on the following day croniamantal went to the theatre, which was meeting at monsieur pingu's, the financier. croniamantal succeeded in gaining entry by bribing the doorman and the butler. he entered boldly the hall where the theatre, its satellites, its stool-pigeons and its hired thugs were gathered.
croniamantal
ladies and gentlemen of the theatre, i have come to read you my play entitled ieximal jelimite.
the theatre
good gracious, wait a minute, young man, until you have been informed about our methods of procedure. you are here in the midst of our actors, our authors, our critics and our spectators. listen attentively and don't even speak.
croniamantal
gentlemen, i thank you for the cordial reception that you give me and i shall profit, i am sure, of all that i hear.
the actor
my r?les have slowly withered like the roses
but mother, i love my metempsychoses
o seats of proteus and their metamorphoses
an old stage manager
do you remember, madame! one snowy night of 1832, a lost stranger knocked at the door of a villa situated on the road leading from chanteboun to sorrento...
the critic
nowadays, for a play to be successful it is important that it should not be signed by its author.
the trainer to his bear
roll about in the sweet peas
play dead... suckle...
dance the polka... now the mazurka...
chorus of drinkers
juice o' the grape
ruddy liquor
let us drink drink
if we may
chorus of eaters
horde of gluttons
there's no more
a crumb left
in the plate
drinkers
bloated heads
drink o drink
the juice o' the grape
r.d.rd k.pl.ng, the actor, the actress,
the authors
(to the spectators)
pay! pay! pay! pay! pay! pay! pay!
the prompter
the theatre, my dear brothers, is a school for scandal, it is a place of perdition for the soul and the body. according to the testimony of the stage carpenters everything is faked in the theatre. witches older than morgane come there to pose as little girls of fifteen years.
how much blood is spilt in a melodrama! i say truthfully, though it be false, this blood will be upon the heads of the children of the authors, the actors, the directors, and the spectators, unto the seventh generation. ne mater suam, the little girls used to say to their mothers. nowadays they ask: "are we going to the theatre tonight?"
i tell you frankly my friends. there are few shows which do not endanger the soul. outside of the spectacle of nature i know of nothing that one may witness without fear. this last spectacle is gallic and healthy, my dear friends. the sound dilates the glands, chases satan from the stinking shades where he lies and thus the fathers come in from the desert to exorcise themselves.
the mother of an actress
are you p..., charlotte?
the actress
no, mama, i am roasting.
m. maurice boissard
we have with us today the entrails of a mother!
an author who has a play accepted by the comedie-fran?aise
my friend, you do not look very confident today. i am going to explain the meaning of several words from the theatrical vocabulary. listen attentively and remember them if you can.
acheron (ch hard)—a river of hades, not of hell.
artists (two types)—is never used except in speaking of a comedian or a comedienne.
brother—avoid using this substantive together with "little." the adjective "young" is more proper.
nota bene—this phrase does not apply to operettas.
"high life"—this very french expression is translated in english as "fashionable people."
liaisons—they are always dangerous in the theatre.
papa—two negatives are equal to an affirmative.
cooked potatoes—(never used in the singular)—a crudity that is deleterious to the stomach.
tut-tut—this worn expression...
would you like to have some titles for plays also? they are very important in order to succeed. here are some sure ones:
the contour; the circumference; the condor; hurry up harry; the tower; louise, your shirt is coming out; step along; the mysterious bar; hundredth to the right; the magician; the guelf; i am going to kill you; my prince; the artichoke; the school for lawyers; the torch-bearer!
good-bye, sir, don't thank me.
a great critic
gentlemen, i have come to give you a report of the triumph, last night. are you ready? i begin:
grit and grip
a play in three acts by messrs. julien tandis, jean de la fente, prosper mordus and mmes nathalie de l'angoumois, jane fontaine and the countess m. des etangs, etc. sets by messrs. alfred mone, leon minie, al. de lemere. costumes by jeanette, hats by wilhelmine, properties by the mactead company, phonographs by hernstein and company, sanitary napkins by van feuler brothers.
i recall the captive who dared to p... before sesostris. i never saw a more poignant scene than this from the play of messrs, and mmes etc. i must speak of the scene which made such a great hit at the opening night and in which the financier prominoff bursts into a fit of rage against the coroner.
the play, which was very good, otherwise, did not accomplish all that was expected of it. the courtesan wife who feathers her nest out of the green old age of a vulgar brewer, remains, however, an unforgettable and touching figure which leaves in the shadow that of cleopatra and mme de pompadour. m. layol is an excellent comedian. he acted the father of a family in every sense of the expression. mlle jeannine letrou, a young star of tomorrow, has very pretty legs. but the real revelation was mme perdreau whose sensitive nature we know so well. she acted the scene of the reconciliation with the most perfect naturalism. in short a great evening and prospects for a hundred night run.[9]
the theatre
young man we are going to give some subjects for plays. if they were signed by famous names we would play them, but they are masterpieces by unknowns which were given to us and which we are generously turning over to you because of your nice face.
play with a thesis—the prince of san meco finds a louse on his wife's head and makes a scene. the princess has not slept with the viscount of dendelope for the past six months. the couple make a scene before the viscount, who, not having slept with anyone but the princess and mme lafoulue, wife of a secretary of state, causes the ministry to fall and overwhelms mme lafoulue with his scorn.
mme lafoulue makes a scene with her husband. everything becomes clear, however, when monsieur bibier, the deputy, arrives. he scratches his head. he is stripped. he accuses his electors of being lousy. finally everything is in order once more. title: parliamentarism.
comedy of manners—isabelle lefaucheux promises her husband that she will be faithful to him. then she remembers that she has promised the same thing to jules, the boy who works in their store. she suffers from not being able to grant her faith and her love.
however, lefaucheux fires jules. this event precipitates a dramatic triumph of love, and we soon find isabelle cashier in a department store where jules is salesman. title: isabelle lefaucheux.
historical play—the famous novelist stendhal is the ringleader of a bonapartist plot which ends in the heroic death of a young singer during a presentation of don juan at the scala theatre in milan. since stendhal had hidden his identity under a pseudonym, he withdraws from the affair admirably. grand marches, procession of historical personages.
opera—buridan's ass hesitates to satisfy his hunger and his thirst. the she-ass of balaam prophesies that the ass will die. the golden ass comes, eats and drinks. the wild-ass's-skin comes and displays his nudity to this asinine herd. passing by, sancho's ass thinks that he can prove his robustness by carrying off the child, but the traitor, melo, warns the genius of la fontaine. he proclaims his jealousy and beats the golden ass. metamorphoses. the prince and the infant make their entrance on horseback. the king abdicates in their favor.
patriotic play—the swedish government lays suit against the french government for manufacturing an imitation of "swedish matches." in the last act they exhume the remains of an alchemist of the xivth century who invented these matches, at la ferté-gaucher, a village in france, not far from paris.
comedy——
the handsome chauffeur
cried to his neighbor
if you will show me your salon
i wilt show you my kitchen.
here is enough to nourish a whole career of playwriting, sir.
m. lacouff, scholar
young man, it is also important to know theatrical anecdotes; they help to fill out the conversation of a young dramatic author; here are a few:
frederick the great was accustomed to having his court actresses whipped before each presentation. he believed that flagellation communicated a rosy tint to their skin which was not without its charm.
at the court of the grand turk, the bourgeois gentilhomme was being played, but in order to adapt it to the taste of the environment the mamamouchi became a knight of the garter.[10]
cecile vestris, while returning to mayence, one day, had her carriage held up by the famous rhenish bandit schinderhans. she rallied her spirits against this ill-fortune and danced for schinderhans in the hall of a roadside tavern.
ibsen was sleeping one time with a young spanish lady who cried out at the proper moment:
"now!... now!... mr. dramatist!"
an erudite actor admitted to me that he had liked only one statue in all his life: the squatting scribe, sculptured by an egyptian, long before jesus-christ, and which he saw in the louvre. but they are beginning to talk much less of scribe, and yet he still reigns over the theatre.
the theatre
do not forget the final scene, nor the words at the end, nor the fact that the more crust you have the more you shine, nor that a number that is cited must end in 7 or 3 in order to seem accurate; nor not to lend money to anybody who says: "i have five acts at the odéon," or "i have three acts at the comédie-fran?aise," nor to say carelessly: "if you want some free passes, i have so many of them, that i am obliged to give them to my concierge;" that doesn't lead to anything.
a young man at this point made good the occasion to come and sing with equivocal gestures and a lascivious air, some childish and entrancing songs.
m. pingu
what juice, sir!
m. lacouff
juice of the hat?
m. pingu
no-no! i am mistaken. what a fluid!
he trembles like the paunch of an archbishop.
m. lacouff
use the proper word, not your paunch.
m. pingu
what a joy, sir, what a joy! it would soften a crocodile to tears and would please a scholar as well as a financier.
croniamantal
good-bye, gentlemen, i am your devoted servant. with your permission i will return in a few days. i feel that my play is not in proper shape yet.
andré dérain
