“here fashion and folly still go hand in hand,
with the blades of the east, and the bucks of the strand;
the bloods of the park, and paraders so gay,
who are lounging in bond street the most of the day—
who are foremost in all that is formed for delight,
at greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night;
for london is circled with unceasing joys:
then, east, west, north and south, let us hunt them, my boys.”
[258] the entrance to the house had attracted tallyho's admiration as they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the coffee-room, fitted up with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a blaze of splendour every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, struck him with surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, for merrywell and mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depth and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to tom and bob, under the title of frank harry. frank harry was a humorous sort of fellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to snuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing,
“the bottle's the sun of our table,
his beams are rosy wine:
we, planets never are able
without his beams to shine.
let mirth and glee abound,
you'll soon grow bright
with borrow'd light,
and shine as he goes round.”
he was also a bit of a dabbler at poetry, a writer of songs, epigrams, epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the east, was thought to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself a very [259] pleasant sort of companion: he had a dawning pleasantry in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed to indicate there was nothing which gave him so much gratification as a mirth-moving jest.
“what spirits were his, what wit and what whim, now cracking a joke, and now breaking a limb.”
give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself furnished with food and raiment. there was however a pedantic manner with him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved by wearing; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred sleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. if he ever sigh'd at all, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd; if he had ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'd more and mourn'd less. he appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning at times the most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon the most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude his observations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility; seeming at the same time to say,
“how i love to laugh;
never was a weeper;
care's a silly calf,
joy's my casket keeper.”
during dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they should wear tails—calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with tail-pieces—hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, because he had but twelve labours—assured them he had seen a woman that morning who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that her features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were visible on her face—that horace ran away from the battle of philippi, merely to prove that he was no lame poet—he described critics as the door-porters to the temple of fame, whose business was to see that no persons slipped in with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, but was much in doubt whether they always performed their duty honestly—he called the sun the yellow-hair'd laddie [260] —and the prince of darkness, the black prince—ask'd what was the difference between a sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, i will tell you, said he—the coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry—but a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not carry. he had a whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, the cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, the cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more practicable—what is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out with the skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be plain enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons who have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones.
dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that necessity has no law.
he declared he was sorry for it—it was surely a pity, considering the number of learned clerks she might give employ to if she had—her chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, i judge: hearing the petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year a term. thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with humour, to the infinite amusement of those around him.
merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took every opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging his propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some short time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his late majesty; but that before he could write the last line—“and your petitioner will ever pun” it was bestowed upon a yeoman of the guard. still, however, said he, i have an idea of opening business as a pun-wright in general to his majesty's subjects, for the sale and diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and intend to advertise—puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. n b. 1. an allowance will be made to captains and gentlemen going to the east and west indies—hooks, peakes, pococks,{1} supplied on
1 well-known dramatic authors.
[261] moderate terms—worn out sentiments and clap-traps will be taken in exchange. n b. 2. may be had in a large quantity, in a great deal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in small quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melodrama and an interlude per box. n b. 3. the genuine puns are sealed with a true munden grin—all others are counterfeits—long live apollo, &c. &c.
the cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and
“as wine whets the wit, improves its native force,
and gives a pleasant flavour to discourse,”
frank harry became more lively at each glass—“egad!” said he, “my intention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a story.”
“can't you sing it?” enquired merrywell.
“the pipes want clearing out first,” was the reply, “and that is a sign i can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and i see some telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all the doubtful interpretation of signs in general.”
“let's have it then,” said tom; “but, mr. chairman, i remember an old song which concludes with this sentiment—
“tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine.”
“the bottle is out, we must replenish.”
the hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after another glass,
“king james vi. on his arrival in london, (said he) was waited on by a spanish ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought to be dignified with the title of professor of signs. if this plan were adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of one nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. signs, he argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same in every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood. full of this project, the ambassador was [262] lamenting one day before the king, that the nations of europe were wholly destitute of this grand desideratum; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a college founded upon the simple principles he had suggested. the king, either to humour this quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at the expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'why, sir, i have a professor of signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my dominions; but the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will be impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' pleased with this unexpected information, the ambassador exclaimed—'if it had been six hundred leagues, i would go to see him; and i am determined to set out in the course of three or four days.' the king, who now perceived that he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose; but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be written to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired the professors to get rid of the ambassador in the best manner they were able, without exposing their sovereign. disconcerted at this strange and unexpected message, the professors scarcely knew how to proceed. they, however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, that the professor of signs was not at home, and that his return would be very uncertain. having thus fabricated the story, they made preparations to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time reached their abode. on his arrival, being introduced with becoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour of being professor of signs? he was told in reply, that neither of them had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom he enquired, was gone into the highlands, that they conceived his stay would be considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture the period of his return. 'i will wait his coming,' replied the ambassador, 'if it be twelve months.'
“finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had already undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned professors had recourse to another stratagem. to this they found themselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him as long as he chose to tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out their patience, the whole affair must terminate [263] in a discovery of the fraud. they knew a butcher, who had been in the habit of serving the colleges occasionally with meat. this man, they thought, with a little instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with one eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent.
“on sending for geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to act, he readily undertook to become professor of signs, especially as he was not to speak one word in the ambassador's presence, on any pretence whatever. having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to the ambassador, that the professor would be in town in the course of a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. pleased with this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and important. when the day of interview arrived, geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his station. he was then seated in a chair of state, in one of their large rooms, while the ambassador and the trembling professors waited in an adjoining apartment.
“it was at length announced, that the learned professor of signs was ready to receive his excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. as none of the professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence might have some effect upon the risible muscles of geordy's countenance) they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the king, and, in some degree, the honour of the nation.
“as this was an interview of signs, the ambassador began with geordy, by holding up one of his fingers; geordy replied, by holding up two. the ambassador then held up three; geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and looking sternly. the ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, and held it up; geordy returned the compliment, by taking from his pocket a [264] piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similar manner. the ambassador, satisfied with the vast attainments of the learned professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, and retired. on rejoining the agitated professors, they fearfully began to enquire what his excellency thought of their learned brother? 'he is a perfect miracle,' replied the ambassador, 'his worth is not to be purchased by the wealth of half the indies.' 'may we presume to descend to particulars?' returned the professors, who now began to think themselves somewhat out of danger. 'gentlemen,' said the ambassador, 'when i first entered into his presence, i held up one finger, to denote that there is one god. he then held up two, signifying that the father should not be divided from the son. i then held up three, intimating, that i believed in father, son, and holy ghost. he then clenched his fist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three are one; and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to make additions. i then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, to show the goodness of god, and to signify that he gives to his creatures not only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. then, to my utter astonishment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece of bread, thus assuring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to be preferred to all the luxuries in the world. being thus satisfied with his proficiency and great attainments in this science, i silently withdrew, to reflect upon what i had witnessed.' “diverted with the success of their stratagem, the professors continued to entertain their visitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. no sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to learn from geordy, in what manner he had proceeded to give the ambassador such wonderful satisfaction; they being at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas with so much promptitude, and have replied to them with proportionable readiness. but, that one story might not borrow any features from the other, they concealed from geordy all they had learned from the ambassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded in the following manner:—'when the rascal came into the room, after gazing at me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he did? he held up one finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. i then held up two, to [265] let him know that my one eye was as good as both of his. he then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyes between us. this was so provoking, that i bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, i should certainly have risen from the chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult a man, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. the impudence of the fellow, however, did not stop here; for he then pulled out an orange from his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, your poor beggarly country cannot produce this. i then pulled out a piece of good cake, and held it up, giving him to understand, that i did not care a farthing for his trash. neither do i; and i only regret, that i did not thrash the scoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abused my country.' we may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways of telling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding signs, and also of interpreting them.”
this story, which was told with considerable effect by their merry companion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, induced profound silence, and particularly interested and delighted young mortimer and tallyho; while merrywell kept the glass in circulation, insisting on no day-light{1} nor heel-taps,{2} and the lads began to feel themselves all in high feather. time was passing in fearless enjoyment, and frank harry being called on by merrywell for a song, declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it was agreed that it should go round.
this proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he should not be at a loss for a good coal-box;{3} and after a little more rosin, without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sung the following[266]
song.
oh, london! dear london! magnanimous city,
say where is thy likeness again to be found?
here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty,
all whisk us and frisk us in magical round;
1 no day-light—that is to leave no space in the glass; or,
in other words, to take a bumper.
2 heel-taps—to leave no wine at the bottom.
3 coal-box—a very common corruption of chorus.
here we have all that in life can merry be,
looking and laughing with friends hob and nob,
more frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree,
while we can muster a sovereign bob.
(spoken)—yes, yes, london is the large world in a small compass: it contains all the comforts and pleasures of human life—“aye aye, (says a bumpkin to his more accomplished kinsman) ye mun brag o' yer lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, and makeshift be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, health and a cottage.”—ha, ha, ha, hark at the just-catch'd johnny rata, (says a bang-up lad in a lily-shallow and upper toggery) where the devil did you come from? who let you loose upon society? d———e, you ought to be coop'd up at exeter ?change among the wild beasts, the kangaroos and catabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world! shew 'em in! shew 'em in! stir him up with a long pole; the like never seen before; here's the head of an owl with the tail of an ass—all alive, alive o! d———me how the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stick without thrums.—“by gum (says the bumpkin) you looks more like an ape, and ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o' the chops.”—you'd soon find yourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)—you are not up to the gammon—you must go to college and learn to sing
oh, london! dear london! &c.
here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling,
with uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig;
the lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling,
the duke and the dustman, the peer and the prig;
here is his lordship from gay piccadilly,
there an ould clothesman from rosemary lane;
here is a dandy in search of a filly,
and there is a blood, ripe for milling a pane.
(spoken)—all higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw—lawyers, lapidaries, lamplighters, and lap-dogs—men-milliners, money-lenders, and fancy millers, mouse-trap mongers, and matchmen, in one eternal round of variety! paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with its unparalleled pleasures—and the wishing cap of fortunatus could not produce a greater abundance of delight—cat's meat—dog's meat—here they are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hot hot chelsea buns—clothes sale, clothes—sweep, sweep—while a poor bare-footed ballad singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervals chimes in with
“they led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care,
you may know me by my sign and the robe that i wear;”
[267] so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once into one undistinguished concert of harmony, induces me to add mine to the number, by singing—
oh, london! dear london! &c.
the butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the baker,
and bundles his bread-basket out of his hand;
the exquisite lad, and the dingy flue faker,{1}
and coaches to go that are all on the stand:
here you may see the lean sons of parnassus,
the puffing perfumer, so spruce and so neat;
while ladies, who flock to the fam'd bonassus,
are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street.
(spoken)—“in gude truth,” says a brawney scotchman, “i'se ne'er see'd sic bonny work in a' my liefe—there's nae walking up the streets without being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets without being tripp'd up.”—“blood-an-oons, (says an irishman) don't be after blowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want it presently to cool your barley broth.”—“by a leaf,” cries a porter with a chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizes both at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, humming to himself, ally croaker, or hey diddle ho diddle de; and leaving the fallen heroes to console themselves with broken heads, while some officious friends are carefully placing them on their legs, and genteelly easing their pockets of the possibles; after which they toddle off at leisure, to sing
oh, london! dear london! &c.
then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it,
unless up to london they'd certainly been?
?tis a truth, i aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it,
that at the court end not a court's to be seen;
then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation
for fashion or folly can equal our own?
or fit out a fête like the grand coronation?
i defy the whole world, there is certainly none.
(spoken)—talk of sights and sounds—is not there the parliament house, the king's palace, and the regent's bomb—the horse-guards, the body-guards, and the black-guards—the black-legs, and the bluestockings—the horn-blower, and the flying pie-man—the indian juggler—punch and judy—(imitating the well-known show-man)—the young and the old, the grave and the gay—the modest maid and the willing cyprian—the theatres—the fives court and the court of chancery—[268]
1 flue faker—a cant term for chimney-sweep.
the giants in guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and,
what's more than all, the coronation ball—
mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity,
to please the folks of quality:
for all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch,
the smell,
whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone,
no place has such charms as the gay town of london.
oh, loudon! dear london! &c.
the quaint peculiarities of the singer gave indescribable interest to this song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various cries of the inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times three rounds of applause; when merrywell, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with dashall and frank harry, the following
glee.
“wine, bring me wine—come fill the sparkling glass,
brisk let the bottle circulate;
name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lass,
drive from your brows the clouds of fate:
fill the sparkling bumper high,
let us drain the bottom dry.
come, thou grape-encircled boy!
from thy blissful seats above,
crown the present hours with joy,
bring me wine and bring me love:
fill the sparkling bumper high,
let us drain the bottom dry.
bacchus, o'er my yielding lip
spread the produce of thy vine;
love, thy arrows gently dip,
temp'ring them with generous wine:
fill the sparkling bumper high,
let us drain the bottom dry.”
in the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon them unheeded, till dashall reminded merrywell of their intended visit to the east; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in that quarter, he proposed a move.
they were by this time all well primed—ripe for a rumpus—bang-up for a lark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body; they therefore took leave of their present scene of gaiety.
