“o there are swilling wights in london town

term'd jolly dogs—choice spirits—alias swine,

who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,

making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.

these spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun,

dosing with head-aches till the afternoon,

lose half men's regular estate of sun,

by borrowing too largely of the moon:

and being bacchi plenus—full of wine—

although they have a tolerable notion

of aiming at progressive motion,

tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine.”

upon leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that mortimer was at sea without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the true line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; merry well was magnanimous, frank harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. harry was going eastward, and the remainder of the party westward; it was half-past one in the morning—the weather had cleared up as their brains had been getting foggy.

tom proposed a rattler.

frank harry swore by the bacchanalian divinity they might ride in the rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to stammer out

how sweet in—the—wood-lands

wi—ith ii—eet hound—and horn—

to awaken—shrill—[hiccup)—echo,

and taste the—(hiccup)—fresh morn.

during this time, having turned to the right on leaving the woolpack, instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down gracechurch street, in a line with london bridge, without discovering their mistake; nor were [293] they aware of the situation they were in till they reached the monument.

“zounds!” said tom, “we are all wrong here.”

“all right,” said merrywell—“all right, my boys—go it, my kidwhys.”

bob hearing his cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries.

“never mind,” said tom, “we shall get housed presently—i have it—i know the shop—it is but seldom i get out of the way, so come along—i dare say we shall see some more fun yet.”

saying this, he led the way down thames street and in a short time introduced them to the celebrated house in dark-house lane, kept open at all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to market, and going off by the gravesend boats and packets early in the morning.

on entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field for observation was immediately opened to the mind of dashall: he was no novice to the varieties of character generally to be found within its walls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable information to his cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions; being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them with beds: which being accomplished,

“now,” said tom, “for a new scene in real life. here we are situated at billingsgate, on the banks of the thames; in another hour it will be all alive—we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around us; but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior—button up—tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps escape suspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be enabled to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you will see some rum ones.”

they now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance beyond the powers of description.

in one corner lay a sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast on board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended to take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently well guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten fisherman in a guernsey frock and a thick [294] woollen night-cap, who, having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was toiling away time till the commencement of the market with a pipe and a pint, by whose side was seated a large newfoundland dog, whose gravity of countenance formed an excellent contrast with that of a man who was entertaining the fisherman with a history of his adventures through the day, and who in return was allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled pint—a waterman in his coat and badge ready for a customer—and two women, each having a shallow basket for the purpose of supplying themselves with fish at the first market for the next day's sale.

?going to gravesend, gentlemen?' enquired the waterman, as tom and bob took their seats near him.

“no,” was the reply.

“beg pardon, sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a boat, that's all; hope no offence.”

“i vas down at the frying pan in brick lane yesterday, (said the communicative adventurer;) snivelling bill and carrotty poll was there in rum order—you know carrotty? poll? so poll, (good health to you) you knows how gallows lushy she gets—veil, as i vas saying, she had had a good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to bill—you knows she's rather nutty upon bill, and according to my thinking they manages things pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: so, vhen she comes back, b———tme if bill vasn't a playing at skittles, and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a vinning the lush, so you know bill didn't care—but, my eyes! how she did blow him up vhen she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and tip, she tipp'd him a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the skittles dance again, and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the skittles: it vas lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, i'll be d———d if ever she'd a cried buy my live flounders any more—he vas at play vith sam stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher he jumps in between 'em, and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be peace-maker, but it voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in a frying-pan—poll called him stitch louse, bid him pick up his needles and be off—bill vanted to get at poll, poll vanted to get at bill—and between them the poor tailor got more stripes upon his jacket than there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at bartlemy fair—here's good health to you—it was a [295] bodkin to a but of brandy poor snip didn't skip out of this here vorld into that 'are?”

“and how did they settle it?” enquired the fisherman.

?i'll tell you all about it: i never see'd such a b———dy lark in all my life; poor sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, and being but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man and a voman—bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, and carrotty moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her fish-basket—billy vas a snivelling, poll a stoearing, and the poor tailor in a funk—thinks i to myself, this here vont never do—so up i goes to poll—poll, says i———' to the devil i pitch you,' says she—only you know i knows poll veil enough—she tried to sneak it over me, but she found as how i know'd better—poll, says i, hold your luff—give us no more patter about this here rum rig—i'll give cost price for the fish, and you shall have the money; and while i was bargaining with her, d———n me if bill and the tailor vasn't a milling avay in good style, till stripe's wife comes in, gives snivelling billy a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her fancy, like as the song says, the devil took the tailor

“vith the broad cloth under his arm.”

i never laugh'd so in all my life; i thought i should———'

at this moment a nod from the landlord informed tom his coffee was ready, when they were ushered into the parlour.

bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had occasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy sailor, the giggling of the girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl from the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this adventure, remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced, which, to a person coming out of the country, would have been wholly unintelligible.

“yes,” replied tom, “almost every trade and every calling of which the numerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a language of its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. nor is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times to aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode of expression. but come, i [296] perceive the morning is shedding its rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a survey of the more general visitors to this place of extensive utility and resort—already you may hear the rumbling of carts in thames street, and the shrill voice of the fishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, which they will nearly finish before two-thirds of the population leave their pillows. this market, which is principally supplied by fishing smacks and boats coming from the sea up the river thames, and partly by land carriage from every distance within the limits of england, and part of wales, is open every morning at day-light, and supplies the retailers for some miles round the metropolis. the regular shop-keepers come here in carts, to purchase of what is called the fish salesman, who stands as it were between the fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the retailer; but there are innumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, who come and purchase for themselves at first hand, particularly of mackarel, herrings, sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. and also of cod and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, composing an heterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to be met with elsewhere.” “then,” said bob, “there is a certainty of high and exalted entertainment;—i should suppose the supply of fish is very considerable.”

“the quantity of fish consumed,” replied tom, “in london is comparatively small, fish being excessively dear in general: and this is perhaps the most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, considering that the rivers of great britain and the seas round her coast teem with that food.—there are on an average about 2500 cargoes of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons by land carriage, making a total of about 120,000 tons; and the street venders form a sample of low life in all its situations.

“————in such indexes, although small

to their subsequent volumes, there is seen

the baby figure of the giant mass

of things to come at large.”

and the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be termed cockneyism.”

“cockneyism,” said bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance.

[297] “yes,” continued tom, “cockney is universally known to be the contemptuous appellation given to an uneducated native of london, brought into life within the sound of bow bell—pert and conceited, yet truly ignorant, they generally discover themselves by their mode of speech, notwithstanding they have frequent opportunities of hearing the best language; the cause, i apprehend, is a carelessness of every thing but the accumulation of money, which is considered so important with them—that they seem at all times to be in eager pursuit of it.

“o plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart,

teach me to catch the money-catching art;

or, sly mercurius! pilfering god of old,

thy lesser mysteries at least unfold.”

you will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in something like the following manner:

“my eyes, jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning—i should ave fell'd right down if so be as how i adn't cotch'd ould of a postis—vere does you thinks i ave been? vy all the vay to vapping vail, an a top o tower hill—i seed a voman pillar'd—such scrouging and squeeging, and peltin vith heggs—ow funny!

“a female fruit-seller will say to a lady oyster-dealer—law, my dear mrs. melton, how ar you this cowld morning, mem.?—the streets vil be nice and dirty—vel, for my part, i always likes dry vether—do your usband vork at foxall still?—i likes to warm my cowld nose vith a pinch of your snuff—ow wery obliging—but come, i hear the bustle of billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. by this time they are all alive.”

bob laughed at his cousin's specimens of cockney language, and they sallied forth, to make further observations.

it was now a fine morning, the sun shone with resplendent lustre upon all around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive thames; there was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to contemplate subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly attracted by the passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell or supply themselves with fish; thames street was almost blocked up with carts, and the hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading or unloading, formed an occasional symphony to the [298] continual hum of those who were moving in all directions to and from the market.

“by yer leaf” said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fish which appeared to press him almost down—“what the devil do you stand in the way for?”

bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, unfortunately trod upon the toe of an hibernian lady, who was bearing away a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her arm so forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load; by which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some ladies on board one of the gravesend boats. the confusion that followed is scarcely to be conceived—the agitation of talt who at hearing the vociferated lamentations of the irish woman—the spluttering of the disconcerted dandy—the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, “that so help her god he should pay for her property”—the loud laughter of those around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole party—and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush of the pavement, while the ladies were hunting those which had fallen into the bosom of their conductor—formed a scene altogether, which, in spite of the confusion of his cousin, almost convulsed the hon. tom dashall with laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of the owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering irishwoman, the execrations of the dandy gentleman and his ladies, and the miseries of poor bob; to escape from which, he gave the hibernian and her employer enough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, and seizing tom by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his misfortunes in fishery.

page298 real life at billingsgate

their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud acclamations of “go it, poll—pitch it into her—mill her snitcher—veil done, sail—all pluck—game to the back-bone—peppermint her upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box—d———n my eyes, but that vas a good one, it [299] has altered her weather-cock and shifted her wind—there's your dairies—stand out of the way—upon my sole you have overturned all my flounders—d———n you and your dabbs too.”

tom and bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner of a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and take a general survey of the proceedings.

“now,” said tom, “here is a lark for you, a female fight.”

“fine salmon, or cod, gentlemen,” said an elderly woman—“i wish i could tempt you to be customers.”

“well,” said bob, “they are at it in good earnest.”

“o yes,” said the woman, “we always have it in real earnest, no sham—i wish poll may sarve her out, for sall is a d———d saucy b———h at all times.”

“and what have they quarrelled about?” inquired dashall.

“jealousy, sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the red ruff round his neck, is sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets her have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you understand—and so sail she comes down this morning, and she finds poll having a phililoo with him, that's all; but i wish they would go and have it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business—nance, go and get us a quartern of jacky, that i may ax these gentlemen to drink, for its a cold morning, and perhaps they are not used to be up so early.”

tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the needful to nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. the effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving scent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly delightful. nor could they escape the fish-wife without becoming participators in the half pint of blue ruin.

“come,” said tom, “we will now stroll a little further, and take a survey of the street; but first we will give a look here.

“this,” said he, “is the custom house, a splendid building recently erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in 1814.” [300] “it is, indeed,” replied bob, admiring the south front, which is executed in portland stone.

“do you observe,” continued tom, “the central compartment, which comprises what is called the long room, and which we will visit presently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantly ornamented?—that alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of the arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce and industry of the nation—that to the west, a representation of the costume and character of the various nations with whom we hold intercourse in our commercial relations—in the centre, under the large massive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of the founders and the date of its erection—the figures which support the dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and plenty—that bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character to the king's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the imperial arms upheld by the attributes of ocean and commerce.”

bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the river, the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared on board the different vessels; together with the view of london bridge on one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles of various kinds passing and repassing, and the tower on the other, conspired to heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene.

“the designs,” said tallyho, “are truly creditable to the taste and science of the architect.”

“and this quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from the tower to billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected in the contiguous streets and lanes.” “not before it is necessary,” was the reply. “it would be impossible,” continued dashall, “to visit all the apartments this building contains; we will however have a look at the long room, and as we proceed i will endeavour to give you some further information. we are now entering the east wing, which is a counterpart of that on the west, having like this a grand stair-case with a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end of the long room, lighted by [301] these vertical lantern-lights, the ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. these lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case.”

they now entered the long room, the imposing appearance of which had its due effect upon tallyho.

“bless me!” cried he in a state of ecstasy, “this is a room to boast of indeed.”

“yes,” replied his cousin, “there is not such another room in europe; it is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into three compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you perceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and ventilated through the centre of each.”

“and all of stone?” inquired bob.

“not exactly so,” was the reply; “the floor (excepting the situation of the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are drawn out and tinted in imitation.”

“and what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?”

tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction replied—“no, these pedestals do double duty, and are something like what the rural poet, goldsmith, describes in his deserted village—

“the chest contriv'd a double debt to pay,

a bed by night, a chest of drawers by day.”

these are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they contain fire-places completely hid from view.”

“fire-places,” re-echoed bob.

“yes,” continued his cousin; “the smoke, descending, passes through the piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all times kept up in the room.”

“that is a capital contrivance,” said tallyho.

“then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre of the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass; which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent a communication beyond their boundaries. fire-proof rooms also, as repositories for valuable books [302] and papers, are provided on each floor, where the important documents of the establishment are deposited every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. there are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. this however is the principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. the ship master first makes the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment of duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with the respective officers in this room. the business of the customs is managed by nine commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all parts of england. we will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon tavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk.”

“with all my heart,” said tallyho.

“what ho, master b———,” said dashall, saluting the landlord as he entered the tavern—“how does the world wag with you?—send us some soda water—the newspaper—let somebody clean our boots—give us pen, ink and paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no fish, mind that.”

the landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time they were ready, their orders were complied with.

“pray,” inquired dashall of the obliging landlord, who came in to ask if they were supplied with all they wished for, “did you ever recover any thing from that dashing blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner here?”

“never got a halfpenny—no no, he was not one of those sort of gentry—nor do i ever wish to see such again in my house.”

this was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had no relish for the conversation.

dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers to enjoy their mirth.

“what are you laughing at?” cried bob.

“why,” continued his cousin,

“there was, as fame reports, in days of yore,

at least some fifty years ago, or more,

a pleasant wight on town——”

[303] and there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with; but you shall have the tale as i had it: this house has been celebrated for furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in particular; consequently it has been the resort of the bucks, the bloods, and the dashing swells of the town, and i myself have been well entertained here. it will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodations should attract the notice of a sharper whose name and character were well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspecting landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit.

calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in high twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of sherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him—praised the wine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order for a dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. the bait was swallowed,

“for a little flattery is sometimes well.”

?but are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for good eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall be like fishes out of water.'—' oh, sir, no man in london can supply you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good.' he was consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. upon returning to the parlour again—' bless me, (cried he) i have had my pocket pick'd this morning, and lost my handkerchief—can you oblige me with the loan of one for present use? and i will send it back by one of my servants.'

?certainly, sir,' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief was quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he had approved while below. he then wrote a letter, which he said must be dispatched immediately by a ticket-porter to albemarle street, where he must wait for an answer. this being done, lie desired a coach to be called—asked the landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him with, as he had occasion to go a little further, but would soon return. this being complied with, by the landlord giving him twenty shillings with the expectation of receiving a [304] pound note in return, he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating host good afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never shewn his face here since. poor b———don't like to hear the circumstance mentioned.”

“zounds!” said tallyho, “somebody was green upon the occasion; i thought people in london were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. and who did he prove to be after all?”

“no other than the well-known major semple, whose depredations of this sort upon the public rendered him so notorious.”

having finished their repast, tom was for a move; and they took their way along thames street in the direction for tower hill.