result to your inspection.”
every thing being prepared, they were on the road to belville hall at an early hour the next morning.
as the occurrences of a country excursion, or the delineation of a country life, form no part of the intended plan of this work, we shall not enter into any detailed account; but leaving our heroes in the pursuit of fresh game, under new circumstances, and in somewhat new situations, bear in our minds their intended return, to engage, contemplate, and enjoy a future review of the complicated, yet ever new and ever varying scenes of a real life in london, with a determination to meet them on arrival, and not lose sight of them in their future rambles.
end of vol. i.
